Feels like I have no relationship with DH

[Goldstar88]

Nothing like Valentine’s Day to shine a light on the lack of relationship you have!

Married to DH for 5 years, 13 month old DC. I know that the first year or so with children is very hard on relationships, plus I’m still EBF which I know has probably affected my hormones for a lot longer than some. However, I just feel we have no relationship whatsoever anymore.

We’ve always had some issues, DH can be a very difficult person (undiagnosed but clearly high functioning ASD) but previously I did feel in love with him, wanted to build a life together and generally we were happy.

I’m starting to realise we are literally just housemates. I have zero interest whatsoever in anything intimate. We barely even hug, let alone anything else. We don’t talk, other than functional things to do with DC/house/finances etc. He spends every evening online gaming with friends, I’ll be in the other room watching my shows/reading. We sleep separately and have done since DC. I don’t even feel like this is an issue, I very much want my own time and space so I don’t mind. However, I’m starting to think this is just not how things should be?

It’s when I came to buy a Valentine’s card for DH this week that I realised I just didn’t relate to any of the cards - the romantic ones, the funny sexual ones, the ones about being a best friend etc. I really struggled to find a card that I actually felt comfortable getting for DH as I just don’t feel any of these things.

It’s not as easy as saying ‘well, leave then’. We have a nice, comfortable life together. Both high earners, nice lifestyle, wouldn’t be able to afford family home without the other. I also really don’t think it would be in DC best interests to spend 50% of their time with DH alone as DH does so little childcare, I am 100% the default parent and the idea of having to ‘share’ custody of DC makes me feel devastated. It’s so complicated and horrible to even think about the realities of splitting. However, he does not make me happy.

I’d like to know if this is what a lot of couples go through post DC, and has anyone come out the other side? How do you know if it is the end, or a (long) blip? I just feel like I am totally emotionless when it comes to DH now.

I don't get the sense that your problems are about BF or separate rooms. You don't describe what you think is ASD behaviour but I think this behaviour is what is behind your situation.

Perhaps you need to explore it a bit more with him to see how he feels and then how you feel in the context of his feelings.

I chose to stay and we have a good, equitable life. It’s flatmates, but committed and shared goals etc.

I felt like I’d been ticked off on the list of life accomplishments. Achieved.
Like, I dunno, all the effort that goes into decorating a house- planning, saving up, buying materials, clearing the room, then preparing the walls, then doing the decorating… but once it’s done you stop. It’s just there. Like me. 😅

So you have to decide what you want. Work at it knowing that it’s never going to be his strength because he probably doesn’t miss what you are missing, or accept it and live with it, or split and look for a better relationship.

I went with option 2 and it was much easier when I stopped fighting. Turns out he was overwhelmed by my demand, and escaping into other things to avoid failing at relating with me. He became more mellow as he wasn’t needing to mask as much.

Really? It’s hard because I see people say this but then others say single parenthood is horrendously difficult. It’s the shared custody aspect that scares me, not being on my own with DC (as I often am!)

I think this is exactly part of it - he sees family life as an accomplishment but doesn’t understand what he has to do to make it work. I don’t doubt he loves DC, he thinks the world of them, but I don’t think he realised what things would be like.

Would he really have them 50:50 though, when push came to shove? Sounds very unlikely if he's not doing anything much towards looking after them now. I think you'd find you still had them most of the time in practice, with all the pros and cons that entails

Some people find dc really challenging. Needing to organise around them etc. No opportunity to simply walk away when getting overwhelmed because, you know, tiny person depending on you.

DH was great at many aspects of parenting but wasn’t good at danger, and seemed afraid of over reacting to medical issues. As a result I didn’t leave them when they were under the weather, and I didn’t encourage him to take them out on his own. He’d have watched dc2 and mislaid DC1. There were a couple of absolute howlers before I worked out the safety boundaries.

Obviously that’s just my DH- yours could be super hot on safety, but forget to feed them. For example.

I'm currently on the verge of asking for separation in a marriage that I fully admit I've checked out of, but H is a drinker who doesn't contribute financially, so it's a bit different. I feel no motivation to improve our relationship, and it sounds like you don't either. I'm also autistic (diagnosed in my 40s), and I agree with a PP who said this is likely to be the real him, that trying to make things better will involve a lot of masking for him (pretending to be what he thinks you want). Which he may or may not be willing/able to do.

Is he open to having a full conversation about this? Via writing/text perhaps, if he finds that easier (I do)

He didn’t really get ‘being a grown up for the sake of the dc’, either. So he’d make a fuss about things he strongly disliked- pasta, custard, any texture in meat (fat, gristle, bone)- and put the kids off eating. He’d teach the kids certain foods were unsafe, basically.

How old were you when you did sleepovers without mum or dad?
This is probably the better way to think about how old your child will be ready to do overnights with dad and without you.
If you're not at the same age, you could try everything to make your relationship work but if he's sitting in a room on computer games rather than sitting in the room with you each evening, it's as much his responsibility to make this work as it is his.
Put it to him that he would have to get up with baby all night long, do breakfast, teeth, shower and spend all day playing with her on his own, packing day bag, dinner then doing bath, story time and bed before waking with her throughout the night every other weekend without you if you split.
If that doesn't appeal, he needs to commit to making your relationship work.

Parenthood in general can be difficult times and joyful at other times, however you do it. I left when my daughter was 2, because I knew we weren't compatible and it wasn't going to work long term, but even up to that point my relationship/life wasn't as utterly miserable as yours sounds! We still had laughs together and were close, just not made to be together close.

It took a few years for co-parenting to build up to where it is now (she's 7 and we do 50/50), but we definitely split up at the right time for my daughter. She's been happy and oblivious to any drama! Friends who split up when their kids were 4/5/6 had very different experiences because the kids knew what was happening and struggled with it.

I'd say if you think you can get back to a good relationship and WANT to, then definitely try to work on it. If you're just hanging on for the lifestyle or because you can't be bothered to make changes, I'd think very seriously about what you'll be modelling as a parent.

I’ve tried bringing up the suspected ASD before and he absolutely refuses to accept it - he’s in a high powered job etc so I expect he worries it would somehow reflect badly on him (although he is who he is and no one would need to know about a diagnosis)

Some examples are obsessive collecting of things (which results in lots of stuff cluttering the house, which I thankfully keep on top of but causes a lot of arguments), general lack of empathy/sympathy really towards me and anyone else, not because I think he’s a horrible person but because he’s so wrapped up in his own wants and needs (e.g will often sulk if we don’t do something he wants to do or will go out of his way to go to a specific shop to get a specific item even if it means it causes a lot of faff for everyone else), he’ll think nothing of lying in bed while I sort out DC because he’s woken up with a headache, even if he knows I’ve had a few nights of broken sleep.

I appreciate some of this is not ASD but could just be unpleasantness and I don’t want to be offensive to anyone with ASD but if you met him you’d see what I mean. His social skills are very lacking, he’s fine on the surface with people but asks very few questions, doesn’t take an interest in other people’s lives, talks at length about himself/interests and only really has superficial friendships.

Before anyone says ‘why did you marry him?’ I can only think he was masking and as we have progressed over the years he has gradually unmasked more and more.

Thank you - I think fundamentally we aren’t compatible and I am really hanging on for the lifestyle and the alleged ease of being two parents rather than single with shared custody.

May I ask what happened re custody when you split at age 2? I absolutely do not want DC growing up thinking our relationship is the blueprint, so I know something need to change, either between us or we split. However I just cannot see how toddler DC not living with me full time would be in their best interests.

Thank you - when I’ve asked before he absolutely does not want to split, so the idea of doing all of that probably fills him with dread anyway.

I absolutely don’t think he’d put them in danger and he’d be very hot on things like safety and health, however it’d be things like food, he has a terrible diet himself (unless I cook for him) so I can’t imagine him having the gumption to make DC a healthy meal. He can’t open the fridge and decide what to cook.

likewise he clearly has some level of executive dysfunction so the idea of him organising a bag for DC for say, nursery, or going out for the day, would be beyond him. I know people say, let them fail, but I would worry about DC’s comfort. Maybe I’m being unfair but he requires so much instruction whenever I leave DC with him (it’s never been longer than 12 hours) I can’t imagine how he’d do it on his own.

I think we have the same DH!!!

When we’ve discussed it before after a bad row he has absolutely said he wouldn’t allow me to have full custody. I can’t imagine how he’d manage 50/50 with his working hours, so perhaps that would be taken into consideration.

i suppose my ideal would be I have DC permanently with me but there are no overnight stays until DC is older and so perhaps just a weekend day each. Not ideal, obviously, as I don’t want to not DC for a day every weekend but the lesser of 2 evils perhaps. Is that a likely arrangement for a small child?

@Goldstar88 I get it. One of my DC has diagnosis for ASD. I also see traits in other family members and there is a strong genetic component. It's very very difficult to encourage someone to get a diagnosis as an adult if they are not inclined- you will see threads on this here on MN. I hear it amongst friends - people who who suspect they themselves have ASD traits or their child but they don't pursue a diagnosis because - they don't want a label OR what difference will it make.

It's very difficult for you. There are threads here and posts on this thread that might give you some ideas how to navigate this. But I think for now maybe give yourself a break and focus on yourself and DC. You have a lot on your plate. Maybe do some research on ASD and see how much of a fit it is.

Place marking so I can come back and read later. Feel 100% the same OP, my dc are now 6 and 3. The only desire I have to 'fix' things is for the kids. Just feel like we have no feeling for each other anymore. We haven't slept in the same bed regularly since dc1 was born and have only had sex 3 times since dc2 was born, the last time was over a year ago now 🙈

Thank you. I’d say my FIL is the same (actually worse traits really) so definitely a genetic link that side. I wouldn’t be surprised if my DC ends up the same, so of course am on the look out for anything to ensure we get support as early as possible if so.

I would bet a lot of money on the fact DH does have ASD (maybe ADHD as well given the executive dysfunction) so I know I need to accept that he likely will not change and it gradually getting worse. I need to decide if that is what I want, I suppose.

I do have a lot on my plate and my absolute focus is my DC. I both don’t want DC to grow up in an unhappy home for the sake of it, but equally don’t want DC to have separated parents if things could have worked.

I know if we didn’t have DC I would have ended the relationship by now, if I’d felt like this a few years ago.

Sorry to hear this, but also glad I’m not alone.

Was it bad before you decided to have DC2? The other factor is I would like DC to have a sibling, as I do, but I genuinely don’t know if bringing a second child into the mix is a good idea, which is sad.

Goldstar

Re your comment:

"It’s not as easy as saying ‘well, leave then’. We have a nice, comfortable life together. Both high earners, nice lifestyle, wouldn’t be able to afford family home without the other. I also really don’t think it would be in DC best interests to spend 50% of their time with DH alone as DH does so little childcare, I am 100% the default parent and the idea of having to ‘share’ custody of DC makes me feel devastated. It’s so complicated and horrible to even think about the realities of splitting. However, he does not make me happy".

It is not easy to leave but what you're describing here is a slow death for you by 1000 cuts. Staying is not easy either is it as you are finding out. Given too how uninvolved he is with childcare now what at all makes you think he would spend 50% of his time with his child?. He simply would not and he would likely work more hours or farm his child out to grandparents if he did not become some sort of Disney Dad.

50-50 is but a starting point too.

If a friend of yours was writing this what would your counsel be?.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what are they learning here?.

What is your child going to remember about their childhood the most if things do not change?. Children are not stupid and know far more than parents care to realise particularly if a marriage or cohabitation goes bad. There are more than enough adults out there thinking that their parents should have separated years earlier but did not due to the children and or a lifestyle they want to maintain.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Counselling for you solely may be something worth looking at. I say solely because I doubt very much your H would want to attend any sessions.

He is not for changing regardless of why he is the ways he is (and I would also look at his family background. What are his parents like and what is his relationship with his parents like too?). This is who he is.

Lots of people do better as they age, as they successfully arrange life to suit them, avoiding the things that challenge them.
Others get worse as they stop masking and then show behaviours that other people don’t like.

If I weren’t here, DH’s hoarding would get out of hand. Hygiene is already an issue but would be worse if I didn’t intervene at intervals.

I’ve actually primed our adult children in case I drop dead. Their skills are a bit better as I was aware of the issues and able to guide them more helpfully.

Hey OP, sorry you’re going through this. You won’t be at all alone in this experience. So many relationships become completely disconnected, especially after babies. One thing I’d say is that things probably won’t get better on their own if that makes sense. It’ll take effort to reconnect. Are there any very small changes you can make to help you reconnect? Going out for a meal sounds good but it may be worth looking at day to day life as a starting point. Can you suggest starting a series on television together?

Thank you, and a lot to think about. I think I would advise a friend to leave, to be honest, even if in a year’s time.

I have suggested counselling before and DH has been dead against, as you guessed.

He absolutely couldn’t cope with having DC 50% of the time, but not knowing how it works, I thought he’d basically just have to make do and as you say, pay for additional childcare etc which I don’t think is fair on DC. Out of principle I doubt he would ever let me ‘win’ and have main custody.