I don't want to break up but I am not coping with dp's disorganisation

[NoMoreSweets]

I am a very organised person - I've had to be as I was a single parent to 2 dc and had a full time stressful job.

My dc are adults and I met Dp 6 years ago when his dc were adults already. He moved into my house.

I am really struggling with him being disorganised. He forgets he's told people they can come round. He can't say no to anyone so ends up overcommitting.

But this week he is away and I've started a new job. It's a stressful week for me coupled with the fact that I have long Covid so I am very very fatigued. I've been going to bed at 8pm this week! He sent me a message last night to say he forgot his adult dc were coming to stay today till the weekend (he is away all week).

I said no sorry just can't cope with visitors with new job and being so tired. None of the beds are made up and they are vegan and I have no food. I just said sorry pls rearrange and they can come another time (I like his kids but their dad isn't here!). I didn't hear anything till this morning when he's just messaged back to say that he's sorry but they are going to an event and they are coming as he said they could. He said he was really sorry but he just forgot.

I've had enough of it. This isn't the first time and it won't be the last. I'm so tired at the moment and now I need to go and get some food for them (I don't have any vegan milk so they can't even make tea), make all the beds etc.

What can I do to get it through to Dp that he has to stop doing this

Well they aren't coming to see him, so they clearly just need somewhere to sleep. So you tell them that you didn't know they were coming (they will be well aware of what he's like), where the bedding is and tell them to bring their own food or it's beans on toast (or whatever vegan stuff you have in). If they are decent people they will understand and cater for themselves. If they aren't decent and liable to make a fuss, you don't have to host them at all.

And live separately if you still want to be with him. He doesn't have to live with you for you to have a relationship.

Keep the relationship if you really must but get him to move out. Your life should NOT be harder as a real partner is supposed to be supportive and caring. He isn't. He's a taker and doesn't care how much his choices impact you.

It's ultimatum time. Either he steps up and turns himself into a fully functioning adult or he finds somewhere else to live. If that kills your relationship then he wasn't the right one.

You tell your DH that he needs to let them know that due to you feeling unwell they can fend for themselves. Get their own food and make up the beds themselves. Don't put yourself out when you shouldn't have to. Hope you feel better soon

I said no sorry just can't cope with visitors with new job and being so tired

This is perfectly legit and he doesn't get to overrule it. This is his fuck up to fix not yours. He doesn't get to say no they're still coming. Remind him you've said no and it's not your problem. They aren't staying and you're sick of his disorganisation causing these issues. The change starts now without you covering for his failings.

That would drive me mad. For now you’ll just have to text them and say, ‘Hi DSS, your dad only told me you were coming last night and he’s away all week. I’m too tired and poorly to host you properly so you’ll need bring with you whatever food you’d like to eat and make up the beds when you arrive. You can find the bed linen in the cupboard on the landing. Safe trip.’

Adding to the chorus of people saying you have to stop taking it on.

So in this case, absolutely adult children can sort their own beds, food etc.

The problem is that he gets to do whatever he likes becuase you just run around sorting it out. I think this is a pretty common dynamic so I sympathise as I'm sure many women have some version of this with their male partners. I have certainly worked very hard NOT to do it and to make DH accept responsibility for this shit, and, in his defense, he has absolutely accepted that too. But you do have to do it.

Just to underline - you really don't have to have them to stay even if they do their own beds etc (and I'll bet if they're anything like their dad they'll create work for you anyway). You've said no and that's okay. They're adults who can sort their own hotel and their dad can pay for it. None of this is your concern or responsibility. Be clear and focus on looking after yourself. He'll never get the message if there's never consequences.

This is the perfect message to send to his DCs. It isn’t their fault he’s so useless, and telling them they can’t come this time only hurts them not him, but they are adults and can look after themselves.

It’s outrageous that he moved in and is acting like king of the household though, inviting other people to your house without even asking you and then “forgetting” to tell you. I wouldn’t live like that. If you really don’t want to end the relationship, you could move him out so that you still see him but have peace of mind in your own home. At the moment he’s causing you a lot of stress but since you don’t want to move him out, and he doesn’t change, he’ll keep doing it and you’ll stay unhappy.

Your home is now DH home. And if he is like me, that means it is also his DC home, even if they are adults. My DD is a fully independent adult with her own family, but my home is still always her home too.

In your mind, change them from the category of 'guests' to 'family'. And as family, it is their job to pitch in with housework, and cook for you if you are exhausted or ill.

Do you treat your own DC like guests? How would you feel about your DC making themselves at home, cooking, doing housework? Do you prefer to be the one who has control and responsibility for all that?

If this relationship is going to work, you have to be a bit more flexible.
To repeat, your home is now DH home.
If DH has his mates round unexpectedly, learn not to care that there is no food, the floor is not vacuumed and the place is a mess. That is just not a problem, his mates can take you as they find you, and order a take away if they are hungry.

Are you worried that his mates will silently judge you? Have a think about how to change your mindset and reactions.

Living with someone takes a huge amount of adjustment and compromise. Only you know if it is worth it.

Does that excuse putting other people out?

No way. Not everything is ADHD. Stop blaming bad behaviour on being ND.

Why are people writing DH? OP is legally single and the man is defeating the entire purpose of being a boyfriend. He's meant to make her life easier, fun and peaceful.

well he isn't facing any consequences of his poor organisation

tell his kids you were not expecting them and get them to eithr bring sleeping bags or make their own beds. they can get their own milk!!

So, he moved into YOUR house and his adult children more or less use it as a crash pad?

And you are the skivy who works, cleans, cooks special food and generally runs around to serve his needs?

I guess he is otherwise chaotic, disorganized, as useful as a chocolate teapot?

Why??? What exactly does he contribute?

As pps have said, let them know or tell him to let them know that you're unwell and if they're coming that you have nothing in & they will need to sort themselves out.

They may find an alternative themselves if they know you're not well.

If they still come, tell them where the bedding is and leave them to it, just go to bed as you have been doing.

No-one decent is going to mind. They should just be pleased you'll letting them come anyway.

Two options here..refuse to let them stay which could cause relationship issues

Or just let them in and say, can you sort yourselves out please. Key is here, please lock up. Go to bed.

If they are adults they will be fine so perhaps you have to let go of the need for organisation and accept this. If you can't accept it and it keeps happening then you have a decision to make.

Oh wouldn't your life be so much easier if you didn't live together.

I wouldn't get your partnet to text his DC Op, he'll forget and they'll turn up thinking everything is fine.

OP, you need to call him and tell him in no uncertain terms that they cannot come. If he can't tell them no, he'll be the one to cancel whatever he's out doing and come straight home to make the beds, do the shopping and cook for them - you'll need to rest and not lift a finger. He cannot just tell you that he forgot, and now you just need to suck it up.

He moved into your house six years ago. He either stops this, or he'll need to move back out. You're not coping with this, and he can't just tell you that they're coming because he said they could and then forgot about it.

If he still won't listen, you tell him you won't be in. If necessary, make yourself scarce and lock up the house.

In the short term, as they're grown adults, then they can make their own beds and get their own vegan food. You don't need to do a thing. Just breathe, rest and get through it. In the long term, you need to have a serious think about this relationship. Has he always been disorganised? Or could this be what's called 'deliberate/weaponised incompetence' on his part? i.e he 'forgets' because it gives him an easier life.

Don't rescue the situation. He can do a supermarket delivery or the kids can buy their own milk. You can direct them to the clean bedding for them to make their beds. Or he can book them into a local hotel. But none of it is your responsibility to sort out.

Just text him back and tell him that on this occasion they are not welcome to stay. End of story.

If they turn up ask them to ring their dad and they can either do a shop and make the beds etc, or book a hotel.

Yes I am actively thinking about getting him to move out. This is the only thing that doesn't work in our relationship but I find it unbelievably frustrating. He contributes a lot at home (does all the cooking, walks the dog etc etc) so it's not like he takes the piss in other ways but this 'forgetting' is too much.

I've told his kids their dad forgot to tell me they were coming and I'm not well and didn't make it to the shops and they are fine with that (though still coming as they are at some event tomorrow).

Thanks for all your thoughts. When he comes back, I'm going to speak to him about moving out.

I would find it a bit controlling that he has organized visitors for when he's not even there. What if you had plans to have your own family or friends visiting during the week, or just wanted to get stuff done in the house or sit on the sofa of an evening with a glass of wine and crap telly to relax? Time for him to move back out as he doesn't seem suited to sharing space and considering another person.

MOving out does seem like a nuclear option.

The reality is that he DOES live here, and so arguably, his kids do have the right to come and he has the right to let them. But, as you've done, you've made it clear you won't be entertaining and they have accepted that. Can't you just take that approach with other things too?

Refuse it! Ring them and say I'm sorry but it's a no