He was on Tinder - 3years together

[MorningAdviceTinder]

I’ve name changed for this.
My partner of three years was on Tinder. I discovered this by chance two weeks ago when a notification came up on his phone when he was showing me a link on his phone. I was shocked. He told me I was being childish. I had a panic attack because of all the lies and cheating I’ve been through in other relationships. He told me it was nothing. He had new matches on the notification. I left his place. We live in different towns. He didn’t hug me. He then said he’d left Tinder when he called me. We were to meet today but he phoned me and said that I shouldn’t meet him because he’s unhappy with being made to get the bad guy. I’ve not blamed him at all. I told him I feel a lack of trust. I feel sad that for all the time we were together he was on Tinder.
What should I do? We’ve had our families which are grown up. We both live separately.

You obviously dump him unless you want an open relationship.

Please get some help for your anxiety.

You should end the relationship. He’s on tinder matching with other women. What more do you need to know? Get an STD check.

Good points. Will do the std check.

What should you do?

He was chatting on you or at least trying to.

You leave him. How could you ever trust him again? Why would you even try to?

He doesn't care about you or love you. If he did he wouldn't have been on tinder!

Then he's gaslighted you into feeling guilty for being upset that he's trying to fuck other women!

I’ve thought of getting help for anxiety. I shall do that. Good point

His reaction to you finding out says it all: he behaves badly but he turns it all round to you being in the wrong for being upset.

You have found out who he is. And you deserve so much better than this horrible cheating specimen.

Thanks for setting it out clearly. Agree

If the notification hadn’t of come up then I wouldn’t have known and he’d still be on tinder. I am upset. Thank you

You will be feeling rubbish today but if you don’t break up with him you’ll be feeling rubbish for a lot longer.You deserve better.

I can’t believe the deception and then telling me he feels bad. Lots to think on

Look up DARVO.

Deny the charges made
Attack the accuser, verbally
Reverse the victim and offender role so in this case you are to blame not him.

This is a classic case.

I’ll look it up. Thanks. He called me early this morning and shouted at me. He wouldn’t let me speak. It does seem to fit. I am emotionally vulnerable due to past experiences but I had felt fine these three years mostly.

Just block him now, for your own mental health.

He has had several opportunities to apologise and has instead attacked you.

Even if he had apologised, no words can make up for his sneaky actions.

So it pointless thinking about him.

Get angry, put your energy into taking care of yourself but don't give him any bandwidth.

Edit: think about some therapy maybe, some people get a form of ptsd due to cheating so you may benefit from some EMDR therapy to help with your anxiety/potential panic attacks.

What should you do?

he’s clearly hoping that other experiences in your life have left an enduring lack of self worth and emotional confidence so that he can now effectively be signed off carrying on having his cake and eating it: ie having some sort of relationship with you and shagging other woman except not in secret anymore.

anyone who would happily exploit your emotional vulnerabilities to feather their own nest is not someone who has your interest at heart. The fact that this is in the context of an actual intimate relationship of three years is utterly deplorable.

when someone shows you who they are believe them.

The support here is so helpful. Thank you. I feel very shaken up. He never said any thing complementary to me. He was always over friendly with others and ignoring me. I felt like calling him back or messaging him but I won’t. I’m going to watch a whole load of Netflix.

True. He knew about my past. What a situation. I feel so sad that three years was an illusion for me and just a good time for him. The true side of him revealed.

He's been caught out and now he's gaslighting you and pretending he's the victim. Ditch him op you can never be happy here.

That sounds like a very good choice. Avoid anything romantic or otherwise triggering.

What you're describing is a type of "negging" behaviour, which just confirms you're well rid of him.

Well done for not responding, stay strong. We're rooting for you!

He's a really nasty piece of work. It's great that you don't live together or near each other.

I'm sorry OP it's a horrible thing to go through but at least you know the truth now. Honestly, better alone than badly accompanied.

I thought he’d say sorry for the hurt caused. He just said that we shouldn’t meet today because he feels bad to be made to feel like he’s the bad guy. I only spoke to him about Tinder when I found out (it was emotional) and then continued normally. I said that I’m staying at my place to rest as I’ve not been able to sleep well since I found out. This wasn’t acceptable. He doesn’t like my place (it’s a really nice place with every comfort) so he never stays here. I said that I wouldn’t stay at his place tonight. This has caused the call this morning saying no to meeting up.

You’re right. Thanks for replying.

Silence is the most powerful thing you can do, he'll hate it that you aren't fighting for him, he won't apologise as he knows he is in wrong with what he's done, not you, leave him to his seedy lifestyle.

Truth. I’ll have to adjust to being by myself. I feel like I’ve been tricked for three years. Thinking it through.

"Made to feel like the bad guy"?

He IS the bad guy!

Please don't continue seeing him or speaking to him OP.

He sounds vile.Trying to put the blame on you when he was found out and then shouting at you shows what a nasty piece of work he is. Stay strong and don't engage further. You've honestly had a lucky escape as this could have gone on for years otherwise. You may well find your anxiety diminishes significantly with him out of the picture!