Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I think he slept with someone right before we made it exclusive

70 replies

OnePinkTraybake · 03/02/2025 13:24

I’ve been seeing a guy for around two months we go to the same uni and met as we are on the same course. Since our first time hanging out it has all been very quick, we see each other a lot and spend a lot of time together and it was all going well. However, last week I started a conversation about what he felt like he wanted out of this situation, and he said he didn’t want anything serious and only wanted something causal. This upset me as he was doing all the things a guy looking for a relationship would do. If I am honest, I wasn’t sure how I felt about casual, so we had a week apart where we didn’t see each other and we were hardly texting unless about this situation. We ended up meeting at his flat on Sunday and he initiated the conversation and expressed that he freaked out last week but that he does like me and wants to be exclusive which I felt like this was a big switch up, but he said he realised he didn’t want to let his overthinking and fear get in the way of what we have and that he really missed me.

This is where things get tricky, he told me that a girl in his flat came round whilst we had our week apart who he thought was just a friend and that she made a move on him and kissed him. He said that this kiss made him realise how much I mean to him and that he missed me. As this was before our conversation about being exclusive as annoying as it is I tried not to hold on to it as he kept reassuring me it was only a kiss and that he did not enjoy it as he was thinking about me and even felt guilty which is why he told me. You should know we have been having sex and I have been keeping tabs on the condoms we are using to see if there are any missing. So, on Sunday after he told me about this girl and wanting to be exclusive, I counted the condoms and there is one missing!!! So obviously I’m thinking he lied to me, and it was more than a kiss. Technically it isn’t cheating as we were only talking and not exclusive however it was only a couple days before being exclusive that this happened. I feel like I should end it with him, but I can’t help but want to stay as he has been really reassuring that he does want me, and he wants us to go out on more dates and that he does want to see where things go. What do I do????? It’s worth pointing out he doesn’t know that I know there’s a condom missing. Is this something I should bring up and let him have a chance to explain?

FYI: I have never been in a relationship so trying to navigate this has been really difficult for me as I don’t know what’s considered ok and what’s not before having the talk about exclusivity. I don’t know if I should just focus on how he is going forward now that we are exclusive or if I should just end it before I get even more invested.

OP posts:

BobbyBiscuits · 03/02/2025 13:27

If it was before you were exclusive then of course it's fine he was sleeping with others. You could've had sex with five people the day before you decided you'd like to only sleep with him.
Unless you'd rather he was a virgin and has never had a partner?

myplace · 03/02/2025 13:30

I would prefer to be with someone who lost interest in other people as he got to know me. So this would probably be a deal breaker for me.

But you don’t know he slept with her, just that a condom is gone. I think I’d have to say something.

Bentley101 · 03/02/2025 13:31

You're keeping tabs and counting the condoms? It was before you were together!!

Red flags all over the shop here. You don't sound ready for a relationship at all.

Bentley101 · 03/02/2025 13:31

myplace · 03/02/2025 13:30

I would prefer to be with someone who lost interest in other people as he got to know me. So this would probably be a deal breaker for me.

But you don’t know he slept with her, just that a condom is gone. I think I’d have to say something.

It where does that line be drawn? First conversation? First phone call? First meeting?

You can't expect people to take themselves off the market before you're exclusive. It's not realistic.

Yabadabadooooo · 03/02/2025 13:33

Bentley101 · 03/02/2025 13:31

You're keeping tabs and counting the condoms? It was before you were together!!

Red flags all over the shop here. You don't sound ready for a relationship at all.

Second that

smallchange · 03/02/2025 13:34

Well that all sounds exhausting.

Do you like him?
Do you want to have a relationship with him?
If he'd told you that he'd slept with this girl and then realised he wanted to have a relationship with you would you have been ok with that?

Counting condoms is odd behavior op. I think you don't trust him and probably best to walk away tbh.

JaninaDuszejko · 03/02/2025 13:36

You are young and just two months into a relationship. Whether or not you were exclusive or not is irrelevant. At this stage it should feel easy. If it doesn't then dump him, you are at University, you can meet someone else better very easily.

Nicecuppatea2025 · 03/02/2025 13:37

“he told me that a girl in his flat came round whilst we had our week apart who he thought was just a friend and that she made a move on him and kissed him”.

Bullshit.

HPandthelastwish · 03/02/2025 13:37

You are not mature enough for this type of relationship.

You are insecure, keeping tabs on condoms is not ok, you either trust them or you don't. And if you don't then the relationship is over anyway.

End this relationship and do some proper thinking - what are you ok with and what are you not ok with? Which of your behaviours would you be ok / not ok with if you were the other person. Where are your personal boundaries?

Once you can identify that, then you can have a relationship, but your current attitude is going to push anyone else away as no one likes stalkery, insecure girl/boy friends.

AgnesX · 03/02/2025 13:37

Such angst. Is it really worth this much effort.

Really, don't start your love life thinking that this amount of heart rending is normal. Especially at the start.

Chanel05 · 03/02/2025 13:39

I think it's doomed from the start. You clearly don't trust him and counting condoms is very sneaky behaviour.

How do you know he didn't use one on his own?

GarrynotsoGorilla · 03/02/2025 13:40

If you want my honest opinion, he has said this to gauge your reaction. If he thinks you are cool with it it will give him greenlight to have some fun behind your back.
Maybe it's me being old fashioned but the moment I start to have sex with someone that makes the relationship exclusive. To be honest if I am kissing someone that is a point at which a relationship should be treated with enough respect to close down other possibilities, unless you are being clear with eachother that it is not being taken seriously up front / other options are being left open. Personally I think any carrying on with more than one person is not really fair as you never fully know how emotionally invested one party might be.

JaninaDuszejko · 03/02/2025 13:40

You can't expect people to take themselves off the market before you're exclusive. It's not realistic.

At the risk of sounding old why are you dating and sleeping with so many people that you think this is not realistic. If you want to have non-committal sex that is fine but don't try and have a sexual relationship at the same time because people will get hurt.

Original poster

OnePinkTraybake · 03/02/2025 13:45

I obviously don't trust him yet I've only known him two months and I can agree maybe the counting condoms wasn't the right thing to do but he was telling me even before being exclusive he wasn't talking to anyone else but for a girl to kiss him surely he must have given her some sign that he was interested.

OP posts:

GarrynotsoGorilla · 03/02/2025 13:48

@OnePinkTraybake you don't trust him yet? But trust him enough to have sex with him? Reflect on what you are saying there...
Are you looking for a shag or a relationship? Think you need to ask yourself some deep questions.

Doggymummar · 03/02/2025 13:50

You should start from a position of trust surely?

pikkumyy77 · 03/02/2025 13:52

Don’t be involved with someone you are suspicious of. More important than the sex in a relationship is: is this person honorable? If you already think he is a liar just let go, drop it. Your opinion will never change. Maybe he is or maybe he isn’t but you don’t trust him. There’s no way to disprove a negative statement or a negative feeling. He can’t recapture your trust because you are an internally/eternally insecure person.

smallchange · 03/02/2025 13:53

OnePinkTraybake · 03/02/2025 13:45

Not necessarily. Signs can be misread (ahh, beer goggles) or someone can just take a chance because obviously all men are up for it all the time (sarcasm in case it wasn't obvious).

You will never trust him. You will analyse his every look/move and you will drive yourself mad. This isn't the way a relationship is meant to be. It's meant to be easy.

HPandthelastwish · 03/02/2025 13:54

View it this way - everytime you have sex with someone there is the possibility, regardless of how tiny that you could become pregnant (or catch something). If not, from the actual itself from foreplay.

Every. Single. Time.

If you don't trust someone don't have sex with them

Even if you are sure you wouldn't continue with a pregnancy deciding what to do when faced with that decision and the "What is..." will take its toll on you, the procedure (and any potentially caught nasties) could have a long term effect on both your reproductive and physical health.

Have higher standards.

Original poster

OnePinkTraybake · 03/02/2025 13:55

I had some trust at the beginning and it was easy but him telling me he doesn't want anything serious and then saying that kissing someone made him realise he wanted to be exclusive made me question if his intentions are right as his attitude changed very suddenly.

OP posts:

ItGhoul · 03/02/2025 13:57

OnePinkTraybake · 03/02/2025 13:45

You aren’t mature enough for this relationship.

MayaPinion · 03/02/2025 14:00

Good lord. You’re dating a student, not performing micro brain surgery on a rocket ship in space. He probably did shag someone else when you were on a break and he probably doesn’t want to tell you the truth because he knows you’re going to wildly overreact. Stop trying to catch him out. If you want to date him. If you don’t then don’t, but you’re 8 weeks in and you’ve already split up once. It’s really not worth this level of angst.

smallchange · 03/02/2025 14:01

OnePinkTraybake · 03/02/2025 13:55

And then you counted the condoms. Do you think you'd have a decision to make if he knew you were counting the condoms?

Just leave it. This isn't bringing out the best in you so move on. Someone else might make this work and it wouldn't cross their mind to analyse it like this - they might think "Aye right" re: him only kissing the other girl but it wouldn't be that big a deal and they'd leave it be for however long the relationship ended up lasting (and if you're all as young as you sound it's not unusual for that to be not long with no harm, no foul).

You're not like that and that is ok - nothing wrong with this being a deal breaker for you, but don't get pulled down the rabbit hole of overanalysing and starting with troubling behviours. Chalk it down to experience and move on.

its2025 · 03/02/2025 14:02

You've only "dated" this guy for 2 months. 2 months isn't long enough for this much angst.
You weren't exclusive - so i can see why he thought it was ok to sleep with someone else - he might have thought you were doing the same?
There's absolutely no reason why you should of been counting condoms.
It seems pretty obvious to me that you're after different things. You want a relationship - he wants something more casual. he probably does like you - he's just not ready to get into something more serious.

Dating at Uni should be full of fun not angst.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 03/02/2025 14:03

ItGhoul · 03/02/2025 13:57

You aren’t mature enough for this relationship.

Show quote history

I don't think either of them are.

Flip

1 2 3