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Original poster

What would you do?

57 replies

MaeDaymon · 07/02/2025 14:48

Been together for about 30 years since teens. We still have a young family.

He's a good Dad.

History: No big issues. Odd examples of immature behaviour. Lost a lot of money through gambling. Secretive. Not a great conversationalist. Never makes an effort.

I have had several life events happen to me in the last 2 years so perhaps not been as attentive as years before.

This week: Walked in on him watching p* you can imagine the rest. He made light of it.

I am so upset especially as the person he was watching was the polar opposite to me.

No apology. No 'I love you'. Offered to move out or me to move out with the kids while I thought it through!

We are barely speaking.

We're supposed to be going on holiday at half-term. Kids are excited.

Any advice?
Would you go on holiday?

OP posts:
TheAzureSwan · 07/02/2025 15:02

If you told him how upset you were about him watching porn and he made light of it shows he doesn't respect you or care about your feelings.

Personally this would be a deal breaker for me. You need to decide whether it is for you.

So no, I wouldn't be going on holiday with him.

AnonAnonmystery · 07/02/2025 15:08

I think the porn is the red herring here.He hasn’t offered you reassurance but instead is offering to put more distance between the two of you. That’s more upsetting than the porn. By your own addmission, you’ve had big life events which mean he might not have had your full attention. The latter can 100% be worked on as you are conscious of this. He doesn’t seem to want to engage. When did all this happen?

GarrynotsoGorilla · 07/02/2025 15:12

So what is pissing you off exactly?

The years of not quite meeting your expectations as a partner?

The porn watching?

Or his reaction to it?

  1. if you weren't happy you have had a long time to sort that out, guiding him to change or leaving.
  2. As you say he has had less attention from you, so has turned to porn for relief. Not unexpected. Don't read anything into what the person looked like - that isn't what porn is about! That's just you wanting to make what he is doing about you.
  3. Maybe he doesn't give a damn about your feelings? Or maybe he is just embarrassed and trying to "play it cool". Have a calm rationale conversation with him. See how he is feeling, discuss your sexual and emotional needs, boundaries and re-connect. Stop blaming him for your relationship drifting, it takes two for that to happen. Accept that you have both neglected to attend to each other and work out how, or if you want to work on that again or not. That's the real issue here reading between the lines of what you post.
JudgeBread · 07/02/2025 15:14

I'd be less upset about the porn than the gambling, losing large sums of money, secretiveness and lack of effort. Having a wank is hardly worth ending a 30 year relationship over, but the rest of it? Yeah I'd be rethinking whether this was someone worth keeping around.

Original poster
MaeDaymon · 07/02/2025 15:16

AnonAnonmystery · 07/02/2025 15:08

I think the porn is the red herring here.He hasn’t offered you reassurance but instead is offering to put more distance between the two of you. That’s more upsetting than the porn. By your own addmission, you’ve had big life events which mean he might not have had your full attention. The latter can 100% be worked on as you are conscious of this. He doesn’t seem to want to engage. When did all this happen?

Monday.

He's generally extremely laid back. Always has been. He won't ever make an effort but never has done. Everyone knows he's laid back so no-one expects it.

I'm questioning is it Perimenopause that's making me not handle this well?

It's a few little things that seem off.

Do all men watch p"*N ? Is it not a big deal?

I am so upset. I have no family. No support system. No-one I can discuss this with.

OP posts:
sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 07/02/2025 15:18

Any advice?
Would you go on holiday?

Yes. I would

And I wouldn't be upset about the porn and the wank

I'd be VERY upset about all the other crap he's dumped on you over thd years

And after the holiday I'd be getting my ducks sorted ready to kick him out because of all the other crap. Not the wank

Goandygo · 07/02/2025 15:20

I agree with @sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 .
Go on the holiday for the sake of the kids - and yourself, have a break.
Whilst you're there, think about ending it.
He doesn't sound great.

Original poster
MaeDaymon · 07/02/2025 15:23

GarrynotsoGorilla · 07/02/2025 15:12

So what is pissing you off exactly?

The years of not quite meeting your expectations as a partner?

The porn watching?

Or his reaction to it?

  1. if you weren't happy you have had a long time to sort that out, guiding him to change or leaving.
  2. As you say he has had less attention from you, so has turned to porn for relief. Not unexpected. Don't read anything into what the person looked like - that isn't what porn is about! That's just you wanting to make what he is doing about you.
  3. Maybe he doesn't give a damn about your feelings? Or maybe he is just embarrassed and trying to "play it cool". Have a calm rationale conversation with him. See how he is feeling, discuss your sexual and emotional needs, boundaries and re-connect. Stop blaming him for your relationship drifting, it takes two for that to happen. Accept that you have both neglected to attend to each other and work out how, or if you want to work on that again or not. That's the real issue here reading between the lines of what you post.

I think point 3 is completely accurate. He is extremely laid back so it was a playing it cool scenario. He is generally secretive but always has been. There has been a few other times I've caught him looking at pictures but now it's videos.

It's the porn and his reaction that is upsetting me.

I always put him on a pedestal but for the last 2 years I've had other priorities as well as him and the kids.

Do you think I'm over-reacting?

OP posts:
GarrynotsoGorilla · 07/02/2025 15:23

@MaeDaymon Not all men watch porn, men who watch porn don't always watch it. Some do some don't everyone is different. He is obviously in a phase of his life where he has felt the need. I have watched at times then not for years. Then watched some the. Not for years again.

It's as big a deal as you want to make it. Have you ever discussed the topic? Your feelings about it? If not he might not see any wrong in this.

Have you never masturbated? Maye with the thought of your favourite celeb or co-worker in mind etc? Or whatever external inputs increase your arousal?

As said before, secrecy, gambling are very genuine reasons to be upset with a partner. Are you past that? Or have you never really.oved on from this?

I feel this event has triggered some of your own insecurities/ unhappiness/ emotional challenges. Menopause or otherwise you should try and reflect on that and see if it helps you gain more perspective.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 07/02/2025 15:26

Take the dc on holiday.. Leave him at home.. Take some time to consider how you want your future to look. He doesn't sound a great dh. Not just his recent behaviour. You have let slip much more than most would op..

Shoxfordian · 07/02/2025 15:47

Porn is the least of your issues

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 07/02/2025 15:48

He was only watching porn - not the end of the world.

Dror · 07/02/2025 16:01

Is he a boyfriend or husband? Are you dependent on him for housing or anything?

immature behaviour. Lost a lot of money through gambling. Secretive. Not a great conversationalist. Never makes an effort

I wouldn't find such a man attractive. He's meant to enhance your life, make it fun and bring peace, otherwise there no point to him.

Original poster
MaeDaymon · 07/02/2025 16:20

Dror · 07/02/2025 16:01

Is he a boyfriend or husband? Are you dependent on him for housing or anything?

immature behaviour. Lost a lot of money through gambling. Secretive. Not a great conversationalist. Never makes an effort

I wouldn't find such a man attractive. He's meant to enhance your life, make it fun and bring peace, otherwise there no point to him.

Husband. Totally dependent to him.

OP posts:
Dror · 07/02/2025 16:26

Shift your focus from this man and strive to what future you want.

Do you want to spend your elderly years with this boring gambler, or does a happy future appeal more?
Seek employment if you don't already have a job, build friendships and hobbies. Then decide if the marriage serves you.

MinnieDelight · 07/02/2025 16:35

“immature behaviour. Lost a lot of money through gambling. Secretive. Not a great conversationalist. Never makes an effort”

  • this does not sound like a great partner at all. Given the above, why do you think the porn is such an issue? These issues seem far worse to me than him watching porn.

“No apology. No 'I love you'. Offered to move out or me to move out with the kids while I thought it through!
We are barely speaking.”

  • his reaction here suggests either he really doesn’t care or actively doesn’t want to be with you anymore. It could be that he doesn’t understand how offended you are - is porn usage something you’ve ever discussed as a red line?

How supportive was he during your two life events? How much is he laid back, and how much does he just not really care about you and your family do you think?

“Am I overreacting”?

To the porn, yes. To the rest, I’d say you’re under- reacting.

Marriage counselling might get you both talking through your communication, resentment, lack of connection and might be worth exploring.

good luck ❤️

AnonAnonmystery · 07/02/2025 17:23

I think if you haven’t been having sex or if he hasn’t wanted to then yes porn is a big issue. I would be really upset if this was the situation with my dp.

TipsyJoker · 07/02/2025 17:29

MaeDaymon · 07/02/2025 15:16

Monday.

He's generally extremely laid back. Always has been. He won't ever make an effort but never has done. Everyone knows he's laid back so no-one expects it.

I'm questioning is it Perimenopause that's making me not handle this well?

It's a few little things that seem off.

Do all men watch p"*N ? Is it not a big deal?

I am so upset. I have no family. No support system. No-one I can discuss this with.

Show quote history

It doesn’t matter if other men watch it or not. It doesn’t matter what other people think about porn. What matters is how you feel. Your feelings are valid. And I think it’s bollocks that he has dismissed your feelings and not tried to reassure you when you’re upset, even if it is hormonal. I would tell him to move out because he doesn’t care about you and he doesn’t respect you. He’s not a good dad because good dads don’t treat their children’s mothers with contempt. Kick him out permanently and go on holiday with the kids without him.

Dror · 07/02/2025 17:34

OP can't kick him out any more than he can kick her out, they're married.

FishMouse · 07/02/2025 17:44

MaeDaymon · 07/02/2025 16:20

Husband. Totally dependent to him.

Show quote history

You might need to work on gaining a bit of independence then, before deciding what to do? If you're dependent on him how would you live? Can you live separately in the same house if you want to split up?

AnonAnonmystery · 07/02/2025 17:45

TipsyJoker · 07/02/2025 17:29

It doesn’t matter if other men watch it or not. It doesn’t matter what other people think about porn. What matters is how you feel. Your feelings are valid. And I think it’s bollocks that he has dismissed your feelings and not tried to reassure you when you’re upset, even if it is hormonal. I would tell him to move out because he doesn’t care about you and he doesn’t respect you. He’s not a good dad because good dads don’t treat their children’s mothers with contempt. Kick him out permanently and go on holiday with the kids without him.

Show quote history

This is the worst advice encouraging this kind of action. It’s not possible as op said she is dependent and they also have dc. You should only really give out the advice you would take and when I look at your post when you had an issue, you were very passive and the situation was a lot worse in my eyes. I agree re ops feelings towards the pork but nothing else in your post.

StormingNorman · 07/02/2025 17:47

You were annoyed he was watching porn. His response was to suggest you separate. He chose porn over you. There’s nothing else to say really.

Nealsplace · 07/02/2025 17:58

I understand this op. The secret porn viewing was the final straw for me. It was secretive and my stbexh was very dismissive of my feelings afterward. There were cracks before this however, this was just another layer. I would be wary of the secretive aspect of things as another secret came to light for me going back many, many years which I never imagined. Your husband sounds avoidant.

I can understand your concern about the perimenopause as I had to weigh this up and wonder if this was at the root of things. But it wasn't, it only opened my eyes up to how things are and have been. I've decided that this is not the relationship I want going forward and I'm currently getting my ducks in a row.

So, my advice to you is to probably go on holiday with the dc and have a think about things. How old are your dc? Not that this really matters but it has been a factor in lining up my ducks. Work on your independence so this gives you more options - get things in place, financial, practical things, support network. It is unlikely to improve op.

MotherCariesChickens · 07/02/2025 18:06

OP, you say he's a "good dad" but then you say "Odd examples of immature behaviour. Lost a lot of money through gambling. Secretive. Not a great conversationalist. Never makes an effort."

So I can't quite match the two statements.

Why are you totally dependent on this man?

Have you ever discussed attitudes to porn and other sexual matters before you had a family?

There's not enough information to make an informed comment.

MotherCariesChickens · 07/02/2025 18:13

StormingNorman · 07/02/2025 17:47

You were annoyed he was watching porn. His response was to suggest you separate. He chose porn over you. There’s nothing else to say really.

This is the problem when you have a relationship with someone who has an addiction.

There will be 3 parties in the relationship, you, him & the addiction.

It doesn't matter if it's gambling, porn, drugs, alcohol or eating - the addiction will always take priority over you.