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Original poster

Hiding to use my vibrator without husband knowledge

64 replies

CrumbsInMyBra · 08/02/2025 11:14

I’m 29 married to my 40 year old husband. We’ve been married and living together a little over a year now but have been together 3.5 years. We also have a 9 month old.

I was just wondering if it’s a normal occurrence for one half of the couple to self-pleasure without the other half’s knowledge? I guess I’m asking because if my husband was ever to catch me in the act I’d be quite embarrassed. I’ve asked him and he says he doesn’t masturbate or watch porn because he’d rather have sex and tbh he is quite busy working all the time so I believe he doesn’t.

We’ve been having a lot of problems lately and our sex life isn’t the best at all. Our communication isn’t too great either so I struggle to open up to him and feel vulnerable with my husband. Our sex together is okay it’s just I’ve never had an orgasm having sex with him but orgasm pretty strongly when using my vibrator.

Recently I suggested to him that we introduce some sex toys and he went out and bought one and I bought one too. We tried both in the same night but neither of them worked for me and then when I snuck downstairs after with my own personal vibrator I got off immediately. My own personal vibrator is a big massaging wand so I’m a bit embarrassed to show it to him so it’s just hidden in the bedroom.

I’m asking because I feel quite unfulfilled in the marriage in general, quite lonely and then embarrassed that I have to sneak around just to have an orgasm. We don’t have much privacye in the bedroom with a young baby still in our room or much privacy in the house in general because his brother, his cousin and husband’s tenant and sometimes the gf also lives here. It’s only a temporary living situation though.

OP posts:
bigkahunaburger · 09/02/2025 15:07

billycat321 · 09/02/2025 00:34

Never used a vibrator. I can bring myself to orgasm by remaining absolutely motionless using the power of thought alone. I can do this after years of practice as the great lump lay farting and snoring beside me. I can make my orgasm last as long as I want- hours if I wish. As they say, if you want anything doing properly, do it yourself!

What witchery is this! And I want to know how to do it.

Original poster
CrumbsInMyBra · 09/02/2025 15:16

jsku · 09/02/2025 01:41

@CrumbsInMyBra

I think there are a few issues there. One is the lack of privacy, that obviously make it harder for you to relax.

But there is also a second issue, potentially. You don’t mention if you had orgasms with penetrative sex with other men. (Or even if you had sex before your H).

And you also say your vibrator is a large massage wand. I think I know the type you are talking about - and they have a really powerful vibration - the kind that stimulate your body in a very different way than any other sexual encounters.
So - the fact that you didn’t manage to orgasm with different toys (guessing the more regular vibrators, that dont vibrate quite as strong) - may mean that you sensitised your body to only orgasm with a particular stimulation - that only the Wand can provide.
It is the female version of death grip.

Women often have hard time orgasming. And not everyone orgasms with penetration only.

In your place - i’d try to experiment with different toys on my own, or even with just hands - to try to re-program your body to orgasm with different types of stimulation.
So that you may eventually get to enjoy sex with a partner as well.

Or - just bute the bullet and get him to usw the Wand on you.

No, no orgasms during sex with anyone else. My husband is my second sexual partner. The first guy I had sex with, I’d only had sex with him a couple of times and it wasn’t that great by memory tbh.

yes it’s a plug in wand. I try not to use it too often. I think I enjoy that it has a larger surface area whereas the smaller vibrators I feel give a more direct and focussed vibration sensation that’s not as enjoyable. I don’t really think it’s about the strength of the vibration because I don’t use it on a high setting anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrumbsInMyBra · 09/02/2025 15:18

WillIEverBeOk · 09/02/2025 04:28

We’re not very emotionally intimate and I don’t feel I can really talk to him a lot of the time

Sorry but how and why did you even marry him? You sound like strangers who don't love each other. Can I ask is it an arranged marriage?

Show quote history

No it’s not an arranged marriage but there was a bit of family pressure to get married to him once I found out I was pregnant.

OP posts:
NovemberMorn · 09/02/2025 15:19

bigkahunaburger · 09/02/2025 15:07

What witchery is this! And I want to know how to do it.

Show quote history

A vivid imagination must be essential.😃

Original poster
CrumbsInMyBra · 09/02/2025 15:21

MermaidEyes · 09/02/2025 10:14

You sound like you're just a bystander in this relationship. "My husband's tenant" "My husbands cousin" "My husband is trying to buy us a new house" No wonder you're struggling with sex and intimacy. Nothing seems equal to me, and that doesn't make for a good basis in any marriage.

Yes it does often feel like I joined him and got swallowed up in his life with no say about anything really.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrumbsInMyBra · 09/02/2025 15:25

Creameded · 09/02/2025 10:49

Why have you married and had a child with him in these living circumstances.

A dildo really is the least of your issues here.
Get back to work asap and get some independence back.

Yes I’ll be heading back to work soon. I told him that the last 3 months of my maternity leave would be unpaid and he hasn’t even asked me how money is going even though he earns over £5k a month.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrumbsInMyBra · 09/02/2025 15:28

TwistedWonder · 09/02/2025 11:56

Obviously the horse had well and truly bolted but why on earth did you procreate with and marry a man who is crap in best, has never made you cum and you all live in student style shared accommodation?

The sex isn’t terrible although I’ve never orgasmed with him. It’s still nice for bonding and connection. The current living situation is so awful but I don’t have any control over that. He said he’s buying us a home to move to so it’s only temporary.

OP posts:
Zusammengebrochen · 09/02/2025 15:31

SkyGrant · 08/02/2025 11:52

I would go ahead and use when you have free time or when you shower.

Many men masturbate without their partners knowledge, so I think that you should go ahead and find a safe place to keep it out of prying eyes!

This.
Do what you need to do.

PermanentTemporary · 09/02/2025 15:40

God. You sound very tolerant.

I spent 32 years and two marriages having sex without ever orgasming with a partner in any form, so I do get that but now in hindsight I'm afraid I see that my partners, though nice people, hadn't really understood my sexuality at all. Tbf neither had I.

I can happily say that I can now orgasm prettily easily with a partner who uses his fingers on me, provided he does what I tell him. But I need to be in the right head space, and it doesn't take much for me to snap out of it.

Would he ever spend an hour with you, your vibrator, his fingers or possibly his tongue and some lube just focusing on your pleasure while you fantasise? And if he wouldn't- why on earth not?

KorneliyaSky · 09/02/2025 15:50

Completely off OP's issue but @billycat321 please start an AMA!

Original poster
CrumbsInMyBra · 09/02/2025 15:53

PermanentTemporary · 09/02/2025 15:40

God. You sound very tolerant.

I spent 32 years and two marriages having sex without ever orgasming with a partner in any form, so I do get that but now in hindsight I'm afraid I see that my partners, though nice people, hadn't really understood my sexuality at all. Tbf neither had I.

I can happily say that I can now orgasm prettily easily with a partner who uses his fingers on me, provided he does what I tell him. But I need to be in the right head space, and it doesn't take much for me to snap out of it.

Would he ever spend an hour with you, your vibrator, his fingers or possibly his tongue and some lube just focusing on your pleasure while you fantasise? And if he wouldn't- why on earth not?

Yes I guess that’s what the problem is. I don’t think he really understands my sexuality and I feel very anxious to bring it up and open up about it. I’m sure he notices too that I don’t orgasm but maybe it’s hard for him to face it because then he may feel inadequate. I wouldn’t say the sex is bad but just in general in the relationship I feel quite unfulfilled and dismissed if I raise any issue.

I also wouldn’t want all the focus and lots of pressure to be on me to reach climax because that might make it more difficult for me too but it would be nice if we could just take some time to intimately explore one another.

OP posts:
MaggieBsBoat · 09/02/2025 15:57

My big red flag in your post is that you feel too vulnerable with your DH to talk to him about it and this isn’t fair on you. He should be the person you feel safest with in the whole world. He has bought toys for you to try and they haven’t worked so bring out yours. Bite the bullet, smile on your face, wink at him and suggest you try yours together. I was honest with my DH that I cannot just come and it takes work. He now puts in the work and we have the best time together. It’s funny and fun and has made each other even more loving with each other outside the bedroom. Do it!
ps you can secretly masturbate whenever you like. Your body! So can he!

PoppyBaxter · 09/02/2025 16:46

CrumbsInMyBra · 09/02/2025 15:16

No, no orgasms during sex with anyone else. My husband is my second sexual partner. The first guy I had sex with, I’d only had sex with him a couple of times and it wasn’t that great by memory tbh.

yes it’s a plug in wand. I try not to use it too often. I think I enjoy that it has a larger surface area whereas the smaller vibrators I feel give a more direct and focussed vibration sensation that’s not as enjoyable. I don’t really think it’s about the strength of the vibration because I don’t use it on a high setting anyway.

Show quote history

Sorry, not the point of the thread, but if you like a larger surface area, you can use any vibrator on its side.

jsku · 09/02/2025 16:53

@CrumbsInMyBra

I know the sort of Wand you are talking about. And even on the lowest setting it gives far more stimulation than the more regular vibrators. And certainly multitude times more
than any human interaction can generate - your own or any partner’s.
And it certainly desensitises you to orgasms from other types of stimulation.

I speak from experience. Yes - the larger area is great. And the way the vibration reaches so deep into all your senses is really nice. And its an easy and sure deep orgasm.

But - its unfortunate if you taught your brain that its the only way you can orgasm. It’ll make any sexual relationships you had or will have less fulfilling. Because no man can compete with the plug in wand.

It is the female Death Grip - look it up.

Men who have it are advised to stop vigorous masturbation and start with very gentle touch to re-program their brain/senses so that they can enjoy sex with women.
You have exactly the same issue.

Yes - what men do in the bedroom matter. And I don’t know if your H is pitting in enough effort.
But you also play a role - desensitising yourself to a touch by using the most powerful of vibrators available - is a choice that affects your sex life more than anything your H does or doesn't do at the moment.

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