I think he slept with someone right before we made it exclusive

[OnePinkTraybake]

I’ve been seeing a guy for around two months we go to the same uni and met as we are on the same course. Since our first time hanging out it has all been very quick, we see each other a lot and spend a lot of time together and it was all going well. However, last week I started a conversation about what he felt like he wanted out of this situation, and he said he didn’t want anything serious and only wanted something causal. This upset me as he was doing all the things a guy looking for a relationship would do. If I am honest, I wasn’t sure how I felt about casual, so we had a week apart where we didn’t see each other and we were hardly texting unless about this situation. We ended up meeting at his flat on Sunday and he initiated the conversation and expressed that he freaked out last week but that he does like me and wants to be exclusive which I felt like this was a big switch up, but he said he realised he didn’t want to let his overthinking and fear get in the way of what we have and that he really missed me.

This is where things get tricky, he told me that a girl in his flat came round whilst we had our week apart who he thought was just a friend and that she made a move on him and kissed him. He said that this kiss made him realise how much I mean to him and that he missed me. As this was before our conversation about being exclusive as annoying as it is I tried not to hold on to it as he kept reassuring me it was only a kiss and that he did not enjoy it as he was thinking about me and even felt guilty which is why he told me. You should know we have been having sex and I have been keeping tabs on the condoms we are using to see if there are any missing. So, on Sunday after he told me about this girl and wanting to be exclusive, I counted the condoms and there is one missing!!! So obviously I’m thinking he lied to me, and it was more than a kiss. Technically it isn’t cheating as we were only talking and not exclusive however it was only a couple days before being exclusive that this happened. I feel like I should end it with him, but I can’t help but want to stay as he has been really reassuring that he does want me, and he wants us to go out on more dates and that he does want to see where things go. What do I do????? It’s worth pointing out he doesn’t know that I know there’s a condom missing. Is this something I should bring up and let him have a chance to explain?

FYI: I have never been in a relationship so trying to navigate this has been really difficult for me as I don’t know what’s considered ok and what’s not before having the talk about exclusivity. I don’t know if I should just focus on how he is going forward now that we are exclusive or if I should just end it before I get even more invested.

But you were sleeping with him before you agreed to be exclusive.

Although you also say this - "Technically it isn’t cheating as we were only talking" - you weren't only talking if you were sleeping together?

It's not super romantic that he slept with someone else just before telling you he wanted to be exclusive. But it's pretty common i would think. I'd find it hugely off-putting that he snagged someone else and then made out that she came onto him and he didn't even enjoy it. Very disrespectful of him towards her.

I have always thought that if a guy is doing anything with me then he shouldn’t be doing anything with anyone else(if he wants to keep me on board). That applies from the first date. I always took that as understood without me saying anything. I think you should move on.

Trusting him to do what, though? You weren't exclusive.

I feel like you’re getting an unnecessarily hard time on here.

Dating nowadays is hard and complicated. I think him being unsure about committing is forgivable but lying about what went on with another girl is not.

Ultimately the condoms thing won’t tell you anything. He could have given one to a mate but still slept with this girl or another unprotected, or using her condom.

Id ask him directly if anything else happened with this girl or anyone else. And really clearly set out your expectations going forwards.

I did ask him and he said nothing else except the kiss happened and he was really reassuring about the whole situation. I do really like him so maybe I am overthinking this whole situation as at least now he is showing he cares about me and wants exclusivity.

Not for this reason, but because you're already counting condoms. What's the point when you're already this unhappy?

im not unhappy tho we do really get along and have a good time together. I think I've just been overthinking the whole situation because I've never been in a relationship before

The thing is, I am personally too jealous to deal with this. But the reason I think you should end it is that he has lied to your face. I could have respected him if he were totally honest, but I wouldn't be with someone I couldn't trust.

this is what I'm struggling with. the missing condom is the only reason I think he is lying so maybe there's another explanation for the missing condom but maybe I am being naive?

Posh wank?

Maybe he kissed her and then had a posh wank in to the condom. When she’d left.

Or something.

this is what im trying to figure out because apart from this situation what we have is really good and I do want to see how things go specially now that he has opened up that initially he was confused but that he does want to see where things go with me. I was only trying to get different perspectives on whether I should ignore what happened before we had the exclusivity talk and move forward and see how his actions from now on make me feel.

Why are you counting the condoms??? I think that's a big sign that you felt like he was someone who sleeps around from the beginning. It's also really controlling and unacceptable behaviour, you shouldn't have done that.

You don't know where that condim went. He could've just put it in his wallet or jeans pocket when he was going on a night out? Or given it to a friend who needed it? I

@OnePinkTraybake Talk to him ask him. Make your mind up if you believe it or not, if you don't, move on.

Why shouldn't you count the condoms you're using? No one should blindly trust anyone 100%, especially someone they barely know - that's just naive IMO.

The problem here is that there's a condom missing and it's looking likely that he's lied to you about it. The first thing I'd be doing is considering what you know of him, what has his behaviour with women been like up to this point? Is he known to be a player? How did he treat his last girlfriend? Has he had any long term relationships?

Personally I'd just call it a day, when I'm sleeping with some i don't want them to think it's fine to sleep with other people too even if we haven't had some sort 'exclusive' discussion. But if you're going to keep going then keep counting the condoms and don't give your heart away too fast.

Dating nowadays is hard and complicated.

Yes, this. I read stuff like this and I'm glad I'm old. In my youth once you had snogged someone and started going out on dates with them it was assumed you were exclusive. Now you have to wait and hope someone agrees to that, all the while knowing they could be sticking their willy in other people between dates, yuck. I know the female partner is free to do the same but that would have zero appeal to me. Maybe I'm just an old bore.

Not sure what to say to you OP. He hasn't done anything "wrong" according to the status you had at the time but if he had sex with someone and lied about "just a kiss" then he's deprived you of the facts you might need to make a decision on whether to carry on with him or not. Also think about whether his blowing hot and cold before that has put you off. You don't have to accept non-exclusive sexual relationships if that doesn't suit you. Fair enough for those who like that but we're all different!

Getting on with someone is one thing - them making you feel comfortable and secure is another.

Girl – life is too short for men who don't know if they want to be with you. Don't accept anything less, no matter how much you like them, and set your sights higher.

You need some time on your own to work o your issues before you are ready for any relationship.

Okay so looking back at uni days - I can see now that it is really a time of fun and exploration!

I wouldn't love it that someone kissed someone else but - it's early days and you guys are really young. you have just got to uni, are making lots of new friends etc

Can't you just accept you were in the early days - set a really clear boundary going forward and see if he keeps your trust now?

Just remember relationships should be easy. Your partner is your support not the person you are seeking support for!

You are young- see how it goes but just be mindful your partner might not be very committed and you have to decide if that is acceptable or not. At your age there are a lot of people available (the pickings get slimmer the older you get!) so don’t settle for anything that isn’t easy.

I'm 47 Op and what I really wish I'd known when I was at uni - was to have really clear boundaries. I think you have to tap into what matters to YOU.

If you are okay with the idea that you weren't excluisve yet and he continues to show that he is treating you well - I would give it a chance

But if his behaviour is making you feel uncomfortable in an ongoing way _ WALK AWAY> do not waste years /months/ days of your life on someone who makes you feel anxious and unloved.

While I agree with many PPs about the issues and neither side being mature, OP also says it's her first relationship and god knows she's gotta start somewhere or she'll never have a realistic grasp on how to do these things. Apart from some rare exceptions, we all go out with some duds to start with, esp at uni, until our training wheels come off and we're ready to handle a more mature relationship. Isn't it more about her getting some perspective on this (which is already happening on this thread) - seeing what she's done wrong and not getting too invested in this guy, but also not necessarily binning him and sitting waiting for an ideal guy to come along and they'll both do everything right.

I don't think you are old / mature enough to be tackling realtionships yet. You don't believe him and you are counting his condoms. It really isn't about whether you can trust him - you don't.

If it's hard work in the beginning it will be hard work forever. Wait for someone better