Am I being love-bombed or is this normal? (Very early stages of dating)

GotAGoodThing · 2025-02-02T15:30:06+00:00

Matched with someone on the apps. He lives in Zone 2 of London; I live on the commuter line about an hour to Central London by train. We had a date on Friday half way between London and where I live. Was really nice, had a drink and a meal, I got train home after. No red flags during the date. Have agreed to meet again week after next (DCs are with their dad alternate weekends) in London, with me staying over. He has been texting me quite a bit. English not his first language but it is pretty good. Now he is suggesting meeting for coffee after work as well. I can't do this apart from Wednesdays when DC are with their dad. I have found being away from DC really hard so generally try to keep Wednesdays busy so am seeing a friend. But can do next Wednesday. I guess I am just wondering how often do you meet people at the start when you're 'dating?'

FriendsDrinkBook · 02/02/2025 15:33

I can't answer your question directly op , but reading this , it all looks perfectly nice and normal.

If you don't want to see him on a Wednesday for coffee then just say so , take it at your own pace.

Was there anything about him that made you feel uncomfortable?

IdaGlossop · 02/02/2025 15:34

I think it's too early to tell if you are being love bombed. As you have agreed to stay over on your second date, he presumably thinks you are keen. (Not being critical BTW.) A coffee next week seems quite reasonable.

Olika · 02/02/2025 15:37

Doesn't sound love bombing if he is not constantly requiring your attention and wanting to meet. If you feel comfortable and like the speed things are going then just enjoy.

username299 · 02/02/2025 15:38

Love bombing is where he rushes the relationship in order to build false intimacy. He tells you he loves you, buys you gifts, wants to spend all his time with you, talks about your future, wants to move in and so on.

Sodthesystem · 02/02/2025 15:43

I mean based on that it just seems like he is excitable about meeting up soon.

Be clear with him about the free time that you have available. And don't be slow to say 'and some of that is me'time'. If he pushes against that going forwards, you know he's a boundary pusher.

That being said, if you only have Wednesday free then realistically you have to ask yourself what you have to offer relationship-wise.

If someone told me they only had Wednesday free indefinitely, I'd assume sex was all they wanted. So if it isn't, you maybe need to say 'currently I only have Wednesday free, sorry its not very flexible. If I meet someone ì really like and it goes well, I may look to make changes in future'.

mewkins · 02/02/2025 15:45

IdaGlossop · 02/02/2025 15:34

I think it's too early to tell if you are being love bombed. As you have agreed to stay over on your second date, he presumably thinks you are keen. (Not being critical BTW.) A coffee next week seems quite reasonable.

I would also be cautious OP. You've met him for a few hours. I wouldn't agree to staying over at his at this stage. Give yourself some space to change your mind about him for the next few dates. This may sound overly cautious but you do read some horrendous stories. Keep your guard up until you feel you know him enough to trust him.

Original poster

GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 15:46

Thanks for the replies. I've not had much luck dating since exH left me - had a holiday fling with a man who turned out to be married with small children, which was really upsetting as I would not have slept with him if I had known. Then I was in a situationship for about 18 months with a man who was breadcrumming me horribly until I just had to let it go.
When I got together with exH he absolutely love-bombed me (and my whole family), though I did not realise at the time. We had kids really early on, my family supported us financially a lot, then he became financially and emotionally abusive then took me through the family court multiple times and totally traumatised me. So I don't really have any sense of what is 'normal' 😬

OP posts:

Collette78 · 02/02/2025 15:48

Just go with your gut and what feels right for you.

I don’t really like all the terms now, love bombing, red flags, green flags etc etc.

Just trust your instincts

Original poster

GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 15:50

Sodthesystem · 02/02/2025 15:43

I mean based on that it just seems like he is excitable about meeting up soon.

Be clear with him about the free time that you have available. And don't be slow to say 'and some of that is me'time'. If he pushes against that going forwards, you know he's a boundary pusher.

That being said, if you only have Wednesday free then realistically you have to ask yourself what you have to offer relationship-wise.

If someone told me they only had Wednesday free indefinitely, I'd assume sex was all they wanted. So if it isn't, you maybe need to say 'currently I only have Wednesday free, sorry its not very flexible. If I meet someone ì really like and it goes well, I may look to make changes in future'.

It is difficult. I have Wednesdays and alternate weekends free although I do try to keep my weekends busy and have made some plans over the coming months to see friends and family as was not expecting to go on a date which went well.

I have been upfront and said about my availability due to DC and he seemed OK with that.

Obviously if I found someone I was really serious about I might eventually want them to meet DC but that would be well into the future like a year or more of seeing someone and really getting to know them.

OP posts:

FriendsDrinkBook · 02/02/2025 15:50

I'd you're worried about what a relationship should look like then just take it very slowly and watch how he reacts when you say no to something.

Original poster

GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 15:52

mewkins · 02/02/2025 15:45

I would also be cautious OP. You've met him for a few hours. I wouldn't agree to staying over at his at this stage. Give yourself some space to change your mind about him for the next few dates. This may sound overly cautious but you do read some horrendous stories. Keep your guard up until you feel you know him enough to trust him.

Show quote history

Yes I have heard some awful stories from friends meeting guys on the apps who are into choking, expect anal, expect quite violent sex.
And you're right - it has only been a few hours. So maybe a second date is a better idea. Thank you. X

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Olika · 02/02/2025 15:52

With your update in mind my advice would be to take your time to get to know this new man/any new men you meet. Don't rush and get carried away with your feelings but use time to observe him and see him for what he is.

MrsJHernandez · 02/02/2025 15:53

FriendsDrinkBook · 02/02/2025 15:50

I'd you're worried about what a relationship should look like then just take it very slowly and watch how he reacts when you say no to something.

This is good advice 👍

If he reacts unreasonably or angrily, then you know he's a wrong-un and you can run away!

Original poster

GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 15:55

IdaGlossop · 02/02/2025 15:34

I think it's too early to tell if you are being love bombed. As you have agreed to stay over on your second date, he presumably thinks you are keen. (Not being critical BTW.) A coffee next week seems quite reasonable.

Yeah I am quite keen 😅 as been ages since I have been intimate with someone and I also want to see if we are compatible in the bedroom quite early on as it would be a shame to date for ages then it not work out in that regard. But actually having read the replies I think a second date before staying over sounds better.

I thought he seemed very nice. I am an exceptionally bad judge of character though.

OP posts:

Original poster

GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 15:57

FriendsDrinkBook · 02/02/2025 15:50

I'd you're worried about what a relationship should look like then just take it very slowly and watch how he reacts when you say no to something.

Thank you, very good advice. He didn't seem upset or annoyed when I said I can't meet this coming week. We just talked about the activity I am meeting my friend for.

OP posts:

Original poster

GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 15:58

username299 · 02/02/2025 15:38

Love bombing is where he rushes the relationship in order to build false intimacy. He tells you he loves you, buys you gifts, wants to spend all his time with you, talks about your future, wants to move in and so on.

I wish I'd known this before I met my exH he literally did all of this 😭

OP posts:

NewHeaven · 02/02/2025 16:00

Way too early to be staying over, he's still a stranger to you. You should be getting to know each other & finding out if your values are compatible before the sleeping together stage. If his values don't align with yours, it's easy to ditch after one or two coffee dates without the complication of sex.

I'd say the test whether he's decent or not would be how long he's prepared to wait for sex. He's already suggested staying over on date 2 so I would have ditched him for that.

Sodthesystem · 02/02/2025 16:02

Based in your updates op, have you actually taken time single? To heal etc...
You say you don't know what's normal and have a history of abuse. So - this isn't really the time to be dating, is it?
You've got to do the work first and learn how to spot dangerous sorts. Alongside any kind of boundary work too. Eg: healing codependency issues. Hit the books. Maybe get some therapy.

You don't know this guy so even if you did just want sex so be aware that staying over at his house is still a massive risk.

FriendsDrinkBook · 02/02/2025 16:03

@GotAGoodThing I do understand how you feel op. Exh was abusive and I didn't even consider dating for 5 years after I left him. When I met the man I eventually married I was very cautious and struggled to trust my instincts. Its difficult to navigate those feelings.

Sodthesystem · 02/02/2025 16:08

GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 15:55

Yeah I am quite keen 😅 as been ages since I have been intimate with someone and I also want to see if we are compatible in the bedroom quite early on as it would be a shame to date for ages then it not work out in that regard. But actually having read the replies I think a second date before staying over sounds better.

I thought he seemed very nice. I am an exceptionally bad judge of character though.

Show quote history

Know the feeling!
It's catch 22 balancing saftey with 'are we compatible/are they attentive in bed?'. I'd first look to see they are a good kisser. And - do they adapt to your pace. Or are they too rough or pushy. That can give a good indication if they care about your pleasure or just want to smash. And on compatibility.
I usually try to have 3 or 4 dates before deciding on home visits. Maybe err on the side of caution seen as your picker hasn't been great in the past.

pinkyredrose · 02/02/2025 16:12

Please don't stay over yet. It's too soon. Much better to have a night in a hotel, at least there'll be other people around.

Sodthesystem · 02/02/2025 16:13

Oh and never tell them you intend to stay over in advance. Firstly because it makes them feel entitled and - what if you change your mind on the date. Secondly because they could be nutters that set up hidden camera to record you.

NewHeaven · 02/02/2025 16:14

Do the online freedom programme to help you reset boundaries & spot red flags as you have a history of abuse.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

NovemberMorn · 02/02/2025 16:14

GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 15:55

Yeah I am quite keen 😅 as been ages since I have been intimate with someone and I also want to see if we are compatible in the bedroom quite early on as it would be a shame to date for ages then it not work out in that regard. But actually having read the replies I think a second date before staying over sounds better.

I thought he seemed very nice. I am an exceptionally bad judge of character though.

Show quote history

You can't know someone properly after 2 dates.
Dont you think you would be putting yourself in a vulnerable position, preparing to be intimate with someone when you hardly know them?
I would think about what happened to your friends after jumping into bed with strangers, and take heed from that.

Sodthesystem · 02/02/2025 16:17

pinkyredrose · 02/02/2025 16:12

Please don't stay over yet. It's too soon. Much better to have a night in a hotel, at least there'll be other people around.

This is a good idea.
The downside is, you don't find out if they are pigs or not at home. But it is safer if you want to have a fling.
Maybe go on another date. Don't tell him you have a room. Decide to tell him at the end of the date IF you want to bring him back.
I'd still say to wait a few more dates though.