How would this make you feel?

[Trustytatt]

My boyfriend is a quiet guy, very passive which is obviously just how he has always been but in some situations it makes me feel like he doesn’t care.

an example- i have been having health issues past week or so that requires a brain scan. I’ve been worried about it and have been talking to him (or at him?) about it. I got the call yesterday about the appointment I’ve been long waiting for, it was while we were in the car together parked. I had the call on loudspeaker so i could write down the details of the appointment. It was very obviously the long awaited appointment and I was smiling and gave him the thumbs up as in “yes!! Finally!”. After the call he did not mention it or talk about it. I brought it up to him. Later that night I said to him why don’t you ever mention things like see how I am about getting the appointment, comment that it’s good it’s finally came round etc. his response was that it was a private phone call and if I wanted to talk to him about it I would.
i also asked him if he would come with me to it and he said “yeah sure if that’s what you want”.
it resulted in a semi argument where I said he doesn’t feel like he cares too much about me when he doesn’t sound too keen to come with me. He said he would never assume he would be going with me to things and would wait until I ask him. I said well surely I would want my boyfriend of 2 years to be there with me when I’ve been anxiously waiting for this appointment and talking to you about it for 2 weeks.

these may sound trivial but it’s hard to express how it is.

another example is after an interview- he won’t text or call to see how it goes but will wait until I do as he says “I don’t want to ask in case you don’t want to talk about it so I’ll wait until you bring it up”.

none of these things are things I wouldn’t want to talk to him about and I’m sure he knows that.

i think especially with the appointment it would be nice for him to check in with me after to see how I feel about it, see if I want him to come with me and just generally support me. There’s no way he thought it was a private conversation when it was on loudspeaker and I was giving him thumbs up and he knew I was waiting for this appointment. Then to just totally ignore it is strange

Take it from me, you will drive yourself mad with frustration in this relationship. Mad until you don't recognise yourself and by that point, his lack of social skills let's say, will have rubbed off on you and you'll wonder what on earth a normal relationship with normal interactions look like, from chit chat to serious talks.

It's very hard to force someone to engage and talk. I learned this the hard way.

Exactly the same experience here.

I drove myself mad for longer than I dare to admit.

Other PP mentioned emotional neglect. This is exactly the right term. I didn't know it was a thing, when I realised this, it was the end for me.

Some men withold emotional connection and conversations as a means of control.

He rejected your attempts at connection 4 times in relation to that call.

Once when he completely ignored your gestures during the call
Twice when he didn’t acknowledge it at all afterwards
Third when you brought it up and he said it was private. He also subtly implied you were at fault for not bringing it up
Fourth when he said he would come with you if that’s what you want.

We all know what if that’s what you want means and it never feels good to hear it. He sounds passive aggressive and controlling. He knew what you wanted and he made sure you didn’t get it.

It’s not trivial at all.

Is your boyfriend on the spectrum? Mine is and I now realise that's why he never asks me questions. His view is that if I want him to know something I would just tell him. All I get is, "How was your day?" and that's because I told him I would like to at least be asked that. When I had to have blood tests done and was very worried about my health he didn't ask what the tests were for or why I was concerned.

Now I understand what's going on, I just tell him stuff. It feels odd to people who are used to two-way interactions, but you get used to it.

I did consider this before but I don’t think so, but I’m no expert.

You do share he shows he cares in other ways so it is possible he does care but just internalises/doesn't like talking much. My DH is not like this but does need alone time and certainly doesn't like talking as much as me! I process everything out loud!
I would have a discussion about it with him where you tell him clearly what you need ie I don't expect you to chat all the time but I do need you to occasionally be the one to start conversation sometimes and you absolutely need him to ask how you are re bigger life events ie important appointments! It would be nice not to have to tell him this but if it's not a need he feels for himself you need to spell out it is a need for you and exactly how you'd like it met.

The saying if they wanted to they would is fitting in this situation.

He has told you he wont be enquiring into your well being at all because of privacy issues but if you want to tell him things you can. And you’ve told him it bothers you and you’d like him to ask, you were being a bit vulnerable saying that and asking for your needs to be met.

Him continuing to insist he’s not engaging out of some sort of moral code is absurd and a further example of how he dismisses what you say.

You should pull right back and assess how much effort he’s really making. Stop telling him things and filling the silence with chatter. How much does he share with you?