February 2025 Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

A new thread indeed!.

My father was v keen to blame everyone else for everything in his life. He used to sit me down for serious 'chats' where he'd tell me to my face that my mother had ruined his life by making him have children. I mean WTF. Other people were to blame for the fact that he had no money (despite the fact that he refused to work half the time and yet always seemed to find money for cigarettes and drugs). Other people were to blame for his failure to make any progress in a creative industry (not the fact that he never did any work or finished a single project which he said was because he had been bullied into having children he didn't want/no one understood him/no one appreciated how talented he truly was/cleaned the house to the standard he required/had the correct haircut/wore the right clothes and therefore how could he possibly do any work). He would frequently blow his top saying that we'd embarrassed him in public, go storming off and leave the rest of us stranded somewhere. He once had a complete meltdown on the hard shoulder of the motorway because (I kid you not) he didn't like the t-shirt I was wearing, which made him so angry that he had to stop the car and get out. A flipping t-shirt. This was day one of a two week family holiday. Apparently I looked scruffy and wasn't taking the holiday seriously. I had barely any clothes at the time, it wasn't like I had a lot of options, and this was for a six hour drive in the back of a sweltering hot car. Bloody nutter.

He was also fond of telling me to 'get that look off your face before I knock it off.' I still don't know what 'the look' was. God, the fear.

@CheekySnake I could easily go down this route. I’ve a lifetime of trauma and it’s easy to sit and blame. But at the end of the days life isn’t amazing for everyone and a lot is down to luck and sometimes some not so good decisions. It would be easy to blame the world but I’ve made a conscious choice to live my life forward. I definitely had a lot of potential that I could blame people for taking away but I no longer want to hurt myself and definitely don’t want to hurt people around me. It comes down to a choice, to let it hurt you and others or to just downright accept it’s been shit but to let it go. New people in my
life don’t owe me anything but I have a lot I can give, a lot of lessons I can give.

These people are so sad inside, they can’t disconnect their pain from their past. They destroy the best things in life they could possibly ever have. Innocent children, loving partners and friends. It’s an awful self fulfilling prophecy. Honestly I’m so glad I found this thread because this could have been me, absolutely was drowning in trauma because of my mum.

@CheekySnake your dad sounds bloody awful.

The sad thing is any of us could have become narcs having endured all of this. I wonder actually how much is down to choice? I doubt you’d choose to be a narc.

He was. In hindsight, not just awful but seriously mentally ill, self-medicating, and often very close to being completely unable to cope. The funny thing is, having the family on hand so that he could bully without consequence seems to have been the thing that kept him sane, or as close to sane as he could be. He was sectioned not long after the divorce. I can see now how utterly terrifying he was for a child to have to live with and that I developed a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I'm still working to unpick. Horrible man from a horrible family.

I think, really, there's a nature/nurture thing going on. If you put a person with a particular personality/nervous system into a particular environment, they will develop as a narc. You can put another child into that exact same situation, and they won't. It will still be very difficult for them, though, and they will have to work very hard not to repeat what they know, because chasing the familiar is part of human nature. But if you've been lucky enough to have been given the chance to break the chain you must not waste the opportunity because it's a blessing.

Yeah my grandad was bloody awful. Both my mum and sister are damaged. I’m pretty sure my mum was BPD which has got better with age and my auntie is something else, husband definitely is a narc (no one likes him, very controlling), my dad was loving and I was incredibly lucky to have had him. My brother had faired better but I know he tries so hard and never feels completely good enough, his wife is lovely. Im lucky my current partner is a good man but his mum, yeah we won’t go down that road.

What was your father diagnosed with?

I don't know what the official diagnosis was, because by that time I was already NC with him, and I honestly just didn't want to know. I do know he was very ill - the story was that he turned up on the doorstep of a friend of a friend of his (a psychiatrist) in the middle of the night, babbling and incoherent and was swiftly taken to hospital and was an inpatient for months afterwards. He never went back to work (got early retirement on health grounds). It must have been a very difficult, frightening time for him, I can acknowledge that much. He went mad. My suspicion is that he had full blown narcissistic personality disorder and the end of the marriage triggered a catastrophic breakdown, because there's no way to pretend you're the king of the castle when everyone knows that your wife dumped you for someone else and your kids won't talk to you.

Sounds like a collapse of his world.

When I left my ex I used to come into the house when I knew he was at work to collect things. I found these really odd poems and writings. He also threatened suicide. He sounded mad.

There world really is a house of cards and totally dependent on supply.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to talk to a narcissist in a way where any actual decision is made? We are looking at secondary school so obs the narc wants the absolute best without taking into account anything (even the fact he only has EOW contact). He loads my opinions with negative shit and passive aggressive insults to get me to doubt myself etc etc as they do. Nothing is accomplished. Is there any tricks that work?

happyfarm ask him to make appointments for the two of you to go together to visit every school in the area (not just the one he wants). If he wants you to do it say 'oh you're so much better at it and you're more in tune with exactly what looks correct for you'.

If he has to do the work he might shut up.

The two of you to attend every appointment, not him and his enabling girlfriend.

He’s not interested in any of the schools in my catchment area or the ones she wants. He wants a school miles away and is convinced he is going to sell his gf’s house so that our daughter can go to this school despite the fact he has her 2 weekends a month and couldn’t even do one pick up on a Friday when I was desperate. All because this is the best school he can find and she has to go to the best. He won’t communicate full stop and just insults me telling me it’s about me and what I want because I don’t want to drive miles away to the best school. I want the best for our child. She would absolutely hate this. She has said she wants to go close with her friends and be able to walk to home or family for her lunch. I want her to feel safe because she struggles with emotions as it is. He simply wants the best.

@Happyfarm stop discussing it with him. Your daughter lives with you, you make the decision, stop pandering to him, it just keeps the drama going. She is going to the school you and daughter choose, he has feck all to do with it. Stop giving him fuel. If needed get school & social services involved about his behaviour. Stop negotiating.

He does have parental responsibility and it’s also in the court order that big decisions such as schooling are a joint decision. I’ve said what I’ve said about choice and left it. He will have to take it to court now. It’s just a shame that it always ends up with him repeatedly insulting me.

Can you make it that any communication is from his solicitor to your solicitor? Also, yes, she goes to the school she and you have chosen. He can take that to court.

I have no solicitor anymore. I spent all my savings and self represented in the end. I guess I just forget how selfish they are and think he will eventually put her needs first.

@Happyfarm he would be laughed out of court. He cannot choose a school that she cannot get to! Unless he is paying enough maintenance for taxi every day. Court will listen to daughters choice. He is obviously an idiot don't pander to him, 4 days a month is not parental responsibility. He is just engineering arguments and problems, he likes belittling you.
They only get away with this behaviour when they are enabled and allowed to.

He’s scared the life out of her now by keep telling her that she is going to a school a long way away and he’s selling is house etc etc. she has 2 years to go.

I’m not convinced he’s engineering arguments but I know he’s pissed with me because I don’t enable his I’m superior self belief. His daughter has zero resilience and his choices would not be beneficial for her. Everything about him was the best. The best food, the best clothes etc even back then. He repeatedly tells her that she deserves only the best, only the best will do. Urgh. I couldn’t care less about the best.

@Happyfarm but it isn't his house is it, he doesn't have a house, he lives with a gf! Surely your daughter understands he is just a bullshitter. Typical narc grandiose, chest puffing nonsense.

Not really. Ever since contact resumed he’s been filling her with a lot of rubbish about being her hero etc. mummy is not looking out for you. Blah blah. She is scared of him really, she just says I don’t want to upset him. He’s training her the bastard.

@Happyfarm then you need to speak to the court, the school or a social worker and stop his bullying behaviour. You didn't like being bullied by him, you left him but your daughter is having to suck it up. In 10-20 years time she will be people pleasing, unhappy and realising her childhood has fucked her up. It's not just her dad but your MIL as well. Generational trauma. My mum was a narc but I also despise my weak father who did nothing to protect me and chose the easiest path for him.

I spent 3 years in court and all of my money on barristers and solicitors and advice but court promotes contact at all costs. The school are involved, she does play therapy etc. I carry enough blame already and court is just another enabler. She is with me a lot more and we talk a lot but it’s her dad and she loves him despite him being poisonous.

Im not your parent.

No but you are her parent!

Yes I am and I’m doing the best I can. I don’t like your projection onto me of your father. Have you been through family court for a child?