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Original poster

Found out my ex was cheating on wife with me

69 replies

sofiaparker · 12/02/2025 22:57

So recently, social media suggested someone I may know and through this I found an ex's other real social media account. And his wife's. Turns out they have been married for a while and have a young kid also. He lied to me about everything and cheated on his wife with me while she was away.

I'm way over him by now. But this sudden discovery has left me feeling disgusted. I'm seeing a great human being now. And a major part of me tells me to leave this situation alone completely. However, am I doing the right thing? Keeping his wife in the dark? His family seems to be prospering and I'm in a happy place too. Should I stick to plan and leave this alone. Any thoughts would help especially as I just cannot stop thinking about this. Feeling funny in my tummy. Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
Sashya · 13/02/2025 00:41

bananascentedhair · 13/02/2025 00:20

@jsku - I found out ex DH was cheating when my twins were 7 months old. I kicked him out immediately.

Was it the hardest most exhausting and physically crippling time of my life? Yes.

But do I wish I'd have never found out? Absolutely not.

Plenty of women would have kept the marriage going in my situation, and I honestly do not judge anyone who would, but I deserved the right to make the choice and ultimately knew I couldn't live a life with someone I didn't trust, and I didn't want my children growing up in that environment.

In fact, now I'm through the other side I can safely say I'm glad it happened then, rather than now when the kids are older and more aware.

As you say - plenty of people would have kept the marriage going. And most do. So they - would have proffered NOT to know. So that they could be spared the pain...

Strange as it may sound on MN - but a large majority of marriages with kids do not end upon discovery of and affair. So - it's a safe bet women who stayed would have preferred not to know...

OP has no idea what his wife would prefer. But she does know if she tells - she will be hurting the woman and that little baby...
And why??? Because OP believes she should make a choice for the other woman's life?

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 13/02/2025 00:49

VeryDeepEverything · 13/02/2025 00:20

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta I don't disagree with you, even though I think op shouldn't tell.

But the reason I think that is because you don't know what the recipient of the information will feel about it, maybe they would want to know maybe they wouldn't... You don't and can't know.

So I think you could debate it all day and still never be able to be sure you've made the right choice in the end whichever way you jump, because its the wife's life and we don't know if she would prefer ignorant bliss or the raw truth...

If she really wants ignorant bliss, she will just memory-hole it. Or put it on a mental shelf, along with all the other things that she doesn't know how to handle, like his implausible lies, the odd things that she's trying to overlook, and her constant vaginal infections. She'll take those things off the shelf when she's ready - or maybe she's never ready - or she lets them sit until he leaves her high and dry scrambling for her and her kids' survival. At least she'll be a BIT prepared, because someone once had the guts to tell her.

It's cowardly at best and patronizing at worst to not tell someone their partner is cheating because it will hurt her feelings.

Original poster
sofiaparker · 13/02/2025 00:55

jsku · 13/02/2025 00:16

OP - the fact that you call him an Ex - while ot was just a short fling over a year ago;, and that you are spending loads of time on her social media to piece things together - all seem strange to me. Why the obsession???
Have you really moved on?

They have a small child. Stay out of it.
No one with a 1yo baby wishes ‘they’d rather know’. The first year of baby life is wonderful and exhausting.

He may or may bot cheat again. She may or may not know - but she decided to have a baby with him.

If it’a meant to come out - it will one day.

But some crazy person contacting her to suggest he chested - will only hurt her. She won’t believe you anyway, but will be hurt all the same.

People who dont have kids don’t understand that it changes how you look at it all… (at least while kids are small)

I'm so glad a lot of the women even ones been through it all are supporting honesty. And I do appreciate the ones who would rather not know too. Jsku, this was an Instagram suggestion that popped up to me and it wasn't too hard to piece together the truth. Regardless the length of the relation it doesn't condone the lying and cheating to the wife and neither does it condone lying to me. It feels utterly wrong and disgusting. Ad it absolutely shocked me.

OP posts:
Devianinc · 13/02/2025 00:55

sofiaparker · 12/02/2025 22:57

So recently, social media suggested someone I may know and through this I found an ex's other real social media account. And his wife's. Turns out they have been married for a while and have a young kid also. He lied to me about everything and cheated on his wife with me while she was away.

I'm way over him by now. But this sudden discovery has left me feeling disgusted. I'm seeing a great human being now. And a major part of me tells me to leave this situation alone completely. However, am I doing the right thing? Keeping his wife in the dark? His family seems to be prospering and I'm in a happy place too. Should I stick to plan and leave this alone. Any thoughts would help especially as I just cannot stop thinking about this. Feeling funny in my tummy. Thank you in advance.

I know how you feel, now knowing that, what would you want if you were her. The problem here is that he will always cheat. They have a young child. What will you get out of it? Probably nothing so I would try to forget about it. Though I understand the fury and the embarrassment of being made to look like a fool. Been there but it won’t do anything. Leave it.

Original poster
sofiaparker · 13/02/2025 01:00

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 13/02/2025 00:49

If she really wants ignorant bliss, she will just memory-hole it. Or put it on a mental shelf, along with all the other things that she doesn't know how to handle, like his implausible lies, the odd things that she's trying to overlook, and her constant vaginal infections. She'll take those things off the shelf when she's ready - or maybe she's never ready - or she lets them sit until he leaves her high and dry scrambling for her and her kids' survival. At least she'll be a BIT prepared, because someone once had the guts to tell her.

It's cowardly at best and patronizing at worst to not tell someone their partner is cheating because it will hurt her feelings.

Show quote history

Thank you so much Louise for your encouraging words and to stay with what's right. I do understand the others' perspective about maintaining the decorum of their family. But he already ruined that when he decided to cheat. I'm not sure whether to let life eventually ruin her peace or I do it in one go. Feeling sad 😢 😢 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
sofiaparker · 13/02/2025 01:01

Devianinc · 13/02/2025 00:55

I know how you feel, now knowing that, what would you want if you were her. The problem here is that he will always cheat. They have a young child. What will you get out of it? Probably nothing so I would try to forget about it. Though I understand the fury and the embarrassment of being made to look like a fool. Been there but it won’t do anything. Leave it.

Show quote history

One of the kinder posts. Thank you for your empathy 💜

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 13/02/2025 01:04

You should tell her. It's up to her how she responds. But she needs to have the information.

mathanxiety · 13/02/2025 01:06

sofiaparker · 13/02/2025 01:00

Thank you so much Louise for your encouraging words and to stay with what's right. I do understand the others' perspective about maintaining the decorum of their family. But he already ruined that when he decided to cheat. I'm not sure whether to let life eventually ruin her peace or I do it in one go. Feeling sad 😢 😢 😢

Show quote history

Yes, it's not 'decorum' or any other word meaning collision or whatever.

The family and the relationship are a facade, a fake, an illusion.

Garlicworth · 13/02/2025 01:38

mathanxiety · 13/02/2025 01:06

Yes, it's not 'decorum' or any other word meaning collision or whatever.

The family and the relationship are a facade, a fake, an illusion.

Show quote history

He's even got a fake social profile. Perhaps more than one. I understand the compulsion to leave a woman in what we imagine to be blissful ignorance, but really? She hasn't got a clue who she's married to.

She's probably already filed a whole bunch of weird little things in the 'revisit later' corner of her mind. I've been there; it's destabilising. She might still decide to do nothing when she knows more, but she deserves to know what she's basing her decision on.

You wouldn't choose to leave the victim of any other kind of fraud in ignorance, would you?

Devianinc · 13/02/2025 02:00

Garlicworth · 13/02/2025 01:38

He's even got a fake social profile. Perhaps more than one. I understand the compulsion to leave a woman in what we imagine to be blissful ignorance, but really? She hasn't got a clue who she's married to.

She's probably already filed a whole bunch of weird little things in the 'revisit later' corner of her mind. I've been there; it's destabilising. She might still decide to do nothing when she knows more, but she deserves to know what she's basing her decision on.

You wouldn't choose to leave the victim of any other kind of fraud in ignorance, would you?

Edited
Show quote history

She knows.

Fraaances · 13/02/2025 02:07

I’m another who has been married forever. I would MUCH rather know about it. I know you feel terribly guilty, but he lied to you as well. You weren’t knowingly having an affair with a married guy, you thought you were in a relationship with a single one. This makes you as much of a victim as she is. Let her know and accept that what she does with this information is none of your business. You can let it go knowing that you were braver than he will ever be.

Devianinc · 13/02/2025 04:34

My final say will be to let his end flounder and he’ll look like and idiot. You’re coming off very smart. Don’t lose you integrity during your time together. Have a great life built on your own goals. Actually the only thing that’s you.

Elasticatedtrousers · 13/02/2025 06:32

I'm so sorry that you have found out how badly he'd lied and manipulated you and I'm glad you're over it now.

I am ALWAYS for giving a betrayed partner back their personal agency. If he was able to cheat like this and even lie to you it's almost a given that he is a serial cheat. She needs to know.

TipsyJoker · 13/02/2025 09:17

VeryDeepEverything · 13/02/2025 00:20

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta I don't disagree with you, even though I think op shouldn't tell.

But the reason I think that is because you don't know what the recipient of the information will feel about it, maybe they would want to know maybe they wouldn't... You don't and can't know.

So I think you could debate it all day and still never be able to be sure you've made the right choice in the end whichever way you jump, because its the wife's life and we don't know if she would prefer ignorant bliss or the raw truth...

You’re right, you don’t know how she will feel about it but she has the right to decide how she feels about it. That’s the point. She has the right to know who she is sharing her life with and giving children to. She has the right to protect her sexual health by having a monogamous husband as opposed to one who is sleeping around. She has the right to have the full facts so her husband can’t gaslight her if she already has suspicions about him that are driving her mad and damaging her mental health. She has the right to know who she is sleeping with. What she does with that information and how she feels about it is her choice. But she has the right to make that choice for herself since it’s her life. She may decide to stay with him and they may get counselling and it may make their relationship stronger. Or it might be her dealbreaker and she might be glad she knows so she can kick his cheating ass out. I would be incredibly hurt and angry to find out I’d been taken for a mug by my husband and betrayed whilst I was pregnant and had just given birth. But I would still want to know so he couldn’t make a mug of me any longer.

TipsyJoker · 13/02/2025 09:23

Devianinc · 13/02/2025 02:00

She knows.

Show quote history

Well, then if she knows, the OP telling her won’t make any difference then will it?

VeryDeepEverything · 13/02/2025 09:28

TipsyJoker · 13/02/2025 09:17

You’re right, you don’t know how she will feel about it but she has the right to decide how she feels about it. That’s the point. She has the right to know who she is sharing her life with and giving children to. She has the right to protect her sexual health by having a monogamous husband as opposed to one who is sleeping around. She has the right to have the full facts so her husband can’t gaslight her if she already has suspicions about him that are driving her mad and damaging her mental health. She has the right to know who she is sleeping with. What she does with that information and how she feels about it is her choice. But she has the right to make that choice for herself since it’s her life. She may decide to stay with him and they may get counselling and it may make their relationship stronger. Or it might be her dealbreaker and she might be glad she knows so she can kick his cheating ass out. I would be incredibly hurt and angry to find out I’d been taken for a mug by my husband and betrayed whilst I was pregnant and had just given birth. But I would still want to know so he couldn’t make a mug of me any longer.

Show quote history

You're right.

VeryDeepEverything · 13/02/2025 09:32

I think @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta and @TipsyJoker have persuaded me on balance offering her the information is the best of two shitty-whichever-way-you-go choices.

Sashya · 13/02/2025 10:58

Op - you will do what you want.
But it seems to me that you are not totally honest with yourself here. Or maybe unaware of what is really driving you.

It is all about you and revenge of sorts. You keep calling this "a relationship" and being all wounded about it. When it's very clear that it was NOT a relationship. He told you he was a cheater even back then. He probably very clearly did not treat it as anything but a short term encounter. And - you very clearly wanted more - given that you consider him your "Ex"... You say you moved on - but in reality, not really. I feel sorry for your current partner.

This is not about the wife and concern for how she feels. You care nothing about it. You just want to lush out.

You selectively listen to some of the women who are not in the W's shoes and say they'd like to know. None of them (bar one) have small children. And it's very clear you don't either.

So - hell with whatever pain you decide to unleash on the poor woman.
(Yes - sure, it is he who chose to cheat. But you have no idea what that woman knows and choses to live with. And people are not machines - we do chose to ignore things we don't want to see. And that is OUR choice. Being confronted with TRUTH by other people is more often than not not welcome. I have seen it many time with women around me.)

Unfortunately lushing out - this won't make you feel better. You still need to figure out why you are so hang up on this non-relationship that you are still obsessing it over a year after the events transpired.

Original poster
sofiaparker · 13/02/2025 12:07

Sashya · 13/02/2025 10:58

Op - you will do what you want.
But it seems to me that you are not totally honest with yourself here. Or maybe unaware of what is really driving you.

It is all about you and revenge of sorts. You keep calling this "a relationship" and being all wounded about it. When it's very clear that it was NOT a relationship. He told you he was a cheater even back then. He probably very clearly did not treat it as anything but a short term encounter. And - you very clearly wanted more - given that you consider him your "Ex"... You say you moved on - but in reality, not really. I feel sorry for your current partner.

This is not about the wife and concern for how she feels. You care nothing about it. You just want to lush out.

You selectively listen to some of the women who are not in the W's shoes and say they'd like to know. None of them (bar one) have small children. And it's very clear you don't either.

So - hell with whatever pain you decide to unleash on the poor woman.
(Yes - sure, it is he who chose to cheat. But you have no idea what that woman knows and choses to live with. And people are not machines - we do chose to ignore things we don't want to see. And that is OUR choice. Being confronted with TRUTH by other people is more often than not not welcome. I have seen it many time with women around me.)

Unfortunately lushing out - this won't make you feel better. You still need to figure out why you are so hang up on this non-relationship that you are still obsessing it over a year after the events transpired.

Hi Sashya, I understand your point. In all reality I don't really care about the man in question. Neither am i hung up on him but more on the fact that he lied was gut wrenching. I have nothing else to do in this situation but it has left me feeling shit that he made me an accomplice in his cheating game especially because i now more than ever before have an intense fear of being cheated on by anyone else myself. So many posters have mentioned this too and I am glad a woman with child too has said she would rather know as I would rather know too. It is so unfair to the mother and baby. And if she finds out she can do much more to protect herself and child from the emotional abuse. I understand this woman has left her family behind in another country just to be with this man and build a happy family. She needs to know the truth and realise where her sacrifices are going. After that it is up to her what she decides.

I am not saying i would understand her pain but I have been in denial about different pains in my life over the years and i dont think it helped me. I dont think it will help her either.

I do understand you may have had some close/first hand experience with someone around you being cheated on which may have had a profound effect on you. But to me knowing the truth and not sharing is fundamentally wrong. at first I was just going to leave it as there is nothing in it for me. but I am glad a lot of the women her have persuaded me not to. Women need to have each others' back.

OP posts:
Original poster
sofiaparker · 13/02/2025 12:10

sofiaparker · 13/02/2025 12:07

Hi Sashya, I understand your point. In all reality I don't really care about the man in question. Neither am i hung up on him but more on the fact that he lied was gut wrenching. I have nothing else to do in this situation but it has left me feeling shit that he made me an accomplice in his cheating game especially because i now more than ever before have an intense fear of being cheated on by anyone else myself. So many posters have mentioned this too and I am glad a woman with child too has said she would rather know as I would rather know too. It is so unfair to the mother and baby. And if she finds out she can do much more to protect herself and child from the emotional abuse. I understand this woman has left her family behind in another country just to be with this man and build a happy family. She needs to know the truth and realise where her sacrifices are going. After that it is up to her what she decides.

I am not saying i would understand her pain but I have been in denial about different pains in my life over the years and i dont think it helped me. I dont think it will help her either.

I do understand you may have had some close/first hand experience with someone around you being cheated on which may have had a profound effect on you. But to me knowing the truth and not sharing is fundamentally wrong. at first I was just going to leave it as there is nothing in it for me. but I am glad a lot of the women her have persuaded me not to. Women need to have each others' back.

Show quote history

As another poster mentioned - would we condone any other kind of fraud? what if someone was being robbed of their life savings? what would you do Sashya? my conscience wouldn't let me sleep.

OP posts:
LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 13/02/2025 12:28

@sofiaparker "a woman with child too has said she would rather know as I would rather know too. It is so unfair to the mother and baby."

It's not just unfair, it's actually physically dangerous to the baby. Cheaters often - so often - don't use condoms and can transmit STDs to not just the mother but also the baby. Syphilis can cross the placenta and infect the baby in the womb. Genital herpes, HIV, HPV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and hepatitis B virus can be transmitted from the mother to the baby during vaginal birth.

So the poor kid can be born with herpes encephalitis, viral conjunctivitis, permanent liver problems from hep B, and bone deformation due to being infected with syphilis. They can develop HPV warts on their voice box and chlamydia pneumonia. All of these diseases can cause the baby to die.

Group B strep can also be sexually transmitted and cause sepsis and death in the baby after birth.

All this wreckage and ruin because dad was cheating, and people in the know didn't warn the mother.

Nicecuppatea2025 · 13/02/2025 12:30

Totally disagree with you here OP. I would forget about it and move on with my life.

I’m sorry but I think you have a revenge agenda dressed up as moral concern.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 13/02/2025 12:39

Nicecuppatea2025 · 13/02/2025 12:30

Totally disagree with you here OP. I would forget about it and move on with my life.

I’m sorry but I think you have a revenge agenda dressed up as moral concern.

What nonsense. OP is clearly motivated out of concern for the wife.

And even if she did want some sort of revenge - which she clearly doesn't - it's still the right thing to do. Not telling the wife is complicity and collusion with the cheater, who is happily lying his head off to his wife and deliberately witholding information she needs to live a safe and decent life.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 13/02/2025 12:45

I'm in the 'tell her' camp. It's not up to you to 'manage her feelings' or to decide for her that she'd rather not know. You give her the information and if she chooses to ignore it or pretend it's fake - that's up to her.

But I would say, offer her some proof. Because otherwise she's going to kid herself that you're just some madwoman who has a crush on her husband (which is what he will tell her anyway), so you need something definitive to show her that you're telling the truth. It's up to her what she does from then on.

jsku · 13/02/2025 13:58

OP - you are NOT the judge here. Or a Robyn Hood fighting for justice. There is no fraud, and no crime you are called to prevent …

Your ‘intense feeling of being cheated on’ - all because a year ago a guy slept with you and didn’t tell you he was married - is really OTT.

Your dramatic response to this non-event is really something that is the most concerning here. You created a ‘relationship’ in your head that did not exist, and now using this revenge as a way to fix yourself.
It really won’t.

This woman is away from home. In all likelihood she is fully dependent on her H here in the UK. There may be cultural differences you have no idea about.
And as I said - you have no idea what it is like to have a baby and be vulnerable.

Using an example of one woman on here who chose to divorce with small babies -but ignoring that she clearly said that MOST other women would chose not to know….- is really telling……

Look - in all likelihood - the woman in question will just block you as some random crazy on the net. I hope she does - as you are only trying to solve your own issues by hurting others….