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Original poster

Bf decided out of blue he doesn’t want more kids

72 replies

Mumof427 · 10/02/2025 23:09

Hi
I’m just looking for advice really , my bf and I have been together for 9 years this year , we have a 3 year old son (soon to be 4) together (his first ) and I have 3 older children from a previous relationship.
im older than my bf , he’s 29 this year and I’m 40 soon . The issue is he’s dropped a bombshell that he doesn’t ever want more kids . Now this would be fine if he hadn’t spent every year since our son had been born telling me he did . He bought me ovulation kits the whole thing and it finally happened we became pregnant in late September last year . The pregnancy ended only ten days after we found out , both of us were devastated but he had a hard time accepting it .
now he’s shut down and is saying he wants no more , which I find hard to accept as this may be my only chance again due to my age
if he changes his mind in a few years it will be too late for me and I don’t know what to do
and advice appreciated

OP posts:
everychildmatters · 10/02/2025 23:30

I assume therefore he has booked in his vasectomy?

ManHereSorry · 10/02/2025 23:34

You’ve already got four. He’s realised he doesn’t want more, it’s completely valid - one is plenty for most men. You’ll need to find someone else if you insist but why would you want to keep having more at your age?

pennydroppedtoday · 10/02/2025 23:37

Have you spoken to him about your last pregnancy. Could be that it's affected him more than you realise

Hemlocked · 10/02/2025 23:38

Did he say why he has changed his mind?

DoYouFeelLikeAPlasticBag · 10/02/2025 23:42

He can change his mind and doesn't have to have a reason although I guess there already being 4 children and the loss probably have a part in swaying his decision.

You can try to find someone else if you want more children but no one should feel forced into having kids they don't want.

minipie · 10/02/2025 23:51

I understand the U turn is upsetting but equally I think he is entitled to decide he doesn’t want any more.

It’s not like you have no kids and he’s strung you along and now it’s too late and you’ve missed your chance of motherhood … men who do that are really shitty… but you have one together and 3 others!! Isn’t that enough?

Mom2K · 10/02/2025 23:51

How many children did you hope to have?

At what point would you have been ok with no more kids? 5 children? 6?

With 4 kids already, I'm not sure why stopping at that number would be upsetting. But either way...you can't make him want more and if you have a good relationship, I don't think it's worth putting strain on your relationship by pushing the issue.

You could have more children with someone else, but is breaking up the stability and family life of the existing children worth it, just so you can have another one?

I know you didn't mention wanting children with anyone else, just trying to give something to think about.

Enough4me · 10/02/2025 23:53

At 40 your health risks are higher. He loves you more than a DC that doesn't exist?

TomatoSandwiches · 10/02/2025 23:55

He sounds sensible, hopefully he will put his money where his balls are and get a vasectomy.

2JFDIYOLO · 11/02/2025 00:40

You've got four between you. Never have more kids than you have hands.

He's not yet 30 - and there's four of them.

He's been through the sadness of losing a child, and watching you go through that.

It must have hit him hard, to pack-pedal and change his mind - which is absolutely his right.

And has he booked his vasectomy yet?

GreyCarpet · 11/02/2025 07:38

I'd be looking at why you want a 5th child tbh.

I don't think it's unreasonable to decide that you don't want to be responsible for raising more than 4 children tbh.

Chuchoter · 11/02/2025 07:45

Be thankful that you have four healthy children.

Lmnop22 · 11/02/2025 08:51

I think some of these responses miss the point that wanting another child can be an overwhelming biological desire even if we have children already!

I desperately wanted a second child despite already having one and being a mum.

It’s not fair to try to change his mind and forcing it either way will lead to resentment. If you’re absolutely sure that he has made up his mind, is not reacting to your miscarriage and has thought it through properly, then it’s up to you whether you can accept that you won’t have more children and can be happy with what you have and, if not, then leave and seek happiness elsewhere.

LaundryPond · 11/02/2025 08:53

GreyCarpet · 11/02/2025 07:38

I'd be looking at why you want a 5th child tbh.

I don't think it's unreasonable to decide that you don't want to be responsible for raising more than 4 children tbh.

This. Why do you want yet another, OP? Four is a lot.

LaundryPond · 11/02/2025 08:54

Lmnop22 · 11/02/2025 08:51

I think some of these responses miss the point that wanting another child can be an overwhelming biological desire even if we have children already!

I desperately wanted a second child despite already having one and being a mum.

It’s not fair to try to change his mind and forcing it either way will lead to resentment. If you’re absolutely sure that he has made up his mind, is not reacting to your miscarriage and has thought it through properly, then it’s up to you whether you can accept that you won’t have more children and can be happy with what you have and, if not, then leave and seek happiness elsewhere.

There’s a difference between wanting a second child and wanting a fifth!

ThejoyofNC · 11/02/2025 08:55

He's entitled to change his mind.

Lmnop22 · 11/02/2025 09:08

LaundryPond · 11/02/2025 08:54

There’s a difference between wanting a second child and wanting a fifth!

Show quote history

Why? If OP wants a fifth child that’s her business! If her partner doesn’t then it’s a choice that only she can make.

None of anyone else’s business how many children she wants 🙄

pinkfondu · 11/02/2025 09:12

The number of children is a red herring!

I think a loss board would be more useful op, sounds like he doesn't want to go through that again

Viviennemary · 11/02/2025 09:14

ManHereSorry · 10/02/2025 23:34

You’ve already got four. He’s realised he doesn’t want more, it’s completely valid - one is plenty for most men. You’ll need to find someone else if you insist but why would you want to keep having more at your age?

Four is quite enough for anybody. Your bf has the right idea.

TY78910 · 11/02/2025 09:15

I understand you're disappointed and probably blindsided.

Please don't underestimate how pregnancy loss affects men. When we suffered a MC, my DP said next to nothing. One of his friends is now going through the same and he told me how he's been supporting him and explaining how hard it was for him. I had no idea. I knew he was sad at the time, but not to this extent.

He might not want to go through this pain again, and knowing that you're nearing 40, he knows the risk of this happening again is higher.

TY78910 · 11/02/2025 09:17

LaundryPond · 11/02/2025 08:54

There’s a difference between wanting a second child and wanting a fifth!

Show quote history

Depends how old the eldest are tbf. If they’re nearing adulthood and you have a newish relationship, you’re realistically only fully looking after two if the other two are grown doing their own thing

BlondiePortz · 11/02/2025 09:21

TY78910 · 11/02/2025 09:17

Depends how old the eldest are tbf. If they’re nearing adulthood and you have a newish relationship, you’re realistically only fully looking after two if the other two are grown doing their own thing

Show quote history

Wouldn't a hobby be easier?

TY78910 · 11/02/2025 09:23

BlondiePortz · 11/02/2025 09:21

Wouldn't a hobby be easier?

Show quote history

For me, yes! But some people are just destined to have lots of children. It’s like a calling

Jen596 · 11/02/2025 09:29

Come on OP, nobody needs 5 kids. Concentrate on the 4 you already have and making sure they all have a really good life.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 11/02/2025 09:35

The pregnancy ended only ten days after we found out , both of us were devastated but he had a hard time accepting it .
now he’s shut down and is saying he wants no more
You wrote your OP and title like he strung you along, but he is actually reacting to loss and wanting to avoid that hurt again. It's an understandable reaction. It sounds like he could do with some support over this. I'd put any baby discussion on the backburner for the moment and give him that support.