I think he slept with someone right before we made it exclusive

[OnePinkTraybake]

I’ve been seeing a guy for around two months we go to the same uni and met as we are on the same course. Since our first time hanging out it has all been very quick, we see each other a lot and spend a lot of time together and it was all going well. However, last week I started a conversation about what he felt like he wanted out of this situation, and he said he didn’t want anything serious and only wanted something causal. This upset me as he was doing all the things a guy looking for a relationship would do. If I am honest, I wasn’t sure how I felt about casual, so we had a week apart where we didn’t see each other and we were hardly texting unless about this situation. We ended up meeting at his flat on Sunday and he initiated the conversation and expressed that he freaked out last week but that he does like me and wants to be exclusive which I felt like this was a big switch up, but he said he realised he didn’t want to let his overthinking and fear get in the way of what we have and that he really missed me.

This is where things get tricky, he told me that a girl in his flat came round whilst we had our week apart who he thought was just a friend and that she made a move on him and kissed him. He said that this kiss made him realise how much I mean to him and that he missed me. As this was before our conversation about being exclusive as annoying as it is I tried not to hold on to it as he kept reassuring me it was only a kiss and that he did not enjoy it as he was thinking about me and even felt guilty which is why he told me. You should know we have been having sex and I have been keeping tabs on the condoms we are using to see if there are any missing. So, on Sunday after he told me about this girl and wanting to be exclusive, I counted the condoms and there is one missing!!! So obviously I’m thinking he lied to me, and it was more than a kiss. Technically it isn’t cheating as we were only talking and not exclusive however it was only a couple days before being exclusive that this happened. I feel like I should end it with him, but I can’t help but want to stay as he has been really reassuring that he does want me, and he wants us to go out on more dates and that he does want to see where things go. What do I do????? It’s worth pointing out he doesn’t know that I know there’s a condom missing. Is this something I should bring up and let him have a chance to explain?

FYI: I have never been in a relationship so trying to navigate this has been really difficult for me as I don’t know what’s considered ok and what’s not before having the talk about exclusivity. I don’t know if I should just focus on how he is going forward now that we are exclusive or if I should just end it before I get even more invested.

he does make me feel comfortable and he constantly reassured me to be fair there not much more he can say to me at this point. I think I do just get really in my head about the situation and this kiss situation has made me really overthink

Many relationships have a slightly messy start OP, it doesn't mean they won't work out though. If he did have sex with someone else it made him realise he would like to be serious with you. I don't see any of this is a deal breaker, I think you should give it a chance. No one comes with a guarantee.

Least your all using condoms

How do you know there's one condom missing? Since when was your last count? Must've been before you had the initial talk about going exclusive and the subsequent week apart? Which means you were counting them regularly all through the initial stages of your relationship. That's not healthy or normal.

He told you he didn't want serious. You were supposed to go 'ok' and keep shagging him. But you had standards. So he lied and said he changed his mind and now is shagging two people. Most likely scenario.

I'm sorry but 'I got scared' is always, always horseshit. Always. Everything else aside. You'll hear this lie over and over again. There's nothing scary for men about relationships because, they are easily ended. It's not a marriage contract. Don't let them convince you that they are scared. It's bs to excuse behaviours like controlling (disguised as 'insecurity') and cheating.

Now it might be he isn't still sleeping around. But, he doesn't want to be in a relationship. The only reason he's 'changed his mind' is to keep you from fucking off. And likely, mostly, that's about sex.

Sorry to sound like a downer. There are plenty of good guys out there. But this isn't the one for you. And your gut knows it.

If he had wanted a relationship he would have jumped at the chance. He didn't because he doesn't. It's that simple.

And never trust people who act like youre together/like that's what they want, but when you ask for clarity, are like 'what do you mean? I don't want anything serious'. They're either players or worse, narcissists (as in npd). Looking for sex or the ego boost of you liking them basically.

There was nothing wrong with showing his interest in her if he did.. he was single and not in a relationship with you!!

You say you don't trust him. Yes trust takes time to build but you usually have to trust them to an extent to enter a relationship with them. No one on this earth thinks 'I don't trust him, but I'll be his girlfriend and have sex with him.'

This applies no matter what age you are.

Men who like you and want to be with you don't doubt it and are extremely clear with what they want. There's no messing. They don't need to kiss or sleep with others to find out. It really is that simple.

At times, we all convince ourselves it's more complicated than that but it really isn't.

Exactly.

'I don't know what I want' means - I don't want you (but I'll happily shag you provided you ask nothing in return)'. 99% of the time.

'I'm not looking for anything serious' means 'I'm not looking for anything serious with you, ever'.

If they wanted to they would. The second the opportunity arose.

They hit you with either of the afore mentioned lines, your reply is 'ok, goodbye then' and delete and block. Save yourself a lifetime of bullshit by getting used to putting that into practice asap.

Another vote for 'he's just not that into you'. When men like you it's very clear and they don't mess about.

I think it’s very likely he thought he would have to agree to being exclusive to continue seeing you and spent that “quiet” week getting some free agent fucks out of the way. Maybe it was only the woman he told you about or maybe it was other women who had condoms of their own.

That sudden realisation of true feelings being prompted by shagging someone else is rom com bullshit. Did you need a different penis inside you to know how you felt about him? Men are rarely frightened because they are strongly attracted to someone. They are happy and tend to want to be with her rather than anyone else. And most want monogamy rather than share that woman with other men.

You’re at uni, keep it light, have fun. But if you’re going to tie yourself down to one person, wait for someone who is interested enough in you to not need a week and the feel of a different warm body to know his own mind

This thread is one of the reasons I started a new thread with the title Not exclusive. The new so called ' relationship status' and all the variations is quite frankly an absolute mess.

You should know we have been having sex and I have been keeping tabs on the condoms we are using to see if there are any missing

this is not rational behaviour at all

So can you move on from a messy start (that probably included sex) or not? There's no right or wrong answer, only an honest one.

If you can, great ,give things a go knowing that you're young and are stuck at uni together if it doesn't work out. If you're less comfortable with that, I'd revert to being friends.

I agree with a poster who says they'd prefer someone who is keen from before a line being drawn. Yes it's fair game if you're not exclusive but sometimes if you like someone it's fine. To want them to feel excited about you too. That said, in my younger days a bit more bed hopping went on so it may not be such a big deal. Go with your gut on this.

PS HE DOES NOT NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE CONDOM COUNTING

PPS KEEP USING THEM

You’re being very weird for counting condoms when you’re not even in a relationship.

You’re the red flag, not him. He sounds like he’s done absolutely nothing to warrant your strange behaviour.

Girl end it. You won't trust him and when it does end it will be awkward cause he's in your class.

all this really. Ithink maybe a bit more relationship practice might be a good use of your university time. Move on and find a nice bloke. It really shouldn’t be this angsty. Work out who you are first. Not someone with a boyfriend where you have to count condoms.

I can't understand why you were having sex with him while not knowing if he was having sex with others, given that you absolutely wouldn't have been happy if he was actually having sex with others.

When I was younger and could even be arsed with sex I'd never sleep with anyone til I was sure what I wanted from them and whether or not I'd get it. If I realized I only wanted a one night stand, yes go ahead... if I think it was possible I wanted more but wasn't sure if he did- no sex in case I got hurt.

Do you blindly trust everyone you meet as soon as you meet them? Trust takes time to build.

Cards on the table @OnePinkTraybake

Your first serious attempt at a relationship is the one that sets you up in how you deal with every other relationship you have

He will break your heart, that's how it goes. What you need to do, right now, is decide that he is a practice not a keeper. Then, when it all goes properly pear shaped, you can practice dealing with the emotional fallout

You are already indulging in some behaviours that only harm you, you are far too invested and maybe feel a bit too much need to know and control everything. Don't do that. It hurts you more than it does anyone else

You have lots of women here who have been through such an experience telling you that he isn't The One and that his antics are perfectly normal in your situation

All you have to do is believe us and decide what kind of ex you want to be. Then when it happens, as it inevitably will, you can be the kind of woman you choose to be

So enjoy it while it lasts and get ready to practice walking away without a backward glance

Best of luck

1.) Don’t be someone’s option when you can be someone else’s priority.

2.) Don’t pursue a relationship with someone on a basis of you doubting their honesty with you.