Hiding to use my vibrator without husband knowledge

[CrumbsInMyBra]

I’m 29 married to my 40 year old husband. We’ve been married and living together a little over a year now but have been together 3.5 years. We also have a 9 month old.

I was just wondering if it’s a normal occurrence for one half of the couple to self-pleasure without the other half’s knowledge? I guess I’m asking because if my husband was ever to catch me in the act I’d be quite embarrassed. I’ve asked him and he says he doesn’t masturbate or watch porn because he’d rather have sex and tbh he is quite busy working all the time so I believe he doesn’t.

We’ve been having a lot of problems lately and our sex life isn’t the best at all. Our communication isn’t too great either so I struggle to open up to him and feel vulnerable with my husband. Our sex together is okay it’s just I’ve never had an orgasm having sex with him but orgasm pretty strongly when using my vibrator.

Recently I suggested to him that we introduce some sex toys and he went out and bought one and I bought one too. We tried both in the same night but neither of them worked for me and then when I snuck downstairs after with my own personal vibrator I got off immediately. My own personal vibrator is a big massaging wand so I’m a bit embarrassed to show it to him so it’s just hidden in the bedroom.

I’m asking because I feel quite unfulfilled in the marriage in general, quite lonely and then embarrassed that I have to sneak around just to have an orgasm. We don’t have much privacye in the bedroom with a young baby still in our room or much privacy in the house in general because his brother, his cousin and husband’s tenant and sometimes the gf also lives here. It’s only a temporary living situation though.

I would go ahead and use when you have free time or when you shower.

Many men masturbate without their partners knowledge, so I think that you should go ahead and find a safe place to keep it out of prying eyes!

If he's willing to introduce toys into the bedroom then why not tell him? He sounds like he's willing to do as you ask to make you happy. Also your son is 9 months old, very normal not to have a sex drive with your baby that young.

I was embarrassed to let my husband know I masterbated sometimes (mainly because I had a bad experience with my POS ex getting mad at me for it) and he did not care, he actually got excited and happy about it lol I'm not a toy person, I'd much rather have the real thing. I also used to Paragraph RP online (basically you write out stories for characters and interact with other people)and one time I accidentally sent him post and it was very spicy..I was terrified he was going to be pissed. Didn't bother him at all lol

I would just tell him, Or If you feel more comfortable, just say you just bought it,tried it and liked it and would like to give it a shot in the bedroom.

Crikey life is too short to have crap sex. Introduce the toy that works for you.

It should be "ladies first" in bed. Get him putting some work in.

It's normal to not want the OH to know. And also equally normal to want to DIY, rather than sex with partner every time. I have secretly done so in the past, and I know my DH has too (as I caught him😄). We have a very good sex life, in that we both end up satisfied (it just isn't as often as we'd like as we have a toddler!).

Certainly normal not to be that interested in sex when it's unsatisfactory.

You're using sex toys with the brother, the cousin and husband’s tenant and sometimes the gf there? Surely they can all hear you?

Mine are nice and quiet!

If you want to pleasure yourself without him knowing, go ahead.
It's your body and your choice, personally I don't tell my husband everything either.
Neither do I care if that's normal or not....it's right for me, and sounds like it's right for you too.

if they vibrate, they will be heard.

living with various housemates for 5 years, trust me I've heard them all

What you do with your body is nobody's business but your own. Do you have to ask your husband's permission to wipe your bum or fart? to scratch your head? You don't have to share everything with someone just because you're married to them. You are allowed to have a personal life of your own which is nothing to do with him or anybody else.

I have no sex with DH (his issues) so toys are all I’ve had for years. He knows I have them, knows I use them but we never talk about it. A couple are quite loud, he has probably heard despite my best attempts to be quiet. He claims he has no interest in masturbation either, but I know he used to. I mean no one needs to be in the bathroom that long…

Sure, and you probably also know it's a normal part of life, they are unlikely to actually want you to hear, and the most decent and grown-up thing to do about it is to ignore it.

I think sorting the living situation out may help with some of the other problems in your relationship.
It can't be good living with so many people and a 9 month old

I promise you mine don't. We did lots of checks as we live in a house with three teenagers! I never use the noisy ones unless everyone is out.

Your husband sounds like he doesn't care that much about your pleasure.
Why have you not orgasmed with him? If you can on your own, you can with him. So you either can't get into the right headspace with him and/or he's not making the effort to do what feels good for you.
I think you need a conversation about how dissatisfied you are with your sex life and see if he's bothered. That may help you decide what to do next. Can you live with crap sex for the rest of your life?

It sounds like you DH doesn't actually care if you finish or not

And living with all those people? Fuck THAT for a game of soldiers

Sex toys and masturbation are the least of your concerns

@Moonlightstars - if it’s not too personal - any recommendations for something quiet ?😳

I would have generally assumed everyone masturbates, and everyone does it without their partner's knowledge, apart from the occassions where it's part of sex.

I have never known of any of my partners masturbating and I assume they have all done it regularly. I've also never been caught by any of mine over the years, have done it regularly and not felt the need to seek permission.

I don't see why you can't show him that one when you've already tried other sex toys.

I do recall reading somewhere that stimulating the clitoris regularly with a powerful sex toy can desensitise you when you are being stimulated manually by either yourself or your partner.

@Cranberryjaffacakes - satisfyer!

I have no idea when, or how often, my partner does (or previous partners either tbh) 🤷🏻‍♀️ so, based on what I know, I'd say he never does but I don't think for a second that is actually the case 😉

So I think it's pretty usual, yes.

You can't talk to your literal husband about sex? You let this man inside you but you can't show him your vibrator? Surely he has noticed you're not orgasming during sex, what has he said about it?

I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping it completely private. Yes, you can explore things with your DH, but alone time is important too.

Also, using it with your DH might mean you're trying too hard to finish, which can be counterproductive. I'd recommend trying it just to mess around, rather than concentrating too hard on finishing. If it happens, see it as a bonus. That could take the pressure off.

This.