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Original poster

How would this make you feel?

57 replies

Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 09:01

My boyfriend is a quiet guy, very passive which is obviously just how he has always been but in some situations it makes me feel like he doesn’t care.

an example- i have been having health issues past week or so that requires a brain scan. I’ve been worried about it and have been talking to him (or at him?) about it. I got the call yesterday about the appointment I’ve been long waiting for, it was while we were in the car together parked. I had the call on loudspeaker so i could write down the details of the appointment. It was very obviously the long awaited appointment and I was smiling and gave him the thumbs up as in “yes!! Finally!”. After the call he did not mention it or talk about it. I brought it up to him. Later that night I said to him why don’t you ever mention things like see how I am about getting the appointment, comment that it’s good it’s finally came round etc. his response was that it was a private phone call and if I wanted to talk to him about it I would.
i also asked him if he would come with me to it and he said “yeah sure if that’s what you want”.
it resulted in a semi argument where I said he doesn’t feel like he cares too much about me when he doesn’t sound too keen to come with me. He said he would never assume he would be going with me to things and would wait until I ask him. I said well surely I would want my boyfriend of 2 years to be there with me when I’ve been anxiously waiting for this appointment and talking to you about it for 2 weeks.

these may sound trivial but it’s hard to express how it is.

another example is after an interview- he won’t text or call to see how it goes but will wait until I do as he says “I don’t want to ask in case you don’t want to talk about it so I’ll wait until you bring it up”.

none of these things are things I wouldn’t want to talk to him about and I’m sure he knows that.

i think especially with the appointment it would be nice for him to check in with me after to see how I feel about it, see if I want him to come with me and just generally support me. There’s no way he thought it was a private conversation when it was on loudspeaker and I was giving him thumbs up and he knew I was waiting for this appointment. Then to just totally ignore it is strange

OP posts:
Rachmorr57 · 30/01/2025 09:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 09:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Maybe we are just different personalities.
I do talk away to him, I don’t always wait to be asked but it would be nice to have him ask and show some interest in things especially if he’s aware they are important to me. To totally not mention something just seems uncaring

OP posts:
Nevervisible · 30/01/2025 09:10

It sounds as though he is one of those people who is not particularly interested in others and their lives.

You on the other expect those that are supposed to care about you to take an active interest. Which I think is the normal expectation in a relationship.

It really sounds as though the two of you are incompatible because I can't see him changing this mindset and you will find his attitude increasingly hurtful. Especially if you ever have children.

I hope you get a good outcome from your brain scan OP.

Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 09:11

Nevervisible · 30/01/2025 09:10

It sounds as though he is one of those people who is not particularly interested in others and their lives.

You on the other expect those that are supposed to care about you to take an active interest. Which I think is the normal expectation in a relationship.

It really sounds as though the two of you are incompatible because I can't see him changing this mindset and you will find his attitude increasingly hurtful. Especially if you ever have children.

I hope you get a good outcome from your brain scan OP.

thank you, I hope so too.

I think because he is quite passive he just waits for things to be told or happen to him. But it’s frustrating to me on the receiving end of, day to day I can deal with it but when it’s important/ potentially life changing things it comes up cold and uncaring to just not even ask

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 30/01/2025 09:12

So if he were to see a doctor would he tell you about it straight away? Does he behave as he wants to be treated?

The way he behaves really wouldn't suit me at all.

Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 09:13

healthybychristmas · 30/01/2025 09:12

So if he were to see a doctor would he tell you about it straight away? Does he behave as he wants to be treated?

The way he behaves really wouldn't suit me at all.

Yes he probably would…I think. or I would at least check in and see how it went for him because I care that way

OP posts:
jotex · 30/01/2025 09:13

Is he generally affectionate in other ways? Tbh both examples you’ve given don’t paint a good picture, they show an insane lack of interest on his part.

Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 09:16

jotex · 30/01/2025 09:13

Is he generally affectionate in other ways? Tbh both examples you’ve given don’t paint a good picture, they show an insane lack of interest on his part.

The thing is I do genuinely believe he cares and is interested but how he acts is like he doesn’t. I can tell he’s worried about me health when I do bring it up and we talk about it. But he just doesn’t initiate any conversations like that or even assume he would come with me to appointments

OP posts:
Alalalala · 30/01/2025 09:29

It doesn’t matter if he loves you more than anyone has ever loved anyone if he doesn’t express it to you, doesn’t manifest it in a way which allows you to experience that love. It’s the same as him not giving a shit about you if he never shows you.

His love for you is an experience he’s keeping to himself and it doesn’t warm you or lift your life enough.

Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 09:32

Alalalala · 30/01/2025 09:29

It doesn’t matter if he loves you more than anyone has ever loved anyone if he doesn’t express it to you, doesn’t manifest it in a way which allows you to experience that love. It’s the same as him not giving a shit about you if he never shows you.

His love for you is an experience he’s keeping to himself and it doesn’t warm you or lift your life enough.

Yes that’s very true.
that’s a good way of putting it.

even on a very simple level- we went to the cinema and afterwards I thought to myself I will see if he asks anything about the film or if I enjoyed it. Nope- not a mention, I usually ask did he like it etc but I purposely didn’t and the film was never mentioned again

OP posts:
ThoseWhoDance · 30/01/2025 09:45

To be honest, that kind of passivity is really hard to live with over time - I have been married to someone like this for over 20 years and it has driven me to distraction, both from an emotional and a practical point of view. It can leave you feeling so unheard and so unsupported, particularly once you have children. You end up making all the decisions about everything, from the smallest to the most major. My husband is also physically very undemonstrative and I have had to teach him to show affection to our children (who I know he does love, but just doesn't show it). I am pretty emotionally independent and don't need a great deal of input, but the lack of enthusiasm, engagement and apparent lack of interest in anyone else, has worn me down over the years - to the extent that now the children are leaving home, I don't know if I want to continue to live in an emotional desert.....

jotex · 30/01/2025 10:23

Sorry OP, I’m speaking from (recent) experience when I say that this isn’t a recipe for a long and happy relationship. Sure, it might work for some couples like a poster above has said, but you both obviously have different sensibilities and I think his response to you is pretty telling (no mention that he will try next time to be more interested etc).

Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 10:49

ThoseWhoDance · 30/01/2025 09:45

To be honest, that kind of passivity is really hard to live with over time - I have been married to someone like this for over 20 years and it has driven me to distraction, both from an emotional and a practical point of view. It can leave you feeling so unheard and so unsupported, particularly once you have children. You end up making all the decisions about everything, from the smallest to the most major. My husband is also physically very undemonstrative and I have had to teach him to show affection to our children (who I know he does love, but just doesn't show it). I am pretty emotionally independent and don't need a great deal of input, but the lack of enthusiasm, engagement and apparent lack of interest in anyone else, has worn me down over the years - to the extent that now the children are leaving home, I don't know if I want to continue to live in an emotional desert.....

Sounds very sad for you :(

OP posts:
Alalalala · 30/01/2025 10:53

It sounds very boring as well as leaving you feeling that he doesn’t care and isn’t interested.

You’d have had more fun seeing the film with a female friend and discussing it afterwards over a drink.

Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 11:17

Alalalala · 30/01/2025 10:53

It sounds very boring as well as leaving you feeling that he doesn’t care and isn’t interested.

You’d have had more fun seeing the film with a female friend and discussing it afterwards over a drink.

Yeah 100%. I mentioned a trip away and he said yeah let’s do it and in my head I thought I’d rather go with a friend

OP posts:
Lifestooshort71 · 30/01/2025 11:26

You're two different types and I don't see that either need to change (almost impossible to do it organically anyway) so it's more a case of are you OK being with someone like this long term. Imagine him starting a thread on here describing how you are towards him and being unhappy about it - what would the responses be?

Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 11:36

Lifestooshort71 · 30/01/2025 11:26

You're two different types and I don't see that either need to change (almost impossible to do it organically anyway) so it's more a case of are you OK being with someone like this long term. Imagine him starting a thread on here describing how you are towards him and being unhappy about it - what would the responses be?

Well I suppose they would say we aren’t compatible but I guess the difference is I am actively interested in him and show him

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 30/01/2025 11:40

Lifestooshort71 · 30/01/2025 11:26

You're two different types and I don't see that either need to change (almost impossible to do it organically anyway) so it's more a case of are you OK being with someone like this long term. Imagine him starting a thread on here describing how you are towards him and being unhappy about it - what would the responses be?

I agree with this to be honest, I don’t think he’s necessarily doing anything wrong he’s just different to you.

Some people like to chat about things like appointments and interviews, some people don’t, and so some people would appreciate him not mentioning it unless it’s brought up. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong, or that he’s wrong, you’re just different.

Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 11:42

Mrsttcno1 · 30/01/2025 11:40

I agree with this to be honest, I don’t think he’s necessarily doing anything wrong he’s just different to you.

Some people like to chat about things like appointments and interviews, some people don’t, and so some people would appreciate him not mentioning it unless it’s brought up. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong, or that he’s wrong, you’re just different.

Show quote history

Yes we are different but I guess I’m asking how it would make you feel in a relationship. I’m sure for most people not great

OP posts:
Iaminthefly · 30/01/2025 11:42

I could not cope with a man like your boyfriend.

He's never going to change. This is who he is. You deserve someone who is interested in you. Does he ever ask you questions about anything to do with you and your life?

So many men are like this. No interest outside of what's right in front of their faces.

Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 11:44

Iaminthefly · 30/01/2025 11:42

I could not cope with a man like your boyfriend.

He's never going to change. This is who he is. You deserve someone who is interested in you. Does he ever ask you questions about anything to do with you and your life?

So many men are like this. No interest outside of what's right in front of their faces.

I remember when we first met and had dates I would ask questions trying to get to know him like if he’s travelled anywhere of interest and he would answer and not ask the question back which was odd

OP posts:
Iaminthefly · 30/01/2025 11:49

Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 11:44

I remember when we first met and had dates I would ask questions trying to get to know him like if he’s travelled anywhere of interest and he would answer and not ask the question back which was odd

Show quote history

Well there you have it. He's a man who has no real interest in who the womans he's dated/partnered with is.

He is not alone. SO many men are like this. I don't even bother dating men anymore because I was so fed up with doing all the heavy lifting in this area.

The whole "I was waiting for you to mention it" is just a cover up to excuse their lack of interest. Your boyfriend sounds very much like my brother. He never asks me a single thing about my life or my DCs. Then when I pull him on it he'll say he doesn't like to pry. It's absolute nonsense.

Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 11:50

Iaminthefly · 30/01/2025 11:49

Well there you have it. He's a man who has no real interest in who the womans he's dated/partnered with is.

He is not alone. SO many men are like this. I don't even bother dating men anymore because I was so fed up with doing all the heavy lifting in this area.

The whole "I was waiting for you to mention it" is just a cover up to excuse their lack of interest. Your boyfriend sounds very much like my brother. He never asks me a single thing about my life or my DCs. Then when I pull him on it he'll say he doesn't like to pry. It's absolute nonsense.

Show quote history

Yes exactly. This is my first experience of a man like this and I have always put it down to him being shy/quiet but now when it really matters I do not feel supported

OP posts:
Fiery30 · 30/01/2025 11:51

He seems to be minding his own business and taking that attitude too far. I could not get along with someone who shows such disinterest in my life. It clearly demonstrates a lack of genuineness, warmth, and care. If he has been the same for 2 years, then that itself would be a worrying sign for me. Has he not understood that it is an issue for you? Does he not share stuff either, unless you specifically ask him about it? It's almost like sitting on the fence, "how was I to know you were upset, you didn't proactively tell me". Seems like an odd way to be in a relationship.

Iaminthefly · 30/01/2025 11:58

Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 11:50

Yes exactly. This is my first experience of a man like this and I have always put it down to him being shy/quiet but now when it really matters I do not feel supported

Show quote history

He's not shy. He's just not really interested.

You deserve a partner who is. This guy is not it. Imagine having a baby with this man. You'd end up losing your mind.