Do I have to end things with my partner?

[Constantlysuprised]

I can’t quite believe that I’m writing this on here at 1am but here we are.

I have a one year old and when her dad is great things are amazing. But he has a drinking problem. He goes out, disappears all night sometimes and can’t function the next day. He’s out again tonight, very drunk and I have no idea when he will come back. Sometimes when he does this I call and call his phone and he just ignores me.

Leaving him seems like a big and scary step for me, and most importantly would mean my daughter wouldn’t grow up with her dad. I really don’t want that for her. But continuing to let him behave like this seems impossible, and he clearly cares little for me if he keeps on doing it, or his problem with booze is so severe that there’s little hope for change.

I really don’t know what to do and feel very alone. Outside this one issue I have a great life, a successful career, great friends and family and i really never thought I’d have this sort of problem, and if I did I’d just leave. So my hubris is biting me in the arse too.

Anyway, I feel completely lost so thought I’d type into the void…

It’s like you’re reading my mind! Nobody knows about this. Not a soul. I’m deeply ashamed of it all. And I also know they’d tell me to leave and I don’t think I wanted to hear that from them, perhaps until now. I also didn’t want them to hate him, I am definitely enabling him

I used to trust my ex (he was insulted and got cross with me if I didn’t). One night I went out when he was looking after the kids. I got home and he was sparko on the bed, with a pan boiling dry on the cooker. I dread to think what could have happened. Being angry with him about this didn’t work- he said I was over reacting etc etc. But of course I wasn’t! But alcohol causes twisted thinking - in the partners as well as in the alcoholics themselves. And alcoholic doesn’t mean you drink every day btw - it means that when you start you often can’t stop.

This is very much him. He white knuckles not drinking for a bit, and says he’s not an alcoholic as he doesn’t drink everyday. He also tells me I’m overreacting. Then uses me being cross or upset as a reason to go out and get out of his mind drunk. I can almost see him thinking “oh good, I can go mad now, and she won’t be cross as she’ll feel guilty”. It’s such a bloody mess

it’s funny isn’t it - we all act similarly on these situations; that’s why I wanted to mention that about being open. It really helps.

I don’t know if he’d do this. I’d be willing to try anything at this point. I think I’ve decided, with everyone’s input here that it’s final ultimatum time. Stop drinking or it’s the end. And that will likely involve some sort of support, maybe rehab.

I had this as well; I think he also used to cause arguments so he could go off and drink! It’s awful isn’t it. I’m glad you are getting good advice and support on here because it’s hard to act on your own without knowing if it’s the right thing or if you should stay and support someone. But really they have to make that decision themselves - we need to let them have that responsibility to sort it out.

Please just leave.

I see so many women on this site fearful of leaving absolutely terrible relationships because they know on some level if they split up, their kids’ dad won’t be arsed having any sort of relationship with them, and they worry they will be held responsible for this.

Why do we overvalue kids’ relationships with these utterly crappy men who will just let them down again and again?

I wish my mother hadn’t tried so hard to ensure I had a relationship with my father. It just meant I ended up taking over her historical role of feeling emotionally responsible for him, and constantly disappointed / rejected. It was not a relationship worth having, in the end. I’d have been better off with a happy mum.

It's not your fault though in any way shape or form. He has a disease and unless he gets help, his behaviour will get much, much worse. As an example, my friend turned up in his car at my house one afternoon with his 8 year old son. He reeked of whisky. I was absolutely bloody livid that he would even consider driving in his condition, especially with his son in his car and I told him so, (my enabling days were over by this point in time.) Make no mistake he adored his son and vice versa but alcohol addiction rots the brain and they do the most terrifying things. They also become highly manipulative.

My ex was like this. Note the EX.

LTB. Alcoholics put alcohol above their kids, partners, and families.

It is funny, and until it happens to you, you think you’d never act like that. Thank you again, and thanks to everyone here, it’s all really helped clarify things for me.

2.21 on a Wednesday and he only just fell in the door (that’s why i disappeared) after a bit of a cross exchange (apparently im making a drama again) I’ve managed to get him to go to the other room so I’ve a chance of sleep. I need to tackle this tomorrow

The manipulation bit is becoming clearer and clearer

I never understood the not leaving thing when I read other people here. Now I get it. Your points are well made. I need to sort this out

Please get out. He's old enough to know better... if he's drinking like this at 45, he'll never change. You're old enough to live a good life with your daughter. Do not expect him to change... he will, for a few days or weeks, even with an ultimatum. Save yourself and your daughter from future misery.

I don’t at all mean to make you feel guilty or responsible, by the way - I realise my post came off sounding exasperated, and that’s not how I meant it!

I just wanted to challenge the idea that you have to bust a gut trying to facilitate a father-child relationship that is outside of your control or influence. You don’t need to shoulder any of the shame of this situation. ❤️

I’m exasperated with myself. And if honestly be saying the same thing to a friend. I do know what I need to do, I just need to do it. And be very sad about it for my daughter and for me, as it was really good when it was good. But it’s not been good for any sustained periods for a long time now. I just get enough glimpses of the real him when he’s not being an idiot to fool myself that it’s not as bad as it is. Time to do something about it now.

If you give him an ultimatum it should be with the condition of a)him recognising he has a problem and b) getting help, AA, rehab, therapy etc etc. and sticking to it.

The biggest step an alcoholic can make in recovery is recognising they have a problem and choosing to address it. You can't make someone do that, they have to do it themselves. And ultimatum may give him the jolt he needs, but equally it may not so at least you have your answer.

Without treatment (and tbh even with treatment, for a good while), you'll be waiting for the next time he goes off the rails, worrying what you'll say that will trigger him to go off on a bender. No one should have to live like that.

It's very sad, but you and your baby really will be ok 💛

Yes, you need to leave. No more ultimatums - you've already tried asking him to stop. Decide you're not willing to be in a relationship with someone who continues to drink to excess after you've repeatedly asked him to stop, and you're not wiling to expose your daughter to that behavior.

That's not you deciding that your daughter won't have her father in her life or making any decision at all about their future relationship. He gets to decide whether he's going to be sober to have a relationship with her or not, but you are taking being a drunk around her (and you) off the table.

You deserve better. But your daughter also deserves your protection and she deserves a better example of healthy boundaries and self-respect than you (or I) had.

His issues with alcohol predate your relationship, it probably led to the breakdown of previous relationships. You were an easy target because of your alcoholic father and your biological clock ticking away. The real him is him passed out, argumentative and manipulative, the glimpses of the ‘old’ him was when he was actively hiding the real him.

This is who he is, your energies will be better spent on asking how you ended up here.

growing up in a house with an alcoholic is no way to experience childhood.

There is no such thing as a dad or husband who is great when he is sober. If they are drunks, they aren’t great dad’s. You shouldn’t be teaching your daughter to live for those good moments.

That’s the problem with ultimatums - they can only be issued once and you have to follow through with it. If you are not prepared to do that then do not issue it. Also repeated ultimatums lose all their power. You do not need to give him an ultimatum let alone a final one here.

Put your child and you first now, not him. You grew up with an alcoholic parent and that fact made you far more likely to choose an alcoholic for a partner too. It did you no favours growing up with this. Read about children of alcoholic parents, if that does not shake you then nothing will.

His primary relationship is with drink and his thoughts centre around where the next drink is coming from. Make a better life for your child and you without him in it day to day. Do what your own mother failed to do with you and properly protect her from her alcoholic father. You have a choice when it comes to him, she does not. And go to al-anon meetings in person or at the very least contact them by phone.

you did not cause this
you cannot control this
you cannot cure this. The 3cs of alcoholism.

Let go of all hope that he will change, this is who he really is.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she learning here?. Teach her better lessons than the ones you were taught ie codependency and enabling. Your boundaries here are indeed skewed when it comes to this due to your own child hood. You can unlearn these but you need help too. Your own recovery from his alcoholism has not started and will not until you and he are fully apart.

Just to warn you it might make him more sneaky. He will say he isn't drinking and you will convince yourself you have gone mad when you know he hasn't left the house and he is acting drunk but doesn't smell of alcohol.
Don't judge yourself more harshly than others. You are allowed to leave. Your daughter will work out herself you did your best.

Women in poor relationships too often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

You don’t have to drink every day to be an alcoholic.
He is an alcoholic and can’t control his drinking.
He may be a ‘good dad’ in words, but he puts drinking before his child and his partner.
The good times are long gone and at 45 you are in for a lifetime of pain if you stay with him. It only gets worse.
Sorry I don’t have any better news.
He will only gets sober when he decides to. You can plead, beg and negotiate but it won’t make one iota of difference. He’s an alcoholic and you could be on bended knees and will be accused of being a nag and picking on him.
While he lives like this you are enabling his addiction. He will continue and your child will soon work out that dad is drunk and mum is upset. Children then become watchful, blame themselves and adjust their behaviour - becoming a good child to try and make dad happy and mum okay.
Put your child first.