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Original poster

Bf decided out of blue he doesn’t want more kids

72 replies

Mumof427 · 10/02/2025 23:09

Hi
I’m just looking for advice really , my bf and I have been together for 9 years this year , we have a 3 year old son (soon to be 4) together (his first ) and I have 3 older children from a previous relationship.
im older than my bf , he’s 29 this year and I’m 40 soon . The issue is he’s dropped a bombshell that he doesn’t ever want more kids . Now this would be fine if he hadn’t spent every year since our son had been born telling me he did . He bought me ovulation kits the whole thing and it finally happened we became pregnant in late September last year . The pregnancy ended only ten days after we found out , both of us were devastated but he had a hard time accepting it .
now he’s shut down and is saying he wants no more , which I find hard to accept as this may be my only chance again due to my age
if he changes his mind in a few years it will be too late for me and I don’t know what to do
and advice appreciated

OP posts:
Barrenfieldoffucks · 11/02/2025 09:37

ManHereSorry · 10/02/2025 23:34

You’ve already got four. He’s realised he doesn’t want more, it’s completely valid - one is plenty for most men. You’ll need to find someone else if you insist but why would you want to keep having more at your age?

Agreed. It sounds like he has changed his mind, as against deceived you, and that is perfectly valid. There are 4 kids in your household which is more than enough for most.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 11/02/2025 09:37

TY78910 · 11/02/2025 09:23

For me, yes! But some people are just destined to have lots of children. It’s like a calling

Show quote history

Bollocks.

Chewbecca · 11/02/2025 09:39

When you put aside the question of him changing his mind, can you work out how you feel about more children? Are you desperate for another or maybe actually ok with it?

Lucy20333 · 11/02/2025 09:51

LaundryPond · 11/02/2025 08:53

This. Why do you want yet another, OP? Four is a lot.

Show quote history

Firstly I am sorry for your loss.

I agree with most the comments on here.
You already have 4 children and so you are very blessed and he is totally in his right to change his mind. But ask yourself why are you really upset about this? Do you not understand why he has changed his mind? Are you taking it personally that it’s to do with your relationship rather than he’s struggling with the loss? Or is it simply because you crave another child so badly and hate that he has told you no? Yes you are 40 but people are having kids into there 40s a lot now and it’s not like you are childless. Surely caring for your current family, including your partner, his grief and yours is more important to concentrate on right now.

In turn, it is understandable how you are feeling. Since having your child together you’ve both been planning another and you’ve clearly been looking forward to that and planning a larger family. Also as you have just also experienced the loss to immediately try again may be your way to deal with it… however it sounds like it’s the total opposite for him.

He is shutting down the loss he has been too overwhelming and he is scared to go through that again. Most men deal with their emotions differently to us and shut down when overwhelmed and can find their emotions harder to cope with.

Talk to him gently about it and let him grieve and spend time together. Some compromising is what you both need and meet in the middle. Give him time he needs to sooth and then as he heals he might have a change of heart as you create more lovely memories together with your current children.

But best not to push him and if you truly love him then you have to accept you might have to settle with the beautiful kids you already blessed with. It sounds like time, patience and care is what you both need at the moment. Better to look after each other and the children you have now rather than hurt eachother more.

Ask yourself do you love the idea of another baby more than you love him? If you do then are you with the right guy and should you be having more kids with him anyway.

Lucy20333 · 11/02/2025 09:52

Mumof427 · 10/02/2025 23:09

Hi
I’m just looking for advice really , my bf and I have been together for 9 years this year , we have a 3 year old son (soon to be 4) together (his first ) and I have 3 older children from a previous relationship.
im older than my bf , he’s 29 this year and I’m 40 soon . The issue is he’s dropped a bombshell that he doesn’t ever want more kids . Now this would be fine if he hadn’t spent every year since our son had been born telling me he did . He bought me ovulation kits the whole thing and it finally happened we became pregnant in late September last year . The pregnancy ended only ten days after we found out , both of us were devastated but he had a hard time accepting it .
now he’s shut down and is saying he wants no more , which I find hard to accept as this may be my only chance again due to my age
if he changes his mind in a few years it will be too late for me and I don’t know what to do
and advice appreciated

Firstly I am sorry for your loss.

I agree with most the comments on here.
You already have 4 children and so you are very blessed and he is totally in his right to change his mind. But ask yourself why are you really upset about this? Do you not understand why he has changed his mind? Are you taking it personally that it’s to do with your relationship rather than he’s struggling with the loss? Or is it simply because you crave another child so badly and hate that he has told you no? Yes you are 40 but people are having kids into there 40s a lot now and it’s not like you are childless. Surely caring for your current family, including your partner, his grief and yours is more important to concentrate on right now.

In turn, it is understandable how you are feeling. Since having your child together you’ve both been planning another and you’ve clearly been looking forward to that and planning a larger family. Also as you have just also experienced the loss to immediately try again may be your way to deal with it… however it sounds like it’s the total opposite for him.

He is shutting down the loss he has been too overwhelming and he is scared to go through that again. Most men deal with their emotions differently to us and shut down when overwhelmed and can find their emotions harder to cope with.

Talk to him gently about it and let him grieve and spend time together. Some compromising is what you both need and meet in the middle. Give him time he needs to sooth and then as he heals he might have a change of heart as you create more lovely memories together with your current children.

But best not to push him and if you truly love him then you have to accept you might have to settle with the beautiful kids you already blessed with. It sounds like time, patience and care is what you both need at the moment. Better to look after each other and the children you have now rather than hurt eachother more.

Ask yourself do you love the idea of another baby more than you love him? If you do then are you with the right guy and should you be having more kids with him anyway.

Coconutter24 · 11/02/2025 09:52

Has he said why he’s changed his mind? Having 4 children might be enough for him, if it’s not enough for you then you have to ask yourself what’s more important to you? He’s entitled to not want more. Do you both earn enough to provide for 5 kids? He might have realised anymore than 4 will be to much, he could be happy with the way things are there’s so many reasons why he’s changed his mind.

ThejoyofNC · 11/02/2025 09:54

Jen596 · 11/02/2025 09:29

Come on OP, nobody needs 5 kids. Concentrate on the 4 you already have and making sure they all have a really good life.

Nobody needs 5 kids, but it's fine to want 5 kids.

The same as it's fine for him to want one.

Lucy20333 · 11/02/2025 09:58

Chewbecca · 11/02/2025 09:39

When you put aside the question of him changing his mind, can you work out how you feel about more children? Are you desperate for another or maybe actually ok with it?

This. Exactly what I thought, some people are more hurt by the answer no than the actual not getting.

LucyMonth · 11/02/2025 10:07

I am also older than my husband (5 years) & if you’ll indulge me in a little armchair psychology…

Is the issue that you’re worried he will want 2 biological children because that’s seen as “the norm” and if you wait any longer you won’t be able to give him that? You’re worried he’s been put off by the grief of losing your baby, but once he’s processed that he’ll change his mind and it’ll be too late for you? & he might seek a second child elsewhere? Someone younger?

I completely understand that fear. My husband and I have decided to stop at 1. No other children whatsoever. Also after a miscarriage. My husband had a vasectomy. That put my mind at rest that he meant what he said when he said 1 was plenty. We’re also married which helps.

Babadook76 · 11/02/2025 10:08

everychildmatters · 10/02/2025 23:30

I assume therefore he has booked in his vasectomy?

Why would you assume that?
Op you already have so many children, you already have a child together who to me is barely more than a baby. I’d go for counselling and put your energies into raising your young family instead of trying to create more

SheridansPortSalut · 11/02/2025 10:15

He's only 28. He might decide he'd like another child at some point. He doesn't know what he's going to want in 10-15 years time. That is still going to be the case even if you do have a child now.

Do you actually want another child yourself or were you mostly going along with it for him?

MySparklyGreyScroller · 11/02/2025 10:17

ThejoyofNC · 11/02/2025 09:54

Nobody needs 5 kids, but it's fine to want 5 kids.

The same as it's fine for him to want one.

Show quote history

It might be fine to want them, but unless he changes his mind very sharpish, she’s not going to get one. She’s already been so blessed it would be such a shame for her grief to affect the children she already has. Like pp says one is already still so small, why can’t she just enjoy them? Also even if he does change him mind again, the flakiness would put me off, she could very well end up a single parent to 5 children. I know mn is very supportive of big age gap relationships, but that’s the reality of a women in her 40’s being with a man in his 20’s. He could reasonably have another 15 years to change his mind and start again with a new family, where the op doesn’t have that luxury

user1471538275 · 11/02/2025 10:17

You can want whatever you want and feel however you feel.

When it comes to actions related to that though you need to consider the practicalities of the situation.

He doesn't want any more - so this will endanger your relationship if you push it and has the potential to harm all the children you currently have.

Do you personally have the financial and emotional resources to care for 5 children? Is that the case if you're doing it on your own? Is that the case if one of your child becomes disabled or the new child is born with additional needs?

If you're expecting the rest of society to pick up the bill for your wants and feelings then that's a problem.

As for destiny, words fail me.

BlondeFool · 11/02/2025 10:18

2JFDIYOLO · 11/02/2025 00:40

You've got four between you. Never have more kids than you have hands.

He's not yet 30 - and there's four of them.

He's been through the sadness of losing a child, and watching you go through that.

It must have hit him hard, to pack-pedal and change his mind - which is absolutely his right.

And has he booked his vasectomy yet?

This

Four is enough.

SheridansPortSalut · 11/02/2025 10:20

Why would a 28 year old have a vasectomy? He's got all the time in the world. It's unfortunate that the op doesn't but that's just how it is.

MySparklyGreyScroller · 11/02/2025 10:20

SheridansPortSalut · 11/02/2025 10:15

He's only 28. He might decide he'd like another child at some point. He doesn't know what he's going to want in 10-15 years time. That is still going to be the case even if you do have a child now.

Do you actually want another child yourself or were you mostly going along with it for him?

I’ve only just seen the op has skewed the ages a bit. So he’s not even 29 yet and they’ve been together 9 years. So the op in her 30’s got with a teenager. That’s a bit fucked up in it self tbh. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if at some point a man who since a teenager has been with an almost middle aged woman with already 3 kids decides this is not what he wants anymore

HideousKinky · 11/02/2025 10:21

He hasn't decided "out of the blue".
He has decided following the recent loss which is quite different

ButIToldYouSoooo · 11/02/2025 10:22

You have 4 children and you're now 40.

I think his decision and feeling are quite responsible under the circumstances.

lovelydayIhave · 11/02/2025 10:25

He sounds sensible.
4 kids is a lot.

LAMPS1 · 11/02/2025 10:26

Four children in the family takes a lot of devotion to parenting from you both.
It’s also very expensive to support them all financially.
Then more children you have, the less attention each one can receive, especially if you are both working, and the further each £ has to stretch.
Maybe your bf has suddenly had a light bulb moment and realised that four children in the family is enough. It’s a massive responsibility for him as it is without adding more.
Or maybe his change of heart is a reaction to your recent loss. There could have course be some reason other than the obvious.

You sound very disappointed with his decision OP. I think you are entitled to know what’s behind it but I think you must also respect it. It sounds very sensible to me.
I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you can come to a good and better understanding between you both in time.

Pyjamatimenow · 11/02/2025 10:26

4 kids and you want more? You’ve got a ‘boyfriend’ of 29 and you’re 40? Give over. Just look after the ones you’ve got. He doesn’t want another. He could well walk if you force the issue and you’d be left on your own. He could even be thinking of leaving at the moment. There’s also no guarantee your child wouldn’t have additional needs or a disability.

Starsandall · 11/02/2025 10:41

I wonder op if the stress of losing a baby in pregnancy is too much for him to go through/watch you go through. Are your older children much older than your youngest? I think it’s completely up to you both to work out how many to have. However as someone whose parent didn’t want children full stop I wouldn’t force it. Would he consider therapy to deal with the loss if that is the issue.

Icanttakethisanymore · 11/02/2025 10:55

Everyone has a view on how many children other people should have OP and you already have more than most people think is 'enough' so I don't think you will get much sympathy here. I guess all you can do is chat to him and try and find out the reason for his change of heart. MCs are obviously very upsetting and some people are more affected by them than others. Perhaps he is just scared to go through that again? Do you definitely want another child or are you just concerned that if he changes his mind in a few years then it will be too late for you and this will negatively impact your relalationship?

Glorybox2025 · 11/02/2025 10:57

You've got 4 kids and you're 40. Count your blessings and don't ruin your happiness over this.

Glorybox2025 · 11/02/2025 10:58

MySparklyGreyScroller · 11/02/2025 10:20

I’ve only just seen the op has skewed the ages a bit. So he’s not even 29 yet and they’ve been together 9 years. So the op in her 30’s got with a teenager. That’s a bit fucked up in it self tbh. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if at some point a man who since a teenager has been with an almost middle aged woman with already 3 kids decides this is not what he wants anymore

Show quote history

Ew that's a bit Sam Taylor-Johnson of her. Glad she waited until he was 28 to procreate with him at least!