Dead end or am I about to ruin things?

[OneHardyMintZebra]

So I have been with my boyfriend for a year now. It’s long distance so we only see each other once a week.
He has been separated for 3 years and has 2 primary school age DC who he has 50%. I haven’t met his children or family yet and they don’t know about me as obviously a year isn’t very long. But AIBU that I think we should start talking about these things now at least? As in thinking maybe in another 6 months or something. I guess I’m frustrated that things haven’t progressed since we first started seeing each other as in terms of how often and that he can’t give me an answer as to when he/his kids will be ready for things to move forward.

He has a free weekend every other week but never stays over as he states he is busy. Usually out with his mum, gym, errands etc on the weekends he doesn’t have his kids. So he will come for one evening eg Friday night and then return home. I guess that frustrates me as well as our relationship basically consists of us seeing each other about 5 hours a week.

We talk about the future but I’m struggling to understand why when he’s not ready for me to meet his family yet. This has resulted in an argument as he thinks I am being pushy. I’m not pushing to meet his kids but I guess I’m wanting reassurance that this is going somewhere. He stated that his kids haven’t healed yet from their separation so they’re not ready. And in terms of getting a divorce they want to wait until the kids are settled etc and that he will ‘do it in his own time’. AIBU that I also think that is strange? I know I have no right to ask him to get divorced but I have let him know that I’m not happy with him continuing to be married. I said that from the start and he still doesn’t even want to have a conversation with his ex about it.

For context his ex had an affair and does have another DC now but don’t believe she is in a relationship. I understand that’s messy for the kids but I think 3 years is a long time in terms of them coming to terms with their parents not being together?!

Basically I’m thinking of ending things but I don’t know if I’m being unrealistic with my expectations here and therefore potentially ruining something good as he is a genuinely good guy and I do see a future with him (if things progress on his side)

I could see the point if he didn’t want his kids to know about you.

but his parents? Mine have known about people I’ve dated pretty much from the start- even if it’s to say ‘he’s nice, but not long term’

If he’s serious, he’d be showing you off to all his friends and family- if not his kids.

Hi OP,

We (myself included) all spend too much time wondering what men are thinking or when they'll do this or why they've done that.

FWIW, I do think that he is being very unkind and promising you things that he has no intention of providing. The red flags for me are:

• nearly never staying over (when I've dated men with kids, my experience has been that they usually try to spend every spare weekend with me).
• having time for gym, his mates, his mum, but not you.
• not introducing you properly to his family, even if the kids can wait a bit.
• seeing you less at his house because "his mum might walk in" - if it's his house and she is a guest, he shouldn't be shuffling you into a corner out of sight of his mum.
• his turning it into you being pushy rather than engaging with you on your wants/needs and a timeframe.

Now, that aside, I don't think you have to have a big discussion about it or cause yourself upset. I think you need to reframe the thought process into "this is what I want and expect, and it no longer matches with this particular person."

You don't need to ask why or make it about you not being "enough" (whatever the f*ck that means). You do not need to beat yourself up or feel bad because of him.

You can focus on you and say (write it down, even better):

• I want a boyfriend and partner in my life.
• I want someone who is emotionally available.
• I want someone who is open to discussions about the future.
• I want someone who listens to, takes seriously and tries to address my concerns.
• I want someone who prioritises me and time spent with me.
• I want someone who is proud of me and introduces me to their people.
• I will communicate my wishes and my hopes clearly.
• I will only make time and give my energy to people who reflect back the effort I am willing to put in.

In practical terms, to me, this means a quick message or call to him to say "I've had a nice time with you but this relationship is not evolving in the way or at a pace that I would like. Through discussion I can see we aren't on the same page so I am calling it a day. I wish you all the best."

And then block, delete, whatever. Do your crying and your what-iffing (not being flippant, this advice is based on me also having been a heartbroken, sad-sack) and then take your list and say "I will find a person who treats me with the same enthusiasm, kindness and hope with which I will treat them". If you only put your energy into these people, you are almost certain to find a great one. xx

Edited for typos.

Best case scenario he's using you to have sex once a week. Worst case scenario his previous relationship is not really fully over and he's stringing you along until he makes a decision on that.
It feels like you need to move on and prioritise a relationship with a real future.

No, worst case scenario, which I suspect is the case, is that there is no “previous relationship”. There is a “very current marriage, with a wife who doesn’t have a clue and a mistress who also doesn’t have a clue she is one”. Oh! And a man who has his cake and eats it. The guy is deffo married. 💯

It he’s got another gf closer to home who he rushes home to spend the weekend with.

This man is either not single or he only wants a casual shag. Either way he’s not worth wasting time on

Just to update that I’ve already spoken to him and ended things. So I guess no more advice needed!
I think I was hoping for him to see my points and change things but that didn’t happen. I should have listened to the advice to just end things without going into stuff. Apparently I’m being unreasonable about his mother as the fact he lives with her doesn’t mean he gets to spend quality time with her 🙄 and she’s leaving in November. And he told me he can’t have me in his live if I can’t respect that!
But ultimately ended with him saying he can’t give me what I want. So that’s that. What a waste of my time!

Well done, and just a note that although it doesn't feel like it now, this is not a waste of time.

You must have enjoyed some of it or you'd not have done it, and it has become an example of you figuring out what you do/don't want, and are prepared to accept or not. You have strengthened your own autonomy.

It has been practice in you advocating for yourself and your desires. Next time, if faced with a time waster, you'll have this knowledge to say "This is not for me, I can just leave this situation, I don't need to hear his BS".

Well done you, onwards and upwards!

You wasted a year on a married man.

Maybe it's time to think about and even write down your life goals. Something like you want to find a decent single man to have a long term committed relationship with. Now, look at the men you date. Discard the married ones immediately. They don't want what you want.

Good on you for ending it.

Not a waste of time at all. You had great sex, you had some very nice moments. Some people come into our lives just for a temporary lift up, take us from the hand and pass us to the next man until we find our forever. Good luck OP. I am glad you valued yourself high and ended things.

Well done for being decisive OP .

My only advice would be to spot the red flags a lot sooner next time. By what you’ve said the ding a were there from early on but he gaslighted you into doubting yourself.

Remember your own words, if he wanted to, he would.

I don’t feel there is anything to ruin. He should be rubbing to you when he’s got spare time. I don’t think he sees it as a serious relationship.

I think I just see it as a waste of time as he led me to believe it was something more than it was. And I’ve brought it up before. So complete future faking. The signs probably were there but I guess early into a relationship I can’t expect him to spend all his spare time with me? So was difficult to judge.

I guess it was a temporary lift up but now I feel worse! Not sure why men do this, is it that difficult to get sex elsewhere? 🤦🏻‍♀️ I certainly wouldn’t be travelling for it!

But I guess I’ll learn from it and move on.

So basically, every week or two he comes over to yours for sex and then goes home again.

This isn't a relationship, is it? He's using you as a convenience, and isn't including you in any other part of his life. He has free weekends but doesn't spend them with you. He would if he wanted to, but he doesn't.

Time to end this one methinks.

I hope you’re OK. Tells you all you need to know that he would never have changed by his reaction to turn it back onto you.

I'm so glad you've ended it. Please use it as an opportunity to think about what YOU really want in a relationship. Don't rush into something else, but do some work on your wants, needs, self esteem, etc. There's lots of great books out there to help you. And one more thing, IMO if a man's really into you, he'll move heaven and earth to be with you. Promise yourself you won't accept crumbs any more!

Well hopefully this will stand you in good stead next time Op - he was waving a lot of red flags but in future you'll see them earlier. He had so many shortcomings and you've done yourself a big favour, no man whose keen on you relegates you to five hours a week.

OP - you say at the start is a relationship you can’t expect a man to spend all of his free time with you but if he’s really into you, he would want to give you as much time as possible and he’d plan better to prioritise you. If he’s only giving you crumbs after a few weeks, don’t keep hanging on for a year accepting those few scraps.

Don't make someone your priority if they treat you like an option.

I think in the beginning I thought it was ok because of the distance as well. Maybe I should have expected more right from the beginning but I think it’s quite reasonable to build on how often you see someone the more serious you get. That just hasn’t happened! In fact I probably did see him more in the beginning until his mum moved in!

This was the first relationship since my divorce so I’m a bit rusty. I thought if I made a fuss about how much I’m seeing him (or not seeing him) early on he’d think I was a bit of a bunny boiler!

But I agree, I should’ve ended things a lot earlier and will make note for next time. If there ever is a next time.

He was your rebound :). Take a break and look for a real relationship. Have you had therapy after your divorce? It’s really important to before your next relationship.

I haven’t had therapy no. Something I could consider. For now I think I just need some time by myself with the kids