Feels like I have no relationship with DH

[Goldstar88]

Nothing like Valentine’s Day to shine a light on the lack of relationship you have!

Married to DH for 5 years, 13 month old DC. I know that the first year or so with children is very hard on relationships, plus I’m still EBF which I know has probably affected my hormones for a lot longer than some. However, I just feel we have no relationship whatsoever anymore.

We’ve always had some issues, DH can be a very difficult person (undiagnosed but clearly high functioning ASD) but previously I did feel in love with him, wanted to build a life together and generally we were happy.

I’m starting to realise we are literally just housemates. I have zero interest whatsoever in anything intimate. We barely even hug, let alone anything else. We don’t talk, other than functional things to do with DC/house/finances etc. He spends every evening online gaming with friends, I’ll be in the other room watching my shows/reading. We sleep separately and have done since DC. I don’t even feel like this is an issue, I very much want my own time and space so I don’t mind. However, I’m starting to think this is just not how things should be?

It’s when I came to buy a Valentine’s card for DH this week that I realised I just didn’t relate to any of the cards - the romantic ones, the funny sexual ones, the ones about being a best friend etc. I really struggled to find a card that I actually felt comfortable getting for DH as I just don’t feel any of these things.

It’s not as easy as saying ‘well, leave then’. We have a nice, comfortable life together. Both high earners, nice lifestyle, wouldn’t be able to afford family home without the other. I also really don’t think it would be in DC best interests to spend 50% of their time with DH alone as DH does so little childcare, I am 100% the default parent and the idea of having to ‘share’ custody of DC makes me feel devastated. It’s so complicated and horrible to even think about the realities of splitting. However, he does not make me happy.

I’d like to know if this is what a lot of couples go through post DC, and has anyone come out the other side? How do you know if it is the end, or a (long) blip? I just feel like I am totally emotionless when it comes to DH now.

re your comment
"I’d say my FIL is the same (actually worse traits really)"

What traits?.

And this is why I mention family background too. What did your H learn about relationships when he was growing up?. Is your H really a carbon copy of his father?.

Do not assume ASD immediately re all aspects of his behaviour because you may equally be barking up the wrong tree.

You’re right. We have started so many series together but he tends to get bored after a couple of episodes, and then it’s a struggle to get him to sit down and watch more of it, so we never finish. I know this sounds very sad!

FIL doesn’t have the hoarding/collections or intense interests as such but is very very strange socially and regularly has massive strops, storming off in public of things don’t go his way. Quite an immature social/emotional intelligence when on the surface when you first meet him he seems warm and friendly. Once you’ve had several conversations you realise he tells the same anecdotes over and over and has zero interest in anything anyone else has to say.

My MIL does a lot of things on her own and with friends as FIL point blank refuses to do anything that doesn’t interest him e.g theatre or cinema.

DH has a very emotionally distant relationship with his parents. Nothing abusive or horrendous but he has zero interest in them, and finds them exceedingly annoying and difficult. They will go months and months with no contact. I’ve often said he is becoming like FIL and he absolutely hates that.

Goldstar
re your comment
"When we’ve discussed it before after a bad row he has absolutely said he wouldn’t allow me to have full custody."

Did you ask him why given that you are already doing the vast amount of childcare?.

This and another similar comment you wrote re him are red flags. And it is not up to him alone to decide re custody; that is down to the likes of Solicitors. I would urge you to get legal advice re this matter asap as knowledge here is power.

I'm going to be a little unpopular here - you're married. Marriage takes work and effort, people get divorced far far too easily these days. I'm not suggesting staying in an abusive relationship, but it sounds like there was once a decent foundation.
I think you need to sit down and talk to him. Calmly work out together if this marriage is worth working for and how you both think it needs saving. Make it absolutely clear that if nothing changes then it will be divorce and gets yourselves a plan to reconnect.
How's your sex life?

I am sure I asked him at the time and he said something like he’d make it work. I expect his mother (who he barely sees but loves DC) would come up a lot to help- is my prediction!

I would struggle to regain an emotional connection to a partner who threatened me with divorce. I would have my walls up. The D word should only be used when you really mean it - not out of anger or frustration.

I think you need to apologise for throwing divorce out there and explain where it came from, otherwise it is going to be a block to the relationship you want.

Goldstar

"FIL doesn’t have the hoarding/collections or intense interests as such but is very very strange socially and regularly has massive strops, storming off in public of things don’t go his way"

He sounds like an adult whose emotional development ceased at around the age of six. He could well have some undiagnosed and untreatable personality disorder. His wife has backed away from him but they stay together for their own reasons.

Hoarding is a recognised mental illness.

Your H seems to be very much a product of his own dysfunctional upbringing and he potentially will have an emotionally distant relationship with his child going forwards.

You have a choice re him, your child does not. You only need to give yourself permission to leave.

I totally understand how you're feeling - I also EBF, and we bed shared from birth with her dad in a different room. We started off slow, her dad had her two days a week just in the daytime at first. It was definitely hard for him going from living with her to only seeing her two days a week, but we did what we thought was best for her. That moved in to one overnight a week then two overnights a week, then when she was four we started doing 50/50. Now it's brilliant, all three of us are happy, and the important thing is that she has always been happy with the situation, thankfully!

Not sure what your plans are for weaning, but we went natural term and only stopped when she was almost 6 - my supply adjusted really well because we did it so gradually!

It definitely got worse between us after dc2 was born. I don't in the slightest regret having a 2nd though, I think the issues were there anyway and having another just brought them to light faster, maybe it will mean we'll get over it faster too 🤷🏼‍♀️

Sit down when you are not arguing and have a proper talk, talk a few times about issues over a couple of months and decide if you both want to put the work in. My friend has recently done this, it has not worked out but at least they did both try.

Plus the counselling refusal, insist and say it’s last chance otherwise your filing for a divorce and then do it. If you make a threat then always follow it through, you just have to be sure in your convictions. That’s for all aspects of life.

The other factor is I would like DC to have a sibling, as I do, but I genuinely don’t know if bringing a second child into the mix is a good idea

Sorry, but having a second child is a terrible idea. Why saddle another child with a father who has clearly demonstrated that he is not up for or to the job?

No, I totally agree, so I don’t plan to have a second with him, but it makes me sad for DC.

This is a good idea. The issue is I know DH will minimise it down to us not having sex. We have I think, twice, in the year since DC was born. I have no desire whatsoever to do it, and probably a combination of tiredness/being touched out and also feeling no connection with DH.

Thank you so much, this is really reassuring to hear. May I ask, what made you finally decide to split, knowing it would be so difficult?

Whist it's entirely normal for posts to be mainly centred around one side and one person, the almost total absence of your husband is really noticeable in yours. Your post is almost all about you and your feelings -

I have zero interest whatsoever in anything intimate
I don’t even feel like this is an issue
I very much want my own time and space so I don’t mind
I’m starting to think this is just not how things should be?
I just didn’t relate to any of the cards
I just feel like I am totally emotionless

and I wonder if he actually feels the same

Why are you wondering? Have you not actually asked him or are you awkwardly existing around each other? Instead of big arguments escalating to the point where you threaten divorce, have you actually sat down with him and told him you're unhappy and worked with him to change this?

You can't force yourself to feel things you don't, and I'm afraid you'll have to be prepared for the fact that overall he might be happier with the way things are. When one person has more of their emotional needs met, they usually will be less motivated to change things are it's work for them or it might mean they get less of what they want.

Have you considered that part of the reason why your marriage has fallen into this state is because your lives might be just too comfortable or too easy? Some people just aren't happy with lives that are too stable & content. They need a project to work on with each other, so at minimum you should try to find a shared project or interest with him that is not the children.

I think it was a combination of things - I knew I wanted love and passion in my future rather than the friendly housemate with sex situation we were in. I definitely wasn't ready for a new relationship at the time, but I thought the older our daughter got, the harder it would be for her. We were both just bumbling on in our relationship, neither of us particularly happy when though we weren't exactly UNhappy, if that makes sense.

I don’t actually think, to this extent, it’s normal.

Having young kids is hard on a relationship, yes, but it also exposes elements that you otherwise may have ignored or minimised. Sounds as if the latter may be the case. That may have been somewhat sustainable without children, but not every relationship is robust enough for children. Young children are particularly hard, yes, but many elements that are hard on a marriage remain for many years and into teenage hood. By then, it’s more than likely resentment has set in, that your outlook and mentality has drastically changed and the relationship is not salvageable.

I think counselling is the only sensible option here, with a very, very good counsellor.

No one is saying it’s easy to leave a marriage, but it is what it is – you can’t necessarily have the fancy house and the lifestyle if you choose to leave a marriage. But you also can’t necessarily live without resentment and unhappiness with the fancy house and lifestyle in the marriage either. It is what it is, and you ultimately have to make the best bad decision if no improvements are made.

I have a friend (not a close friend) who got ASD diagnosis in his 40s. His first marriage fell apart and he never saw his kids again. This wasn't what prompted him to get a diagnosis but something did (won't say what) and it completely changed his life. His is now happily married to someone. He helped me hugely understand ASD.

I get what sone people are saying about it possibly being something else and it might be but the description you give rings a lot of bells with me re my own experience in getting an ASD diagnosis for one of my DC. It's also worth noting that ASD and other conditions often coexist. My DC has two other conditions on top of ASD.

I think if you could calmly have the conversation about your need for counselling or him to seek a diagnosis you might open a door. But don't push it if it doesn't feel right.

If you do some research you might find the best way to engage with him on all of this.

Life changes dramatically after having children. Those who embrace these changes tend to adapt better, while those who struggle often place unrealistic expectations on each other, which can undermine the family unit.

I know this forum frequently and readily recommends divorce. Some people regret their decision to divorce, others find a way to cope, and some are happily remarried (Uncommon). Single parenting is challenging—it's important to choose. Life away from the marriage may not be what you expect.

OP people will read this thread and either they will 'get it' or they won't. Some well-meaning souls will lecture you as per the post above and in a more neurotypical relationship they might be right.

Your dynamic is really recognisable to anyone with an ASD husband, especially if he's 'high functioning'. I just steer people to the ASD relationship thread now so you can meet your ghosts of Christmas future. Or you can get out now while you're young and well enough to do so, unlike many of us on that thread.

You might want to Google 'Cassandra Syndrome ASD' or similar. You will likely find it very illuminating.

It wasn't a lecture. Just not jumping on the bandwagon of nonsense in every thread.

I resonate here. I have an undiagnosed but clearly high functioning ASD husband and pre teen kids. As the DC have aged, it has strained the relationship further as they have more autonomy and DH just cannot get his head around no longer having that control over their every move. The DC have more complicated needs, particularly emotional, and he cannot even begin to respond to that. He has no empathy or understanding of himself or others.
At the moment I am settling on the situation but at some point there will be a tipping point and we will split. I have come to see that he is not able to help in the house unless specifically asked, he will not take an interest in me or DC, and the emotional connection is zero. He has no interest in ASD - complete denial. I am basically a married single parent. Luckily (for now) he is the breadwinner so at least contributing financially.
I'm not sure what my advice would be but reading the married to ASD thread here has been validating.

Married single parent is a good way to put it. I’m sorry you’re experiencing similar.

This thread has really made me think a lot and I do think I need to take some professional advice about what the next steps may be.

Although I know some men are brilliant fathers and would make 50-50 work, I find it really annoying that that's the default now when often the reason the marriage isn't working is because the man is doing fuck all with the children.