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Original poster

Am I being love-bombed or is this normal? (Very early stages of dating)

57 replies

GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 15:30

Matched with someone on the apps. He lives in Zone 2 of London; I live on the commuter line about an hour to Central London by train. We had a date on Friday half way between London and where I live. Was really nice, had a drink and a meal, I got train home after. No red flags during the date. Have agreed to meet again week after next (DCs are with their dad alternate weekends) in London, with me staying over. He has been texting me quite a bit. English not his first language but it is pretty good. Now he is suggesting meeting for coffee after work as well. I can't do this apart from Wednesdays when DC are with their dad. I have found being away from DC really hard so generally try to keep Wednesdays busy so am seeing a friend. But can do next Wednesday.

I guess I am just wondering how often do you meet people at the start when you're 'dating?'

OP posts:
Original poster
GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 16:26

Thanks so much for all the replies.
It is very hard balancing sexual frustration with being sensible.
I think I might book a hotel room when I meet him in London. And see what he is like on the second date.

OP posts:
RachelLikesTea · 02/02/2025 16:27

I took dating adter my marriage ended really slowly. My dc were young teens. We had 7 dates before I stayed overnight at his. It was easy to go slowly though because he lives 2 hours away. He didn’t meet my dc until ocer 6 months and very briefly at first. Take it really slowly and let the relationship build would be my advice and if he’s feeling as though he’d like a commitment relationship, he’ll have no problem with that.

Justalittlehotpotato · 02/02/2025 16:27

This sounds ok to me. When I met DP we spent the Saturday night together, he drove me home to my place in a neighbouring city and stayed over the Sunday, we did the same two nights the following weekend at each other’s places and then started seeing each other on a Wednesday evening too after the second weekend, it increased from there. We’re 4 years down the line now, engaged, with 1 DC. Go with what feels right for you.

Original poster
GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 16:33

Sodthesystem · 02/02/2025 16:02

Based in your updates op, have you actually taken time single? To heal etc...
You say you don't know what's normal and have a history of abuse. So - this isn't really the time to be dating, is it?
You've got to do the work first and learn how to spot dangerous sorts. Alongside any kind of boundary work too. Eg: healing codependency issues. Hit the books. Maybe get some therapy.

You don't know this guy so even if you did just want sex so be aware that staying over at his house is still a massive risk.

I have been having therapy for 5 years, I think in that time I have healed a lot in regards to going from seeing DC every day and being their main carer, to having to co-parent (or parallel-parent) with someone who's really difficult and unpleasant. Have now started working on the time I was actually with my ex, and that he was abusive before we split up. Although obviously it's not a linear process and I bounce around a bit.
I was single for 3 years, then had holiday fling, then situationship which I ended last summer. So I think that I have taken time to be single and got used to it, although I suppose I miss the sex and also the companionship that a relationship brings.

OP posts:
Pyjamatimenow · 02/02/2025 16:35

I would only meet once a week and I wouldn’t travel to them for at least a month. They’d have to come to me and no staying over unless you’re just wanting a fling

Sodthesystem · 02/02/2025 16:35

GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 16:26

Thanks so much for all the replies.
It is very hard balancing sexual frustration with being sensible.
I think I might book a hotel room when I meet him in London. And see what he is like on the second date.

Depending on what you can afford...if it was central London I'd hold off a few more. Imagine spending 100 quid on a room and on date two you find out he's a bad kisser/all his exs 'are crazy'/he's rude to waitresses etc... ick.

Original poster
GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 16:37

RachelLikesTea · 02/02/2025 16:27

I took dating adter my marriage ended really slowly. My dc were young teens. We had 7 dates before I stayed overnight at his. It was easy to go slowly though because he lives 2 hours away. He didn’t meet my dc until ocer 6 months and very briefly at first. Take it really slowly and let the relationship build would be my advice and if he’s feeling as though he’d like a commitment relationship, he’ll have no problem with that.

Yes yes definitely agree with the long wait before meeting kids. ExH has had numerous new 'partners' who've met DC, got to know them, forced to hang out with the new partner's kids and then they just vanish from their lives. It is horrible for DC and I feel for them but I can't do anything about it. So I would not want DC to meet any new partner of mine unless I was sure it was really serious and likely to last.

7 dates is nice. Maybe I should wait a bit longer then.

X

OP posts:
Crushed23 · 02/02/2025 16:38

You can't tell after one date whether you're being lovebombed.

I'm actually being lovebombed at the moment - 3 dates, slept together, constant messages, buying me things for my apartment, wanting to "look after" and "protect" me etc.

Luckily I view this as a FWB setup rather than a serious relationship, so I'm just sitting back and enjoying the lovebombing.

Also, not all lovebombing is intentional or manipulative - some men just have a protector complex and want to treat you like a princess. They don't realise how suffocating it can be.

Original poster
GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 16:43

I think that is a really good point - my best friend was love-bombed but she (and I) don't really think it was intentional - he was just an intense person. She did find it extremely suffocating though and had to end it because he wanted to move in and she wanted something more casual.

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 02/02/2025 16:43

GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 16:33

I have been having therapy for 5 years, I think in that time I have healed a lot in regards to going from seeing DC every day and being their main carer, to having to co-parent (or parallel-parent) with someone who's really difficult and unpleasant. Have now started working on the time I was actually with my ex, and that he was abusive before we split up. Although obviously it's not a linear process and I bounce around a bit.
I was single for 3 years, then had holiday fling, then situationship which I ended last summer. So I think that I have taken time to be single and got used to it, although I suppose I miss the sex and also the companionship that a relationship brings.

Show quote history

The thing is though...there was no vetting (arguably understandable with holiday fling tbf) and Mr situationship treated you like trash and you just...went with it. So you may be used to being single and over your ex but you still seem to be ignoring red flags, taking mad risks and more importantly- not removing bad men quickly enough once they present as what they are.

Thats why you may need to do some practical work on how to spot red flags and abuse. You don't just have to learn as you go. There's lots of books on the subject of spotting red flags. A popular one recommended on here is 'why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft. He was a man who worked with abusers and documented his findings.

Like don't tell yourself you have to go into these things blind and hope for the best you'll spot rotten apples. Arm yourself first to make it easier to see them.

LaPam · 02/02/2025 16:48

Op, he may be keen, don’t think he is love bombarding you at all, but honestly… can you get to know some one enough to build a healthy relationship when you have so little time for them?

I am strongly against people telling lone mums to wait until their kids leave the nest but I would say that, in your circumstances, you may be much better off waiting until you have a little bit more availability/childcare/children’s clubs that allow you more time with the person you are dating, otherwise how are going to see the guy in the good times and the bad ones when you see so little of him? Would you be heartbroken if they leave because you are hardly ever available?

xRobin · 02/02/2025 16:48

GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 15:30

Matched with someone on the apps. He lives in Zone 2 of London; I live on the commuter line about an hour to Central London by train. We had a date on Friday half way between London and where I live. Was really nice, had a drink and a meal, I got train home after. No red flags during the date. Have agreed to meet again week after next (DCs are with their dad alternate weekends) in London, with me staying over. He has been texting me quite a bit. English not his first language but it is pretty good. Now he is suggesting meeting for coffee after work as well. I can't do this apart from Wednesdays when DC are with their dad. I have found being away from DC really hard so generally try to keep Wednesdays busy so am seeing a friend. But can do next Wednesday.

I guess I am just wondering how often do you meet people at the start when you're 'dating?'

This doesn’t sound like love bombing but it’s very early days.
If he started showing up with extravagant gifts or offering to pay for your train journeys so you can meet him more often, that then might be a red flag.
Also keep an eye on any “oh so you’re choosing to see your friend instead of getting to know me more” messages.
If none of that happens, meeting up every other weekend and for coffee in the week sounds nice x

Original poster
GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 16:51

That's all true to be fair @sodthesystem The therapy has not addressed relationships going forward as much as coping with me no longer being with kids full-time and also dealing with long-ago relationship.

I do have a copy of Why does he do that? which I read whilst I was with my now-exH (as previous ex had also been abusive, the one I have discussed in therapy) and I re-read again after we split up. It was chilling how both exes were described to a tee. I found it really fucked with my mental health especially the first time I read it as it was so triggering. But I do still think it's a brilliant book and Lundy Bancroft is a star.

OP posts:
niadainud · 02/02/2025 16:53

I don't see anything remotely weird about suggesting an after-work coffee a week on Wednesday (if I've understood correctly), especially when you're only free every other weekend and there are limited opportunities to meet.

Having said that, I don't quite understand why you had to make an arrangement during your first date to staying over next time you meet. Is this to do with transport back to where you live? Did you feel that he put pressure on you to agree to this so that you would feel you had to sleep with him?

Original poster
GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 16:58

LaPam · 02/02/2025 16:48

Op, he may be keen, don’t think he is love bombarding you at all, but honestly… can you get to know some one enough to build a healthy relationship when you have so little time for them?

I am strongly against people telling lone mums to wait until their kids leave the nest but I would say that, in your circumstances, you may be much better off waiting until you have a little bit more availability/childcare/children’s clubs that allow you more time with the person you are dating, otherwise how are going to see the guy in the good times and the bad ones when you see so little of him? Would you be heartbroken if they leave because you are hardly ever available?

This is harsh but valid...

I suppose I would want a relationship where I would be able to see someone in the weekends where DC are with their dad, and the weeknight when they are with their dad, and the half of the school holidays when they are with him (which is about 6 weeks of the year). I wouldn't want this guy, or any guy, to meet the DC for a long time. I guess we need to have these conversations sooner rather than later, as yeah I would be broken hearted if I was really into someone and they broke it off because of my commitments to my kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 17:01

niadainud · 02/02/2025 16:53

I don't see anything remotely weird about suggesting an after-work coffee a week on Wednesday (if I've understood correctly), especially when you're only free every other weekend and there are limited opportunities to meet.

Having said that, I don't quite understand why you had to make an arrangement during your first date to staying over next time you meet. Is this to do with transport back to where you live? Did you feel that he put pressure on you to agree to this so that you would feel you had to sleep with him?

I think it was due to transport as it's a pain to get back to my home after about 9pm.
He suggested it when we were texting yesterday after the date on Friday, he said would I like to come to London and if I wanted I could stay overnight and I (hastily, in hindsight!!) said OK. I don't think he was putting pressure on me to sleep with him but at the same time I kind of do want to sleep with him as it's been a really long time and I miss having sex.

OP posts:
User7288339 · 02/02/2025 17:02

On the face of it, no I don’t think someone you’ve just met is love bombing you by suggesting you meet up again sooner than in a fortnight. At that early heady stage if I really liked them I’d be keener to see them sooner again too. But if it feels too much for you then that’s okay.

suburberphobe · 02/02/2025 17:08

Have agreed to meet again week after next (DCs are with their dad alternate weekends) in London, with me staying over.

Oh, please don't do this! You don't even know the guy!

Original poster
GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 17:42

User7288339 · 02/02/2025 17:02

On the face of it, no I don’t think someone you’ve just met is love bombing you by suggesting you meet up again sooner than in a fortnight. At that early heady stage if I really liked them I’d be keener to see them sooner again too. But if it feels too much for you then that’s okay.

I would like v much to see him again sooner, it is just that I've paid for my activity with my friend and anyway on principle can't let her down just for a date.

I said that I can't do a different weekday this week and now he has gone quiet anyway, so I'm feeling a bit silly for even starting the thread to be honest 😳

OP posts:
Original poster
GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 17:44

suburberphobe · 02/02/2025 17:08

Have agreed to meet again week after next (DCs are with their dad alternate weekends) in London, with me staying over.

Oh, please don't do this! You don't even know the guy!

I think I won't do this now, thanks to the advice on here as it is a bit reckless. I think I will book a hotel in London instead (if it even goes ahead!)

OP posts:
LaPam · 02/02/2025 17:49

GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 16:58

This is harsh but valid...

I suppose I would want a relationship where I would be able to see someone in the weekends where DC are with their dad, and the weeknight when they are with their dad, and the half of the school holidays when they are with him (which is about 6 weeks of the year). I wouldn't want this guy, or any guy, to meet the DC for a long time. I guess we need to have these conversations sooner rather than later, as yeah I would be broken hearted if I was really into someone and they broke it off because of my commitments to my kids.

Show quote history

Let’s make this clear, people looking for a relationship want someone who is available, if you are not available because of your work schedule, traveling, your financial situation or family commitments.. they are not breaking with you because you have kids, they break with because you have no time. Period.

Personally, I do love to see men commited to their children and being great as parents, in fact, I wouldn’t date a man who didn’t put his children first, but I am not looking for a dad, I am looking for a partner so, if he has no time for me… well, he has no time for me… the children are a red herring.

Collette78 · 02/02/2025 18:02

@LaPam whilst that may be your preference that doesn’t mean to say it’s everyone’s.

People manage relationships with all kinds of variable including limited schedules, you are coming across as unnecessarily overbearing in the context of what OP was asking,

It’s OP (and her potential relationships) choice what schedule and contact suits them… not everyone needs to be with someone all the time which can actually be super suffocating and off putting.

User7288339 · 02/02/2025 18:07

GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 16:58

This is harsh but valid...

I suppose I would want a relationship where I would be able to see someone in the weekends where DC are with their dad, and the weeknight when they are with their dad, and the half of the school holidays when they are with him (which is about 6 weeks of the year). I wouldn't want this guy, or any guy, to meet the DC for a long time. I guess we need to have these conversations sooner rather than later, as yeah I would be broken hearted if I was really into someone and they broke it off because of my commitments to my kids.

Show quote history

It is possible, it might work best if it’s someone who has also got kids and has them with him some of the time (then you just need your child free weekends to align 😆)

I have someone I see alternate weekends plus a couple of lunchtimes a week (wfh). Suits us both as we’ve both got kids and not on a pathway to blending families or anything.
but he does live quite close by which makes it easier. Also our kids are old enough we can leave them for an hour so do often have a quick walk together on the weekends we have the kids.

But I’m saying, yes someone with no commitments themselves may well want someone more available than you. But there will be guys out there in a similar boat.

LaPam · 02/02/2025 18:08

Collette78 · 02/02/2025 18:02

@LaPam whilst that may be your preference that doesn’t mean to say it’s everyone’s.

People manage relationships with all kinds of variable including limited schedules, you are coming across as unnecessarily overbearing in the context of what OP was asking,

It’s OP (and her potential relationships) choice what schedule and contact suits them… not everyone needs to be with someone all the time which can actually be super suffocating and off putting.

Oh no, I don’t take it like that, what I mean is that there are two people in a relationship. The needs of both need to be considered, not only ours.

Sodthesystem · 02/02/2025 19:48

GotAGoodThing · 02/02/2025 16:51

That's all true to be fair @sodthesystem The therapy has not addressed relationships going forward as much as coping with me no longer being with kids full-time and also dealing with long-ago relationship.

I do have a copy of Why does he do that? which I read whilst I was with my now-exH (as previous ex had also been abusive, the one I have discussed in therapy) and I re-read again after we split up. It was chilling how both exes were described to a tee. I found it really fucked with my mental health especially the first time I read it as it was so triggering. But I do still think it's a brilliant book and Lundy Bancroft is a star.

Yes I think its a really hard read. Wouldn't recommend it for people in or just coming out of something abusive tbh. But before starting to date again I think its a useful one, even though its gruelling.

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