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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I have to end things with my partner?

66 replies

Constantlysuprised · 30/01/2025 01:02

I can’t quite believe that I’m writing this on here at 1am but here we are.

I have a one year old and when her dad is great things are amazing. But he has a drinking problem. He goes out, disappears all night sometimes and can’t function the next day. He’s out again tonight, very drunk and I have no idea when he will come back. Sometimes when he does this I call and call his phone and he just ignores me.

Leaving him seems like a big and scary step for me, and most importantly would mean my daughter wouldn’t grow up with her dad. I really don’t want that for her. But continuing to let him behave like this seems impossible, and he clearly cares little for me if he keeps on doing it, or his problem with booze is so severe that there’s little hope for change.

I really don’t know what to do and feel very alone. Outside this one issue I have a great life, a successful career, great friends and family and i really never thought I’d have this sort of problem, and if I did I’d just leave. So my hubris is biting me in the arse too.

Anyway, I feel completely lost so thought I’d type into the void…

OP posts:

Copperoliverbear · 30/01/2025 06:39

Personally I'd leave him, I like a man to be a man not someone I have to nurse, you have one baby you don't need another.

Iaminthefly · 30/01/2025 06:42

VoltaireMittyDream · 30/01/2025 03:17

I don’t at all mean to make you feel guilty or responsible, by the way - I realise my post came off sounding exasperated, and that’s not how I meant it!

I just wanted to challenge the idea that you have to bust a gut trying to facilitate a father-child relationship that is outside of your control or influence. You don’t need to shoulder any of the shame of this situation. ❤️

The world would have many happier children if women freed themselves of the idea that children must have a relationship with their father at any cost.

My husband buggered off when our twins were six. He has no contact. They are the happiest most loving children in the world. I strongly believe that one of the reasons for this is that they've grown up free of their father's selfish and frankly odd behaviour.

Iaminthefly · 30/01/2025 06:42

When they were a year old. They are six now 🙈

Climbinghigher · 30/01/2025 06:44

I have quite a lot of experience with alcoholism now. And men who bugger off for days binging. Think the availability of coke has made that little trick more common.

Tell him you ruin not tolerate it anymore. The unpredictability is making you anxious (& it will soon become all you can think about, you won’t be able to plan anything because you don’t know whether he will be there for it) and you need him to grow up now. If it happens again you will leave.

He’ll have a million reasons (stressed/depressed/just spending time with mates etc) and will call you controlling if you ask questions, prefer him not to go out with mates (because you know you’ll have no idea when he’s home). The truth is he does it because he wants to.

He may eventually grow the fuck up and stop but it’s more likely he’ll just continue and it will get worse.it is hard when they are a good parent in other ways but if he doesn’t get a grip on this and stop now he will damage you and your child and eventually you will have no choice but to leave. It’s better to go before the damage (& below he blows all the family money getting on it repeatedly)

HardenYourHeart · 30/01/2025 06:52

Constantlysuprised · 30/01/2025 01:44

So this really hits home. My dad had a drinking problem, still does really. He lost his job because of it at one stage. And as strange as this sounds I love him immensely, and he was a great dad to me but I know my mum put up with hell. Ironically I swore I’d never live like my mum did, but it’s not quite as easy when you’re faced with it.

Show quote history

I think it's because your mom didn't leave, that you now find it harder to do so yourself. Children take their cues about decision making from their parents. If you make the hard decisions and show them to prioritize your own well being and that of your daughter, she will learn to do the same.

ThatCalmTurtle · 30/01/2025 07:15

Speaking from past experience, they never stop.instead there are just lies yo cover up.
I had to end my relationship and sadly 4 years later at the age of 45 he developed korsakoffs. He died age 46 from pneumonia. Whilst we were together I supported him during 3 hospital detox programmes
Not a very positive response to your question but a very honest reply

Ydkiml · 30/01/2025 07:23

is he doing Coke as well ? Probably. You and your daughter deserve much much better . Please don’t let her grow up witnessing this waste of space . It will harm every aspect of her life.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/01/2025 14:54

"I just get enough glimpses of the real him when he’s not being an idiot to fool myself that it’s not as bad as it is."

It's exactly this way of thinking that keeps women (including myself at one time), in abusive relationships (be it DA or substance abuse).

Staying in relationships like this for longer than we should have is always a regret.

How are things today @Constantlysuprised ?

AcquadiP · 30/01/2025 15:51

Constantlysuprised · 30/01/2025 03:02

The manipulation bit is becoming clearer and clearer

Show quote history

Yes, it does over time.

I've read your update. Good. Time for some tough love. 💪

Original poster

Constantlysuprised · 30/01/2025 16:14

ThatCalmTurtle · 30/01/2025 07:15

I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s a really horrible disease.

OP posts:

Original poster

Constantlysuprised · 30/01/2025 16:17

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/01/2025 14:54

"I just get enough glimpses of the real him when he’s not being an idiot to fool myself that it’s not as bad as it is."

It's exactly this way of thinking that keeps women (including myself at one time), in abusive relationships (be it DA or substance abuse).

Staying in relationships like this for longer than we should have is always a regret.

How are things today @Constantlysuprised ?

He was being awful this morning as he felt like crap. Said he wasn’t ready to talk about anything. I said that makes it easier for me and that I want him to move out by the end of March and that we are finished. I don’t think he believes me, but I do mean it. I’ve realised things are very done as I’m not upset, I feel more relieved than anything. I’m going to stay with my best friend for a bit next week so we don’t have to be around each other constantly while he has time to find somewhere to live. Thanks again everyone. I think I knew what I had to do but just needed to hear it from other people. Even strangers online!

OP posts:

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/01/2025 16:24

Wow, well done for ripping the plaster off and just doing it.

Fingers crossed he goes easily, but we're here to continue supporting you if he doesn't. That relief you feel right now will be x 100 once he actually leaves. Best of luck!

Original poster

Constantlysuprised · 30/01/2025 16:27

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/01/2025 16:24

Wow, well done for ripping the plaster off and just doing it.

Fingers crossed he goes easily, but we're here to continue supporting you if he doesn't. That relief you feel right now will be x 100 once he actually leaves. Best of luck!

Thanks! I suprised myself by how sure I felt. I think I was actually more ready than I knew, it’s been coming for a long time, and I am just over swallowing bad behaviour after bad behaviour

OP posts:

birdglasspen2 · 30/01/2025 16:36

Culturally this is totally normal where I live. Go out, get drunk, don’t let other half know and spend the next day hungover. My DH doesn’t do it so often now we have 3 kids. It can annoy me at times but it’s just part of life. He would argue that it is his social time with friends. He wouldn’t stop me going out but I have little interest now with the kids. It doesn’t affect them. They are in bed when he comes home and he just goes to sleep. He’s not much fun the next day but it certainly wouldn’t be worth divorcing over …for me.

pimplebum · 30/01/2025 16:45

Lots if addicts are loving loved people
dies not mean you should stay with them

Butterfly123456 · 30/01/2025 17:46

Sorry, I didn't have time to read all the posts. I just wanted to say that my dad was a drunkard and actually died of liver cirrhosis. He became an alcoholic when I was 12 years old. It was hell. My mom never left him, because 'what would people say'. Don't ruin your daughter's life. If your dad was also an alcoholic, I think you'd need a therapy as you are repeating the cycle now.

Edit. I've just seen your post - you've left him. Well done.

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