Hiding to use my vibrator without husband knowledge

[CrumbsInMyBra]

I’m 29 married to my 40 year old husband. We’ve been married and living together a little over a year now but have been together 3.5 years. We also have a 9 month old.

I was just wondering if it’s a normal occurrence for one half of the couple to self-pleasure without the other half’s knowledge? I guess I’m asking because if my husband was ever to catch me in the act I’d be quite embarrassed. I’ve asked him and he says he doesn’t masturbate or watch porn because he’d rather have sex and tbh he is quite busy working all the time so I believe he doesn’t.

We’ve been having a lot of problems lately and our sex life isn’t the best at all. Our communication isn’t too great either so I struggle to open up to him and feel vulnerable with my husband. Our sex together is okay it’s just I’ve never had an orgasm having sex with him but orgasm pretty strongly when using my vibrator.

Recently I suggested to him that we introduce some sex toys and he went out and bought one and I bought one too. We tried both in the same night but neither of them worked for me and then when I snuck downstairs after with my own personal vibrator I got off immediately. My own personal vibrator is a big massaging wand so I’m a bit embarrassed to show it to him so it’s just hidden in the bedroom.

I’m asking because I feel quite unfulfilled in the marriage in general, quite lonely and then embarrassed that I have to sneak around just to have an orgasm. We don’t have much privacye in the bedroom with a young baby still in our room or much privacy in the house in general because his brother, his cousin and husband’s tenant and sometimes the gf also lives here. It’s only a temporary living situation though.

What witchery is this! And I want to know how to do it.

No, no orgasms during sex with anyone else. My husband is my second sexual partner. The first guy I had sex with, I’d only had sex with him a couple of times and it wasn’t that great by memory tbh.

yes it’s a plug in wand. I try not to use it too often. I think I enjoy that it has a larger surface area whereas the smaller vibrators I feel give a more direct and focussed vibration sensation that’s not as enjoyable. I don’t really think it’s about the strength of the vibration because I don’t use it on a high setting anyway.

No it’s not an arranged marriage but there was a bit of family pressure to get married to him once I found out I was pregnant.

A vivid imagination must be essential.😃

Yes it does often feel like I joined him and got swallowed up in his life with no say about anything really.

Yes I’ll be heading back to work soon. I told him that the last 3 months of my maternity leave would be unpaid and he hasn’t even asked me how money is going even though he earns over £5k a month.

The sex isn’t terrible although I’ve never orgasmed with him. It’s still nice for bonding and connection. The current living situation is so awful but I don’t have any control over that. He said he’s buying us a home to move to so it’s only temporary.

This.
Do what you need to do.

God. You sound very tolerant.

I spent 32 years and two marriages having sex without ever orgasming with a partner in any form, so I do get that but now in hindsight I'm afraid I see that my partners, though nice people, hadn't really understood my sexuality at all. Tbf neither had I.

I can happily say that I can now orgasm prettily easily with a partner who uses his fingers on me, provided he does what I tell him. But I need to be in the right head space, and it doesn't take much for me to snap out of it.

Would he ever spend an hour with you, your vibrator, his fingers or possibly his tongue and some lube just focusing on your pleasure while you fantasise? And if he wouldn't- why on earth not?

Completely off OP's issue but @billycat321 please start an AMA!

Yes I guess that’s what the problem is. I don’t think he really understands my sexuality and I feel very anxious to bring it up and open up about it. I’m sure he notices too that I don’t orgasm but maybe it’s hard for him to face it because then he may feel inadequate. I wouldn’t say the sex is bad but just in general in the relationship I feel quite unfulfilled and dismissed if I raise any issue.

I also wouldn’t want all the focus and lots of pressure to be on me to reach climax because that might make it more difficult for me too but it would be nice if we could just take some time to intimately explore one another.

My big red flag in your post is that you feel too vulnerable with your DH to talk to him about it and this isn’t fair on you. He should be the person you feel safest with in the whole world. He has bought toys for you to try and they haven’t worked so bring out yours. Bite the bullet, smile on your face, wink at him and suggest you try yours together. I was honest with my DH that I cannot just come and it takes work. He now puts in the work and we have the best time together. It’s funny and fun and has made each other even more loving with each other outside the bedroom. Do it!
ps you can secretly masturbate whenever you like. Your body! So can he!

Sorry, not the point of the thread, but if you like a larger surface area, you can use any vibrator on its side.

@CrumbsInMyBra

I know the sort of Wand you are talking about. And even on the lowest setting it gives far more stimulation than the more regular vibrators. And certainly multitude times more
than any human interaction can generate - your own or any partner’s.
And it certainly desensitises you to orgasms from other types of stimulation.

I speak from experience. Yes - the larger area is great. And the way the vibration reaches so deep into all your senses is really nice. And its an easy and sure deep orgasm.

But - its unfortunate if you taught your brain that its the only way you can orgasm. It’ll make any sexual relationships you had or will have less fulfilling. Because no man can compete with the plug in wand.

It is the female Death Grip - look it up.

Men who have it are advised to stop vigorous masturbation and start with very gentle touch to re-program their brain/senses so that they can enjoy sex with women.
You have exactly the same issue.

Yes - what men do in the bedroom matter. And I don’t know if your H is pitting in enough effort.
But you also play a role - desensitising yourself to a touch by using the most powerful of vibrators available - is a choice that affects your sex life more than anything your H does or doesn't do at the moment.

I been married 15 years never tell my husband when I do it alone

Let’s be honest: a lot of men are underwhelming in bed, and if you dare mention it, they immediately make it your problem. Instead of dealing with their fragile, overinflated egos, it’s usually just easier to handle things yourself in private.

Your husband has never given you an orgasm? Good lord. Give this guy an education, stat.

seems there are 2 very different issues here.

There is the vibrater issue and his attitude to you, women and sex in general.

l use a vibey more or less daily. It sets me up for the day. I couldn’t have 1:1 sex that often though. The needs and effort required are ever so different and, quite frankly, l wouldn’t have the energy.

My first one was a secret birthday present from my sister at 15 (i’m later 40s now). l’ve never hidden vibey use/ownership from anyone. Similarly, l’ve never felt the need to announce their use.

Moving on from the vibe issue, it seems there is both lack of communication and lack of passion here; to avoid years of unhappiness things need to change. True sharing of minds and bodies would be a start.

Yeh men are full of shit. My partner hid that he does it cos that what he did with his last partner. He thought he had to hide it. I don’t mind a jot and am interested - so now he knows that he tells me - and it’s all the bloody time! He comes three times a day - usually once with sex with me. His ex thought he never madrurbated. He is remarkably stealth - I’ve literally never caught him. I masturbate too. I’m not embarrassed but I don’t want to do it right there with him as it puts me off. But he can be in the other room listening (he finds that a turn on). When we were first together and I’d come during sex and then wanted to madturbate after to come again he would get sensitive about it - like be wasn’t good enough. I explained for me that that I can come and he’s done that, but I can get some more little
organsms out of it (that he’s 80 per cent got me to) so he has satisfied me. That made him feel better. Men!

id just be honest and tell him and make it super easy for him to be honest. If he knows you are doing it that means it’s easier for him to come clean.

Why are you embarrassed to show him the sex you you have that actually works?

Before I start, I'm male so feel free to tell me to piss off if you'd prefer I didn't post on your thread, I'm never sure if it would be appreciated on threads like this!

I just wanted to comment because up until a few years ago, DP had never had an orgasm in her life, either with a partner or by herself. We tried pretty much everything over the years, but in the end it took peri-menopause to unlock whatever had been stopping her up until then.

Had she come to me at any point during that time and told me that she'd found something that did the job, then I'd have been ecstatic and looking to incorporate it at every opportunity. I think most men would be the same. After all, anything that makes sex more enjoyable for DP, can only be a good thing for me as well.

So I'd really recommend telling him. If you don't want to say you've had the wand for ages, then just say you saw a recommendation on here that they're good for people who struggle to orgasm, so you thought you'd give it a go.

And I realise I've not answered your original question, so no, neither me or DP tend to mention to each other that we've masturbated. It's not that we're hiding it, its just that it's a normal bodily function and not something we need to share particularly. I don't tell her everytime I need a wee, so why would I tell her everytime I need an orgasm? As long as it's not impinging on our sex lives, then it's not something she needs to know, and vice versa.