He was on Tinder - 3years together

[MorningAdviceTinder]

I’ve name changed for this.
My partner of three years was on Tinder. I discovered this by chance two weeks ago when a notification came up on his phone when he was showing me a link on his phone. I was shocked. He told me I was being childish. I had a panic attack because of all the lies and cheating I’ve been through in other relationships. He told me it was nothing. He had new matches on the notification. I left his place. We live in different towns. He didn’t hug me. He then said he’d left Tinder when he called me. We were to meet today but he phoned me and said that I shouldn’t meet him because he’s unhappy with being made to get the bad guy. I’ve not blamed him at all. I told him I feel a lack of trust. I feel sad that for all the time we were together he was on Tinder.
What should I do? We’ve had our families which are grown up. We both live separately.

That’s very helpful. I’ve been thinking what to write.

I would bet anything this has been going on for a lot longer than just 'happening' when you found it out...

Please let go of any idea that he will see your point of view and feel sorry - he never will. Don't try to explain or justify or pester him for 'closure' - never gonna happen. He will double down to maintain his own sense of self, and to keep control over you - because it's clear he's been controlling - things like refusing to visit your comfortable home, where he isn't 'boss'... 🙄

The only real closure is to pick yourself up, lick your wounds, go forward and find a better life than with this loser - he's history!

If I’d not found out it would still be going on. All the three years it was happening. So - relationship with me and always new matches. I’d thought of his inability to spend time at my place and I had thought it’s because it’s not his place. I feel that I’d like him to realise what he’s done to me. I suppose I’d be wasting my time. I wish that I could have identified him for his character correctly.

@MorningAdviceTinder (tough love coming)

Give your head the biggest wobble, the biggest shake, the biggest rattle and WAKE UP!!!!!

Your dp has been on tinder and is making it seem like you’re the problem? can’t you see he is GASLIGHTING you. He has been dishonest and he was looking for other women(men?). He is showing you that he cannot be and will not be committed to you.

He was looking for an opportunity to cheat. He wasn’t respectful of you or your relationship. On top of that he is now being emotionally abusive and making it seem like you are the problem.

This is how years of emotional abuse and cheating starts in the relationship.

It’s sad that you need people to tell you this and that you don’t know this…but LEAVE. RUN RUN RUN and don’t ever go back to him

'All the three years it was happening'?! Oh girl... The guy is a walking pox, run now and save yourself!

A better life and a better love are out there for you - he's been holding you back - you can do SO much better! That, if you want it, is the way to make him 'sorry'! Thrive without him!

Posting here has really helped. I see the situation now. I feel sad. I would have replied the same for others but for me being in the situation I couldn’t make sense of it. I didn’t know about Three years wasted and being tricked.

I caught my ex on there. He claimed it was from before we met… 6 years previously.

Get in the bin was my response.

I’ll go back to being just me. Doing my things. I find it unbelievable this has happened.

Thank you for the kind responses.
I’m going out for some fresh air and a coffee. I appreciate the other look onto my situation. I can’t believe this has happened.

I’m sorry this has happened to you. It’s really tough.

You’ll be just fine 🙂

@MorningAdviceTinder yes I find some men ( and some women too) seem to need to feel 'I've still got it' -even when in a perfectly good relationship. I kept saying to my friend why do you do this? And she said 'getting responses lifts my day - keeps my repartee sharp' - it's not you lovely, it's him -

Turning it round on you is something abusive men do to women to get away with appalling behaviour. It’s called DARVO. Have a google. Sorry this has happened to you but now you know you can make informed choices about your future.

I'm sorry but there is literally not one feasible reason anyone in a 3 year monogamous relationship should have a live tinder account. There is absolutely no way on earth any sane person could blame you for his behaviour here.
No further discussion needed, he's a cheat and a liar and a manipulative abuser to boot.
Don't doubt your sanity!🌸

Thanks for the support. I’ve been out for a walk. It all feels very quiet. I’m not thinking on it all. Still seems unreal that three years is down the drain because I was lead to believe all was fine.

I agree with other posters, leave him now. For future reference, when things start getting serious, you need to have THE conversation. I had it around 10 month mark when I felt I was starting to really fall in love with my guy. I simply said (note, he had first told me he loved me) "I feel it's time we both came off the dating apps, what do you think? It's just that I don't want to waste any more time and I want a committed relationship. If that's not for you, I understand, and we'll go our separate ways and remain just friends". Easy. He deleted all the apps there and then and so did I. Why is it so hard to make it clear what is important to you and ask for it? Remember, you're not forcing him to do anything, you are simply saying what you want. If he decides no, then that's your cue to do the right thing by you and exercise your right to walk away, with self respect intact.

@Anna1mac This is an old thread. I really hope the OP is well and truly over this loser by now.

I really suspect she took him back.

I just realised it, my bad. MN recommended threads and I never realised how old this was 🙈 still, my advice stands and I hope she'll deploy it in her next relationship.

I really hope not, at least not without making sure all the apps were deleted.... And he should have been doing some serious grovelling, maybe even take her to a nice holiday...