Child telling me repeatedly they're going to "whack" me with a baseball bat on playdate

[StrawberryDream24]

What would your reaction to this be?

This was from my child's closest school friend.

First playdate went ok, can't remember any rudeness or similar but it was quite a while ago.

Second playdate - noticed a bit of rudeness. Most memorably them informing me that I would be buying them something from the gift shop.

Most recent playdate - among other comments - "I'm going to whack you with a baseball bat".
I think this was said at various points, 3 times before I reacted.

I can't remember what the context was to the first two but the third was that I was asked if I'm a good driver, I answered "alright, why?" .. then asked why I was driving slowly, to which I answered "because it's a narrow, twisty section of road' ..... And then I got the "you better drive faster or I'm going to whack you with a baseball bat".

This was accompanied by a story about how she'd hit her older sister with one (partly accidentally I think) and bloodied her nose.

This was not the only rudeness (or however you want to phrase it during the playdate) and at this point I had had enough and answered "well, I'd hardly be keen to organise more playdates if you did that" and "you might get hit back, do you think people are just going to stand there while you hit them?".

According to my relative, I was over the top, inappropriate, took it too seriously and the child wouldn't really mean it.

That isn't reasonable, is it (??)

I wouldn't have tolerated it either. I had a situation with DD and her friend where DD was playing up to and copying the friend's rudeness towards me. In my best stern teacher voice, I said to the friend something along the lines of "You are being rude and I will not have it, once more and I'm phoning your mum to come get you and I will tell her exactly why"
Then to my DD (in front of her friend) "You know better than this. Its not clever to copy bad behaviour. Stop or your friend won't be coming round again"

So no I don't think you were OTT at all!

You wont be hitting me with a baseball bat because if you speak to me like that again you'll be going home.

Sounds like a spoiled little brat.

Would be a shame if you accidentally bumped into her one day, and knocked her over.

😉

I salute you. How did the child respond? I bet she piped down.

What you'd said is fine.

If my ds said that I'd hope you have it to him with both barrels and then told me so I could reinforce the message at home!

He has ASD. That's very different from out and out rudeness.

He may make a comment like "it's a 40mph road" if you're going 41!

But threats to harm with a weapon. Nope. That's very different.

I would be mentioning to the parent when you see them next that their child was quite rude to you at the last play date and then look at said child and wait for the parent or child to say something.

You can then add context as to what was said.

That's what I would do

It is uncomfortable disciplining other people's kids though, even nicely pulling them up on their behaviour. Especially when they're newer friends and not the kids that you've known and had round for years. I know I've let rudeness go unchecked on a playdate longer than I would if it just been DD alone.

I think logically I know it's best to deal with the problem behaviour right at the start, and before it starts to frustrate you. But you don't always do what is best!

It was actually on the way home, the whacking threats were mostly because I wasn't driving fast enough at all times.

Apparently she'd been in the car for "years" on the way there (45 mins).

(I took them to an inflatable park in my hometown because there isn't one where we live, as something different/special).

I would have told them that I will not tolerate being spoken to that way and threatened and then I would have phoned their parents to come and collect them. I have two autistic children and would not accept either of them speaking to anyone in that way.

You have to ask her why is she saying that.

I wouldn’t shrug it off, I’d ask why they would say something like that to me, tell them it’s not ok to speak to people like that and ask if anyone has said that to them. Id be concerned they were trying to express something that had worried them to me, 7 is really little to fully understand threats etc.

I’d also follow up with my child that it’s not ok to say things like that, they mustn’t copy and also to tell me if that friend makes threats like that to them as well.

before finally blowing up

I didn't blow up i.e. there was no aggression or raised voice, I just said the above.

Then, on hearing me tell her friend that if she did that I'd not be rushing to organise more playdates and that she might get hit back (& that people don't generally just let you hit them without hitting back), my child decided to undo her seatbelt, declare she could hit me because she was my child, and leaned forward and started swiping at me with her scarf-hat.

At this point I told her to get back in her seat, do up her seat belt and then said "you have been driven to x inflatable park, bought nuggets, chips & coke, given ice cream, then taken to see my sister's pup, taken to a playpark, and are now being taken for dinner....time for a little bit of gratitude and respect instead of this".

(This resulted in silence from friend for 5 mins. My child was better behaved but not silent).

I agree, however, that I probably should have nipped it in the bud earlier.

I would find that hard to do at the best of times but this lady has a tough set up re. the Dad etc. so I felt like I didn't want to add to her stress/hassle.

(I did dryly relate one of the insults I'd been called several times by both kids and she grimaced and looked uncomfortable. I didn't want to go any further than that).

There would be no taking out for dinner and my child would be having a serious talking to about vehicle safety and a total play date ban or other appropriate punishment upon arriving back at home

i certainly wouldn’t be having that child for a play date until at least the next school year either

Fair play to you.

I worry about how a child might relate something I say to their parent.

I mean, they're not likely to say "I was being a little shit and X's Mum told me to stop".

I'm actually wondering what version of "if you hit me, I wouldn't be organising any more playdates and you might get hit back" might be relayed to her Mum.

I'm wondering whether to only organise playdates with both parents there to avoid that (I think she'd probably rather have the break though).

Don't ever have her back in your house again, there's something going wrong in that family.

I should think any normal parent would think, well what have you been doing that caused the mum to say that.

Unfortunately though, a lot of parents seem to struggle to accept their children are not perfect and are, at times, well little shits.

Oh well, fair enough then, but still odd that she thinks it is a normal, acceptable, commonplace thing to say to someone else outside her home.

When I had very similar in the car I stopped and gave one warning. When it happened a few minutes later I turned the car round and drove the child straight back to their house and told the mother why.

One warning should be enough, repeat offenders don't get another chance.

Yes this. Any future rudeness or threats, say 'Right, time to go home now X' and take them home. Play date over.

I'd of just said in a stern but not raised voice" no Thankyou, we don't talk like that In this car/ house" and drop it.

PullTheBricksDown Absolutely. No need to shout or get cross. Just: I'm not prepared to take you out for the day (and pay for your entrance fee and buy treats) if you are going to be rude to me.

Floods of tears did nothing to change my mind, although I remember handing over a couple of tissues.

I think it is better to nip it in the bud asap and give a little lee way for ASD. What you said explained things perfectly IMO to an autistic way of thinking. You clearly explained why she shouldn't hit you and why she shouldn't hit anyone else.

It would be a shame for your child's closest friend not to be able to come round. I would avoid long car journeys perhaps in future with this friend now yuo know they struggle with it. I think you handled it well and the friend is really helped by someone like you explaining behaviour rather than saying nothing and then just not having her round again.

I would wonder if it’s become a bit of a running joke in their house after he accidentally bopped his sister on the nose with one.
Either way doesn’t sound nice when said out of context.

I think what you said was right. You were pretty factual. If she isn't told she won't learn it's not okay to go to friends' houses and say such things. Other parents might just simply never invite her back.