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Original poster

I don't want to break up but I am not coping with dp's disorganisation

76 replies

NoMoreSweets · 06/02/2025 10:05

I am a very organised person - I've had to be as I was a single parent to 2 dc and had a full time stressful job.

My dc are adults and I met Dp 6 years ago when his dc were adults already. He moved into my house.

I am really struggling with him being disorganised. He forgets he's told people they can come round. He can't say no to anyone so ends up overcommitting.

But this week he is away and I've started a new job. It's a stressful week for me coupled with the fact that I have long Covid so I am very very fatigued. I've been going to bed at 8pm this week! He sent me a message last night to say he forgot his adult dc were coming to stay today till the weekend (he is away all week).

I said no sorry just can't cope with visitors with new job and being so tired. None of the beds are made up and they are vegan and I have no food. I just said sorry pls rearrange and they can come another time (I like his kids but their dad isn't here!). I didn't hear anything till this morning when he's just messaged back to say that he's sorry but they are going to an event and they are coming as he said they could. He said he was really sorry but he just forgot.

I've had enough of it. This isn't the first time and it won't be the last. I'm so tired at the moment and now I need to go and get some food for them (I don't have any vegan milk so they can't even make tea), make all the beds etc.

What can I do to get it through to Dp that he has to stop doing this

OP posts:

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 06/02/2025 10:07

Not ideal but they can make the beds and feed themselves, they're adults.

I'm going to be that person and put it out there - ADHD?

SausageRoll2020 · 06/02/2025 10:08

Just don't let them in?

Or if you do allow them to stay then as adults I'm sure they are perfectly capable of making their own beds and sourcing vegan food. You do not have to be the "hostess with the mostess"

Hayley1256 · 06/02/2025 10:10

I would message them and say they are welcome to stay but their dad forgot to tell you so they will need to make beds and get themselves some food in as you have no spare time this week due to new job and not feeling too great. If they can't afford to buy food ask their dad to send them some money. Your DP needs to do better at trying to make reminders etc

Velvian · 06/02/2025 10:10

Tell him to do a supermarket delivery for his DC. If they've not left yet, they could bring their bedding off their beds at home.

TitusMoan · 06/02/2025 10:10

This is easier than you think. At the moment you are bearing the consequences of his behaviour and he isn’t. Tell him HE is making up the beds and buying the vegan food.

You have to go through with this. No helping him with it. What are you, a maid subject to the whims of her master?

Velvian · 06/02/2025 10:10

How far away is he? Can he come back? Xxx

cardibach · 06/02/2025 10:14

TitusMoan · 06/02/2025 10:10

This is easier than you think. At the moment you are bearing the consequences of his behaviour and he isn’t. Tell him HE is making up the beds and buying the vegan food.

You have to go through with this. No helping him with it. What are you, a maid subject to the whims of her master?

He's not there. He's away, that's the problem, so he can't do any of the work. The adult DC can though.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/02/2025 10:15

What TitusMoan wrote.

Is he your Mr Right really because it sure appears that he is not. He is using his forgetfulness as a way of making you do all the work so he does not have to. If you do not act now and put your foot down you will be running the equivalent of an unproftable b and b.

username299 · 06/02/2025 10:16

You could stay together but live separately; that way his scattiness doesn't impact you so much.

Regarding inviting people over and not telling you, his needs don't trump yours. Just explain that if you're not expecting guests, you're not catering for them or cleaning up; that's on him.

His children can fend for themselves and he can change the beds etc when he gets back.

Itisbetter · 06/02/2025 10:17

Well surely YOU contact them and say they can’t come?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/02/2025 10:17

If he moved into your home as well, he can move right back out again. Be tired of being the last person who matters here.

MMmomDD · 06/02/2025 10:23

OP - text them to get their own food.
And just leave them bedding.
They are adults and can fix beds themselves.

DustyLee123 · 06/02/2025 10:27

No. If he’s not there they don’t come.

LostittoBostik · 06/02/2025 10:29

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/02/2025 10:17

If he moved into your home as well, he can move right back out again. Be tired of being the last person who matters here.

This, ADHD or not.

RobinHood19 · 06/02/2025 10:30

As they are adults and this is, presumably, not the first time they’re staying at your house, tell them the bedsheets will be laid out on top of each bed, and send them a link to the local supermarket. They can make the beds (takes 5 minutes) and buy some milk and other essentials on their way there. Please don’t go the extra mile to provide them with the perfect hosting experience.

When your partner is back, sit him down for a very serious conversation and tell him this is just not working anymore, and you can’t go on like this. I’m sure he doesn’t forget his own commitments or plans with work etc, only those that affect you when you end up having to solve problems at the last minute or entertain his guests.

Codlingmoths · 06/02/2025 10:31

do not get food. Do not make up a bed. Do not tidy up a single thing. Message him: I’m not getting food in for them, I’m exhausted and unwell, if you can’t be a tiny bit considerate perhaps you should live somewhere else. If they come you have to make up the beds and change them after, I’ll be in bed.

Ellepff · 06/02/2025 10:37

As OPs have said - they are adults. Plus they must know their dad is a mess. If he’s your person then they should be allowed to stay at Dads without being guests. Geoup chat: mark and janice, DP forgot he’d be away all week and I started a new job. Make yourselves at home, sheets are in the cupboard and you can rearrange the fridge to fit your stuff. When you go to the shops can you grab extra hummus for my lunches too? Xoxx

oh, and I’ve been going to bed about 8 I’m so exhausted. Don’t worry I trust you’ll keep it down, looking forward to seeing you.

If they still see themselves as guests they’ll cancel. If they see themselves as family they’ll cook and clean for you.

Daleksatemyshed · 06/02/2025 10:40

If you always make up for his mistakes then he has no reason to change Op, at the moment you do the work so he's not having to suffer any consequences. Text his DC, tell them you didn't know they were coming and you don't have time to host them so they'll have to shop and take care of themselves.
I know it's a bit rude but they're adults and capable of taking care of themselves

unmemorableusername · 06/02/2025 10:41

There'd be an expectation here that they'd make their own beds and bring/buy their own food.

Dror · 06/02/2025 10:43

Why did you move him into your property? Value your peace and just date him without the household drudgery.

mrsm43s · 06/02/2025 10:43

I think it would be unreasonable to not let them stay, but I don't think you need to be getting shopping in, cooking or making up beds for adults.

Tell your DP he needs to communicate to his children that they are welcome to use the space, but it's on a self catering/look after yourself basis as you're not well at the moment. And if they could cook the odd meal or two for you too, that would be very helpful, since you've got a lot going on right now.

I'd limit my contribution to the stay to getting the bedding out of the cupboard for them to put on the bed themselves.

Goldbar · 06/02/2025 10:45

I'd be tempted just to 'forget' too and go round to a friend's house or out for dinner.

'Oh sorry, I forgot your kids were coming. They can come grab the keys from where I am and let themselves in'.

Redfred00 · 06/02/2025 10:54

Fuck that. Tell him to move back out. He's making your life more stressful.

thehorsesareallidiots · 06/02/2025 10:55

I'd tell him that they can all do whatever the fuck they like, but I won't be there, and check myself into the nicest hotel I can afford for the night, even if it's the Travelodge.

olderbutwiser · 06/02/2025 10:57

If you run around making beds and getting food in all DP has seen is that it's not a problem. He will do it again and again.

Don't lift a finger. The adult kids can make their own beds and sort their own food. And feed you while they are doing it.

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