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Original poster

Dead end or am I about to ruin things?

70 replies

OneHardyMintZebra · 11/02/2025 09:46

So I have been with my boyfriend for a year now. It’s long distance so we only see each other once a week.
He has been separated for 3 years and has 2 primary school age DC who he has 50%. I haven’t met his children or family yet and they don’t know about me as obviously a year isn’t very long. But AIBU that I think we should start talking about these things now at least? As in thinking maybe in another 6 months or something. I guess I’m frustrated that things haven’t progressed since we first started seeing each other as in terms of how often and that he can’t give me an answer as to when he/his kids will be ready for things to move forward.

He has a free weekend every other week but never stays over as he states he is busy. Usually out with his mum, gym, errands etc on the weekends he doesn’t have his kids. So he will come for one evening eg Friday night and then return home. I guess that frustrates me as well as our relationship basically consists of us seeing each other about 5 hours a week.

We talk about the future but I’m struggling to understand why when he’s not ready for me to meet his family yet. This has resulted in an argument as he thinks I am being pushy. I’m not pushing to meet his kids but I guess I’m wanting reassurance that this is going somewhere. He stated that his kids haven’t healed yet from their separation so they’re not ready. And in terms of getting a divorce they want to wait until the kids are settled etc and that he will ‘do it in his own time’. AIBU that I also think that is strange? I know I have no right to ask him to get divorced but I have let him know that I’m not happy with him continuing to be married. I said that from the start and he still doesn’t even want to have a conversation with his ex about it.

For context his ex had an affair and does have another DC now but don’t believe she is in a relationship. I understand that’s messy for the kids but I think 3 years is a long time in terms of them coming to terms with their parents not being together?!

Basically I’m thinking of ending things but I don’t know if I’m being unrealistic with my expectations here and therefore potentially ruining something good as he is a genuinely good guy and I do see a future with him (if things progress on his side)

OP posts:
Starlight1984 · 11/02/2025 10:53

OneHardyMintZebra · 11/02/2025 10:04

Ok sorry just an add- that wasn’t completely accurate in that he states his friends and brothers do know about me. So just his parents and children don’t know. But we’ve never met anyone from each others circle. I have been present when he’s been on FaceTime etc with them. But I guess that’s not what bothers me as I understand his children. But then I don’t know how to deal with not having any sort of timeframe for that changing. As it limits a lot. He currently lives with his mum so I can rarely go there incase she comes home etc (and yes he definitely lives with him mum. Or she lives with him)

So he lives with his mum? But also can't see you due to wanting to spend time with her??? What adult lives with their parents and ALSO spends their spare time with them on weekends?!

And why can't he tell her about you?

Original poster
OneHardyMintZebra · 11/02/2025 10:55

Daleksatemyshed · 11/02/2025 10:38

He puts everyone else before you Op and he's happy with that. It doesn't matter what he tells you, his actions tell a different story, you're worth far more so end it and find a man whose free.

That’s exactly what I said to him. That his words don’t match up with his actions. He will often say we’ll do this, that etc. For example, he’ll say I’ll stay over the next weekend I haven’t got the kids. And then it never happens. He thinks I’m being petty as I ‘know he’s busy’.
But to me most of the time he doesn’t seem that busy! Yes he’ll go shopping with his mum, he goes to church, cleans, etc. But I thought I was being too needy to make a fuss. As I thought maybe we’re just different and some people are probably happy with seeing someone once a week. Glad it’s not just me who thinks this is off

OP posts:
Original poster
OneHardyMintZebra · 11/02/2025 10:58

Starlight1984 · 11/02/2025 10:53

So he lives with his mum? But also can't see you due to wanting to spend time with her??? What adult lives with their parents and ALSO spends their spare time with them on weekends?!

And why can't he tell her about you?

Show quote history

I do agree with this! But though I’d sound like an absolute bitch if I raise that I’m annoyed he spends so much time with his mum!

he says that he would only introduce me to his mum when he’s sure that he will marry me basically! As he doesn’t want to deal with the questions if it doesn’t work out

OP posts:
RubyRedBow · 11/02/2025 11:10

Start being busy when he wants to come over.
He has all week to spend time with him mum and to go to the gym.

Starlight1984 · 11/02/2025 11:12

OneHardyMintZebra · 11/02/2025 10:58

I do agree with this! But though I’d sound like an absolute bitch if I raise that I’m annoyed he spends so much time with his mum!

he says that he would only introduce me to his mum when he’s sure that he will marry me basically! As he doesn’t want to deal with the questions if it doesn’t work out

Show quote history

Yeah my ex (many years ago) used this line on me too.

He claimed to live with his mum and spend all his free time with her. He couldn't introduce me to her as his mum hadn't got over the heartbreak of him splitting up with his wife. All of it was bullshit. He was still married and living with his alleged "ex".

So sorry but he's lying to you @OneHardyMintZebra

Christl78 · 11/02/2025 11:12

OneHardyMintZebra · 11/02/2025 09:46

So I have been with my boyfriend for a year now. It’s long distance so we only see each other once a week.
He has been separated for 3 years and has 2 primary school age DC who he has 50%. I haven’t met his children or family yet and they don’t know about me as obviously a year isn’t very long. But AIBU that I think we should start talking about these things now at least? As in thinking maybe in another 6 months or something. I guess I’m frustrated that things haven’t progressed since we first started seeing each other as in terms of how often and that he can’t give me an answer as to when he/his kids will be ready for things to move forward.

He has a free weekend every other week but never stays over as he states he is busy. Usually out with his mum, gym, errands etc on the weekends he doesn’t have his kids. So he will come for one evening eg Friday night and then return home. I guess that frustrates me as well as our relationship basically consists of us seeing each other about 5 hours a week.

We talk about the future but I’m struggling to understand why when he’s not ready for me to meet his family yet. This has resulted in an argument as he thinks I am being pushy. I’m not pushing to meet his kids but I guess I’m wanting reassurance that this is going somewhere. He stated that his kids haven’t healed yet from their separation so they’re not ready. And in terms of getting a divorce they want to wait until the kids are settled etc and that he will ‘do it in his own time’. AIBU that I also think that is strange? I know I have no right to ask him to get divorced but I have let him know that I’m not happy with him continuing to be married. I said that from the start and he still doesn’t even want to have a conversation with his ex about it.

For context his ex had an affair and does have another DC now but don’t believe she is in a relationship. I understand that’s messy for the kids but I think 3 years is a long time in terms of them coming to terms with their parents not being together?!

Basically I’m thinking of ending things but I don’t know if I’m being unrealistic with my expectations here and therefore potentially ruining something good as he is a genuinely good guy and I do see a future with him (if things progress on his side)

Er…are you sure he is separated? OP, this man could very well still be married?

TwistedWonder · 11/02/2025 11:14

Starlight1984 · 11/02/2025 11:12

Yeah my ex (many years ago) used this line on me too.

He claimed to live with his mum and spend all his free time with her. He couldn't introduce me to her as his mum hadn't got over the heartbreak of him splitting up with his wife. All of it was bullshit. He was still married and living with his alleged "ex".

So sorry but he's lying to you @OneHardyMintZebra

Show quote history

Remember the recent thread where a man couldn’t introduce the gf of 4 years (who he only saw once a week) to his parents that he claimed to live with because they were racists.

Turned out the parents were lovely and the bloke was living with his partner and child the whole time.

OP - this is a waste of your life unless you’re happy to be a once a week shag. I’d bin this one off personally.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 11/02/2025 11:18

So you see him 5 h a week. Have you ever not had sex in that visit?

If the answer is no, you have your answer: he's future faking you so he can get his leg over once a week. That's all you are to him.

Original poster
OneHardyMintZebra · 11/02/2025 11:20

I do 100% believe he’s separated. It was very messy in the beginning and they are only recently just becoming amicable. Whether he’s over it is another matter as ultimately she ended things because she fell pregnant by another man. So not his choice to end the marriage.
And I don’t believe he’s living with anyone else but his mum. It would make more sense if there was another woman or if that woman was me. I think he just genuinely finds this an acceptable relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
OneHardyMintZebra · 11/02/2025 11:23

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 11/02/2025 11:18

So you see him 5 h a week. Have you ever not had sex in that visit?

If the answer is no, you have your answer: he's future faking you so he can get his leg over once a week. That's all you are to him.

And most visits yes we do have sex. Unless I’m on my period

OP posts:
Christl78 · 11/02/2025 11:25

OneHardyMintZebra · 11/02/2025 11:23

And most visits yes we do have sex. Unless I’m on my period

Show quote history

Then I think this is the only thing he wants until he processes the end of his marriage. Know your worth, get rid of him

pictoosh · 11/02/2025 11:25

I think he comes for a shag. So sorry. You deserve all that you would like and more.

Starlight1984 · 11/02/2025 11:25

OneHardyMintZebra · 11/02/2025 11:20

I do 100% believe he’s separated. It was very messy in the beginning and they are only recently just becoming amicable. Whether he’s over it is another matter as ultimately she ended things because she fell pregnant by another man. So not his choice to end the marriage.
And I don’t believe he’s living with anyone else but his mum. It would make more sense if there was another woman or if that woman was me. I think he just genuinely finds this an acceptable relationship

It's um, not a relationship though is it? You have said neither of you have even met each others friends or families and his family don't even know about you?

Do you go on holidays together? Do you spend birthdays / Christmas / special occasions together? Have you had any weekends away together?

Are you not massively upset by the fact that, the only time he has spare, he still decides he would rather spend it doing cleaning or shopping with his mum?!?! Do you not want someone who would move heaven and earth to see you whenever they get chance?!

DaringLion · 11/02/2025 11:26

How is this a relationship? This is a FWB situation

Foreverhope1 · 11/02/2025 11:27

I'd put the relationship on pause - focus on your needs and find someone who is available & can prioritise you.

You'll be forever competing for him, he's a Dad, you'll not get what you want out of this relationship.

Spottedplant · 11/02/2025 11:29

He doesn't want to move it on because he's still in love with his wife but he needs someone to be with while he processes it.

Starlight1984 · 11/02/2025 11:31

Foreverhope1 · 11/02/2025 11:27

I'd put the relationship on pause - focus on your needs and find someone who is available & can prioritise you.

You'll be forever competing for him, he's a Dad, you'll not get what you want out of this relationship.

I'd agree that she needs to end this relationship (not "pause" it!) but him being a Dad has nothing to do with it!

Millions of separated / divorced parents with shared custody are able to date and meet new people. Many go on to re-marry. You can still have a healthy, loving relationship with another adult when you have children!

My DH had 50/50 with his daughter when we got together but then the time he didn't have her, he would take me out to dinner / gigs / weekends away. He would often drop her off back at her mums on a Sunday night and then drive across to mine just so we could spend a couple of hours together before going to sleep and going to work on a Monday. You make the effort if you want to be with someone - kids or not.

It's not about "competing" but even when OPs bf doesn't have his children, he would still rather do his chores above seeing her!!!

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 11/02/2025 11:33

I’m sorry OP he isn’t treating this as a serious relationship with a future. A year is enough time to know if you want to make a more serious commitment to someone. Anymore time you give to this relationship will be wasting your time and delaying you from finding a more serious relationship. This is all on his terms. You deserve better.

TwistedWonder · 11/02/2025 11:39

DaringLion · 11/02/2025 11:26

How is this a relationship? This is a FWB situation

It’s barely even that. It’s a weekly quick shag and he’s off home again

BobbyBiscuits · 11/02/2025 11:39

Either he's got another girlfriend or he's not flipping interested. Either way there's no point.

Original poster
OneHardyMintZebra · 11/02/2025 11:45

And to add I have a DC also so I understand they take up time. My DC goes to his Dads every other weekend so I have him more than 50%. So I understand he maybe wants time to himself for some of the weekend. But to not even spend one night 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
OneHardyMintZebra · 11/02/2025 11:46

But thank you everyone. I’m not going crazy then. I’ll be speaking to him tonight with a view of ending it

OP posts:
Sunat45degrees · 11/02/2025 11:49

You believe him.because it was "messy" in the beginning?! Honestly op, it's just thatn in the beginning he felt obligated to spin a more complicated story to convince you and now he doesn't need to.

And he NEVER stays over, or very seldom? come on. How naive are you?

xRobin · 11/02/2025 11:54

OneHardyMintZebra · 11/02/2025 10:58

I do agree with this! But though I’d sound like an absolute bitch if I raise that I’m annoyed he spends so much time with his mum!

he says that he would only introduce me to his mum when he’s sure that he will marry me basically! As he doesn’t want to deal with the questions if it doesn’t work out

Show quote history

Sorry OP, I think he’s very much still married and living with his family.

They might have had a brief separation or marital counselling that sparked his desire to look elsewhere (which is when you might have stayed at his) but since then, it sounds like they’re back together and you’re the “other woman”.

If it were me, I’d prepare to leave him.
But just to be sure, if you know where he lives, I’d be in the area for around 5/6pm (family dinner time) and message him “hi, I’m in the area, am I alright to pop in? I’m just around the corner”.
If he absolutely freaks out, he’s married and his wife is cooking in the kitchen.

Move on OP, your life is worth so much more.

FloofyKat · 11/02/2025 11:59

What? He’s been separated for three years but is waiting until the kids are older to get divorced? This makes no sense. Another reason to ditch him.

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