I don't want to break up but I am not coping with dp's disorganisation

[NoMoreSweets]

I am a very organised person - I've had to be as I was a single parent to 2 dc and had a full time stressful job.

My dc are adults and I met Dp 6 years ago when his dc were adults already. He moved into my house.

I am really struggling with him being disorganised. He forgets he's told people they can come round. He can't say no to anyone so ends up overcommitting.

But this week he is away and I've started a new job. It's a stressful week for me coupled with the fact that I have long Covid so I am very very fatigued. I've been going to bed at 8pm this week! He sent me a message last night to say he forgot his adult dc were coming to stay today till the weekend (he is away all week).

I said no sorry just can't cope with visitors with new job and being so tired. None of the beds are made up and they are vegan and I have no food. I just said sorry pls rearrange and they can come another time (I like his kids but their dad isn't here!). I didn't hear anything till this morning when he's just messaged back to say that he's sorry but they are going to an event and they are coming as he said they could. He said he was really sorry but he just forgot.

I've had enough of it. This isn't the first time and it won't be the last. I'm so tired at the moment and now I need to go and get some food for them (I don't have any vegan milk so they can't even make tea), make all the beds etc.

What can I do to get it through to Dp that he has to stop doing this

"This is not a hotel and I am not your housekeeping"

@MsMarch They're adults! They don't have any such right anymore

Completely agree with this.

@Dontbeme I don't think he does it deliberately. People ask him, he says yes because he hates saying no to anyone. Then he has travel and forgets he's said yes to visitors. I've no doubt his kids messaged him yesterday saying something like looking forward to seeing you and he remembered only at that point. He couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery.

Glad you’ve messaged his DC. That addresses the immediate problem. Longer term, you do need a better solution which may well be him moving out.

What does he do for a living? Does he have issues with forgetting stuff, and if so, how does he manage this? He can apply similar measures at home. If he doesn’t have such issues at work then he is disrespecting you by conveniently always ‘forgetting’ to check in with you before making commitments to his family and friends. Especially if it’s you that ends up carrying the load each time and he does nothing.

He doesn't have any problem saying No to you. You told him that you are to unwell and stressed with a new job for his visitors and he didn't do anything to make your life easier. So why is it so easy for him to say No to you and put your wants and needs last? Also if he's so forgetful and disorganized how is he managing to hold onto a job that requires him to travel?

If you run around sorting bedding/specialist food items you are still massively being put out. Then you have all the laundry/cleaning after. You are just enabling his poor organisational skills. You are not a maid.
Can't you just tell these adults you are ill (possibly contagiously!) and it's not possible this time and they need to get a hotel?. All problems solved.
This might also encourage your partner to make more effort with a system for remembering things he's promised.
Or as Goldbar suggested just 'forget' they are coming - when he complains say 'yeah it's annoying isn't it?'
Or solve the problem completely and get him to move out.

This!

If he is so disorganised at work, how does he keep his job?

I think you are being massively disrespected here and in your situation, I don’t know if I would be bothered to sort it out. If you want to hang on to the relationship, I think it’s time to lay down the law and tell him he either shapes up or ships out!

I would make them a bed up and tell them they will have to food shop and cook for themselves as you’re starting a new job and knackered.

I think he's a people pleaser who pleases people at your expense. This latest incident would be the last straw. I really hope you go through with telling him to move out. Yes, tell him, don't ask him.

My mum just doesn't cater for visitors. My sister lives 3 hrs away and when she visits there is no food in the house. I'm not saying that's the done thing but people do it.
So I think you will just have to say to the adult kids it's great to see you but I'm shattered due to new job so please can you make the beds up yourself. I haven't got any vegan food in im afraid as your dad only let me know you were coming on x day.

He contributes a lot at home (does all the cooking, walks the dog etc etc)

Those are the easy chores, but how often does he scrub floors and clean the toilets? What does he contribute in terms of cash - rent, council tax, utilities, food.......

Good that you are planning to end this arrangement, which seems exceedingly convenient for him while causing you a great deal of extra work and expense.

Absolutely 1000% this ^^

I would not be justifying his behaviour at all. He does not have a difficult time saying no, and he's not that forgetful or disorganized or he wouldn't be able to do his job.

He just doesn't respect you or care about your needs. I hope you do follow through with asking him to move out OP.

If for some reason you don't make him leave - at the very least I would be letting his children know that going forward they need to make plans with you directly if they'd like to visit, not their dad. He doesn't get to dictate who is in the home when he isn't even there and you'd be home alone with them. How would he feel if you invited your mother or sister or whoever to spend the week in the house with him if you weren't going to be around, and also did so without asking him?

Consulting your partner on something like this is a pretty basic courtesy, and it's quite bad he doesn't acknowledge this (deliberately - he can't be that stupid. And if he is this stupid, well that is a pretty big turn off).

Yes, very true.

Being a "people-pleaser" looks a bit more like face, ego and sexism, when it's being generous with your time and energy and not his own.

Message the kids.

Tell them their dad dropped the ball, you're not prepared, and they'll need to buy their own food and cook it themselves amd clean up afterwards, wash the sheets and bedding they intend to use, and make up their own beds.

Or if they prefer, you won't be insulted if they opt for a Premier Inn instead.

They're adults. They can figure out this stuff for themselves.

Then start thinking about separating. I don't know how you've put up with this basic lack of respect for so long.

Tell him there is a new rule in the house, if it is not on the fridge door and with at least 48 hours notice it's not happening. And stick to it or tell him to move out.

No, my dear, he sees you as an extension of his personality or some kind of loyal family retainer, always reliable, flexible, practical, and willing to put up with all the shit he flings your way. He does not see you as an equal partner.

He is 100% taking the piss with your life and your house, swanning off and accomplishing the business that's more important to him and leaving you to manage the impressing of his friends and children.

They're adults, they can make the bed and get their own food. Just message them and let them know.

When DP comes back, you need to sit down and have a firm discussion about his behaviour. It's not disorganisation, it's a complete lack of consideration for his partner and that is not ok. Get a big calendar and put it in the kitchen. Tell him everything he arranges has to go on the calendar and he needs to tell/ask you if he's inviting people over - that's just good manners. If it doesn't improve, I'd be telling him to move out.

Glad you've got it sorted with the kids and they were understanding. They probably know full well what their Dad's like and this may not be the first time that something like this has happened, tbh.

You definitely need to speak seriously with your DH about organization. A kitchen calendar would be a good idea and I also find my phone calendar helpful - everything I've scheduled goes straight on it, with some alerts a few days before in case I forget!

Organization is a skill that can be learnt. Just because he's managed without this skill up to now doesn't mean that he can't learn it now.

This man isn't for you. Why are they still coming over if you are unwell? They could have tried to book a premier inn or travelodge.

Because they're just as inconsiderate as their father would be my guess.

"He doesn't have any problem saying No to you. You told him that you are to unwell and stressed with a new job for his visitors and he didn't do anything to make your life easier. So why is it so easy for him to say No to you and put your wants and needs last? Also if he's so forgetful and disorganized how is he managing to hold onto a job that requires him to travel?"

You should print this out and give it to him when he comes back.

You're sick. And, you're starting a new job. For him to invite his adult kids to your home with illness and new job start without checking with you first, come on now. That's sheer disrespect for you. Why didn't he buy supplies for them when he asked them?

And that they're still coming when he's not there and you're ill and starting a new job so they can have a free place to stay for an event, that's taking advantage of you. Now if they roll up with food for them and you and do things for themselves, that might change it.

But it sounds like living with him is making your life more disorganized and hard.

Shared calendar, he has to add potential anything when asked at that exact moment I would actually tell everyone that as he is so forgetful they need to understand that until it’s been checked for other commitments by you it is not confirmed. I would not care if it’s infantilising him it’s a possible solution if you Nat to stay with him. When any of DH relatives come he has to do everything. If he pulled this on me I would happily say no to him and as he knows I’m not a pushover he would cancel.

I’d have been tempted to tell him to book his kids a hotel since he forgot, he’s away and you’re not well enough to receive visitors. Put the ball back in his court . And don’t answer the door.

@NoMoreSweets How are things going op? Have you spoken to dp?