Do I have a cock lodger?

[lodgeofthec]

Name changed for this.

Live with DP and 4 DC (2 each).

Both work full time, me employed. Him self employed. Business is always kind of up and down, sometimes good, sometimes average. Sometimes not so great. This means on occasions I foot the bill for our outgoings which then come back 'later' usually by the end of the month but not always.

Covid times were down to me as he got pretty much £0 income then as what his business relies on was closed. It was rough but it is what it is.

However the past 4 months or so there was talk of starting a new business cause what he does is kind of phasing out. I think it was partly this and partly boredom and wanting to do something new/something he thought would be better long term. There wasn't however any talk about money changing during this time. So for the last 3 months I have basically paid everything. When I've brought it up he simply says it'll come and he can't give me what's not there. Ok but how am I supposed to pay the bills?

We have an agreed expenditure which accounts for our 2 incomes. Paying 50/50 Not just mine!

To add to this he has his own arrangements with his kids mum that he tells me about but I don't really know and suspect he pays the majority plus extras, I'm not saying the exes should be missing out but he's telling me he has nothing so I'm getting nothing so essentially paying for 6 people when he's still paying for them away from our home.

I don't know how long this situation is going to go on for. He keeps telling me it'll be better in 2-3 weeks etc then that times comes and nothing.

On top of this I am working full time myself and doing the bulk of house chores so he can work extra to get this money coming in that never seems to come. He's bad with money and I think if you are self
Employed you should save to cover these times and he hasn't.

When things have been good we have done things, gone out for food. He's bought me things and he's always got bits for the kids through a work thing that's saved me a lot of money, but also I wouldn't buy new/as much if I had to pay so can't really compare like for like.

I'm starting to really resent this arrangement. We also have a pet which I am doing 99% of the work for. He counts watching it in the day his share (sometimes I am there too as I WFH sometimes) so this isn't daily, I walk/feed/sort food/vets etc etc
On top of this he is still married to his ex, divorce is initiated but only because I insisted (wish I hadn't bothered). But I can't see it being finalised as - no money and no motivation to. Only silver lining is because of these things house etc is in my name.

Just wanted some outside opinions on this as I am feeling really taken for granted at the minute and it's causing huge problems.

I think you answered your own question and you've come to the conclusion that majority of people on here have come to too.
The still being married and only started divorce proceedings when you pushed him to, would have been the loudest alarm bells to me.
It's your home, you don't have children together and he's not contributing enough either financially or practically. I think you need to ask the question of why on earth would you want to stay with him?!

Pretty sure that poster was taking the piss out of women who have a baby with each new partner to make the relationship more established.

which I once read on here is quite a uniquely British thing, apparently it’s a lot less common elsewhere but I have no idea if that’s true.

Well done OP. Stick to your guns - he will wheedle and try to manipulate you back into obeyance so stand firm.

Well done OP, and don't let him back in this time. You gave him a second chance, he's blown it, that's on him. You and your DC deserve better.

Good luck with the conversation OP. These things are never easy but, think of how lovely your future will be 😃

Well done op, it will be a relief I think. He isn’t bringing anything to the table and you can’t support three extra people. It’s a blessing you are not married and can not go your separate ways unscathed. Your life may improve no end without this weighing you down.

Good woman.

Remember he WILL promise you the earth to prevent you stopping paying for him and his children.

Why wouldn't he?
Most women wouldn't dream of tolerating this.
He's a taker and they never change their spots.

Yoh and your children deserve better than your home being used.

Get him out permanently.
He doesn't deserve you.

Well done OP.. without this millstone( and his family!) around your neck you will be so much better off in every way, not just financially.
Be prepared for him trying to twist your words and make you feel bad

Well done OP for seeing things clearly and making a decisive choice.

Be prepared for the begging and promised to change followed by guilt tripping about throwing him and his kids out on the streets . Don’t fall for it

Do not even think about marrying this man! You will then lose half of your house.
You need to get rid. Tell him, cards of the table, if things haven't changed by end February ... him paying all the bills for a few months to make up for not paying anything ... its over.

Agreed. If I were you I’d try not to get drawn into a discussion about money, or he might imply that you’re mercenary, or he’ll plead for more time and make all sorts of promises.

If he won’t accept what you’re saying, you could use the broken record technique and keep repeating that it’s over and he needs to move out. You’ve made up your mind.

We separated for a time before when I had enough, not so much about money then but him still being married and the lack of what felt like partnership, he said the right things, and started actually actioning them so we gave it another go, for a good few months things were genuinely better and improved
He did the minimum that he could get away with in order to butter you up so that he could get his feet back under the table. Then when he felt he had dug himself in firmly enough that you wouldn't try to get rid of him again he didn't feel that same pressure to make an effort.
He just wants an easy life at your expense OP. Set him free ASAP, let him go off in search of another sugar mummy🍭

Ah, if this has happened before and he only improved for a few months before lapsing back into his old ways (I.e., he didn’t learn his lesson), then there’s no point giving him another chance. He needs to go.

Sorry OP, it’s hard but he’s not worth it.

It sounds like it’s going to be really hard for you to have the conversation. It also sounds like he is really good at wheedling his way into your heart. You obviously have a soft spot and he is using that to get what he wants.

Write out bullet points before you talk to him.

Keep it to 3, like:

I am subsidising you and your children
I am doing the lions share of the work
you need to move out until you have 3 months proven income

(or whatever your 3 points are)

stick to them.
Don’t be distracted when he steers the conversation away and tries to trick you. He will start saying crazy things to get you off track. Blaming you or confusing you with when he paid for x y z.
Stick to these 3 points for this argument.
Say ‘we can discuss that another time’ if he throws in a red herring.

good luck x

@lodgeofthec

Best of luck with your conversation. Although if it were me, it wouldn't be much of one. I'd probably just say something along the lines of "I've thought hard about this and our relationship is no longer working for me. My mind is made up and you need to move out by <insert date>. We don't need a drawn out discussion, my decision is final".

Just remember JADE. Never Justify, Argue/Apologize, Defend, or Explain. A simple 'this no longer works for me' will suffice, rinse and repeat. The longer you allow them to 'talk at you' the more likely you'll either cave or your head will spin until you don't know which way is up.

And do set a firm date in your mind ahead of time for him to be gone and don't make it too far in the future. If he can leave immediately (parents? friends? back to the wife?) I'd tell him to pack a bag and go, he can get any belongings later. Also remember that his 'lack of a place to go' isn't your problem.

Just keep your eyes on the prize (which is NOT him!); A calm home, better finances, and dropping the heavy burden of resentment.

PS change the locks once he's gone. Don't rely on him returning your key unless he leaves immediately and hands them to you then and there. It only takes a few hours to get a duplicate set made.

If he doesn't see the importance of getting divorced when he has a new love then you should dump him for being thick.

Why would you put yourself and your children into this situation in the first place??

A mooching "self-employed" user, liar, financially incompetent cheat? What a catch.

Have you had the conversation with him OP?

Hope your ok

A forensic accountant will be worth the investment and he’ll be forced to pay half the cost of that.
Get it set up before you spring it on him or he’ll “give” more of it away and you’ll never see anything. Move quickly. He’s probably already worried you’ll get your hands on it and will be working to secure it for himself.

Get your ducks in a row. Photocopy everything and don’t give him time to hide/dispose of anything.

He clearly started with good intentions but has become too comfortable and is now less of a partner and more of a housemate. Also be aware as he is getting divorced and will probably get a financial order, as he is living in your house that could be taken into account as assets he has. (https://www.brookman.co.uk/divorce/will-cohabiting-with-my-new-partner-affect-my-divorce)

Wrong thread I think!

@lodgeofthec
How did the chat go op? I really don't think there's a relationship to salvage here. No grown man should have to have these things spelled out to him. He's been taking advantage of you and your children, and that's extremely off putting and unattractive.

I hope your home is you and your DC living peacefully now, @lodgeofthec