What would you do?

[MaeDaymon]

Been together for about 30 years since teens. We still have a young family.

He's a good Dad.

History: No big issues. Odd examples of immature behaviour. Lost a lot of money through gambling. Secretive. Not a great conversationalist. Never makes an effort.

I have had several life events happen to me in the last 2 years so perhaps not been as attentive as years before.

This week: Walked in on him watching p* you can imagine the rest. He made light of it.

I am so upset especially as the person he was watching was the polar opposite to me.

No apology. No 'I love you'. Offered to move out or me to move out with the kids while I thought it through!

We are barely speaking.

We're supposed to be going on holiday at half-term. Kids are excited.

Any advice?
Would you go on holiday?

It’s bad advice to tell op that her feelings are valid and he doesn’t respect her or car about her feelings? That’s absolutely the case from what she said. When I posted I hadn’t seen any further posts about her being dependent but there is financial help available for people. I think it’s very bad advice to stay with someone who treats you like crap and doesn’t care about your feelings out of financial necessity. What kind of example is that to her children? And my situation was completely different. I had a suspicion which I sat on whilst I decided what to do. I then spoke to my husband openly about said concerns who completely proved that concern to be unfounded, reassured me and took my feelings into consideration and made sure to make me feel better. He was very upset that I had been feeling the way I had. I decided to get some therapy to address my own issues, which I did. I never walked in and caught my husband whacking one out to porn but if I had done, it would’ve been curtains for him. So, that would be my personal action in this situation. Your opinion of my response is of zero concern to me. Address the op if you have something to say because trying to police me with get you absolutely nowhere.

I note with interest his solution was for him to move out or you to move out with the DC 🙄 Why didn't he suggest you move out and leave the DC with him?

He does know if you split with this gambling, lazy, lying fool who sits wanking like a chimp in front of a screen that he will be having the DC on his own some of the time?

Take option A and off he fucks and in the meantime have a look on entitledto.co.uk to see what financial support you might get and get a free half hour with a good solicitor. Porn aside the relationship sounds miserable and it
sounds like he has checked out and you need to know your rights.

He's engaging in the product of an industry that objectifies both men and women, sends out false messages about sexual behaviour and encourages violence and disrespect towards women.

The relationship between pornography use and harmful sexual attitudes and behaviours has been proven.

It may not be the "end of the world" as you put it but it impacts on all of us - especially women.

Well, thank fuck for this.

Not an ounce of critical thinking about the porn “industry” until this post.

OP - how do you feel about your husband finding thus a turn on? Additionally, did he check whether the participants in the porn he was getting his rocks off to were being exploited, abused or otherwise harmed? No?

It would be a deal breaker for me, especially combined with his DGAF reaction.

All men and most women I'd guess masturbate with or without viewing adult content.

It's a problem imo if he's doing it instead of having sex with you but masturbating privately? I can't get worked up about that.

If however the rest of the relationship is crap and this is the last straw then you of course need to think what to do next but don't make any rash decisions on the basis of porn, it isn't as if you found him with another woman.

Why are you totally dependent on him, can you try and get back into work?

Good dads don't lose lots of money through gambling.

The porn's the least of your worries!

I honestly think it may have been since all the Bonni Blue publicity

I need to really think about my options

Its all overwhelming to me currently

Porn has been around forever. I'm not for a minute saying you have to like it but just don't throw everything away over a dh wanking. They all do it.

If, however you are absolutely miserable with him then yes try to think of a way forward withiut him.

@DameM They all do it.

No, they don't all watch porn.

They do. They either admit it or they lie about it.

Unless there is no sexual interest of any kind of course.

That's just it.

I'm not miserable with him. Been together 30+ years since teens. First and only love.

This has just floored me and I keep thinking about it. It's so upsetting to me. I keep thinking I wouldn't have reacted like this years ago.

I genuinely think he doesn't understand why I'm so upset.

I do question my hormones being at play though.

We had odd instances of stuff in our relationship up to year 10 but for the last 20 years it's been ok. I know he's not a great conversationalist and isn't into say surprises or planning stuff but from when I worked, this all seemed normal relationship stuff when I listened to others.

He's a good Dad. The children think he's amazing.

I've always put him on a pedestal to others so I am wondering that because life events took over my time for the last 2/3 years that this has obviously changed the balance somewhat.

Do you currently have any sexual contact, is he rejecting you with the impression that he'd rather masturbate to porn?

So you can speak for all men ?

Do you have a crystal ball?

If so can I borrow it for tomorrows lottery numbers? Taa.

No. They don’t.

You're hanging out with the wrong men.

Also with regards to the images being of different 'types' to you, that is not necessarily a bad thing. We all have fantasies, doesn't mean we don't love and fancy the ones we are with.

By “images” you mean the film of women who are possibly being exploited, coerced or otherwise harmed?

Possibly. Just as the people who made your phone and clothes were 'possibly' exploited, coerced and harmed unless you knit all your garments and don't have any tech. Oh but wait, you're on here 🤔

I'm not saying this is all ok but perspective is needed. You don't throw away a 30yr relationship over a wank.

Does a good dad threaten to walk out on his kids?
Does a good dad gamble?

For clarity, you think that filmed rape, the filming of the abuse and rape of children, the filming of physical internal and external damage of women - sometimes to the extent that they are permanently fecally incontinent, plus the well evidenced ripple effect of an increase in sexual abuse of women and girls - you think this is exactly the same as other forms of employment exploitation.

“immature behaviour. Lost a lot of money through gambling. Secretive. Not a great conversationalist. Never makes an effort”

This isn’t a good partner. You’ve been together since you were literally a child so it looks like you have nothing to compare this relationship to and you can’t see how low your standards are.

No, we were not talking about child sex abuse and other illegal images though.

And you know this how?

I wonder if the OP’s husband checked.

I’d bet my cat that he didn’t. And I’m really fond of the cat.

I think the op would have mentioned if he'd been viewing anything illegal. It's really inappropriate that you are bringing child sex abuse into this discussion tbh.

It’s not remotely inappropriate.

The vast majority of porn users do not check anything at all about the porn they are using - and this includes the age of the women/girls they are watching.

Without checking, it’s impossible to know how ethical, consensual or legal it is.