Feel like ending my marriage

[WhaatNext]

Has anyone left their marriage after over 30 years together?

We have grown apart completely and the strain of living in the same house is unbearable. The way my husband treats me is very controlling and I long to live my own life and be free. I feel I need to do the right thing for my own happiness before it is too late to start again on my own. I am 62 and he is 68 and we have been married for 35 years. We have two children who are grown up. Our financial situation is that we have always had a joint account into which we have both paid our salaries. I didn't work whilst our children were babies but other than that I have worked either part-time or full-time. My husband is retired was always the high earner and receives a generous private workplace pension in addition to the state pension. At this point in time I am no longer working since he convinced me to give up my job. We own our house, my husband has a small amount of savings in an ISA and I have a large ISA mostly saved from an inheritance which I invest to provide an income of approximately £20,000 per year.

Would we divide the property, savings and pension in half, and both of us be entitled to half of everything?

Should I stay or should I go? If I leave I will be losing half of everything but if we both have enough financially then is it better to be happy?

Can anyone who's been in this situation give me any advice?

Any tips on how to approach this part of the process ?

I sat next to stbx and said "I really don't want to argue about this but I have something to say... I'm unhappy, and I know you are unhappy too. I think it's time we split so we can both be happy again. We can talk tomorrow about the practicalities to give you a chance to think" and then I walked out the room and started on dinner. Next day I asked if he had any questions, he said no, so I said great, we can apply online right now... and off I went to the laptop

Op this was me 30 years married had nothing in common, once the children left home I became the house keeper, hardly any conversation, sat in different rooms, didn't argue as didn't really talk, but sat down put cards on the table he too agreed he felt the same, I moved into a friend's house while looking for my own, haven't looked back, I felt lost and lonely with him but when I left honestly it was a relief just me to think about, joined some social groups, life's short to be lonely, my only advice would be , keep it amicable so you can still have conversations re children, we did our divorce on gov.uk site, really easy as we both agreed, adult children can be very opinionated and may take sides, am 14 yrs on other side and honestly have great relationship with both children and xh as when GC come along we have to gather for such times and it helps when your amicable, good luck, op,

At the end of the day, it's just stuff, but if there is anything very dear to you, I would safeguard it now whilst you have chance.
The ideal split would be if both parties agree and try and be as kind as possible, but in reality this will probably hurt his pride irreparably and even if he might (hopefully,) appear to start things off amicably, expect the worst.
Decluttering is a good start and you will need to do some strong headwork when it comes to sentimentality especially when it comes to photos and memories, but just remind yourself that hopes & dreams of the past are not the actual reality of your present situation or what your future would be.
We always hope things won't always be like this and that things will get better, but they won't unless you actually do something about it.
You've got this 🤗

Christmas is a verrrry long way away. Can’t you just split the debt and crack on with paying your portion of it while enjoying life on your terms?

@Beebsta you are right... we also have kids going through exams etc. I originally asked for him to move out in the summer, and so now have asked for a review in the summer to see where we are at.

In the meantime, it is ok, we are friends, but I am counting down until he moves out...

The same, lost and lonely with him. Will try to keep it amicable. Will look at gov.uk site, thanks.

Good luck and let us know how you get on x

Tell him you’re going to the shops for a pint of milk. Leave him a letter on the kitchen table saying what a wonderful 35 years it’s been, but now it over ! Then go and stay with family member/friend. He will phone you (from afar) and you can take it from there. My friend couldn’t bear telling her ex face to face, for fear of what he might do.

My friend did this and her other half agreed, so they started divorce proceedings. The key is you need somewhere to go. Otherwise you could be staying in the same house as each other whilst trying to sell it, and that’s not pleasant. ( I’ve heard from other friends)

The solicitor will want you to fill in a form E something, I forget, anyway it’s an in-depth form of everything you and your husband own financially, my Ex and I decided it was too complicated, so didn’t do it, and we just did an amicable split.

It's a Form E, it's not that difficult and the solicitor or their assistant will help you.

Back to the thread ..
@AwaitingFreedom and @Olive567 thank you for your ideas for "the conversation "
I think I will write myself a script and read it out loud and then walk away for a while to let him digest the information.
@Crikeyalmighty sounds like our DH's are clones - why are they all so similar? Do they all turn into victor meldrew as the years advance??

@WhaatNext how did your call with the lawyer go ?
You inspired me to be brave and I have contacted some firms and spoke with someone today who was lovely, supportive and helpful. Made me feel empowered that I've got this and everything will be ok . And I managed the whole chat without crying .
Unfortunately I'm not in the position to be able to walk out and live elsewhere while we sort everything out, but also I won't be forced to go out and work full time to pay 1/2 the bills either which was worrying me .
Now to decide - do I tell him on Valentines?..

@Mumof3dogs well done you! I too managed the chat without crying but felt very sad. The lawyer was very understanding. In view of the length of our marriage she believes everything will be split equally. As the pension is being drawn it is more complicated and a pension sharing order will be needed. It is possible I may not be able to withdraw from my pension for a few years. I feel I have taken a huge step forward. Thank you for your support x

@WhaatNext @Mumof3dogs sounds awful but I almost wish they would do something really shit so there's more of an actual 'defined ' reason to end it - rather than 'I don't want to be around you all the time anymore or have sex or listen to your incessant moaning' -

@WhaatNext
Yeah we did well!
My DH hasn't started to take his pension yet so it should be easier , though it was suggested to me that we split house and other assets , buy new smaller house, work until retirement age and then draw 50 % of the pension and live comfortably.
I'm wondering though if this is the best option vs using part of the pension pot as part of lump sum settlement.

@Crikeyalmighty
I know what you mean and I spent a long time searching for a "suitable " reason.
The defining moment for me was discussing with my counselor about not being interested in having sex with DH - was it just him I wasn't interested in or was it sex totally?
And I couldn't say I never wanted sex again ..,
That was my defining moment telling me "we " are done .. and the ick gets worse ..

It all comes down to which "struggle" you would rather spend your retirement in.

A - the struggle of living with a controlling partner where you have no control

Or

B - the (potential) struggle of having less money, smaller house etc but being in control of your life for the first time in 30 years.

I know what I'd prefer, but you may make a different choice.

I'm in a very similar situation. I have been trying to leave my husband for way too long but it's so hard to do. However, life is too short and we have the right to be happy in what time we have left. I'm 58 now and I've been with my husband for 30 years. I don't know if we ever grew together but we've certainly grown apart. I suffered verbal abuse almost from day one which I put up with to this day. It's not as often as it used to be but it comes when I least expect it. Then there were the times he didn't come home on nights out with the lads and so on. The only things he wants out of marriage is to come home from work, drink beer, eat, watch tv and sleep. Then do it all again. But he has pretty much always been like this.

We didn't date when we met, I was a single mum so going out wasn't an option. He literally came down for a weekend and never went back. He forced his way into my home and that was that. In the years that followed, he got into so much debt, it lost me my home, now we private rent. The list goes on, but I was scared of being on my own again and put up with it.

Over the years our sex life has disappeared, it was never great to begin with but he then began rejecting me. We haven't made love for about 10 years. It's been an emotional roller coaster. I am now at the point where I'm almost 60 and don't want to continue this charade. However the longer I've put off the inevitable the harder it's become. I have no assets, no money aside. I have nothing.

All this aside we have to be brave and take the leap back into the big wide world. We are women we are strong we can do this. It's just a matter of when.

I've name changed for this thread.

So sad to find I'm in the same camp as others here, desperate to figure whether it's better to stay or go. Spend most of my time in a seperate room to my married partner of over 30 years, can't bear their increasingly grating opinions and feel like I don't exist in their life unless it's to iron something for them!

My sadness compounded by a recent event which came and went with no special effort made - I'm not surprised.

Currently spending my time decluttering and sorting paperwork and praying for a big lottery win at the moment.

@YourNextDoorNeighbor I can sympathize with the pain of lack of effort for special events.
My 60th birthday was September last year and I planned a party to make sure I got the celebration I wanted and despite many cards and gifts from friends, my DH didn't buy me a gift or a card
He thought the party was enough and the flowers he sent on the day- these were internet flowers sent with a tiny card and chocolates( 3 Lindt balls) . When asked by friends he told them this was my gift ..
A birthday card which he could have bought the previous weekend and written and left for me to open on the day would at least have shown some thought and effort..

Another one here. Slightly different circumstances but yes, a long time married and working my way out. The decluttering process has begun and it feels a good way to begin. This thread has been really useful, thank you. I'm sorry others find themselves in this situation. The start of the New year is when I'm going to get the ball rolling.

I wish I had somewhere else to go but I don't. The option is to rent but I don't want to do that either as it will eat away at valuable capital. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this period of living in the same house, it seems like it will feel unbearable. Controlling behaviours here too (him). I can't go forward like this. It has taken me a long time to reach this point but I'm determined. Getting things in order (ducks in a row) over the coming months.

I've started a thread over in the divorce forum 'anyone else waiting to leave?' if anyone wants to join that.

@Themoonandback23 I've started the decluttering too. I'm going to look at all my individual expenses and work out what I need realistically to live on. I may consider renting too, not ideal but will be able to leave sooner that way. Will see if I can find your thread. We all need support and strategies for coping.

Make sure you take 2 copies of a list of all assets/income. Good luck op.

If he sees a solicitor he will take his pension to stop you getting half

@JoyousPinkPeer
Oh no - I hope that it doesn't come to him doing that! 🤦🏼‍♀️

@JoyousPinkPeer
Does the fact that a pension is already being drawn on affect the ability to share it?