He was on Tinder - 3years together

[MorningAdviceTinder]

I’ve name changed for this.
My partner of three years was on Tinder. I discovered this by chance two weeks ago when a notification came up on his phone when he was showing me a link on his phone. I was shocked. He told me I was being childish. I had a panic attack because of all the lies and cheating I’ve been through in other relationships. He told me it was nothing. He had new matches on the notification. I left his place. We live in different towns. He didn’t hug me. He then said he’d left Tinder when he called me. We were to meet today but he phoned me and said that I shouldn’t meet him because he’s unhappy with being made to get the bad guy. I’ve not blamed him at all. I told him I feel a lack of trust. I feel sad that for all the time we were together he was on Tinder.
What should I do? We’ve had our families which are grown up. We both live separately.

I won’t message or call him. I feel like I should call and apologise but that’s the twisted emotional effects I am now aware of from the posts here. He has many friends and I know he’ll say that I blamed him for cheating and poor him. He’ll get a lot of sympathy.

The cheating should have been an instant dealbreaker.

His behaviour afterwards is way way worse.

You'll be sad today, a bit less soon, and in a short while you'll be very pleased you found out and we're able to be free of him, he's horrible. He has shown you that everything will always be your fault, and he will permanently have a victim mentality.

It’s going to be tough. I hope that I’ll feel better soon from anxiety. I’m a strong person but I feel shaken.

It's perfectly normal to be shaken op. Of course you are. Allow it. Watch your Netflix but put your phone in a different room. Hide it. Let it run out of battery.

I know someone ( female) who did this almost like a sport/entertainment - didn't actually want a relationship, just got an ego buzz from all the notifications- some bloody odd people out there -and Hes a disgrace OP -

He says that he wasn’t cheating by being on Tinder. I said that he had a profile, what he’s looking for and interests and new matches. I’ve not been on Tinder but I know it’s a contact and meeting app. To me it’s not acceptable to be on Tinder and in a relationship. He’ll make it to be me the bad person with his friends. He won’t say the whole story. A victim and sympathy. It’s wrong. I feel sad to have been in the delusion of all being ok. Thank you for your advice.

It’s almost out of battery - I’ll put it away. I’ll go out for a walk soon as well. I’m rewatching a series as I don’t have to focus so much.

He says that he wasn’t cheating by being on Tinder.

What an absolute twat he is. You should have laughed in his face at that! Tinder is a dating website, of course it's cheating. It's the intent to cheat if someone will have him. It's not an excuse that no one wanted him!

He does like attention from women. It could be this but then he should have told me. Let me know so I wouldn’t be going through this. I would have said that I disagree with tinder and being in a relationship with me. All the messages from women and him replying it makes me sick.

Don't worry about what his friends think. If they say anything 'that twat was on tinder'

He said that he wasn’t cheating and I was being childish for being upset (emotional reaction). I don’t know if he communicated with women there - I suppose so because he’s not said anything about this aspect. To me being on a dating site is not right in a relationship. What a deception.

You are correct op, it's not acceptable at all.
It's about the intent.

Don't take any of his words to heart. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. He's just trying to gaslight you.

Yes. I won’t be meeting up with his friends after this. I don’t think that the truth will cone out. He’ll get lots of sympathy.

You have no reason to stay, you live separately, have no children together you aren't married, you just say, "Out relationship is over, good luck in life" (ya prick) - optional 🤣 I wouldn't meet him and hear him out, or try and reconcile, leave him in the dirt, move on!

At the moment you feel anxious, shocked and distressed at being cheated on.

All of those feelings and emotional turmoil will be lifted once you dump him.

He’ll get lots of sympathy.

Don't worry about this op, he might, he might not, who cares, just focus on moving on yourself.

It’s a difficult moment to realise about the gaslighting and emotional aspect. I’d not thought of that until writing on here.

I just wish that someone could explain to him what he’s done. I need to disconnect and move forward. It’s hard though. Taking it easy today.

He knows what he's done but he dosnt care, which is why he's playing it off like it's nothing

He knows what he's done but he dosnt care, which is why he's playing it off like it's nothing

bet if you were on tinder it would be a different story, because that hurts him

That is the power I have. I’ll stay strong. I’ll just move on. That’s none of my business. It’s all a mindset. What a waste of three years.

OP the fact he is a cheat is a shock but what should be of far greater concern was that he was abusive, gaslighting scum.

Be so glad you have found out now.
He's a bad man.
Stay the hell away from him.

He’s ruined his relationship with me. If only I’d not wasted my time. I’ll stay away.

Seriously what should you do ?
Your 3 year relationship is a LIE he is sleeping around and not commited to you
He is manipulating you , gaslighting you and playing game soemthing your heart and life.
Ditch him and block him today and deleted his number .

You can explain it to him op if it will make you feel happier. One closure text followed by an instant block. I'll start you off, and then other more articulate posters can make it better for the perfect text for you if you want.

'I am ending our relationship, and blocking you. I don't ever want to hear from you again. Your being on tinder is an intent to cheat, which is a deal breaker for me. You then made it even worse, by not even apologising but instead dismissed my feelings and gaslit me in to pretending you had done nothing wrong. You had. I am worth far far more than being treated so badly.'