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Original poster

How would this make you feel?

57 replies

Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 09:01

My boyfriend is a quiet guy, very passive which is obviously just how he has always been but in some situations it makes me feel like he doesn’t care.

an example- i have been having health issues past week or so that requires a brain scan. I’ve been worried about it and have been talking to him (or at him?) about it. I got the call yesterday about the appointment I’ve been long waiting for, it was while we were in the car together parked. I had the call on loudspeaker so i could write down the details of the appointment. It was very obviously the long awaited appointment and I was smiling and gave him the thumbs up as in “yes!! Finally!”. After the call he did not mention it or talk about it. I brought it up to him. Later that night I said to him why don’t you ever mention things like see how I am about getting the appointment, comment that it’s good it’s finally came round etc. his response was that it was a private phone call and if I wanted to talk to him about it I would.
i also asked him if he would come with me to it and he said “yeah sure if that’s what you want”.
it resulted in a semi argument where I said he doesn’t feel like he cares too much about me when he doesn’t sound too keen to come with me. He said he would never assume he would be going with me to things and would wait until I ask him. I said well surely I would want my boyfriend of 2 years to be there with me when I’ve been anxiously waiting for this appointment and talking to you about it for 2 weeks.

these may sound trivial but it’s hard to express how it is.

another example is after an interview- he won’t text or call to see how it goes but will wait until I do as he says “I don’t want to ask in case you don’t want to talk about it so I’ll wait until you bring it up”.

none of these things are things I wouldn’t want to talk to him about and I’m sure he knows that.

i think especially with the appointment it would be nice for him to check in with me after to see how I feel about it, see if I want him to come with me and just generally support me. There’s no way he thought it was a private conversation when it was on loudspeaker and I was giving him thumbs up and he knew I was waiting for this appointment. Then to just totally ignore it is strange

OP posts:
Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 11:58

Fiery30 · 30/01/2025 11:51

He seems to be minding his own business and taking that attitude too far. I could not get along with someone who shows such disinterest in my life. It clearly demonstrates a lack of genuineness, warmth, and care. If he has been the same for 2 years, then that itself would be a worrying sign for me. Has he not understood that it is an issue for you? Does he not share stuff either, unless you specifically ask him about it? It's almost like sitting on the fence, "how was I to know you were upset, you didn't proactively tell me". Seems like an odd way to be in a relationship.

Yes that’s what I said to him- there’s one thing minding your business in a work setting or social setting or something but in his partner and he sees how much I share with him so he should know that’s what I’m looking for

OP posts:
Iaminthefly · 30/01/2025 11:59

Fiery30 · 30/01/2025 11:51

He seems to be minding his own business and taking that attitude too far. I could not get along with someone who shows such disinterest in my life. It clearly demonstrates a lack of genuineness, warmth, and care. If he has been the same for 2 years, then that itself would be a worrying sign for me. Has he not understood that it is an issue for you? Does he not share stuff either, unless you specifically ask him about it? It's almost like sitting on the fence, "how was I to know you were upset, you didn't proactively tell me". Seems like an odd way to be in a relationship.

It's basically the emotional equivalent of the guy who tells you he's happy to do the housework as long as you tell him what needs doing!

Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 12:04

Iaminthefly · 30/01/2025 11:59

It's basically the emotional equivalent of the guy who tells you he's happy to do the housework as long as you tell him what needs doing!

Show quote history

Well to be fair he is good at housework/cooking etc

OP posts:
Vertigo2851 · 30/01/2025 12:05

It sounds like you’re doing most of the emotional labour in this relationship. If you stopped chatting and telling him things, would he step up? Being with a man like this will eventually leave you feeling emotionally neglected.

Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 12:05

Vertigo2851 · 30/01/2025 12:05

It sounds like you’re doing most of the emotional labour in this relationship. If you stopped chatting and telling him things, would he step up? Being with a man like this will eventually leave you feeling emotionally neglected.

No, we would probably sit in silence lol I laugh but how dire is that

OP posts:
Iaminthefly · 30/01/2025 12:09

Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 12:05

No, we would probably sit in silence lol I laugh but how dire is that

Show quote history

I would honestly try it. Stop asking him questions and initiating conversation. See what happens.

Ameliepoulainandthephotobooth · 30/01/2025 12:11

Has he always been an introvert? Or is this new?

Does he show you that he loves you in other ways?

Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 12:18

Ameliepoulainandthephotobooth · 30/01/2025 12:11

Has he always been an introvert? Or is this new?

Does he show you that he loves you in other ways?

He’s very physically affectionate and likes to help me round the house etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 12:18

Iaminthefly · 30/01/2025 12:09

I would honestly try it. Stop asking him questions and initiating conversation. See what happens.

Show quote history

I might you know. But he will probably ask “what’s wrong with you”

OP posts:
TheHistorian · 30/01/2025 12:24

Vertigo2851 · 30/01/2025 12:05

It sounds like you’re doing most of the emotional labour in this relationship. If you stopped chatting and telling him things, would he step up? Being with a man like this will eventually leave you feeling emotionally neglected.

I was married to a man like this. I thought of him as a 'fridge freezer', completely cold and disinterested in me as a person, no effort whatsoever to interact unless he felt like it. I ended up doing it all, putting together social and family life, the emotional work of raising a child, keeping in touch with his family and friends, booking holidays, days out and events, talking at him to keep things going. We had many an event where he just sat in silence. Going out to dinner with him was tortuous.

He had absolutely no interest in anything other than his job and his hobby. Interestingly he could turn on the personality for those though.

By the end I was absolutely burnt out, miserable and lonely. My advice to you is to run! It doesn't get any better. Anyone that needs prodding is not a good bet for a successful relationship. He used the excuse that he needed to be asked things, it never occurred to initiate anything. When I asked him why he got married when he was so absent from our relationship, he said he liked having someone at home! Gives me the shivers thinking about it. I was basically his service human. Get out!

gannett · 30/01/2025 12:39

I don’t want to ask in case you don’t want to talk about it so I’ll wait until you bring it up

I do get where he's coming from - I used to think like that. I was raised to think asking too many questions, especially personal and medical ones, was inherently intrusive and prying. Definitely had to consciously learn that actually, most people like being asked about themselves - even now I think I default a lot to "if they wanted to talk about something, they'd bring it up themselves, and if they don't that means they don't want to talk about it".

But it really sounds like you're incompatible on this front because you fundamentally communicate in different ways.

Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 14:27

gannett · 30/01/2025 12:39

I don’t want to ask in case you don’t want to talk about it so I’ll wait until you bring it up

I do get where he's coming from - I used to think like that. I was raised to think asking too many questions, especially personal and medical ones, was inherently intrusive and prying. Definitely had to consciously learn that actually, most people like being asked about themselves - even now I think I default a lot to "if they wanted to talk about something, they'd bring it up themselves, and if they don't that means they don't want to talk about it".

But it really sounds like you're incompatible on this front because you fundamentally communicate in different ways.

Yes it’s maybe how he has been raised.

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BobbyBiscuits · 30/01/2025 14:32

His communication style to me would be fine. I don't really need people asking me inane questions about things they have little interest in. I want people to have genuine concern for me when I'm unwell. But the examples you gave make it seem like you're a bit needy.
He knew you were pleased you got the appointment as you said so. What more was there to ask about it? It hasn't happened yet and maybe he's anxious about it and that's making him quiet.

Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 14:41

BobbyBiscuits · 30/01/2025 14:32

His communication style to me would be fine. I don't really need people asking me inane questions about things they have little interest in. I want people to have genuine concern for me when I'm unwell. But the examples you gave make it seem like you're a bit needy.
He knew you were pleased you got the appointment as you said so. What more was there to ask about it? It hasn't happened yet and maybe he's anxious about it and that's making him quiet.

Fair.
i don’t feel I’m needy, but I get very little back from him ever and the past week or so when I’ve been unwell I could do with the genuine care you described

OP posts:
Alalalala · 30/01/2025 14:52

You don’t sound needy to me OP, you’re describing someone who most people would find a bit soul destroying, especially after being in a relationship for quite a while!

BobbyBiscuits · 30/01/2025 14:55

@Trustytatt yeah, I'd put it down to that. Like 'yay, you're getting a brain scan for an illness that we don't know how bad it will be..' it's anxiety inducing for him I'd imagine. I'm sure you're not really needy, just understandably feeling a bit nervous.
I wish you well x

StupidBitchy · 30/01/2025 15:05

I would just think that's how he wanted to be treated and is assuming the same for you.

Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 15:17

StupidBitchy · 30/01/2025 15:05

I would just think that's how he wanted to be treated and is assuming the same for you.

Yeah possibly. It’s not how I want my relationship to feel though. We aren’t friends who see eachother every so often, we’re partners

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 30/01/2025 15:21

Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 09:32

Yes that’s very true.
that’s a good way of putting it.

even on a very simple level- we went to the cinema and afterwards I thought to myself I will see if he asks anything about the film or if I enjoyed it. Nope- not a mention, I usually ask did he like it etc but I purposely didn’t and the film was never mentioned again

Show quote history

Sounds like you're going out with a mute! He's boring to boot.
I really don't think you're compatible.
You ask how we would feel - I would feel like screaming and would end the relationship.

MsMarch · 30/01/2025 15:26

So ifyou hadn't asked about the film, wouldyou have just gone back to the car in silence?

To be honet, i'm not sure I understand how you landed up in a relationship with him in the first place. What do you have in common? how has he shown you he's interested in you?

At best, you are just incompatible. At worst, he's really just a very emotionally lazy and uninterested person. Is he like this with all his friends and loved ones?

Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 15:33

MsMarch · 30/01/2025 15:26

So ifyou hadn't asked about the film, wouldyou have just gone back to the car in silence?

To be honet, i'm not sure I understand how you landed up in a relationship with him in the first place. What do you have in common? how has he shown you he's interested in you?

At best, you are just incompatible. At worst, he's really just a very emotionally lazy and uninterested person. Is he like this with all his friends and loved ones?

I’m starting to question that myself.
yeah more or less silence but then he asked if we needed to stop at shop on way home from cinema

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Vertigo2851 · 30/01/2025 16:57

I don’t think he’s meeting your needs. Needs for genuine warmth, conversation and connection. Not showing concern or interest in your medical issues is a red flag. You’d get more emotional connection from a casual acquaintance. It sounds like you’re making all the effort and he’s passively going along with it.

Copy his messages into Chatgpt Brenda and Frank to assess the effort he’s really making.

Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 17:05

Vertigo2851 · 30/01/2025 16:57

I don’t think he’s meeting your needs. Needs for genuine warmth, conversation and connection. Not showing concern or interest in your medical issues is a red flag. You’d get more emotional connection from a casual acquaintance. It sounds like you’re making all the effort and he’s passively going along with it.

Copy his messages into Chatgpt Brenda and Frank to assess the effort he’s really making.

Yes what’s the perfect way to put it. He’s not meeting those needs at all for genuine care and emotional connection

OP posts:
Vertigo2851 · 30/01/2025 21:05

He’s emotionally absent.

The phone call was important both emotionally and practically. You shared both the call and your feelings with him and got absolutely nothing back till prompted. And even then his response was cold and not what you’d expect from someone who cares about you.

Don’t fall for his excuses that he’s being respectful. His lack of responses aren't respectful, they’re avoidant. He either can’t engage with you emotionally, or he doesn’t want to.

How did the silent drive after the cinema make you feel?

Original poster
Trustytatt · 30/01/2025 21:22

Vertigo2851 · 30/01/2025 21:05

He’s emotionally absent.

The phone call was important both emotionally and practically. You shared both the call and your feelings with him and got absolutely nothing back till prompted. And even then his response was cold and not what you’d expect from someone who cares about you.

Don’t fall for his excuses that he’s being respectful. His lack of responses aren't respectful, they’re avoidant. He either can’t engage with you emotionally, or he doesn’t want to.

How did the silent drive after the cinema make you feel?

Thank you, you’ve summed it up well.
i don’t buy the whole “I was waiting for you to share it with me” when I was literally in the car with him sharing the phone call, nudging him etc to let him know the news.

the silent drive home just made me sad really

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