Feel like ending my marriage

[WhaatNext]

Has anyone left their marriage after over 30 years together?

We have grown apart completely and the strain of living in the same house is unbearable. The way my husband treats me is very controlling and I long to live my own life and be free. I feel I need to do the right thing for my own happiness before it is too late to start again on my own. I am 62 and he is 68 and we have been married for 35 years. We have two children who are grown up. Our financial situation is that we have always had a joint account into which we have both paid our salaries. I didn't work whilst our children were babies but other than that I have worked either part-time or full-time. My husband is retired was always the high earner and receives a generous private workplace pension in addition to the state pension. At this point in time I am no longer working since he convinced me to give up my job. We own our house, my husband has a small amount of savings in an ISA and I have a large ISA mostly saved from an inheritance which I invest to provide an income of approximately £20,000 per year.

Would we divide the property, savings and pension in half, and both of us be entitled to half of everything?

Should I stay or should I go? If I leave I will be losing half of everything but if we both have enough financially then is it better to be happy?

Can anyone who's been in this situation give me any advice?

I would seek legal advice regarding all aspects of divorce as soon as possible.

Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour and the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Your relationship to him is over because of the abuse he meets out.

Be brave, get support from your adult children (they know all too well what’s he’s like towards you) and break free before you also potentially become his carer.

Go and enjoy your life! Don’t put up with his controlling ways. See a solicitor and make them fight for your fair share.

I left after 27 years. I never worked once I got pregnant. I filed for divorce and we both had to declare our personal finances. He had to give me money to make things fair. I am getting more than 50% of the house but he has more shares. I also got 75% of his pension and he gets the other 25% and all of another one. Sounds bad for me re shares and pension but it's not. I've got guaranteed money.

See a solicitor. 100% leave. This is no life.

I sometimes feel a bit sad but have never once regretted leaving him. Only regret is marrying him. Dating him even.

How do you want to spend your retirement? Do you want to spend it being bullied by him?

If you suffer ill-health as you get older, do you think he'll look after you kindly?
If he suffers ill-health, will you want to spend your time caring for him?

I think I'd choose a peaceful life on my own, doing what I wanted, over sticking it out.

Now our DC are adult, i split from long term partner of 25 years. Still working through it all, but no regrets. One precious life and all that - there was suddenly a whole bunch of things I was no longer willing to compromise on.

I've made an appointment for a free half hour appointment with a solicitor next week. Feels a big step for me.

Its never too late for a fresh start. Family members did similar and never looked back x

Go - be free. Live the life you want/deserve. Many women stay in miserable marriages because of lack of finances. You should be fine.
I wish you a control free happy life.

Has anyone left their marriage after over 30 years together?
42 years here, and I'm leaving.

After discussion with solicitors we have agreed I keep most of the house equity and he keeps most of his pension. There's nothing else left to divide as he spends money as soon as it hits the bank account, which is actually one of the big reasons I'm leaving. I don't feel financially secure and haven't for our entire marriage and I don't want another twenty years of that fear.

Gather all your information and GP and see a solicitor. The pension is potentially a problem as he's already drawn it. Your inheritance may be protected. You need proper advice.

Think of all you will lose if you stay with him...the chance of true contentment, time to call your own and the rest of your life doing entirely as you please.
I left my husband after 25 years and he has never forgiven me and still seeks every opportunity to spew his vitriol at me if ever our paths cross at family occasions. It was tough at first, but now I either find it either boring or amusing.
I've struggled a little financially, have always worked and will have to until I'm 67, but I love my life!
I think I enjoyed my new found freedom so much, I never looked for another relationship afterwards and have been gloriously on my own ever since.
I do what I want when I want and eat what I want and read what I want etc. It's wonderful, I also have so much more free time, I never realised how much time was spent on all the little things trying to make him happy.
My daughter made a speech at her wedding saying how proud of the strong capable woman her Mum was.
That first important step for me was the free half hour with the solicitor and then I took a deep breath and did it.
Believe in yourself and don't waiver from your path especially if/when he becomes nasty.
One day in the future, not too far away, you will be sitting by yourself one day and have that wonderfully single thought, "I'm actually happy!"
Please do it for yourself and make the absolute best of the life you have left.
The very best of luck!

break free before you also potentially become his carer.

This!!

You have one life. Roughly 2/3 if it is over. What do you want the rest to look like?

I could have written your post.

Please leave, I can't at the moment as husband has a serious illness. He has become even more abusive.

Im not 100% sure but if there is abuse I think you qualify for legal aid?

Good luck x

I need some advice I have been in a relationship for 23 years I’m 39 years old

we have 2 teenagers together alls we do is argue for years he has called me horrible names pushed and shoved me slapping me .when I go anywhere bear in mind I go to work then home or the shops I don’t go out if I do leave the house it’s who u going with where u going he will ring me constantly until I’m home

I have told him I don’t love him and want the relationship to end but he won’t listen I’m scared to get the police involved cos he says he smash my house up it my house alls he says it I love I’m not leaving but if he loved me I would not be feeling like this I want to be happy but I can’t with him

he will pick arguments use the kids or the dog to get to me I feel like I can’t cope here no more

any advice would be good

@TheFunSwan Please contact Women's Aid for advice and support. They will advise you on steps to take to escape him and get him out of your house. Wish you the best.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

edited to tag TheFunSwan

@TheFunSwan you might want to start your own thread in Relationships as the advice might be different from that given to the OP as you are at a different stage in life.
Best of luck

Theres been an avalanche of older ladies leaving their husbands/ long term partners. I truly wish each and every one of them all the love and strength in breaking free x

I could have done the same post !
I'm 60 , he is 62 not retired yet though.
He is very grumpy, hard to live with and has narcissistic tendencies.
We nearly split 4 years ago but he managed to persuade me to stay.
I am now at the same point thinking how do I want the next 20 years to go and it definitely not with him dragging me down .
I have a plan to get legal advice in the next week or 2 to find out my position ( I will feel stronger with that backing me up )
Then I need to tell him which I find terrifying as he gets pretty heated when we row ( normally this is 1 sided rant on his part as I get told I have to listen and not speak)
Any tips on how to approach this part of the process ?
Ladies we got this ! And @WhaatNext good luck next week - let us know how it goes.

@mumof3dogs Get legal advice, get your ducks in a row (that lovely MN phrase), make your final decision and then have a meeting and tell your partner clearly and unambiguously that you are ending the relationship as it's no longer working for you. No need to have a row, no apologies, no asking for permission, just a clear unambiguous statement of what you will be doing. Find your anger about what you have allowed yourself to put up with - but don't waste it on rowing - use it instead to give yourself a razor clear focus about how you want to live the rest of your life and what you will now be doing to move forward.

Good luck to you! Set your goal and you can do anything x

I am starting to plant the seeds for a separation for same reasons. Almost 25 years married here, but I am mid forties and don't want the next 20-30 or however much longer I have left, to be spent with this misery guts who doesn't make me feel financially secure.

We have talked about it and agreed in principle to a 50/50 split on pensions. We have no other assets (because he cocked up our finances several times without my consent/knowledge and we lost everything)

We are going to wait until Christmas before he moves out so that we can clear the last bit of debt but then I want him out. I am mentally separated and the wedding ring is off. He knows it too, (although he is choosing to keep wearing his ring).

@Mumof3dogs are you married to my H - ?? Identical position - I do actually care about him but I don't like living with him anymore- ( 30 years) the other night I looked at my phone in bed and he said - for christs sake put your phone down I'm tired -- this is a guy who wakes me every single morning by the fact he's sat up looking at his phone and the light shining wakes me up - non stop ranting on car journeys about other drivers, the list is endless - can be fun and kind too but honestly the incessant moods and lack of compromise has worn me out

@Mumof3dogs you know what annoys me though - some glam younger woman will think he's an amazing catch whilst he shows his best side - not bad looking, dresses well, sexy job , witty . He isn't going to be showing the big secretive porn addiction , the ranting, the lack of compromise and the fact he likes a champagne lifestyle on less than champagne money and hence why we have little concrete to show for our 30 years - !! ( although we do have a business that earns quite well£

I have free half hour on the phone with solicitors next week. I will discuss splitting the pension which DH currently draws. This is substantial and if split equally we will both have a good income. DH will also have state pension. With the house and savings I am concerned that we will both not have much choice property wise and feel guilty about that. What else do I need to do? I feel the urge to declutter and sort the house out and prepare how to tell him I am done. I'm 70% sure I can do this. Will see how it goes next week...