February 2025 Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

A new thread indeed!.

wondering good luck and baby dust for your IVF, wishing you strength.

That resonates Motherissues

I tried separating the past person from the current person. Not forgive and forget, more like I thought let's leave the past in the past, press the reset button and go forward from scratch with a more surface relationship and keeping things amicable. Because I thought they're "mostly kind" now and can't affect my life in the same way as during childhood. I made it clear by my actions that any abusive behaviour was now zero tolerance. You'd think they'd take what's on offer, if they want a relationship with me? No. They alternately got angry that I wouldn't tolerate the abuse, or played victim about why I'm behaving the way I am, as if it was undeserved, as if I'm doing them a major disservice by not sticking around to tolerate the abuse. It's made me see them in a whole new light. The kindness was just an act to get what they want, when they can't have what they want their true character comes out and it's not nice.

Could you set a ringtone for her? That’s what I do. I know she’s calling and can ignore it if I want to.

Thank you for this post, seriously. I could read myself in it, and I can't even find the words 🙏

Maybe this won’t resonate but for me the need to explain is a trauma response so I don’t “get into trouble”. You need to find peace without her, you are making your peace/getting rid of the bitterness dependent partly on her and that way madness lies. She’s got the power, take it from her!

its the snake analogy, if a snake bites you you don’t ask it why, you get away from the snake. Your parent may as well be that snake, they won’t react reasonably to the conversation.

obviously very easy to say very hard to do.

Oh good grief your first paragraph resonated. Exactly the same here. A phone call or message from my mother is one of two things; an update on an appointment she’s had or “I need you to”. I’ve written this perhaps on this thread already or another one but I’ve been back from holiday three weeks now. I’ve seen her in person twice, spoken on the phone twice and messaged her. She has yet to ask me if I had a nice holiday, I don’t mean a conversation where I drone on about what we did I mean she has not mentioned the fact that I’ve been away.

This could be me also. I have tried and tried with my mother but nothing ever changes. Last time I saw her I let rip. I let it all pour out but wasn’t rude and tried not to be hurtful. She just sat there staring at me and said ‘just listen to yourself’ in a tone of total disgust. She then asked me to leave. She hasn’t apologised for what she did ( attacking my husband quite needlessly and accusing him of various things). She now just expects me to carry on going to see her and doing things for her as though nothing has happened. It’s an old story.

She had a fall last week and is sending me pitiful messages expecting me to call or go and see her. I just can’t bring myself to do so. She is 88 and I feel is goi g to die within the next two years. I don’t want her to die with us estranged but I have a visceral feeling of absolute revulsion when I’m near her now. I just can’t bring myself to bear her. For some reason the attack on my husband was the final straw as he’s never done anything against her. I’m used to her bashing me but attacks on my loved ones hurts more.

I just don’t know what to do. I know she will never change. My siblings don’t have an issue with her but she treats them differently. It feels very lonely.

I'm very sorry 💐 I also have this visceral sensation, in my body, of not wanting to be near her. It's so sad... I've spend all my life trying to deny it or override it. I now have daughters and sometimes I become paralized with fear that they feel the same way about me and I'm unable to notice...

Yes to the physical reaction!!! Have you always had it? I have.

This is possibly separate but she had an interest in other people's bodies to an insane amount. Everything was scrutinised and commented on, also in public and about other people.

I remember an excruciating bra shopping experience where she was throwing bra after bra over the curtain rail and the shop assistant said 'could you not throw all the stock on the floor' I said 'it's not me, it's my mum!' withering look, didn't believe me.

She whipped the curtain back as I was mid change and I knew she wanted to keep doing that, it was insane.

She was always like that, really out of control. It's like she was stuck as a 2 year old who points at willies and bums and shouts about it with glee.

My mother is obsessed with sex. She has a very peculiar thing about gay men and their sexual activities. I even found some sort of essay she’d
written about it for something or other. She hates the idea of sex happening in her house , and it’s totally verboten for people who aren’t married. She brings sex into everything. I find it deeply disturbing.

@Meltedcandlewax I have the same physical reaction. I can't bear hugging my mother. I haven't told her I love her in years, I gag on the words. I know they can be said and not meant, I did that plenty of times as a child, but I find now that I can't even manage the lie.
FWIW I know from snippets that I've heard that my mother has a very different relationship with the siblings (1 bio, 1 step). She has very frequent contact with them, socialises with them, and throws money at them. Any suggestion I make that might involve spending a few quid is met with 'that's too expensive.' And I'm not talking about big things, I'm talking about going for flipping coffee and cake.

I think it's our bodies telling us that this person is not good for us. I never tell my mother I love her. I can't bear hugging her. it's really very sad.

@Dogaredabomb I've got weird similar stories. My mother to some extent, my father a lot. He constantly made sniping comments about other people's bodies. And there were definitely weird attitudes around sex in our house. Lots of shame and disgust mixed in with things that were totally inappropriate. IDK. I don't know if I'll ever be able to unpick that bit.

Yes, both my parents would make comments about other peoples bodies too. My mother is obsessed with weight and my father would make inappropriate comments to me as a teenager. Derogatory comments.

@Meltedcandlewax OMG the comments about my weight were almost constant. 'You're just big' 'you're so clumsy' 'you're like a baby elephant' 'you seriously need to lose some weight' 'you'll always be big, there's nothing you can do about it.' My mother said to me, at the age of 15 (5'8 and 8 stone with a 26' waist) that I was a size 14 so that's what I wore. Obviously none of my clothes fit me and I looked absolutely dreadful. In hindsight I can see it was deliberate, and if I let myself think about it, I know it's the behaviour of someone who doesn't like their teen daughter very much.

Yes, just an absolute obsession with sex and the mechanics of how would xyz do xyz. You could fall into the trap of patiently explaining and she'd ask again very quickly. I felt that it was somehow her porn in a very odd way. She constantly complained about her sex life with my father to us. I snapped at her as an adult to speak to her peers, GP, a priest or counsellor about sex rather than cross generational boundaries. She said 'but who would i talk to about it?' I said 'ANYONE EXCEPT FOR YOUR CHILDREN!!!' 🤣

I actually feel like I was sexually abused by her obsessive pruriant interest.

I've mentioned before that I was truly insanely promiscuous from 13-15 and it took me till my late 30s not to feel like dying from the shame of that. I was utterly at sea about men, sex, love, relationships. I felt that I was less than zero so if it gave someone happiness to use me I might as well be of some use. A friend of mine when I was 15 (who was also 15) said to me 'just stop it! It's ridiculous! I know you don't even like so and so!' so I did. Isn't that weird?

I had another really bad night still ruminating about the phone call from my mother and some of the things that were said in the conversation, and got up this morning and realised that another brick got knocked out of the wall of what remains of our relationship, that I'd still on some level had a bit of hope. It's smaller now. A bit more of it died over the weekend. What I know now, without a shadow of a doubt, is that when my mental health was absolutely in the toilet as a teen girl, she didn't notice. Even now, she still hadn't looked back, thought about it, and realised. My own kids can barely fart without me noticing. I also realised that she doesn't like other women very much, and will always prioritise men. I think that's partly why she treats the siblings very differently to me. The only time she hasn't done that is with my son, but he's of no use to her.

@Dogaredabomb it's not shameful. It's not. You were a child figuring out how to cope. The things we look back at, that we feel embarrassed by, are things we did because the adults in our life let us down.

(FWIW, I was completely at sea with all that too, but went the other way, and didn't have a boyfriend until I was in my 20's because I thought I was disgusting and no-one would want me).

I'm sorry cheekysnake it's not fair that she gets to use you as an emotional bucket when it suits her. She should just phone the speaking clock.

Her behaviour was weird and inappropriate and your feelings are totally valid here.

@CheekySnake it sounds to me as though you are in the process of completely detaching from your mother. Emotionally I mean. I believe it's initially painful and heavy but better for the long-term. It's difficult but also very brave.

Yes, @Dogaredabomb, my mother was extremely cruel with people's bodies. In hindsight, I know I grew up absolutely terrified of how others would see me. Still today, when I'm with other people (even my loved ones), I imagine their gaze upon my body and myself and hear in my head what I think they are thinking. Obviously it's not them, thinking it, it's my mother. She tainted my perception of beauty, but I'm happy to say she didn't destroy it: I'm the opposite of shallow/fashionable (even to a fault maybe 😅).
But, damn, I can't get her voice out of my head...

The death of all hope is very painful ♥️

@Dogaredabomb the sexual stuff your mother used you for is also a form of enmeshment. But I would agree it's a form of sexual abuse. Surely it always made you uncomfortable but your mother didn't pick up on it and stopped but continued. It's vile.