Child telling me repeatedly they're going to "whack" me with a baseball bat on playdate

[StrawberryDream24]

What would your reaction to this be?

This was from my child's closest school friend.

First playdate went ok, can't remember any rudeness or similar but it was quite a while ago.

Second playdate - noticed a bit of rudeness. Most memorably them informing me that I would be buying them something from the gift shop.

Most recent playdate - among other comments - "I'm going to whack you with a baseball bat".
I think this was said at various points, 3 times before I reacted.

I can't remember what the context was to the first two but the third was that I was asked if I'm a good driver, I answered "alright, why?" .. then asked why I was driving slowly, to which I answered "because it's a narrow, twisty section of road' ..... And then I got the "you better drive faster or I'm going to whack you with a baseball bat".

This was accompanied by a story about how she'd hit her older sister with one (partly accidentally I think) and bloodied her nose.

This was not the only rudeness (or however you want to phrase it during the playdate) and at this point I had had enough and answered "well, I'd hardly be keen to organise more playdates if you did that" and "you might get hit back, do you think people are just going to stand there while you hit them?".

According to my relative, I was over the top, inappropriate, took it too seriously and the child wouldn't really mean it.

That isn't reasonable, is it (??)

I would have said
“ok ok enough now our house rules are no saving anyone is going to hit anyone else, if you don’t want to find something fun and happy to do then play date over”

And there is no chance in hell my child at 7 would have got further than one ridicule at anyone.

I don't think you were wrong to challenge it, but saying you might get hit back is ridiculous. For a start how are you being clear that violence is wrong by threatening it in retaliation?

I would've said why on earth would you say that Veronica? You don't hit people, and if it's meant to be a joke it isn't funny to joke about people being hurt either.

If she said it again, Veronica we don't use language like that here, I can take you home if you'd prefer.

Absolutely this!
Shut down that nonsense immediately

"my child decided to undo her seatbelt, declare she could hit me because she was my child, and leaned forward and started swiping at me with her scarf-hat..."

🙄
This behaviour, whilst you were driving, needs addressing right now.
Not only is she being very cheeky, what she did was incredibly dangerous.
If you think her friend is influencing her stop having her round...that's easy.

If your own daughter is prone to treating you with such disrespect...maybe she doesn't need any encouragement.

I would nip this in the bud right now, before her actions cause a real accident.

Kid needs to be told or he's going to end up with worse than hurt feelings. Can you imagine a teenage boy threatening to baseball bat everyone?
Whoever told you you were over the top is an enabler. Also the spectrum is irrelevant here and if he genuinely doesn't get that threats of violence aren't acceptable then yeah he needs to be told especially if he is on the spectrum and no one has made it clear.
It's not like you told him you'd hit him.

"my child decided to undo her seatbelt, declare she could hit me because she was my child, and leaned forward and started swiping at me with her scarf-hat..."

Oh like fuck!

I'd have pulled over, told her exactly how dangerous and unacceptable her behaviour was and that her friend was going home and probably smacked her backside. Then taken the friend home and tell her mother that the girls hadn't had dinner out because the pair of them had behaved disgracefully.

Ah apologies, I didn't intend to misconstrue.

I think it's absolutely fine to correct unwanted behaviour in other people's children whilst they're under your care. If you do it consistently (as in early, nipping it in the bud as you say) and with warmth you can often avoid escalating to punishments and threats. In my experience most children want to please, want to be approved of, especially from someone they like who shows them kindness and respect. Even "badly behaved" children have this side to them.

I hate it when grown adults condemn small children calling them nasty names and gleefully listing off punishments (I don't mean you but unfortunately this attitude is commonplace). This 7 year old just needs clear, consistent guidance on what is acceptable when they are with your family.

Yeah I’d of drove that kid straight home and said I’m sorry but your child is rude and threatening to hit me with a bat so goodbye

Totally reasonable. My child has a friend like that and I'm steering them to other friends. I don't like the child and I don't like the influence on mine either. It's not acceptable behaviour

Are you SERIOUS? The child has heard it on tv. Ffs.

The child is 7. I don’t see much wrong with this. They just need to be told that’s not nice and how would you like it etc. it doesn’t sound that bad to me tbh.

Just don't have any more playdates with that child, surely? Her mum needs to know, it's not acceptable.

Next time (if there is one) just tell her you'll need to tell her mum though.

So because they are on the spectrum you cannot correct them ????

If my child unbuckled their seat belt I would stop the car until they did it up again. By behaving dangerously in the car they would have also forfeited going out to dinner.

Other children who were rude at play dates i hosted, too me or another child, were given one warning and if it happened again were taken home. I wouldn't put up with it all day, particularly when I was giving them a treat.

The real issue though is how your child behaves. I would ban all further play dates until your child treated you with respect.

Behaviour needs to have consequences, hopefully explained in advance and enforced. You seem to have kept on giving them treats whilst being insulted, that isn't helpful.

I'm assuming both are NT here though.

I think what you said was fine. It sounds like a really horrible day for you.
I wouldn't encourage the friendship and I'd avoid them socialising for the time being.

You don't threaten to hit a 7 year old with a bat no matter how irritating they are

Totally not normal.
My kids were raised in US we had baseball bats in the house and no one ever hit anyone with one, sir threatened to hit anyone with one.
After that way she speaks to you and her saying she hit her sister and bloodied her nose, she would no longer be welcome in my house for a play date. Mine would be going to her house either.

I would have told them I don’t want them to talk to me like that the first time and I would have called the parents to collect the child the third time. Sorry, that is ridiculous behaviour.

It's funny when it's between kids but no way would i allow that talk to an adult. It shows disrespect and that's dangerous if they grow up not respecting your authority or guidance.

At this point I told her to get back in her seat, do up her seat belt and then said "you have been driven to x inflatable park, bought nuggets, chips & coke, given ice cream, then taken to see my sister's pup, taken to a playpark, and are now being taken for dinner....time for a little bit of gratitude and respect instead of this

So even after all this terrible behaviour you were still taking them somewhere for dinner? Where are the consequences? This is why neither of them are behaving. If you must have the friend over again then be very clear. First time a warning "That's very rude behaviour please stop talking to me like that or you will have to go home". Second time take her home. If you dd plays up then tell the friend that unfortunately due to dd's poor behaviour the play date has been cut short and take her home. The might keep going and not heed your warning because they are used to you being a total pushover but once you've followed through with a cosequence a few times they will get the hang of it.

I think you handled it as best you could at the time, I imagine that's quite a shock to hear.
we've had a couple of kids over that push there luck. Playing over at a friends house can be so exciting that young children can be hyped up and in "show off" mode. They are still in a big stage of learning social aspects.
I've found the best response for undesirable behaviour of young guests to be along the lines of;
(In a normal Not raised voice) ooooooh this is my house and we love to have you over to play, but that was a bit rude. We will be more than happy to invite you back in the future if you respect us and our home, but not if this continues.

it's a gentle reminder that's worked well with visitors age ranging between 6 to 13.

However, this obviously wouldn't fit for your situation. I wonder why such a violent thing to say 🤔 maybe leave it a while before inviting her over again.