February 2025 Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

A new thread indeed!.

I agree that they, in most cases, were also abused or traumatised by life events.

But that makes it worse!!! It's not an excuse, I don't excuse them. Not that there'd be any apology, not that I'd want it.

I don't abuse my children, I would be unable to. I wish I could believe that there's a hell that they're going to.

But the fuckers would probably bribe St Peter.

Happyfarm let your dh do his family his way, drop all ropes concerning him and his family and metaphorically shrug.

Twatalert I was thinking about next time they give you money put it in a secret, separate account for your niece for when she needs an escape fund. It will help her be free more quickly and ironic that they'll have paid for something they didn't want. One in the eye.

@Dogaredabomb that's actually a good idea. I spent the last few days thinking they will brain wash her soon enough and there will be a point I will lose contact with her.

I'm actually thinking of doing a will. Compared with my family I am loaded and i want it to go to my niece and some friends and a cat charity. Depending on who will still be alive when I go there could be a fallout if she gets into a lot of money through me. So even this shit needs to be thought through carefully. Ideally my parents will be gone and I don't think my brother and SiL will give my niece trouble for coming into money. I just don't want to do the 'right thing' and split it between all of them because why. They all buy my mother's scapegoat narrative and enjoy the ride.

Unfortunately I am convinced right now that I will lose my niece. I will still leave her most of my stuff and be there should she need me one day. Maybe I'm doing her a disservice in doubting she will not begin to think like them. She's only a child and who knows what kind of views she will develop (social media is on my side). I'm just convinced I will end up as the weird estranged aunt that lay dead in her home for two years before anyone found her.

@Dogaredabomb I thought I'm going to donate the gifted money to a cat charity. It would piss off my parents greatly I think. My mother could never hide the dislike for my childhood cat (because everyone gave the cat attention). I still have cats today.

I'm trying to figure out the money thing. Why all of a sudden. It was a few hundred which is a lot for them. i don't understand what they are doing. the last Christmas I spent with them two years ago my mother replaced the one chocolate I want with a cheap version to save 50p and I hated the chocolate. Then they sent me a Christmas parcel last Christmas with the cheap stuff but now and in-between gifted me a few hundred. I don't get it.

Twatalert I was going to mention a will too but didn't want to be bossy 🤣

Don't think about the chocolate, they're just lunatics, it doesn't matter.

I don't know much about finances but I'm sure there are ways you can ring fence it for your niece only. Remember I said that I still remember that woman being kind to me?

Your niece will remember but she may be powerless to connect with you until she's out of the family home. If I were you I'd just be a light touch for her rather than anything too heavy.

Now you can receive the money and think 'good, more for the escape fund'.

@Dogaredabomb yes I remember the kind woman. I truly hope my niece knows I'm on her side and her side only.

When they visited I saw signs of her being scapegoated it was awful. We wanted to go to a coffee chain after a meal and saw a sign outside a building for the chain. So we walked up sometime later and it wasn't a branch, it was just one of those coffee machines inside a shop. My SiL blamed my niece for the mishap. It was bizarre and sad. As a good scapegoat and truth teller I spoke up and said 'i don't want to hear anything. It's nobody's fault'.

Lots of other examples where she is the butt of stupid jokes nobody finds funny. Lots of shouting and shaming. My heart still sinks when I think about it. She will have her pick of mental health issues at one point. I'm gonna be there if she wants me to.

I envy you for your story of the kind woman. Just because I can't recall one myself just like that. Sorry it's silly. You deserve to have that memory.

@Dogaredabomb yeah he does his thing with his family and I make excuses now. For example he went to his brothers yesterday for his birthday. My partner will always go on his birthday. I got my birthday present months late and my partner similar. In the years we’ve been together they have not come on our birthdays. I met a friend for coffee as I’m not visiting him on his birthday out of principle. Why my partner makes the effort every time I don’t know. Perhaps I’m being petty.

@Happyfarm is it not because he would be rocking the boat if he didn't go and isn't ready to deal with the fallout? He's being a good boy to his mum and siblings.

Honestly, if this is the way he chooses to deal with it, let him. The alternative is that he gets upset and angry and it makes no difference other than to make him sad and exhausted.

@Twatalert I wonder if sending you the money was for their own benefit. Now they can tell themselves and other people how generous they are to you and that you've behaved badly in return.

It not like he has anything to deal with. If you probe him on why he visits when they never visit us in return there is a void, he has no answer, his mouth doesn’t even make an answer. This is how it is full stop. I can’t understand why it doesn’t bother him at all. When you grow into and adult (he’s mid 30’s) I thought that you’d start to question, especially when you notice how different other families are. There is no questioning from him.

I know that both of my parents had to deal with some v traumatic stuff when they were v young. They both had problems. I accept that. They also aren't and weren't good parents. What's key, I think, is that we accept our parents for who they are and don't get caught up in trying to fix them and make them treat us better, because it won't work, and it means we're looking back, not forward.

But maybe not being bothered and not having them live rent free in his head between visits, not worrying about what they do or don't do for his birthday, is not that bad a way to deal with it. Maybe he's on to something. It costs very little to not care and not be that bothered.

I see what you mean. But he really does care, he had to visit his brother on the day, very rigid in this. If he could leave it or not then I’d understand but he HAS to. His parents spend much more on his bro and he is ok with this, apparently he deserves more. He goes and is physically present watching his bro get more. I can’t understand how this is ok.

He doesn’t expect anything and that makes me so sad for him.

@CheekySnake that probably too. Even if they just tell it to themselves how wonderful they are and how ungrateful I am. In their eyes I probably 'keep taking' from them. Well, the cat charity will be delighted.

@Happyfarm don't you think he's on autopilot? He knows what's expected and toes the line. We cannot understand it because we are scapegoats that have come to their senses, but he has everything suppressed deep down, plays his assigned role and has no awareness.

I think you are right. I can’t stand to be around it anymore. I used to go to support him because I feel so bad for him but it’s just horrible now. I’m just making a one person stand really as he’s still stuck. He’s such a good guy and deserves a whole lot more. He’s goes on his own now. He’s been conditioned to expect nothing and that’s what he gets from them. The good thing is that he has a great personality outside of this and is very social and has good hobbies and does not expect from the kids this type of relationship.

It’s funny scapegoats are always accepting, mild, very little emotions like anger or jealousy, pleasing and on the other side golden children are selfish, jealous and judgmental. I suppose a healthy person experiences all of these emotions at some point but they are so divided between roles.

I could have written every word of this myself. It leads to gaslighting yourself because it can't be all that bad can it ?
Surely I am just a drama queen who needs to pull themselves together and stop being such a wimp !
What a selfish, self absorbed judgemental person I must be! If only people could see the real me they would all think that ! Etc etc etc ...

This thread gave me the space to realise that a lifetime of subtle criticism and emotional control really does impact you.
I was never beaten ( well not v often . A couple of times outside of the usual smacking stuff ) never locked in a cellar etc etc but the subtle erosion of my self esteem and having to bury my emotions and plaster a smile on( never complain or express negativity God forbid) really leaves you adrift as an adult. I couldn't look at any of this stuff until we'll into adult hood

Therefore all experiences are valid and I am v grateful to all those who share on here.

That's a really good point!

Well...... not all scapegoats are the same. Some are really spikey and seem to get their revenge in first and do their rejecting first. It's like they say if you've met an autistic person you've met one autistic person.

I never mentioned it previously because I never tell anyone but I actually have two sisters. They're both much older than me.

No 1 was badly, visibly, terribly abused and she went nc with the whole family about 20 years ago. I wish her well but I find her dangerous. You'll hurt her because she changes the rules and is so needy that I don't find it possible to have her in my life. Not that she wants me anyway.

No 2 is a fucking bitch and the gc.

No 3 is me.

Yeah I’m sure being scapegoated must affect some people mentally quite badly and lead to issues. My partner hoards and I’m pretty sure that’s as a result. Its not a nice behaviour.

So I wasn't the scapegoat, Number 1 was. I used the drama surrounding the scapegoating of her to quietly slide off and do my own thing.

I knew Mum was really dangerous from very young, about 3, and avoided her.

I remember cutting my hand when I was 6 and sliding past her with my hand wrapped and she said 'what are you doing?' I said 'nothing' and went to fetch Dad. He cleaned me up quietly so she didn't find out.

I see Dad as the villain in this, he was sane.

He’s been trained to accept this. I didn’t realise until my late 40’s what a shit show of a childhood id had and how much it had affected me. He makes himself small, doesn’t Rock the boat that is how he copes. It you think that’s what you are worth why would you be cross? He doesn’t know to be angry at the unjustness. You being angry because he doesn’t share your feelings I can’t imagine is helping , just another person trying to control and tell him how he feels. He needs to come to his own conclusion no matter how painful for you to watch that is.

Scapegoats are not good people by default. But because they see through the dysfunction and are able to reflect they have the capacity to become emotionally healthy people. I was pretty dysfunctional myself in my 20s before I started my recovery journey.