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Original poster

Partner told SIL we are having marriage counselling?

57 replies

louisewellsx37 · 05/02/2025 15:00

This is a relationship/family that is unhealthy enmeshed. Sister has often crossed boundaries with me, telling me when and when she thinks I should get married, asked why I don't post photos of my partner, just generally got involved and given her unwanted not-relevant to anybody unimportant opinion when it wasn't asked for.

Most recently, I have asked partner to remove her from having his permanent live location (some of you may remember the post). Having someone watch where i am when i am with my fiance at all times makes me really uncomfortable and its not common where i come from. to me, its an invasion of privacy but husband has refused to remove it but said he will turn it off when we go and do something together. my main concern was that we are due to start therapy and i didnt want him/his entire family knowing we are going to pre marital counselling.

last night, before our first session we had been arguing and he had to pop to his sisters house. he came home and told me he told her he hates his life, and we are going to therapy tonight. i am distraight, why? because previously i have seen text msgs on this sister and my fiance mocking me/being disrespectful/b1tching about me, i called her out on it and said she was being two faced. I have every right to think last night was the same just verbally. she does not offer any good advice, but instead will listen and just make the situation worse. now i can imagine she will be asking how our private couples therapy is going?! i am SO SO livid and angry, i cannot and will not be in a relationship where there is zero boundaries, no loyalty to your partner and complete disrespect to how i feel. am i being ott?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 05/02/2025 15:02

To be blunt: why are you still with him?

JimHalpertsWife · 05/02/2025 15:02

He is being very clear about who he is. You aren't listening to him.

Moresettingsplease · 05/02/2025 15:03

Why are you marrying him?

Original poster
louisewellsx37 · 05/02/2025 15:04

Moresettingsplease · 05/02/2025 15:03

Why are you marrying him?

unfortunately, he was not this person at the start, and i fell in love with him. whether it was an act or not im still trying to work out.

OP posts:
EmmaMaria · 05/02/2025 15:04

I recall the last thread.

It really does not matter who is "right" and who is "wrong". You are incompatible and that is not going to change. If you need counselling before you get married in order to communicate and agree, then the marriage is doomed. Save yourselves the hassle. Both of you.

MsPavlichenko · 05/02/2025 15:08

louisewellsx37 · 05/02/2025 15:04

unfortunately, he was not this person at the start, and i fell in love with him. whether it was an act or not im still trying to work out.

Show quote history

This is who he is, he is showing you. As is his sister. It may be therapy helps him, it won’t her and the dynamic is unlikely to either.

You can be in love and still end a relationship, it’s probably worth serious consideration.

Dror · 05/02/2025 15:08

You've referred to him as your husband, fiance and partner.
Anyway, don't date or marry men who mock you. Just dump him, not worth pondering over.

Itiswhysofew · 05/02/2025 15:10

The fact that you're having couples counselling before you're even married, might suggest that your relationship is not going to work.

His over-sharing with his sister and family is very disloyal to you. How does he expect you to thrive as a couple if he's constantly revealing your private business? Also, he hates his life, so tell him to get the life that he wants, and leave you in peace.

TimingOff · 05/02/2025 15:31

Thank goodness you are not yet married.

outerspacepotato · 05/02/2025 15:34

Don't marry this guy.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 05/02/2025 15:36

Are you the OP starting IVF who doesn’t want sil tp know?

You two are not compatible.

You need to walk away.

middleagedandinarage · 05/02/2025 15:40

EmmaMaria · 05/02/2025 15:04

I recall the last thread.

It really does not matter who is "right" and who is "wrong". You are incompatible and that is not going to change. If you need counselling before you get married in order to communicate and agree, then the marriage is doomed. Save yourselves the hassle. Both of you.

This! Sorry OP

Original poster
louisewellsx37 · 05/02/2025 15:41

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 05/02/2025 15:36

Are you the OP starting IVF who doesn’t want sil tp know?

You two are not compatible.

You need to walk away.

I was. But I think that’s clear she’s going to know every bit of my personal life now like my relationship is a joke.

OP posts:
ZingyReader · 05/02/2025 15:43

Save your money
this counselling will be a complete waste of money
this relationship is categorically over
children?

Original poster
louisewellsx37 · 05/02/2025 15:44

ZingyReader · 05/02/2025 15:43

Save your money
this counselling will be a complete waste of money
this relationship is categorically over
children?

can i ask what makes you say that though? i appreciate answers but would like to know why and your thought process/why you think it cant be saved? @ZingyReader @middleagedandinarage @outerspacepotato @Princessconsuelabananahammock9

OP posts:
ZingyReader · 05/02/2025 15:44

Quite possibly she’s been on at him for years about going to counselling because she’s so fed up of hearing him whinge about his marriage

BobbyBiscuits · 05/02/2025 15:46

I've never heard of 'pre-marital counselling'. Surely you just don't marry someone if you can't get on with them before you've legally bound yourself to them?
Why do you need to be with him? You constantly argue and feel undermined by both him and his family. Normal relationships are not like this and please do not marry him.
He is entitled to tell his family he's unhappy in his relationship, as are you. But surely it's not actually worth it and you should just breath easy, being single. Without all this hassle?

Dror · 05/02/2025 15:56

The man mocks you. There is nothing to save. Be happy about that and rid yourself of this man.

2JFDIYOLO · 05/02/2025 16:14

we are due to start therapy ... we are going to pre marital counselling ...last night, before our first session we had been arguing ... told me he told her he hates his life ... i am distraight ... my fiance mocking me/being disrespectful/b1tching about me ... SO livid and angry, i cannot and will not be in a relationship where there is zero boundaries, no loyalty to your partner and complete disrespect to how i feel

Why on earth are you still together???

You don't like each other.

You don't love each other.

You're both unhappy together.

You need therapy to help you get along together.

And you're still thinking of getting married?

For both your sakes, shake hands, call it a day and part amicably and agreeably.

This will only get worse.

GuestSpeakers · 05/02/2025 16:51

BobbyBiscuits · 05/02/2025 15:46

I've never heard of 'pre-marital counselling'. Surely you just don't marry someone if you can't get on with them before you've legally bound yourself to them?
Why do you need to be with him? You constantly argue and feel undermined by both him and his family. Normal relationships are not like this and please do not marry him.
He is entitled to tell his family he's unhappy in his relationship, as are you. But surely it's not actually worth it and you should just breath easy, being single. Without all this hassle?

To be fair, it's pretty common in America and quite a few religions. It's to help couples talk through life goals and views to make sure they are marrying the right person and for the right reasons. Its easy to say we should all know these things about partners but it helps to have an outsider with experience to bring up the questions.

GuestSpeakers · 05/02/2025 16:52

But also OP, this relationship is doomed. He is in the habit of sharing everything with his family and it won't stop just because you asked him to.

Motnight · 05/02/2025 16:54

Do not marry this man. And definitely do not have children with him.

jsku · 05/02/2025 16:58

I have not seen any of your posts - but in this one you come out - a bit unhinged.
And certainly not happy.
You seem to be in some war over control
of your partner with his family. And this is NOT a good start of a relationship.

You hate his sister - and it seems you are jealous of them being close. I don’t know why his relationship with family threatens you this much. This is not about his loyalty - this is about your insecurity and need to control.

Also - Sounds like maybe your different cultures / preferences make you incompatible in the long term?

You view his relationship with his family through YOUR OWN lens of what’s normal/right. But - who gave you this moral superiority to judge???
Good for him for standing up for himself.

But that still brings it all to - love or not - this will not work. You are too inflexible for being in an inter-cultural relationship. You seem to be unwilling to trying to find a middle ground
between yours and his preferences and expectations for relationship. You want it your way - and this is one-sided and will break you apart.

BeaAndBen · 05/02/2025 17:01

BobbyBiscuits · 05/02/2025 15:46

I've never heard of 'pre-marital counselling'. Surely you just don't marry someone if you can't get on with them before you've legally bound yourself to them?
Why do you need to be with him? You constantly argue and feel undermined by both him and his family. Normal relationships are not like this and please do not marry him.
He is entitled to tell his family he's unhappy in his relationship, as are you. But surely it's not actually worth it and you should just breath easy, being single. Without all this hassle?

A lot of religions (churches, synagogues etc) provide it as part of their agreement to marry couples.

MumonabikeE5 · 05/02/2025 17:04

Why invest so much into your relationship before you get married. Marriage is hard. And if it’s hard before being married how will it possibly be less hard?

I also knew it would be a wife complaining about husband sharing with sister.
it’s rarely seen wrong to share with one’s own sister when you are female.