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Original poster

Hiding to use my vibrator without husband knowledge

64 replies

CrumbsInMyBra · 08/02/2025 11:14

I’m 29 married to my 40 year old husband. We’ve been married and living together a little over a year now but have been together 3.5 years. We also have a 9 month old.

I was just wondering if it’s a normal occurrence for one half of the couple to self-pleasure without the other half’s knowledge? I guess I’m asking because if my husband was ever to catch me in the act I’d be quite embarrassed. I’ve asked him and he says he doesn’t masturbate or watch porn because he’d rather have sex and tbh he is quite busy working all the time so I believe he doesn’t.

We’ve been having a lot of problems lately and our sex life isn’t the best at all. Our communication isn’t too great either so I struggle to open up to him and feel vulnerable with my husband. Our sex together is okay it’s just I’ve never had an orgasm having sex with him but orgasm pretty strongly when using my vibrator.

Recently I suggested to him that we introduce some sex toys and he went out and bought one and I bought one too. We tried both in the same night but neither of them worked for me and then when I snuck downstairs after with my own personal vibrator I got off immediately. My own personal vibrator is a big massaging wand so I’m a bit embarrassed to show it to him so it’s just hidden in the bedroom.

I’m asking because I feel quite unfulfilled in the marriage in general, quite lonely and then embarrassed that I have to sneak around just to have an orgasm. We don’t have much privacye in the bedroom with a young baby still in our room or much privacy in the house in general because his brother, his cousin and husband’s tenant and sometimes the gf also lives here. It’s only a temporary living situation though.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrumbsInMyBra · 08/02/2025 23:58

PoppyBaxter · 08/02/2025 16:33

Your husband sounds like he doesn't care that much about your pleasure.
Why have you not orgasmed with him? If you can on your own, you can with him. So you either can't get into the right headspace with him and/or he's not making the effort to do what feels good for you.
I think you need a conversation about how dissatisfied you are with your sex life and see if he's bothered. That may help you decide what to do next. Can you live with crap sex for the rest of your life?

Yeah that’s a big part of the problem that I can’t really get into the headspace I guess. We’re not very emotionally intimate and I don’t feel I can really talk to him a lot of the time so it’s a bit difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrumbsInMyBra · 09/02/2025 00:04

JudgeBread · 08/02/2025 17:33

You can't talk to your literal husband about sex? You let this man inside you but you can't show him your vibrator? Surely he has noticed you're not orgasming during sex, what has he said about it?

I don’t fake it at all but we never really talk about sex very much I guess unless it’s my husband complaining about me not initiating, but I’ve started doing that more often now. I found a desensitising spray for men that he must have been using and I remember thinking it was strange that my mouth was so tingly and numb after sex once and I told him. He had obviously used the spray but just didn’t say anything to me and it was only later that I found it and figured it out for myself.

OP posts:
babyproblems · 09/02/2025 00:09

I’m shocked you’ve had two kids with someone who can’t make you orgasm! Or that’s what it read like to me. He sounds dire in bed- he needs to be doing more to make it better. Good luck!

Original poster
CrumbsInMyBra · 09/02/2025 00:10

Starlight7080 · 08/02/2025 16:19

I think sorting the living situation out may help with some of the other problems in your relationship.
It can't be good living with so many people and a 9 month old

Yes it has been really difficult and caused a lot of fights. when his cousin was coming to stay with us because he was starting university, I had asked my husband if he could ask his tenant to kindly move along so we could have more privacy and be more of a family house but my husband said no because he is trying to buy us a new family home and will be letting out all the rooms for rent in this current house. He thinks I should just put up with the current living situation as it is only temporary.

We ended up having a big fight today because his tenant left a duvet in our dirty laundry cupboard which I thought was inappropriate but obviously not for my husband.

OP posts:
babyproblems · 09/02/2025 00:10

Also what the hell is a desensitising spray and what was he doing spraying it in his mouth??!!

Original poster
CrumbsInMyBra · 09/02/2025 00:15

babyproblems · 09/02/2025 00:09

I’m shocked you’ve had two kids with someone who can’t make you orgasm! Or that’s what it read like to me. He sounds dire in bed- he needs to be doing more to make it better. Good luck!

I only have one child with him, a 9 month old. I think the sex is not terrible. He can last a short while for first round and then ready to go again for second round immediately. For first year and half of our relationship he never went down on me even though I always did for him but now he does initiate more going down on me. The sex I think is good, it keeps us connected I’ve just never had an orgasm.

desensitising spray is something men can spray on their penis before sex to help them last longer. He obviously did that once before we had sex and without my knowledge. So when I gave him oral my mouth became tingly and numb and I mentioned it to him because I genuinely didn’t know why it felt like that but he never said anything to me that he had used the spray so we’re not very open in our communication about sex really.

OP posts:
billycat321 · 09/02/2025 00:34

Never used a vibrator. I can bring myself to orgasm by remaining absolutely motionless using the power of thought alone. I can do this after years of practice as the great lump lay farting and snoring beside me. I can make my orgasm last as long as I want- hours if I wish. As they say, if you want anything doing properly, do it yourself!

jsku · 09/02/2025 01:41

@CrumbsInMyBra

I think there are a few issues there. One is the lack of privacy, that obviously make it harder for you to relax.

But there is also a second issue, potentially. You don’t mention if you had orgasms with penetrative sex with other men. (Or even if you had sex before your H).

And you also say your vibrator is a large massage wand. I think I know the type you are talking about - and they have a really powerful vibration - the kind that stimulate your body in a very different way than any other sexual encounters.
So - the fact that you didn’t manage to orgasm with different toys (guessing the more regular vibrators, that dont vibrate quite as strong) - may mean that you sensitised your body to only orgasm with a particular stimulation - that only the Wand can provide.
It is the female version of death grip.

Women often have hard time orgasming. And not everyone orgasms with penetration only.

In your place - i’d try to experiment with different toys on my own, or even with just hands - to try to re-program your body to orgasm with different types of stimulation.
So that you may eventually get to enjoy sex with a partner as well.

Or - just bute the bullet and get him to usw the Wand on you.

WillIEverBeOk · 09/02/2025 04:28

CrumbsInMyBra · 08/02/2025 23:58

Yeah that’s a big part of the problem that I can’t really get into the headspace I guess. We’re not very emotionally intimate and I don’t feel I can really talk to him a lot of the time so it’s a bit difficult.

Show quote history

We’re not very emotionally intimate and I don’t feel I can really talk to him a lot of the time

Sorry but how and why did you even marry him? You sound like strangers who don't love each other. Can I ask is it an arranged marriage?

ThatUniqueKoala · 09/02/2025 04:50

Just use the one you know works with you DH, tell him you got it on sale if you don't want him to know you already had it.

PrivateNelly · 09/02/2025 07:06

I’m in the same boat! I don’t think there is anything wrong with looking after your own needs. I tried to tell DH a few times what I like or what he was doing wasn’t working (gently I wasn’t barking orders). It didn’t matter how I put it, it went down like a lead balloon.

For me, a vibrator privately is when I can enjoy a good time and not worry about anyone else.

Writing this, it sounds like there is something wrong in the marriage but sex is such a little part of it for me. I’ve never lusted after anyone anyway, never felt a spark, no mutual lust/attraction. I think this is just for books and movies.

Orangesinthebag · 09/02/2025 07:35

Many women don't reach orgasm through penetrative sex alone.
There's nothing wrong with using toys together in the bedroom and your DH helping you to climax that way.
As he gets older (I note he's a few years older than you) he may well find sex changes for him & he will need help too.

Being intimate together isn't just about penetrative sex and orgasms. I think you need to spend time maybe not having full sex but just being intimate, exploring each other & taking the worry of it being "perfect" off the table.
Be honest with him about what you like and want. There are no rules, it's different for everyone & for every couple.

PhyllisWallet · 09/02/2025 07:40

Well you don’t need to hide it. You’ve already had that conversation to break the ice so just tell him that after the ones you bought didn’t work you found something else you thought you would try and it was much better. Tell him he might enjoy using it too. Embarrassment over surely?

category12 · 09/02/2025 07:48

I’ve never lusted after anyone anyway, never felt a spark, no mutual lust/attraction. I think this is just for books and movies.

It's really not. This is your experience (and bo doubt some other women's), but other women feel lust/attraction. I had a kind of "lightning bolt" of attraction for my ex. (It's just a chemical reaction I guess, as you'll note the ex 😂).

Maybe it's not something everyone experiences but it's not fictional.

RatedDoingMagic · 09/02/2025 07:58

It's not at all unusual for a woman to be unable to orgasm from PIV sex - each body is different and the distance between clit and vag is different in each body. If the distance is to great then no amount of thrustinging is going to trigger an orgasm.

Sexist phallocentric male ideas of what sex should be define any attention paid to your clit as "foreplay" and not the "real" act of sex. Both you and he need to get rid of that notion. Sex is whatever you do together to achieve orgasm for both of you. Using a tool for that is perfectly ok but if you can't relax enough with him in the room, or if he isn't interested in learning how your body responds and enjoys a myriad of sensations but just regards this as a distracting chore to get through before the All Important Dick gets involved then you have much bigger issues and it might be that you can't have a sexual relationship with each other.

JudgeBread · 09/02/2025 08:02

CrumbsInMyBra · 09/02/2025 00:04

I don’t fake it at all but we never really talk about sex very much I guess unless it’s my husband complaining about me not initiating, but I’ve started doing that more often now. I found a desensitising spray for men that he must have been using and I remember thinking it was strange that my mouth was so tingly and numb after sex once and I told him. He had obviously used the spray but just didn’t say anything to me and it was only later that I found it and figured it out for myself.

Show quote history

This is ridiculous mate, I'd expect this sort of crap from an 18 year old brand new to shagging, not a 40 year old man and his wife. You need to bridge the gap and have a conversation about it, a proper one, like grown ups!

MermaidEyes · 09/02/2025 10:14

You sound like you're just a bystander in this relationship. "My husband's tenant" "My husbands cousin" "My husband is trying to buy us a new house" No wonder you're struggling with sex and intimacy. Nothing seems equal to me, and that doesn't make for a good basis in any marriage.

Christl78 · 09/02/2025 10:30

I think that you have way more problems in your marriage other than worrying about the sex toy. It’s the least of your issues…

Creameded · 09/02/2025 10:49

Why have you married and had a child with him in these living circumstances.

A dildo really is the least of your issues here.
Get back to work asap and get some independence back.

AgentJohnson · 09/02/2025 10:57

I think that you have way more problems in your marriage other than worrying about the sex toy. It’s the least of your issues…

This

Why do you think you need his permission to use your vibrator?

How well did you know this man before marrying, moving in together and having a child? The last year sounds like a bit of a whirlwind.

ItGhoul · 09/02/2025 11:23

First, it’s normal to masturbate in private when you’re in a relationship.

Second, you don’t need to be embarrassed about your vibrator during sex just because it’s ’a big wand’. Firstly, I doubt your partner will care what kind of vibrator it is, if it gets you off. Most men like watching women enjoying themselves, frankly, and are unlikely to give a shit what their vibrator looks like.

Third, loads of women (maybe even most?!) don’t come through penetrative sex, regardless of how long it lasts, so I wouldn’t focus on how long he lasts etc.

One more thing I would consider is whether it was the type of vibrator that didn’t work for you when you tried one with your partner, or whether you maybe just struggle to relax and let go when you feel self-conscious or under pressure.

ItGhoul · 09/02/2025 11:29

category12 · 09/02/2025 07:48

I’ve never lusted after anyone anyway, never felt a spark, no mutual lust/attraction. I think this is just for books and movies.

It's really not. This is your experience (and bo doubt some other women's), but other women feel lust/attraction. I had a kind of "lightning bolt" of attraction for my ex. (It's just a chemical reaction I guess, as you'll note the ex 😂).

Maybe it's not something everyone experiences but it's not fictional.

Agreed. Feeling lust/attraction is absolutely normal. I’m sure there are people who don’t experience it and that’s fine. But most people do feel it and it’s certainly not ‘just for books and movies’.

TwistedWonder · 09/02/2025 11:56

Obviously the horse had well and truly bolted but why on earth did you procreate with and marry a man who is crap in best, has never made you cum and you all live in student style shared accommodation?

Branleuse · 09/02/2025 12:31

heyhopotato · 08/02/2025 16:06

if they vibrate, they will be heard.

living with various housemates for 5 years, trust me I've heard them all

Show quote history

Most people wouldn't even register it.
A buzzing noise could be a lot of things tbh and even the radio on and being under the covers would be enough to muffle anything if you were unlucky enough to be in a house with people who wanted to catch you out or judge you.
No need to try and make people paranoid.

NovemberMorn · 09/02/2025 12:49

billycat321 · 09/02/2025 00:34

Never used a vibrator. I can bring myself to orgasm by remaining absolutely motionless using the power of thought alone. I can do this after years of practice as the great lump lay farting and snoring beside me. I can make my orgasm last as long as I want- hours if I wish. As they say, if you want anything doing properly, do it yourself!

Blimey, can you bottle it, you would make a fortune.