Please help me think clearly around this. I am thinking with my emotions and I know I’m getting stuck and confused. My husband has a history of violence and coercive control (if he doesn’t get his way or something displeases him he goes to a “dark mood” and then eventually explodes with banging things, breaking things, throwing things - sometimes at me - or just scolding and shaming). Overt violence towards a person has been fairly rare, but it happens. He has shoved me openly and smashed/punched plastic storage containers that were located next to me at head height which terrified me. I confronted him about violence so he widened up and became covert and subtle, which tricked me for a while. The types of harm he does are now usually disguised as accidents when I or the children are targets. He typically throws something at me from behind and says it’s an accident. He hasn’t done it in a while. But Last weekend he slammed the large wooden sliding wardrobe doors multiple times in a rage when something bothered him. This Sunday I forgot to remind him that I had to sing in church, so he dipped into a sulk and I was terrified of what would happen, but thankfully it was only a shaming and scolding and painting himself as victim this time. He often tries to shame and scold me in a loud voice by listing my faults right as I am trying to go to sleep, since I made the mistake of telling him I can’t handle difficult conversations at bed time bc I’m too tired to think clearly. I now try to avoid him at bed time. We all walk on pins and needles around him. I never know when he will slip into a dark mood and when he is in the dark mood, what will happen. He acts like he is a victim, but he becomes dreadfully frightening. I dread weekends.
I have reported all of the harm / threats to police and children’s services and am documenting anything new. i realise the obvious answer is “leave him”. I am trying and it’s tricky because he has so much control, including over the money. He has stopped giving me an allowance because I got a part time job. My local women’s aid can’t take anyone on at moment because they are under funded. I have hounded them for support literally since last March. The other local DV charity said my DASH score is too high for them to help me. I had an IDVA in the past and am in the process of going back to my GP to ask to be re-referred to an IDVA so that I can start making plans to leave again. When I tried to leave before, it was too complicated because things didn’t line up (I had nowhere to go) and my husband left the house for a while so I could come back and promised to reform himself. I knew the improvements probably wouldn’t last, but he has been improved since then although I know it’s highly likely he will eventually resort to violence again and we need to get away from him.
We live in the U.K. but I am originally from the USA and met my husband when I came to the U.K. as a student. My husband tells me he is “done” with the city where we live in the U.K. and is done with the U.K. in general. He says he wants is to move to the USA now - to my home state - and is encouraging me to look for jobs there to anchor the move. For ages, it seemed he would never move and I was fine with that. I made many decisions based on the decision to do life here, including decisions that affect my career and financial prospects. Husband now speaks to me about this like he is desperate and like his life depends on it. Since I am right at the end of finishing a qualification here in the U.K. and have been secretly trying to prepare to leave him, all of this is very stressful. He acts like it is my fault that we can’t move NOW and he wants me to quit my part time job (which I just started this past autumn) so I can concentrate on completing my qualification and make an international move happen.
I know it’s crazy to even think of this, but the thought of moving to where I grew up so my kids can experience it really tugs at my heartstrings. I know how things work there and what opportunities exist for children etc. I start to think about how if we moved there and got divorced there, the kids and I might feel more supported since I know the community so well.
I also worry that if I divorce him here and not there, I might never be able to move back. Or at least not until the children are grown, due to custody arrangements. That would be approximately 7-10 years. I worry that life here as a single mum will be really difficult and that it might be better if the children and I were able to go back to my community.
when I take a step back, I think I am trying to plan for any and every eventuality, and I am probably over thinking. My husband is completely on my case, pressuring me to plan an international move and acting like he is a victim of my inability to make it happen as soon as yesterday. I worry that if I divorce him here, in the city that he apparently hates, that he will want to harm me even more and that he will become a dreaded enemy.