Do I have to end things with my partner?

Constantlysuprised · 2025-01-30T01:02:48+00:00

I can’t quite believe that I’m writing this on here at 1am but here we are. I have a one year old and when her dad is great things are amazing. But he has a drinking problem. He goes out, disappears all night sometimes and can’t function the next day. He’s out again tonight, very drunk and I have no idea when he will come back. Sometimes when he does this I call and call his phone and he just ignores me. Leaving him seems like a big and scary step for me, and most importantly would mean my daughter wouldn’t grow up with her dad. I really don’t want that for her. But continuing to let him behave like this seems impossible, and he clearly cares little for me if he keeps on doing it, or his problem with booze is so severe that there’s little hope for change. I really don’t know what to do and feel very alone. Outside this one issue I have a great life, a successful career, great friends and family and i really never thought I’d have this sort of problem, and if I did I’d just leave. So my hubris is biting me in the arse too. Anyway, I feel completely lost so thought I’d type into the void…

AcquadiP · 30/01/2025 01:22

Mmm, tricky.

Does he acknowledge that he goes on drinking binges or is he in denial, ('a few drinks with the lads')?

Has he always done this or is it relatively new behaviour?

Are there any triggers which cause him to go off and get legless such as work stress?

Pigsinblankets13 · 30/01/2025 01:25

That's shit OP. My ex was like this and caused our relationship to breakdown, so fully sympathise (no DC involved though so was easier to walk away)

I think I'd have to give a serious ultimatum in this situation - either he gets professional help and changes or you and DD are gone.

DysmalRadius · 30/01/2025 01:26

Anyone who has grown up with an alcoholic will tell you that an absent parent is a million times better than a drunk and unpredictable one. Have you issued an ultimatum? Would he seek help to avoid losing you?

username299 · 30/01/2025 01:27

Would you want a dad like that? Spending all the family money on booze, an alcoholic, and treating your mother with contempt?

Read up on how alcohlism effects children. Alcoholic households are unhealthy and dysfunctional and this is your life unless you make changes.

You have a good job, so do the best possible thing you can for your daughter is teach her what a strong, independent woman looks like.

MoetUndChandon · 30/01/2025 01:29

How often does he behave like that?

Anneta · 30/01/2025 01:36

Does your husband accept that he has a problem with alcohol & would he agree to go for treatment?
My step daughter was in a similar situation many years ago, with a young family. She gave her husband an ultimatum… either have treatment or move out. He went into a rehabilitation unit for six weeks. He joined AA for support on leaving rehabilitation & he has been fine ever since (now over ten years)
However the rehab was very expensive.

Enko · 30/01/2025 01:37

DysmalRadius · 30/01/2025 01:26

Anyone who has grown up with an alcoholic will tell you that an absent parent is a million times better than a drunk and unpredictable one. Have you issued an ultimatum? Would he seek help to avoid losing you?

This 100%

Marshatessa · 30/01/2025 01:38

It’s so hard but there needs to be some ultimate. It’s easier now with one child than to go on to have more with him.

how old is he and how long have you been together?

Original poster

Constantlysuprised · 30/01/2025 01:41

AcquadiP · 30/01/2025 01:22

Mmm, tricky.

Does he acknowledge that he goes on drinking binges or is he in denial, ('a few drinks with the lads')?

Has he always done this or is it relatively new behaviour?

Are there any triggers which cause him to go off and get legless such as work stress?

He fluctuates, when I get really upset or say I can’t cope with it any more he says it’s gone too far, he’s sorry and he’ll stop. He manages for a bit, basically by not going out at all, and then goes out “just for a drink with his mates” and it starts again. There’s often a stressor that starts this but I now think he uses this to go out and have an excuse so I don’t get angry

OP posts:

Original poster

Constantlysuprised · 30/01/2025 01:44

DysmalRadius · 30/01/2025 01:26

Anyone who has grown up with an alcoholic will tell you that an absent parent is a million times better than a drunk and unpredictable one. Have you issued an ultimatum? Would he seek help to avoid losing you?

So this really hits home. My dad had a drinking problem, still does really. He lost his job because of it at one stage. And as strange as this sounds I love him immensely, and he was a great dad to me but I know my mum put up with hell. Ironically I swore I’d never live like my mum did, but it’s not quite as easy when you’re faced with it.

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Isthisexpected · 30/01/2025 01:48

Imagine your daughter typing this out in the middle of the night with her baby beside her....what would you say? Don't set her up for a lifetime of regret. You can do what your mum couldn't. You absolutely deserve better than this. So does your baby.

Guest100 · 30/01/2025 01:48

I think you should leave, and don’t allow unsupervised access to the child. He will either realise he needs help, or he will continue drinking. If he does stop drinking then you have the option of getting back together. If you stay, this will be a cycle that continues until he dies. Please remember you are a person, not a rehab centre. Don’t feel like you are abandoning him when he needs you, you are protecting yourself and your child.

Original poster

Constantlysuprised · 30/01/2025 01:49

username299 · 30/01/2025 01:27

Would you want a dad like that? Spending all the family money on booze, an alcoholic, and treating your mother with contempt?

Read up on how alcohlism effects children. Alcoholic households are unhealthy and dysfunctional and this is your life unless you make changes.

You have a good job, so do the best possible thing you can for your daughter is teach her what a strong, independent woman looks like.

I know that this is the right message, and financially I’m fine which I feel incredibly lucky about. One thing that really worries me is what he’d expose my daughter to without me there. He’s actually a really good dad without the booze and he wouldn’t mean to do anything risky but he’s not in control. I avoid all this at the moment as she’s always with me so it just practically stops the problem. I think that’s one of my main reasons for keeping trying, as I feel I can minimise any impact on her, but maybe I’m kidding myself. I really don’t know anymore

OP posts:

Original poster

Constantlysuprised · 30/01/2025 01:53

Marshatessa · 30/01/2025 01:38

It’s so hard but there needs to be some ultimate. It’s easier now with one child than to go on to have more with him.

how old is he and how long have you been together?

He’s 45 and we’ve been together just over 3 years. I was 40 when we met so we got a move on in terms of having a family, and until I was about 7 months pregnant there wasn’t a sniff of this being an issue. He went out with his friends and me and drank fairly normally, but I now know this has caused issues for him in relationships before. So realistically I think it’s really time for an ultimatum as nothing else will work

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Fleetheart · 30/01/2025 01:56

I have been there and would advise you to get out of this asap. Not easy I know - I left it far too long. But someone like this who is not in recovery cannot be loooking after a child. You need some support - al anon are very helpful. Don’t forget that because you grew up with a Dad who drank you are likely to have poor boundaries and put up with unacceptable behaviour. You need to create the right boundaries - ie if you do this again we will have to split - and then stick to it. Otherwise you are basically enabling the behaviour. It took me a long time to learn this lesson and I hope you learn. it sooner. It’s totally unacceptable for him to act in this way and he needs to sort it out or live separately

username299 · 30/01/2025 01:56

Constantlysuprised · 30/01/2025 01:49

I know that this is the right message, and financially I’m fine which I feel incredibly lucky about. One thing that really worries me is what he’d expose my daughter to without me there. He’s actually a really good dad without the booze and he wouldn’t mean to do anything risky but he’s not in control. I avoid all this at the moment as she’s always with me so it just practically stops the problem. I think that’s one of my main reasons for keeping trying, as I feel I can minimise any impact on her, but maybe I’m kidding myself. I really don’t know anymore

Show quote history

I doubt the family court would agree to unsupervised visits with an active alcoholic. Do you think he'd actually make the effort? He sounds completely selfish and obsessed with drink.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/01/2025 01:58

You and your lovely daughter will be much happier without him. It's better to not have your Dad live with you, than have an alcohol dependent Dad live with you.

I wouldn't bother with an ultimatum. Depending on your housing situation, I'd either kick him out or leave him.

Your daughter is young enough that you won't have to send her for overnight contact. You can also insist on supervised contact (that's if he wants contact).

Don't waste your life thinking he'll ever change. He's clearly not cut out for fatherhood.

Original poster

Constantlysuprised · 30/01/2025 01:58

Isthisexpected · 30/01/2025 01:48

Imagine your daughter typing this out in the middle of the night with her baby beside her....what would you say? Don't set her up for a lifetime of regret. You can do what your mum couldn't. You absolutely deserve better than this. So does your baby.

The thought of that is too terrible for words. Thank you. That gave me a real jolt, a good one. I think I have to give him one final ultimatum and it’s give up the booze completely or that’s it. Rationally I know his behaviour is off the charts bad, I’ve just been sort of stuck in terms of being brave enough to stick to my convictions. We’ve had blazing rows, lots of “I’m sorry” and it’s just a vicious bloody circle. I need to be brave

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ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/01/2025 02:02

Why bother with a final ultimatum? If he can't look at his beautiful wee daughter and realise he needs to buck his ideas up, then he's his own worst enemy.

You have blazing rows over this? A vicious circle? This is no way to live!!

Say he quits the booze after your ultimatum...you'll always ALWAYS be wondering how long it'll last for. You'll never be free of that niggling feeling that he'll be back on the booze again at some stage.

Honestly, it's not worth your energy and worry living like that. Just cut the cord and break free of this dick.

Original poster

Constantlysuprised · 30/01/2025 02:02

Fleetheart · 30/01/2025 01:56

I have been there and would advise you to get out of this asap. Not easy I know - I left it far too long. But someone like this who is not in recovery cannot be loooking after a child. You need some support - al anon are very helpful. Don’t forget that because you grew up with a Dad who drank you are likely to have poor boundaries and put up with unacceptable behaviour. You need to create the right boundaries - ie if you do this again we will have to split - and then stick to it. Otherwise you are basically enabling the behaviour. It took me a long time to learn this lesson and I hope you learn. it sooner. It’s totally unacceptable for him to act in this way and he needs to sort it out or live separately

My boundaries are f*ing terrible with this. My view of normal behaviour with booze is already warped. Thank you for the al anon note, I think I’ll contact them. I’m glad you managed to learn the lesser, even if it took a while, and are happier for it.

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AcquadiP · 30/01/2025 02:06

Constantlysuprised · 30/01/2025 01:41

He fluctuates, when I get really upset or say I can’t cope with it any more he says it’s gone too far, he’s sorry and he’ll stop. He manages for a bit, basically by not going out at all, and then goes out “just for a drink with his mates” and it starts again. There’s often a stressor that starts this but I now think he uses this to go out and have an excuse so I don’t get angry

Show quote history

It sounds like he has a drink problem. I would call Al Anon (part of AA but there to support the loved ones of alcoholics) and ask their advice. I did this years ago when I was dealing with an alcoholic male friend (now deceased due to alcoholism.)
They were really helpful.

Good luck.

Original poster

Constantlysuprised · 30/01/2025 02:06

username299 · 30/01/2025 01:56

I doubt the family court would agree to unsupervised visits with an active alcoholic. Do you think he'd actually make the effort? He sounds completely selfish and obsessed with drink.

Show quote history

I honestly don’t know. I do know he loves our daughter, even though he’s being useless as being a dad right now. So I know he’d fight me. I have a small glimmer of hope that he’d like to see her in the day but not have his pub time messed up so he may agree to a schedule that eliminates all the risk, as I’m only concerned about the evenings.

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Original poster

Constantlysuprised · 30/01/2025 02:09

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/01/2025 01:58

You and your lovely daughter will be much happier without him. It's better to not have your Dad live with you, than have an alcohol dependent Dad live with you.

I wouldn't bother with an ultimatum. Depending on your housing situation, I'd either kick him out or leave him.

Your daughter is young enough that you won't have to send her for overnight contact. You can also insist on supervised contact (that's if he wants contact).

Don't waste your life thinking he'll ever change. He's clearly not cut out for fatherhood.

Thanks for the overnight info, that’s the bit that worries me. I don’t have daytime concerns.

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Fleetheart · 30/01/2025 02:09

The other thing I would do @Constantlysuprised is to be honest with your friends/ family etc about this behaviour. Never ever cover for him. Don’t feel any shame yourself- this is a situation that you are not responsible for and so you should not cover it. In my case when I started to share,
it felt like I had an enormous weight lifted from me. Because somehow I felt it was my fault and that there was something wrong with me that Incouldnt trust my partner. Obviously you don’t have to tell everyone - but don’t hide it from your most trusted confidantes. Unless people have been in this situation they just don’t get it sometimes and that’s why I say that support from people who get
it like Al anon is helpful. For me I also used to go on a website called Sober Recovery. It had some forums on there for friends and family. These kicked me into touch a bit about the reality of what I was facing. Good Luck.

Original poster

Constantlysuprised · 30/01/2025 02:11

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/01/2025 02:02

Why bother with a final ultimatum? If he can't look at his beautiful wee daughter and realise he needs to buck his ideas up, then he's his own worst enemy.

You have blazing rows over this? A vicious circle? This is no way to live!!

Say he quits the booze after your ultimatum...you'll always ALWAYS be wondering how long it'll last for. You'll never be free of that niggling feeling that he'll be back on the booze again at some stage.

Honestly, it's not worth your energy and worry living like that. Just cut the cord and break free of this dick.

You’re not wrong. I sort of feel that one very clear final ultimatum will mean I can tell my daughter that I really tried. The clear and resounding messages here have helped me feel stronger that it really so now or never and I can’t let it roll on anymore. But I think I have to do a final ultimatum more for my peace of mind than anything

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