Feel like ending my marriage

[WhaatNext]

Has anyone left their marriage after over 30 years together?

We have grown apart completely and the strain of living in the same house is unbearable. The way my husband treats me is very controlling and I long to live my own life and be free. I feel I need to do the right thing for my own happiness before it is too late to start again on my own. I am 62 and he is 68 and we have been married for 35 years. We have two children who are grown up. Our financial situation is that we have always had a joint account into which we have both paid our salaries. I didn't work whilst our children were babies but other than that I have worked either part-time or full-time. My husband is retired was always the high earner and receives a generous private workplace pension in addition to the state pension. At this point in time I am no longer working since he convinced me to give up my job. We own our house, my husband has a small amount of savings in an ISA and I have a large ISA mostly saved from an inheritance which I invest to provide an income of approximately £20,000 per year.

Would we divide the property, savings and pension in half, and both of us be entitled to half of everything?

Should I stay or should I go? If I leave I will be losing half of everything but if we both have enough financially then is it better to be happy?

Can anyone who's been in this situation give me any advice?

I think it does but you need to check with a solicitor. I was advised of this over 10 years ago. Obviously any lump sum put into savings is shared though.

I’m not surprised - it sounds like you were given just about everything and came out the clear winner.

@50Almost60 , please leave before you are stuck being a carer to this abusive man. You deserve better. I wish you a peaceful future.

Morning all!

• thought I'd check in and see how everyone is doing after Valentines Day as in a position of turmoil it is not the same kind of day as everyone else is experiencing. My DH ( thankfully) works away all week, came home early yesterday and surprised me with a card and gift . This is out of character for him as he hasn't done anything for valentines for many years! Much as I appreciate the gesture it is rather sadly too little too late and alarming as I thought he could see that things between aren't going well. I'm now thinking it would be rather cruel to have "the conversation " with him this weekend .. How has it gone for others?

@mumof3dogs - Yikes! He can definitely sense a change in you, maybe he thinks you have an eye on another man rather than just tired of his crap. I wouldn't do it this weekend but next. Do you have everything in place for when you break the news? Got all the paperwork copied so he can't hide it from you? Decided what the minimum you would accept? How would you live until things were sorted, ie you leave and rent or sell the house while both there? Which furniture do you insist on taking and what can you let go? Do you have back up plans if he decides to disagree with selling etc.

Originally I wanted all the furniture/cooking pots etc as it came from my parents, grandparents, my bonuses. The only thing he bought was the TV. Yes, that is all he brought into the house in over 40 years together. Over a few months I realised I didn't actually want "stuff", I was quite happy to let him have the whole lot. Even the stuff I bought like the washer he had to decide which one I got, same with hoover, fridge etc. It's just tainted with eau de him. I'm okay with charity shops or second hand furniture so I gave him that "win". Of course once he won it he didn't want it so I got a bigger slice of equity AND the furniture 🙄😂 Decide which battles are worth fighting and which are just about "the win".

Hi @Mumof3dogs thanks for checking in! Well, no present here but I did receive a card. I nearly went ahead with the conversation on Thursday evening when he wanted 'a word' with me. He had a go about a couple of things which bizarrely were things he had done against me but turned them aroundbeo it being him who had been treated badly. I stood my ground and explained how I felt without any emotion and he was really confused that I didn't just agree with him as in the past. He knows things aren't right between us but the way he looked at me he appeared to be desperate for everything to be ok, I couldn't bring myself to say I think we should separate. He looked so lost and sad.

Another reason I felt I couldn't have the conversation yet is I do feel it's too early. As @AwaitingFreedom says 'have you everything in place for when you break the news?' I don't feel I have yet but I am working on this every day. I don't feel I need to copy everything because the house is in joint names and I have my own savings. He has one account with his savings but it is online and I don't have access. I know the account platform and an estimate of what is in there, so hopefully that is enough. We have nothing else apart from the car. I'm not so bothered about the stuff in the house apart from my personal things. But not furniture, white goods and things etc.

Here's what I am working on - decluttering, getting rid of anything I really don't need or use etc. Working on what income I will need going forward by calculating all my personal expenses and then working out household expenses etc. We don't budget as such and just pay when bills come in and so I need a better idea of how much I need and to allow for what etc. I have a very good idea of what our house will sell for but I need to work out what I can afford to buy with half the amount, do I rent etc. Seems so much to do to prepare...

Amazing, OP! Well done for being so brave and making those first steps. I did similar after a 17 year relationship and it was amazing how quickly the wheel started turning once I was finally brave enough to make my plans.

Also, when he seems 'lost and sad' as you're sticking up for yourself, do not feel guilty. Is he feeling guilty and sad when he's controlling you and making your life so dark and miserable? Of course he's not. Keep that in mind when you feel bad for him at any point of this leaving process. He will never, ever, be feeling bad for you.

Best of luck - will be thinking of you and following this thread. Happier times are waiting for you, and within reach!

@Mumof3dogs that's so nice of you to check in on everyone. Ironically I had a Valentine card from my husband. Totally wasn't expecting it. This threw off track I must admit. I've tried to settle him down for 'the conversation' but it's as yet it's not materialised. I can't keep putting it off though.

@50Almost60 glad to hear I wasn't the only one with a Valentine card ..
How is everyone doing with their plans/prep?
I'm struggling with trying to find the best time to have the conversation- there always seems to be something in the way .
A bit like someone else said -
I do feel sorry for my DH and so wanting to tell him last weekend I had to put it on hold as he was having a bad week and then came down with norovirus ..
Funnily enough though I had dream last night that he had packed a bag and came to me telling me he was leaving me !
I keep hoping it will happen in reality or he will start a row ..
Need to pull up my big girl pants this weekend I think ..

Well that's an interesting start to the weekend for me ..
Ended up in a row with DH this morning ( over washing up) and I took the opportunity to blurt it out that I wanted to Divorce .

He's not taken it well , very confused wanting reasons and to try
Counselling ..
Feeling sorry for him and not wanting to hurt him too much , but for me it's dead and over 🤦🏼‍♀️

Oh op it's out in the open, conversation tonight on ' why' maybe bullet point reasons might help you yes will be emotional of course it will but it needs saying, good luck

Oh wow, very well done 👏

If you would like the details of an excellent marriage therapist who really helped DH and I to connect (married for 20 years) please PM me.
Cheaper than a divorce and she was really helpful. If you still divorce she can help you both navigate that together

@Candlesandmatches thank you - I will PM you for details .
Though really I feel he should be the one seeking a therapist as he wants to go down this route ..

How's it gone over the rest of the weekend? I hope there's some relief now you've started, it's just keeping the ball rolling now as he may have a tendency just to 'forget' you ever said anything.

@grassyknees
Thanks asking how it's going ..
Well I've moved into another bedroom.
We are being civil to each other and he is trying a little - engaging with me more and doing more washing up 🤣
We are talking about it a bit more now, I have told him that if he wants counselling it's in his court to organise.
Although I am against it as I don't think it will achieve anything , I feel I owe it to him and also hopefully it will allow me to express myself in a controlled situation- rather than a heated one when it's always 1 sided .
DH works away during the week so we will get some space to think and don't worry I won't be letting him think that a few minor efforts = all is ok .
Got another solicitor call next week too - a free 30 min one . Let's see if the advice is the same.

How is everyone else doing? Anyone else blurted it out or had the conversation?
I have told say the relief is great- it was killing me holding it in .
Hand holds to all x

Well done @Mumof3dogs
I'm very close to having the conversation. I feel like I'm going to break at any moment. I'm incredibly sad at all the upheaval I'm about to cause. I'm decluttering, looking at properties, working out my living costs, etc.
I too might see if I can have another free 30 minute conversation with solicitors to check I can do this. We should be able to split everything 50% 50%. Will need a pension actuary to split the pension as it's already being drawn. If so we will both end up with good pensions but will both need to downsize housing considerably.

I'm not having a conversation, I'm doing a moonlight flit/leaving a note on the kitchen table kind of thing, I've decided. I just don't trust his reaction if I try to have a conversation. I'm worried that if I have a conversation and then move into the spare room, he might come in in the middle of the night and put a pillow over my face and then pretend the next day that he can't remember doing it.
He's never shown any tendency to be violent before, but he is highly manipulative, controlling, a liar, gaslights me a lot, rewrites history in a way that totally bends my mind, so I just don't trust him. Plus I've just watched "American Murder: The Family Next Door" on Netflix 😱, that has hardened my resolve to do a flit.
My flitting date isn't for a few months, it'll be when he is away for a week with work and I know 100% he will be away for that whole week. Plenty of time to move into an AirBnB, hire a van, move things into storage, then find a more permanent rental etc etc.
This week, my task is to phone a letting agency from a withheld number and see what kind of references they will want so I can prepare.
Good luck to everyone! 💐

It's the weekend again already and also Mother's Day looming - how is everyone doing ??
We have started relationship counselling which he managed to organise . The first session was hard but I-felt better for being able to get out my views without interruption.
He was somewhat blindsided by some of it - but that's his issue for living in his own bubble for so many years !
We have separate sessions next then back together when she has processed what we have said so far .
He has also returned to working from home which he thinks must be better, not for me as I have lost my independence and space sadly!
He is trying much harder, but to me it's all rather cringey and too little too late - plus I don't believe it will be a permanent change - we have been here before ..
I feel I'm in limbo though which is frustrating as it seems we are neither succeeding or failing . Plus I'm still having to keep it all hidden from the wider world.
I hope you all have a good Mother's Day and would love any updates if anyone wants to share

I cant comment on the financial situation but i left my partner after 33years. He was a drinker and gambler and i was at rock bottom with. I didnt think id ever do it but tbh it was the best thing iv ever done. My son moved out a week after i left to stay at his girlfriends and everyone, family and friends all noticed the change in me. I was 55 wen i left and didnt expect to be on my own but honestly lifes too short to sit back in your 80s and say why didnt i do it sooner. Good luck