Found out my ex was cheating on wife with me

sofiaparker · 2025-02-12T22:57:59+00:00

So recently, social media suggested someone I may know and through this I found an ex's other real social media account. And his wife's. Turns out they have been married for a while and have a young kid also. He lied to me about everything and cheated on his wife with me while she was away. I'm way over him by now. But this sudden discovery has left me feeling disgusted. I'm seeing a great human being now. And a major part of me tells me to leave this situation alone completely. However, am I doing the right thing? Keeping his wife in the dark? His family seems to be prospering and I'm in a happy place too. Should I stick to plan and leave this alone. Any thoughts would help especially as I just cannot stop thinking about this. Feeling funny in my tummy. Thank you in advance.

paradisecityx · 12/02/2025 22:58

If I was the woman in question, I'd absolutely want to know.

Creameded · 12/02/2025 23:00

I'd want to know.

Original poster

sofiaparker · 12/02/2025 23:01

paradisecityx · 12/02/2025 22:58

If I was the woman in question, I'd absolutely want to know.

Thanks for your response. I'm worried she won't believe me or won't care, or he may go out of his way to harm me. I feel torn. But you are 💯 correct I feel. My conscience tells me to not leave poor woman in the dark.

OP posts:

TipsyJoker · 12/02/2025 23:01

I would absolutely want to know and if the ow knew and didn’t tell me, I’d think less of her. However, if she realised he was married and told me, id respect her for that. Women need to have each others backs imo.

TipsyJoker · 12/02/2025 23:02

sofiaparker · 12/02/2025 23:01

Thanks for your response. I'm worried she won't believe me or won't care, or he may go out of his way to harm me. I feel torn. But you are 💯 correct I feel. My conscience tells me to not leave poor woman in the dark.

Show quote history

How she takes the news is not your concern or problem to deal with. It’s her cheating husbands. But at least you will know you did the right thing.

Original poster

sofiaparker · 12/02/2025 23:03

TipsyJoker · 12/02/2025 23:01

I would absolutely want to know and if the ow knew and didn’t tell me, I’d think less of her. However, if she realised he was married and told me, id respect her for that. Women need to have each others backs imo.

Thank you for highlighting this and giving me the motivation to alert her. I just keep thinking of her cute kid who harmed no one. Sorry for their family.

OP posts:

Sofiathemug · 12/02/2025 23:08

You are both victims of this man’s ego. If I was the wife I would want to know. I think you should reach out.

Nicecuppatea2025 · 12/02/2025 23:10

Actually I’m not sure. I might leave well alone in this instance.

TwentyKittens · 12/02/2025 23:10

I would absolutely want to know then I could decide what to do, instead of living a lie but having no idea.

GoldenNuggets08 · 12/02/2025 23:11

How long ago were you with him

Original poster

sofiaparker · 12/02/2025 23:13

GoldenNuggets08 · 12/02/2025 23:11

How long ago were you with him

Year ago for just a few months

OP posts:

Sashya · 12/02/2025 23:22

@sofiaparker
Many people who have been informed this way actually prefer they didn't know. People on here speak from a hypothetical.
In reality - just search the many affairs threads that say "I always thought it'd be
a dealbreaker, but now it happened to me, I don't want to break up my family"
Once you have children, it's all not so easy or black and white.
Just the other week there was a thread where a H fessed up to cheating a few years ago. The poster very clearly said - I wish I DIDNT know... They have a good relationship and kids - but she can't unknow... and it only causes pain, while adding nothing....

It'd be different if you were friends with her. But as it is - it's been a while, I presume. And it doesn't seem like it was actually much of a relationship - or was the wife away for a long time?
In addition - you have no idea of what his set-up/arrangement was with her while she was away..... How do you know they weren't separated then and got back together? Maybe he didn't tell you his real situation - because he didn't want to make it sound complicated...

And clearly your short fling didn't work out - who knows - maybe they decided to try again?...

I don't really know what his situation was back then. But the point is YOU don't know either... You are upset he wasn't fully open with you and ended the relationship - and that is why you seem to be stuck on this. Let it go - and focus on your life...

You are not the morality police - and it's not up to you to go around throwing grenades into other people's relationships, especially when they have small children.
It's easy to say - I wish I'd known. It is often not that simple, especially when there are kids....

Original poster

sofiaparker · 12/02/2025 23:30

Sashya · 12/02/2025 23:22

@sofiaparker
Many people who have been informed this way actually prefer they didn't know. People on here speak from a hypothetical.
In reality - just search the many affairs threads that say "I always thought it'd be
a dealbreaker, but now it happened to me, I don't want to break up my family"
Once you have children, it's all not so easy or black and white.
Just the other week there was a thread where a H fessed up to cheating a few years ago. The poster very clearly said - I wish I DIDNT know... They have a good relationship and kids - but she can't unknow... and it only causes pain, while adding nothing....

It'd be different if you were friends with her. But as it is - it's been a while, I presume. And it doesn't seem like it was actually much of a relationship - or was the wife away for a long time?
In addition - you have no idea of what his set-up/arrangement was with her while she was away..... How do you know they weren't separated then and got back together? Maybe he didn't tell you his real situation - because he didn't want to make it sound complicated...

And clearly your short fling didn't work out - who knows - maybe they decided to try again?...

I don't really know what his situation was back then. But the point is YOU don't know either... You are upset he wasn't fully open with you and ended the relationship - and that is why you seem to be stuck on this. Let it go - and focus on your life...

You are not the morality police - and it's not up to you to go around throwing grenades into other people's relationships, especially when they have small children.
It's easy to say - I wish I'd known. It is often not that simple, especially when there are kids....

Hey Sasha, completely agree with you about not being the morality police. That's why I didn't want to interfere initially. And it's clear from timings of posts that they were indeed not on a break. She was away to give birth and be closer to family as a new mum. My relationship with ex was short lived and I am glad so now. I think I just fulfilled his needs while she was away. I wouldn't want to ruin anything for anyone. But that man indeed is a menace. And he fessed up to other recent affairs before me while we were seeing each other. So I'm torn what the right thing is really. Glad to have heard both sides.

OP posts:

bananascentedhair · 12/02/2025 23:31

I was in a similar situation - not the same as you- but similar, very recently.

Basically my ex boyfriend was cheating on me with someone who was engaged to another man. He'd been sleeping with her for years (predated his time with me)

I told her fiancé.

I don't know what the outcome of this will be, and to be honest it's not for me to know.

I've been in a situation where a long term partner cheated on me, and I didn't know until years down the line, and I wish people would have told me. Irrespective of anything else, I wish I'd have had the choice to know what was happening behind my back and make a decision whether to stay in that relationship rather than to be deceived and lied to. It's not the physical act of cheating that does the damage, it's all the other stuff that goes around it that causes the long term psychological damage.

Chances are, you won't have been the first person he did that with. X

Original poster

sofiaparker · 12/02/2025 23:34

bananascentedhair · 12/02/2025 23:31

I was in a similar situation - not the same as you- but similar, very recently.

Basically my ex boyfriend was cheating on me with someone who was engaged to another man. He'd been sleeping with her for years (predated his time with me)

I told her fiancé.

I don't know what the outcome of this will be, and to be honest it's not for me to know.

I've been in a situation where a long term partner cheated on me, and I didn't know until years down the line, and I wish people would have told me. Irrespective of anything else, I wish I'd have had the choice to know what was happening behind my back and make a decision whether to stay in that relationship rather than to be deceived and lied to. It's not the physical act of cheating that does the damage, it's all the other stuff that goes around it that causes the long term psychological damage.

Chances are, you won't have been the first person he did that with. X

Thanks so much for sharing and I hope everything works out for the best for you.

It's exactly my thoughts I wouldn't have been the first probably. And when I put myself in her shoes I'd want to know the truth.

OP posts:

Nicecuppatea2025 · 12/02/2025 23:37

But OP you are not in her shoes.

Did you find this information out very recently?

VeryDeepEverything · 12/02/2025 23:39

You'll throw her into turmoil and distress.

He has plausible deniability and will say you're some crazy (or whatever)

She'll never know the truth and will never enjoy peace of mind again.

Ghastly though his behaviour was and horrid to discover you were an unwitting part of it... It could just be a hand grenade that doesn't nothing but massive harm.

It she could be grateful for the truth, leave him and prosper and become stronger without him etc etc...

But you don't know which it will be. You'll just derail her life and the fall out could go anywhere - impossible to predict and you could even have blood on your hands if she becomes suicidal... You've no idea and you should not be the agent of traumatic change in her life.

notthatoldchestnut · 12/02/2025 23:39

Leave it alone OP. You've moved on with your life. Don't drag yourself back into the past. Telling her will be for you. Not for her. You don't know her and you don't know what she would want to know.

If he's a prolific cheater then it will come out somewhere else anyway.

Move on. Be happy. Forget him.

Justhere65 · 12/02/2025 23:40

I wouldn’t tell her. You don’t know their situation and they may be happy now. Why ruin everything for her? It’s not your place and I think you may be seen as being vindictive.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 13/02/2025 00:06

Nicecuppatea2025 · 12/02/2025 23:37

But OP you are not in her shoes.

Did you find this information out very recently?

It always amazes me to hear people counselling others not to tell the betrayed spouse about their unfaithful partner.

Why would anyone do this? Because they wouldn't want to hear it themself? Because the ostrich head-in-the-sand approach works for them (for now)? So they're cowardly and want others to be as cowardly as them?

Or are they so occupied with pretences they have no clue who they are and think pretending everything is fine will sort things out? Ostrich again.

Or are the people counseling this cheaters themselves?

Not telling the poor sap is also actively countenancing abuse - which is what infidelity is. It is emotional, mental (all the effing lies), sexual (who would consent to sex if they knew partner was cheating?), physical (STDs), and often financial abuse.

it's not honorable to not tell someone when they're being cheated. I can understand in cases of safety or emotional distress that someone doesn't, but otherwise no.

bananascentedhair · 13/02/2025 00:15

Couldn't agree more @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta

And as you've mentioned emotional distress, as I alluded to in my response to OP- my emotional distress still weighs on me heavily from knowing the years of deception that went on behind my back by ex-husband. Knowing that he put my physical health at risk (STDs) and that for years I trusted him blindly whilst giving him children. I don't think I'll ever get over that. And I carry a lot of sadness knowing that there were people in our lives who knew, and could have told me.

To this day, I'll never know the full truth of how many women there were and it doesn't matter, but if any woman had have come out of the woodwork and told me, I'd have been shocked and eventually grateful.

Moonlightstars · 13/02/2025 00:16

VeryDeepEverything · 12/02/2025 23:39

You'll throw her into turmoil and distress.

He has plausible deniability and will say you're some crazy (or whatever)

She'll never know the truth and will never enjoy peace of mind again.

Ghastly though his behaviour was and horrid to discover you were an unwitting part of it... It could just be a hand grenade that doesn't nothing but massive harm.

It she could be grateful for the truth, leave him and prosper and become stronger without him etc etc...

But you don't know which it will be. You'll just derail her life and the fall out could go anywhere - impossible to predict and you could even have blood on your hands if she becomes suicidal... You've no idea and you should not be the agent of traumatic change in her life.

He would have blood on his hands. It is entirely his fault. He will definitely do it again and at some point she will find out. She probably already guesses but it's just bearing her head in the sand.

jsku · 13/02/2025 00:16

OP - the fact that you call him an Ex - while ot was just a short fling over a year ago;, and that you are spending loads of time on her social media to piece things together - all seem strange to me. Why the obsession???
Have you really moved on?

They have a small child. Stay out of it.
No one with a 1yo baby wishes ‘they’d rather know’. The first year of baby life is wonderful and exhausting.

He may or may bot cheat again. She may or may not know - but she decided to have a baby with him.

If it’a meant to come out - it will one day.

But some crazy person contacting her to suggest he chested - will only hurt her. She won’t believe you anyway, but will be hurt all the same.

People who dont have kids don’t understand that it changes how you look at it all… (at least while kids are small)

bananascentedhair · 13/02/2025 00:20

@jsku - I found out ex DH was cheating when my twins were 7 months old. I kicked him out immediately.

Was it the hardest most exhausting and physically crippling time of my life? Yes.

But do I wish I'd have never found out? Absolutely not.

Plenty of women would have kept the marriage going in my situation, and I honestly do not judge anyone who would, but I deserved the right to make the choice and ultimately knew I couldn't live a life with someone I didn't trust, and I didn't want my children growing up in that environment.

In fact, now I'm through the other side I can safely say I'm glad it happened then, rather than now when the kids are older and more aware.

VeryDeepEverything · 13/02/2025 00:20

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta I don't disagree with you, even though I think op shouldn't tell.

But the reason I think that is because you don't know what the recipient of the information will feel about it, maybe they would want to know maybe they wouldn't... You don't and can't know.

So I think you could debate it all day and still never be able to be sure you've made the right choice in the end whichever way you jump, because its the wife's life and we don't know if she would prefer ignorant bliss or the raw truth...