February 2025 Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

A new thread indeed!.

You should take your SIL up on her offer. It may bring you closer together. If she has offered, why not? What have you got to lose?

Airworld I completely understand, my Mum died just over a year ago and I feel nothing / relieved. People who don't come from families like ours don't get it.

Maybe people from nice families don't have the language, I don't know. Although I don't think it takes much imagination to say something kind.

I feel sad for Mum as a human to be so unmourned but I'm not responsible for her behaving how she did. Plus she's dead, just dead, the dead don't know or care how people feel.

Maybe try breaking down your feelings into bite size chunks and see what is bothering you most. Is it the aunts? Do you live in a different country to them, do they add to your life? Can you bin them off?

It's very hard when someone has been a covert and no one else has seen what you have. Do you have any friend at all who's aware of the full situation?

I am very selective about who I trust with the full facts, it would be too upsetting not to be believed.

@Airworld if anyone has the bloody cheek to think you are disgusting then go NC with them, I think they are disgusting. They didn't have your life so don't get to cast judgement. Other people and their opinions can bugger off. I would block the aunts.
As @Dogaredabomb said break it down to what the feelings are, I expect you still have past pain and feelings to process. It is unbelievable to me how anyone would expect you to travel to attend a funeral for someone who had been cruel.
I was NC when my mum died tbh it was a relief, I was glad it was over. I didn't go to her funeral. I never think of her but I dealt with all the emotional shit when I went NC I loathed her at the end I had nothing left to give. I sure as shit wasn't going to pretend, I had wasted years pretending things were ok, smoothing over her behaviour.
I have only ever discussed my mum with one friend who's mum is same and my husband. I don't want or need other opinions. You have us to talk to about it while you deal with the fallout xxx

@Airworld The first thing I want to say is that I'm sorry for your loss. This must be an unbelievably difficult time and I hope you're OK. Your feelings are natural and understandable, whether there was a good relationship or not. You feel what you feel and that's okay. It 's a process and it will take time, but it will not always feel or be like this. You're in the trenches right now.

Second I wanted to say, in relation to your friends, that most of us don't know how to deal with grief. We don't know what to do or say or whether or say anything at all. We laugh now at the Victorians and the big fuss they made over death and grieving, and the social rules they had, but TBH I think they were on to something. So some of it may be just that rather than anything personal.

Not going to see her/the funeral - I don't think it's that unusual, TBH. It doesn't make you a bad person. As for the flying monkeys swooping in, they are grieving too, and it doesn't tend to bring out the best in people. The fact that they're behaving like flying monkeys even now suggests that they had been influenced by narc behaviour, so there may have been more of it displayed than you think.

Please contact your SIL. She's reached out. Reach back (otherwise you're at risk of doing what you've said other people are doing to you).

And finally this:

when the other person dies people think you are disgusting/ don’t bother with you anymore.

Is this your mother talking? The little voice in your head telling you other people think you are disgusting? You don't know what they really think. I know it's difficult, but it's important not to project/assume. Something happens with a narc parent (I know because I went through this) in which the hyperfocus on what they say are your faults makes you feel like those faults are so obvious that everyone else in the world must hate you for them too. You become very internally focused and self-conscious. But here's the thing. You are just not that important to other people. They are too busy worrying about their own shit to notice other people half the time.

Block people who are making it worse and reach out to the offer of help. And you've got freedom to look forward to now. The relationship is finally done. You can breathe.

You talk a lot of sense cheekysnake I nodded along to all of your post.

I've always referred to myself as sly. My eldest recently said 'you're not at all sly, that's Granny's narrative, it's not true'.

I don't even know why she thought I was sly. Incredibly secretive around her, for sure. For completely sane reasons.

Morning all, need some advice please. NC with mum since last summer. Flying monkey (family member) sends a message. Abridged for time and blood pressure:

FM don’t you think it’s time you spoke to your poor mum?

Me I don’t want that relationship

FM well she does. Why do you think what you want trumps what she wants?

Whats the reply to that?

Sock fluff

"You are not interested in hearing my side of things and have your own agenda so your opinion for what it is will be ignored".

That would be my reply. Bloody FMs are a PITA. FMs are often well meaning but easily manipulated relatives or friends of the narcissist sent in by them to do their bidding. After sending that, block that particular flying monkey.

I would be tempted to reply 'why do her wants matter more than mine?' but that's just petty and you're dealing with a FM.

I think it's worth remembering that a FM is doing what they're doing because they're trying to get praise from the narc. It's not about you at all. If you are in the FM role, you are deep in the manipulation and most of the time you don't even realise it, all you know is that the narc is a victim (aren't they always) and you must protect them, and it feels so good to be in the role of protector because it makes you feel useful and needed and like you have some control.

I always let 24-48 hours pass before I reply to a message because I'm so reactive, physically, I get so tense and upset, even over a stupid text message when I know it can't hurt me and I don't have to do anything I don't want to. I need time to calm down. I'm sitting on one right now :/

Decide what your boundary is. It can be something as simple as 'I don't want to talk about it.' Then when you're ready to reply, politely state it but don't explain or argue. And not replying at all is an option if it feels right for you.

@SockFluffInTheBath tbh I would also block/NC the flying monkey. When I went NC with mum I also blocked siblings & dad precisely for this reason. They want you to take the pressure off them, they are being nagged and moaned at about your boundaries, so they deff want you back in the boat steadying it, bearing half the burden. They are not worth the effort and it is none of their business. Of course in their eyes 'blessed are the peace makers!'... wankers.
Well meaning flying monkeys (my mums carers) I told them the neglect I suffered as a child and I was paying her back quid pro quo but without the beatings, leaving her hungry or dealing with alcoholic rage. I was far kinder than she ever deserved.
In what other relationship would society expect victims to sacrifice their life for the abuser?? rapists, murderers, violent abusers, burglars and yet traumatized children are expected to take on responsibility for the bastards that mistreated them.
We are not the monsters.

Of course in their eyes 'blessed are the peace makers!'... wankers.
made me laugh, very true!

I'm so reactive, physically, I get so tense and upset, even over a stupid text message when I know it can't hurt me and I don't have to do anything I don't want to.
this is exactly how I am, there’s an immediate emotional over-reaction to everything.

Thank you for the fast replies. Will go with something short along the lines of @AttilaTheMeerkat ‘s message and then block them too.

I have a bit of empathy for FM because I can see in hindsight that I've been in that role in the past, for my mother and for a friend I had in my first year at uni. All part of the people pleasing/codependency I was trained into.

Not everyone has the same relationship with the narc also. They can be nice to certain people. Which makes the whole thing just harder to understand. These people they don’t have a clue about the relationship we’ve had with the narc so their opinion is not important. I would probably reply with respect I won’t be further engaging in this conversation. If they don’t respect your boundary then block.

It’s all so exhausting. Totally relate to the reaction to texts and messages. NC with my mother atm over her incredible bad behaviour. My sibling doesn’t even ask me my side of things , just asks my mother who gives a reply that bears no relationship to the truth.

Sockfluff I tend to go for an attempt at educating these types in what a boundary is. I'd reply "Because, like everyone else on planet earth, I have autonomy over my own life and can decide who to have any kind of relationship with and who to not have in my life at all. Nobody needs the other person's permission to end a relationship.". I'll forgive ignorance once, but after I've spelled it out to them, any attempt to pressure me is basically them responding that I'm not allowed to have boundaries. If they do that, they're not someone I want in my life either.

Airworld they say at times of hardship you find out who your friends are. Reach out and accept the hand of friendship offered by your SIL. You needn't talk about your mum especially. But people have shown you who they are. Strengthen the relationship with this woman, who you admit you get along with, and who has shown you she cares and is friend enough to support you at this time. Cool things with those who are incapable of behaving like decent human beings. It's true, people don't know how to deal with grief, but anyone decent who actually cares about you has a go at figuring it out and behaving appropriately. They've shown you they're only fairweather friends so treat them accordingly and don't give them priority status in your life.

Meltedcandlewax does your sibling then feed back to you your Mum's side? I think that sibling is heading for a blocking.

I'm really sorry for what you are going through, @Airworld I remember your story. I have no words of advice, but just wanted to add my voice to the chorus here and contribute to counter your mum's voice in your head: you are a loving, caring person who did what she could to survive the abuse she suffered, and we here know what it is. Take our validation, because it's honest and the best kind: because we know or can actually imagine how absolutely hard it is what you had to do in order to protect yourself and live your life.
I would also take your SIL's offer, assuming there's no "emotional vampirism" tendencies from her part (I've known quite a few of those). What Cheekysnake said about grief and how people (don't) deal with it is absolutely true.
Don't listen to your mother's voice, we're all here with you.

She always takes my mother’s side although she says she understands how I feel. She really doesn’t. It leaves me feeling very alone.

My flying monkey’s mum (my mum’s sister) wrote me a letter. Heavy on the emotional blackmail. DH skim read it for me, gave a sharp précis, and I burned it. We have a log burner so not as dramatic as it sounds 😅 having a shitty week at work, DD18 is unbearable, and I really just want everyone to fuck off and leave me alone.

Melted I have the same situation with my sibling. I once thought I had an ally in all this: we used to talk and I opened up and she seemed understanding and compassive. I went so far as to giving her a book (one of the most recommended about narc mums) because I felt an intense fear leaving her with my mother (I moved away to have my family). But then something clicked and she acts like those talks never hsppened. She's never mentioned or referenced them, never. She acts as if this was some minor misunderstanding between me and my parents and she "doesn't pick sides". It's honestly been crazymaking trying to make sense of it. Tbh, I've found it very hard, trying to mourn the sibling bond I thought we had.

Sock I've been having a lot of days like this lately, I hear you... I love that your DH does this for you: mine does it too. We joke about it: he's my personal secretary and community manager for most comunications with my foo.

Today I've been thinking about "niceness" and how I hate to be nice. I hate feeling the obligation of being nice. As if it was my uniform and without it nobody would recognise me. I genuinely hate it. Maybe you were right and I'm exoeriencing perimenopause... or maybe it's that I feel so constrained by this nice persona that I feel I can't leave behind...
In the past year I've felt a longing for not smiling. Do any of you relate? I'm always praised or described as "being a very nice person". That's it. I hate it. I feel like who I am inside and who I present to others are a million years apart. It doesn't help that I'm very overweight, and feel like I need to overcompensate (?) by being smiley all the time? I don't know. Sorry for the random rant.

I’m the ‘nice’ one at work, which I don’t mind when I’m ‘giving’ it freely but it’s become expected and taken for granted which annoys me. And no one’s ever nice for me, when I need it, why would I ever need it.

I expect it comes from trying to be small and non-threatening to not poke the bear at home.

You nailed it, Sock. I must not take too much space or else she'll notice and come my way. I must be unremarkable.
And yes, I feel like it's been always expected of me. I've had lots of one-sided friendships. But again, it's me who presents this way. And now it's like I don't know how to relate to people if it's not by following this script of overcompensating niceness.

I think being very fat, like me, makes one compensate for the excess space taken up by being nice.

My weight has been an issue from about 3. Mum and Dad very very much prized thinness and sportyness, I fail on both fronts.

I've had periods of being slim and, without fail, I end up in disastrous romantic relationships.

BUT I left home 40 years ago! I think I feel a panic at the possibility of starving to death or something.

I know what you mean, it's devastating when someone doesn't understand. I've become quite closed off.