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Original poster

Dead end or am I about to ruin things?

70 replies

OneHardyMintZebra · 11/02/2025 09:46

So I have been with my boyfriend for a year now. It’s long distance so we only see each other once a week.
He has been separated for 3 years and has 2 primary school age DC who he has 50%. I haven’t met his children or family yet and they don’t know about me as obviously a year isn’t very long. But AIBU that I think we should start talking about these things now at least? As in thinking maybe in another 6 months or something. I guess I’m frustrated that things haven’t progressed since we first started seeing each other as in terms of how often and that he can’t give me an answer as to when he/his kids will be ready for things to move forward.

He has a free weekend every other week but never stays over as he states he is busy. Usually out with his mum, gym, errands etc on the weekends he doesn’t have his kids. So he will come for one evening eg Friday night and then return home. I guess that frustrates me as well as our relationship basically consists of us seeing each other about 5 hours a week.

We talk about the future but I’m struggling to understand why when he’s not ready for me to meet his family yet. This has resulted in an argument as he thinks I am being pushy. I’m not pushing to meet his kids but I guess I’m wanting reassurance that this is going somewhere. He stated that his kids haven’t healed yet from their separation so they’re not ready. And in terms of getting a divorce they want to wait until the kids are settled etc and that he will ‘do it in his own time’. AIBU that I also think that is strange? I know I have no right to ask him to get divorced but I have let him know that I’m not happy with him continuing to be married. I said that from the start and he still doesn’t even want to have a conversation with his ex about it.

For context his ex had an affair and does have another DC now but don’t believe she is in a relationship. I understand that’s messy for the kids but I think 3 years is a long time in terms of them coming to terms with their parents not being together?!

Basically I’m thinking of ending things but I don’t know if I’m being unrealistic with my expectations here and therefore potentially ruining something good as he is a genuinely good guy and I do see a future with him (if things progress on his side)

OP posts:
DroppedOff · 11/02/2025 09:49

I would expect to be spending weekends with him when he doesn’t have the children.

Five hours a week? Doesn’t seem much point tbh especially if there are no plans to move forward in any way.

Doingmybest12 · 11/02/2025 09:51

Sorry ,but this is going no where, convenient for him to have a girlfriend on the back burner with few demands being made and carrying on with his own life meanwhile. If you are looking for a future with someone then I think you need to start again.

Alalalala · 11/02/2025 09:54

He’s not treating you as a serious relationship. You’re a nice little addition on the side of his real life. Your instincts that this isn’t enough are right.

Girlmom35 · 11/02/2025 09:58

This isn't a relationship. This is a casual friends with benefits situation at most.
You can't build a relationship based on 5 hours a week together. And you're right, things should have progressed by now.
The sentence that got to me was that his family doesn't even know about you. No way. I absolutely get not involving the children. It was probably a messy divorce and he doesn't want to worry them with new upcoming changes. But his family and friends!? They aren't children who need to be protected.
He's keeping you out of his life for a reason. This is going nowhere.

LaundryPond · 11/02/2025 09:59

It’s not working for you — why wouldn’t you end things?

Original poster
OneHardyMintZebra · 11/02/2025 10:04

Ok sorry just an add- that wasn’t completely accurate in that he states his friends and brothers do know about me. So just his parents and children don’t know. But we’ve never met anyone from each others circle. I have been present when he’s been on FaceTime etc with them. But I guess that’s not what bothers me as I understand his children. But then I don’t know how to deal with not having any sort of timeframe for that changing. As it limits a lot. He currently lives with his mum so I can rarely go there incase she comes home etc (and yes he definitely lives with him mum. Or she lives with him)

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 11/02/2025 10:07

This is not a relationship, you are the once a week fuck buddy for a married man. This will not progress. He has no plans to divorce, he won't introduce you to his family, you aren't a part of his everyday life.

There is no future here and he's using you.

TwistedWonder · 11/02/2025 10:09

He doesnt see you as a partner or a priority. If he did he’d find the time to put you first ahead of things like the gym and running errands.

Hes telling you loud and clear that you’re way down his list of priorities.

You’re just a convenient shag on a Friday - nothing more.

Neveranynamesleft · 11/02/2025 10:12

Another vote for move on......

RubyRedBow · 11/02/2025 10:16

I ended up in a very similar situation and it never changed.

I dated him and it slipped into being a meet up for a few hours thing which was never what I was looking for.
In my opinion he wanted my full attention on his phone everyday, he wanted girlfriend behaviour, he wanted kisses and cuddles, sex, the occasional meal or shopping trip out but that’s as far as he was committing.

He had no kids but I had one. I grew tired of it all and stopped seeing him.

Daisyvodka · 11/02/2025 10:18

He's been separated for 3 years but still lives with his mum? Is this a situation where he cares for her?

Cattenberg · 11/02/2025 10:18

I would cut my losses too. Not necessarily because you haven’t met his children, but because he’s in no hurry to divorce. When I was much younger, I briefly dated a man who was separated from his wife but still married, however nowadays I would only date a man who was properly single. It’s too messy otherwise.

RubyRedBow · 11/02/2025 10:18

I think in your case he is giving you ‘the script’. They always have a cheating ex don’t they? I don’t believe he is single.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2025 10:19

Cut your losses and end this sham of a relationship today. How is it you’ve settled for this crap for the last 12 months?. Raise your bar and boundaries here going forward.

He can also use the excuse of him living with his mother not to get serious with you.

Sunat45degrees · 11/02/2025 10:21

At best, this is a FWB situation.

But really, I think he's married and you are the OW. I bet you have sex every single time you see him?

Original poster
OneHardyMintZebra · 11/02/2025 10:30

Thanks for the replies. It echoes what I have been thinking. But when I raise it he thinks I’m being unreasonable as he will say we’re only been together for a year….. and that he sees me as often as he can.
His mum wasn’t living with him in the beginning- she has moved in for a year to save money as she’s moving to retire in a different country late this year. So since she’s moved in I see him a lot less. He would occasionally stay over before then. Since august he has stayed over two nights. And then he will leave half way through Saturday normally to go out with his mum! I guess it’s nice that he wants to spend time with her before she goes. But I would have thought he could at least prioritise one weekend a month with me. I guess if he wanted to he would

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 11/02/2025 10:32

Your last line sums it up OP. - if he wanted to he would.

Move on , he’s just wasting your time.

Daleksatemyshed · 11/02/2025 10:38

He puts everyone else before you Op and he's happy with that. It doesn't matter what he tells you, his actions tell a different story, you're worth far more so end it and find a man whose free.

Waterboatlass · 11/02/2025 10:38

I'd move on from this. He could prioritise you at weekends and still make time for his mum, the gym and errands. This is going nowhere

RubyRedBow · 11/02/2025 10:40

What’s the distance between you?

MounjaroOnMyMind · 11/02/2025 10:44

Why does he need to give up his time with you in order to spend it with his mum, when he lives with her and would see her most days?

This man doesn't want a serious relationship, OP. I'd cut my losses.

Rhaidimiddim · 11/02/2025 10:47

Either you are the other woman, or you're his booty visit.

My money is on the former.

senua · 11/02/2025 10:47

I guess it’s nice that he wants to spend time with her before she goes.
Wouldn't it be nice if he applied the same thought-process in your direction.

Rhaidimiddim · 11/02/2025 10:48

outerspacepotato · 11/02/2025 10:07

This is not a relationship, you are the once a week fuck buddy for a married man. This will not progress. He has no plans to divorce, he won't introduce you to his family, you aren't a part of his everyday life.

There is no future here and he's using you.

Edited

100% agree.

Starlight1984 · 11/02/2025 10:49

TwistedWonder · 11/02/2025 10:09

He doesnt see you as a partner or a priority. If he did he’d find the time to put you first ahead of things like the gym and running errands.

Hes telling you loud and clear that you’re way down his list of priorities.

You’re just a convenient shag on a Friday - nothing more.

Yeah this. When me and DH first got together there is not a chance on this planet either of us would have put "running errands" or the gym above seeing each other!!!

He only has his kids 50% of the time, why can't he run errands and go to the gym during the week when he doesn't have his kids???

Sorry but as @TwistedWonder says, it does sound like you're just a convenient shag on a Friday night.

And it wouldn't surprise me at all if he had someone else (probably the "ex")