Partner told SIL we are having marriage counselling?

[louisewellsx37]

This is a relationship/family that is unhealthy enmeshed. Sister has often crossed boundaries with me, telling me when and when she thinks I should get married, asked why I don't post photos of my partner, just generally got involved and given her unwanted not-relevant to anybody unimportant opinion when it wasn't asked for.

Most recently, I have asked partner to remove her from having his permanent live location (some of you may remember the post). Having someone watch where i am when i am with my fiance at all times makes me really uncomfortable and its not common where i come from. to me, its an invasion of privacy but husband has refused to remove it but said he will turn it off when we go and do something together. my main concern was that we are due to start therapy and i didnt want him/his entire family knowing we are going to pre marital counselling.

last night, before our first session we had been arguing and he had to pop to his sisters house. he came home and told me he told her he hates his life, and we are going to therapy tonight. i am distraight, why? because previously i have seen text msgs on this sister and my fiance mocking me/being disrespectful/b1tching about me, i called her out on it and said she was being two faced. I have every right to think last night was the same just verbally. she does not offer any good advice, but instead will listen and just make the situation worse. now i can imagine she will be asking how our private couples therapy is going?! i am SO SO livid and angry, i cannot and will not be in a relationship where there is zero boundaries, no loyalty to your partner and complete disrespect to how i feel. am i being ott?

How do I want it my way if I’ve agreed to compromise and say she can keep his location but turn it off when I’m with him because my personal choice is not to be tracked when I’m with him?

have I spoke badly of my fisnce with my brother? No. Have I been respectful? Yes.

do I respect my finances wishes? Yes

Why can't it be saved?

He said out loud he hates his life. If that isn't a deal breaker, I don't know what is.

He has contempt for you. He mocks you to others and has no loyalty to you.

That's not how good partners treat their partner, or anyone who is important to them. That's how shitty people treat people who put up with their bullshit.

Premarital counseling is a thing but I don't see it as being of any help here.

Maybe - It the morally superior tone you take when talking about his family.
It the pure hate you express when talking about his sister.

It’s your conviction that you should be able to control his sharing of HIS location with his family. It’s your assumption that they are out there ‘tracking YOU’.
And it’s your opinion that you have a right to sensor what he tells his sister…

I think you hope the ‘counselling’ will explain to him the errors of his ways. And that is not how it works….

Counselling wont work unless you stop being defensive and look at yourself too.
As it is - all i can see is you being very defensive and insisting things are black/white.

How is it my assumption that they are tracking me when I have visibly seen her question when we left the state? She text him saying where the hell are you going

Again - isn’t this between him and his sister? Up to him and her to decide and manage
their communication????

I share location with people. If somebody ended up in a different country - and I noticed while being on the app - I could have jokingly say - hey, what up?

If that was a close family member that I usually chat to / share life with - I could have also said something with 🧐….
It all depends on how we usually communicate.

It’s paranoid to think this is some plot against YOU. Or that sister/family is sitting there tracking you specifically. Which you seem to imply.

And in the end - all goes back to war you have with them over control of your fiancee.

It’s not healthy.

he came home and told me he told her he hates his life, and we are going to therapy tonight. i am distraight, why? because previously i have seen text msgs on this sister and my fiance mocking me/being disrespectful/b1tching about me, i called her out on it and said she was being two faced.

Did you call your fiancé out at the same time?

Yes. He said he can say what he wants and he thought I’d told my brother. And I hadn’t. He said he felt compelled to tell her and it was a good thing. I said it is a good thing between us but no one goes around shouting they are in pre marital therapy and they hate there life

She doesn’t share her life and marital problems with him though, as she’s told me things on a night out and said that my fiance doesn’t know. I appreciate your view, but if you knew this family you’d know it’s unhealthy and very toxic.

yes it is between him and his sister for her to ask where me and him are going I suppose, but is it respectful to laugh and mock me and go why would she want to go there, and you’ll be free from her soon ?

Should they want control of my fiance or should they want him to be happy? Because these issues have been here even when we have been happy they interfere.

Frankly - I'd probably hate my life too if I had a partner like you, OP. Telling me what I can share with friends/family when I am down and need support. Or in general. Telling me how to manage my location sharing.

Deciding that my relationship to my family is too close (op: "unhealthily enmeshed") in their opinion, and proceeding on a campaign to pull me away from my close relationships - so that I could prove my loyalty to them...

OP seems to come from a culture that is individualistic and has arms length relationships outside of 2-people family unit. Plenty of cultures - Mediterranean, Asian, etc - are different.

A cross-cultural relationship can work - but not with the attitude that OP is displaying on here....

Why not ask YOURSELF - do YOU need
to control him, or let the two of you be happy?

Can YOU accept him as he is, with the sort of close family relationship he has grown up with, even if YOU don’t have the same sort of family….

The ‘issues’ you are talking about are only issues for YOU, not him.

So - do you really think that making him ‘choose you’ and distance himself from his family is the way you and him will be happy???

You’re supposed to be very happy when you get married - I’d dump him now.

Who is at fault here you or your partner, is beside the point OP. You and your future husband are not compatible, and it is as clear as day. If I were you I would run for the hills.

Where I am from there is a saying that "one is not marrying their partner but the whole family". I remember smirking at my mom when she was telling me this, but this cost me 25 miserable years with my ex. If you do not like his family, the way they are now, it will only get worse. Neither he nor them will ever change, so I think it is time for your to call it quits.

But there are valid reasons I’m asking for boundaries with his family. Do you think I was like this at the beginning? I fully emerged myself into the family, went to every event, I was even part of the weddings. Then I saw the messages that were out right disrespectful and frankly rude. I would never have laughed at someone’s downfalls if that was my own brother, I would have offered advice and not laughed.

from that point onwards, the relationship is tainted and I need to put some boundaries in place or I no longer want to be in the relationship anymore. It’s not about creating distance. It’s about having a relationship that is respected and has healthy boundaries.

his mother getting upset that he got engaged because she is used to be number one woman in his life is just one of many things I’ve had to deal with. You don’t know the back story, with all respect.

He doesn’t need to choose. He needs to have healthy boundaries. They should not want to interfere in his relationships they should not give opinions and text me their opinion when I haven’t asked for it and question me.

Because he is mocking you and bitching about you to his sister and says that he hates his life with you. This is no basis for marriage. He obviously puts his sister before you and that will not change.

If you were planning to have ivf, you need to be really committed to it and to each other as it is a gruelling and stressful process that puts a huge strain on even stable and happy relationships.

What makes you realize that he puts his sister first? I have had this fight my entire relationship. It’s a shame because if I wanted my brother to be happy I would let him be happy with his wife. That’s true love putting peoples happiness before yourself.

He absolutely needs to have healthy boundaries, but they are HIS boundaries. You can't set them for him.

He is being very honest about who he is and you're not listening.

End the relationship and find someone who's a much better match for you.

It's not him and if you try and force it you'll both be miserable for the rest of your days.

Walk away.

Why do I think you're incompatible as a couple and that a marriage would be a bad idea -

You seem so angry with him - all the time.

You are not happy
He is not happy, He tells you he hates his life
You are very critical of his relationships with his family
You want him to change how he relates to his family
He mocks you
You argue with his sister and clearly can't stand the ground she walks on

You expect pre-martial counselling to unmesh his enmeshed family - I'll tell you this for free - it won't, save yourself time and money

Despite what you say - you don't respect his wishes, eg you asked him to remove the family location tracker and are angry because he will not, you don't like that he shares his worries with his sister and you think that just because you don't share with your brother, he shouldn't share with his sister
and last but by no means least...

I cannot and will not be in a relationship where there is zero boundaries, no loyalty to your partner and complete disrespect to how i feel. am i being ott?

And yet you want to proceed with pre-martial counselling as a prelude to marriage presumably. This lack of boundaries has been going on for years - what on Earth makes you think a few sessions of counselling will change your experience of this man and his family ?

You may or not be being unreasonable. This man (fiancé / husband / partner) may or may not be part of an enmeshed family. You may or may not be in love with him and he likewise with you. What you are being unreasonable about is your belief that you are compatible as a couple and therefore should marry. Even at a distance of several thousand miles it is glaring obvious that you are not.

The only people who will benefit from this marriage are the wedding industry and then the legal profession when you get divorced.

Please for the sake of all that is holy, take a breath, get over the fact that his mother is right and let the man go. Please just let him go. And be at peace with yourself.

@BeaAndBen thank you. I guess it makes sense in a religious context. But this bloke doesn't seem worth marrying!

Your fiancé's is involving his family. He's telling them everything. He's sharing your arguments. He's taking the piss out of you and mocking you to his sister. Your fiancé is the problem but for him she wouldn't be in your business. You are in the early stages of your relationship. Realistically, this is as good as it get. This is the honeymoon period. If you are not happy, in love and a team now during the loved up phase I don't think you ever will be. He hates his life with you. Don't bring children into this shit show. You'll only end up a single parent having to co parent with him and your kid will have to be related to these people. Run the fuck away in the opposite direction.

Louise, you cannot and will not change him.
His family will always be an intrinsic part of his life.
You will always be in second place.
you will not change him.
But you don't want to hear this. You are refusing to see, that which the rest of us can see; a doomed relationship.
Walk away with your head held high, and find happiness. This relationship will only ever bring you grief and strife.
It's hard to walk away, it's hard to be alone again, but I promise you, it's easier to be alone than stuck in a loveless, bickering relationship, where you both endure years of unhappiness.
Walk away to freedom, new beginnings and finding someone with whom you are compatible.

'last night, before our first session we had been arguing'

You aren't married and are already arguing!

Do not get married, you are not compatible!

This is the time in a relationship where you are deeply in love, not arguing with each other!

Marry him and I guarantee you will end up divorced.

He told her he hates his life. That includes his life with you. Please give this one up. It's hurting you. Try to find someone who makes you feel secure, not this person who is eroding your boundaries and self esteem.

yes he probably out right because of me. Zero loyalty or respect. @verityveritas the thing is the therapist we just saw is very very good. Emotional based therapy so I 100% know he will help set boundaries with family. I know it’s all he knows but an outside party with no bias telling him it’s not healthy is worth a try. Worth a try.