Child telling me repeatedly they're going to "whack" me with a baseball bat on playdate

[StrawberryDream24]

What would your reaction to this be?

This was from my child's closest school friend.

First playdate went ok, can't remember any rudeness or similar but it was quite a while ago.

Second playdate - noticed a bit of rudeness. Most memorably them informing me that I would be buying them something from the gift shop.

Most recent playdate - among other comments - "I'm going to whack you with a baseball bat".
I think this was said at various points, 3 times before I reacted.

I can't remember what the context was to the first two but the third was that I was asked if I'm a good driver, I answered "alright, why?" .. then asked why I was driving slowly, to which I answered "because it's a narrow, twisty section of road' ..... And then I got the "you better drive faster or I'm going to whack you with a baseball bat".

This was accompanied by a story about how she'd hit her older sister with one (partly accidentally I think) and bloodied her nose.

This was not the only rudeness (or however you want to phrase it during the playdate) and at this point I had had enough and answered "well, I'd hardly be keen to organise more playdates if you did that" and "you might get hit back, do you think people are just going to stand there while you hit them?".

According to my relative, I was over the top, inappropriate, took it too seriously and the child wouldn't really mean it.

That isn't reasonable, is it (??)

They are 7, by the way.

Also, possibly on the spectrum.

But I'm just wondering that from other behaviours, I don't know.

Other people’s dc are never like your own ime. I think what you said was fine. I suspect they were trying to be funny/showing off.

There is no way I would find this acceptable.
Next time she says something rude or threatening, stop what you are doing, get down to her level, look her in the eye and ask her why she is talking like that to you.
Let her know that sort of language is not acceptable, either to you, or to anyone else.

Mine can be cheeky (usually in a playful, not very offensive way though sometimes pushes it) ...she gets much cheekier and more derogatory in company with this friend.

Most of the day seemed to consist of them ridiculing me and sometimes this child's Mum.

I shrugged it off all day but got to the end of my tether by that point.

I would have cut him some slack , kids copy what they see ( hopefully a comedy film in this case ). But 7 year old are not known for their comic timing , tone , nuance etc so may have come off rude when they were trying to be funny
doubly so if on the spectrum
you didn’t say anything wrong and handled it well do no harm done either way

Where has a girl of 7 in the UK learned that phrase, or even what a baseball bat is, unless she's heard it - or been threated with it - by someone else?

If I were you, I would be concerned enough to report this to her school just in case there might be something going on at home.

I'd have said the same. If you hit people they will hit you back. They aren't just going to stand there and be hit. And if you hit me, you will be getting out of my car and waiting for your mother to collect you, I don't look after violent children.

They spent time in the US and have a baseball bat in the house, I've seen it in the hallway.

She told me she hit her sister with it and bloodied her nose.

I have seen she and her sister pulling each other around .... Rather typically for siblings. On that occasion her sister looked more like the aggressor.

My DP's kids talk like this. Mostly to each other, but it's bloody awful to listen to. We'll be sat at the table eating and they're saying things like 'Give me the ketchup or I'll stab you with a butter knife". It's just endless, and they can't ever seem to talk to each other in a civil manner. They're barely any better when they're talking to other people either. DP almost never calls them out on it, something about 'picking your battles' apparently.

Lol

It would be a total over reaction to report this child to the school imo.
Kids can be cheeky, if they get away with it they will push boundaries. I would just let her know that she is crossing a line.
I wouldn't like it if my daughter was copying her behaviour, either.
If your daughter is ridiculing you, tell her the other girl won't be welcome in your home anymore if she carries on copying her.

The first time she said it I would have told her off. The second time I would have phoned her parents to come and get her or driven her straight home and home then why.

My relative told me I took a child too seriously and was OTT.

That I should only have said "it's not nice to hit people".

I really wondered if that was true, so it's interesting to see your perspective.

I'd not have the ridicule either and would tell them both to display some manners or the friend is going straight home as she is rude and DD could go to her room and would not be having any more friends round as she clearly isn't grown up enough not to show off.

Fuck that for a lark.

It doesn't matter if the child meant what she said or not. The fact is, her language was inappropriate and it came across as rude and in part aggressive. I personally don't think you overreacted. Her attitude wouldn't be tolerated in school, and she'd be pulled up on her use of words!

"Time to go home!" would have been my response. Don't put up with that, OP. Your child will copy them and will become a nightmare.

Most of the day seemed to consist of them ridiculing me and sometimes this child's Mum.
I shrugged it off all day but got to the end of my tether by that point.

Why would you 'shrug it off'?

If you were looking after her for the day, why wouldn't you (however nicely) speak to her about the rudeness when it first started ?

This sounds even worse.

Well the little shit wouldn’t be coming back to my house again I know that.

Dont mind a bit of cheekiness but no sorry, wouldn’t be having that.

Yes, the typical 'gentle parenting' response.

I think you needed to be more consistent and direct, but by that I don't mean "more angry". She's only 7 years old. It may be seen as an acceptable joke in her family. I've found that rude children can often be very sweet it's just they literally haven't been taught that what they're saying is unacceptable.

You can use at first a fairly relaxed /amiable tone "Hey - I don't like that, that's rude", then progress accordingly, a more serious tone "No I'm serious, I don't like you to say you're going to hit me. Don't say that again" and if you are really encountering intentional defiance at some point you call it a line and say you're going to have to end the playdate because you won't accept their behaviour.

But this doesn't sound like intentional defiance - you've given off confusing signals by ignoring/accepting this behaviour/language repeatedly before finally blowing up, kind of arbitrarily. That's literally incomprehensible to a 7 year old.

I read somewhere with kids you can speak to them as though you would a visitor from a foreign country with a very different culture. Your goal is to help to guide them what is polite/acceptable, without assuming the worst about them - they are still learning.

Regardless of whether he is on 'the' spectrum or not, yes I'd find this unacceptable

I'd simply answer back, oh really, whack me eh, I'll whack you back etc

I'm with you. But I'd have told the parents as well.
"We had some silliness today that verged on being rude. Your child said several times that they wanted to hit me. I thought you'd want to know"
Hard stare at said little git

I'd tell DD her friend isn't coming back for a while and why. We've had similar. One repeat offender we have banned having sleepovers with. Another was cut off completely after the last offence of getting my child to download an app that was like anime porn chat. We encourage inviting other friends instead.
My middle child is susceptible to being influenced by his friends naughty behaviour and frankly if you give an inch, they'll take a mile with some children.