Do I have a cock lodger?

[lodgeofthec]

Name changed for this.

Live with DP and 4 DC (2 each).

Both work full time, me employed. Him self employed. Business is always kind of up and down, sometimes good, sometimes average. Sometimes not so great. This means on occasions I foot the bill for our outgoings which then come back 'later' usually by the end of the month but not always.

Covid times were down to me as he got pretty much £0 income then as what his business relies on was closed. It was rough but it is what it is.

However the past 4 months or so there was talk of starting a new business cause what he does is kind of phasing out. I think it was partly this and partly boredom and wanting to do something new/something he thought would be better long term. There wasn't however any talk about money changing during this time. So for the last 3 months I have basically paid everything. When I've brought it up he simply says it'll come and he can't give me what's not there. Ok but how am I supposed to pay the bills?

We have an agreed expenditure which accounts for our 2 incomes. Paying 50/50 Not just mine!

To add to this he has his own arrangements with his kids mum that he tells me about but I don't really know and suspect he pays the majority plus extras, I'm not saying the exes should be missing out but he's telling me he has nothing so I'm getting nothing so essentially paying for 6 people when he's still paying for them away from our home.

I don't know how long this situation is going to go on for. He keeps telling me it'll be better in 2-3 weeks etc then that times comes and nothing.

On top of this I am working full time myself and doing the bulk of house chores so he can work extra to get this money coming in that never seems to come. He's bad with money and I think if you are self
Employed you should save to cover these times and he hasn't.

When things have been good we have done things, gone out for food. He's bought me things and he's always got bits for the kids through a work thing that's saved me a lot of money, but also I wouldn't buy new/as much if I had to pay so can't really compare like for like.

I'm starting to really resent this arrangement. We also have a pet which I am doing 99% of the work for. He counts watching it in the day his share (sometimes I am there too as I WFH sometimes) so this isn't daily, I walk/feed/sort food/vets etc etc
On top of this he is still married to his ex, divorce is initiated but only because I insisted (wish I hadn't bothered). But I can't see it being finalised as - no money and no motivation to. Only silver lining is because of these things house etc is in my name.

Just wanted some outside opinions on this as I am feeling really taken for granted at the minute and it's causing huge problems.

The details don’t matter, if you are feeling like you are being taken for a ride that’s the central problem. Has he ever contributed more than you? If he left would you actually spend or have less to do?

Time for a sit down talk. Lay all the bills out, ask him how he is going to pay for them. If he makes those noises about “the money will come” make the expectation clear that he is expected to pay these bills or the relationship is over.

So I was in a similar position- there were other factors for me (if was a serial cheat) but I ended the relationship as I didn’t want to be with someone who I felt was using my home/ money to allow them to play at being an adult! And made me feel bad for wanting me to feel equal in the relationship x

Why would you do this to yourself op? He needs to move out unless he can pay 50/50 and that includes doing 50% of the housework too. He is taking terrible advantage of you. Yes.

He didn’t initiate divorce until really pressed. He’s pleasing his wife at your expense. Sounds like he really wants to get back with her and you’re a means to an end in the interim. Especially the gaslighting.

My main issue with all this is the lack of transparency

But it's absolutely transparent to us - he's taking the piss! Throw him out!

My ex was a nightmare with money. I never let him move in with me. Would have cost me literally alot! But I know he lived at his exes house for 8 years and he was earning good money. Then losing jobs. In my case he does the above only also being on benefits and doing the bare minimum for months. He was abusive left right and center. But focusing on the money side of things.

It gets really annoying paying for absolutely everything. I ended up overdrawn at one point. £900 down because he was spending my money. I covered all food and takeaway. I was covering bills at his house. I spent so much money that it would break my heart to total it all up. He was a selfish financial leech. Who felt genuinely that he should be allowed to blow all his money so quickly. But you had no right to have savings or even a little money sitting in your account whilst he had nothing. My account will be alot healthier now he's gone!

The fact he didn’t even discuss his business plans with you, but just went ahead and expected you to foot the bill is really disrespectful.

You are not his priority at all op, he is just finding ways to have his life and kids life funded with very little input from him. You are being used.

I would have him out this weekend. I could not tolerate this situation for another second. You have all of the downsides of marriage with none of the benefits currently. A mugs game.

I'm glad you already knew the answer, and from all of Mumsnet I can see 100% solidarity that you are NOT being a bitch whilst times are 'hard for him', nor 'kicking him while he's down'. He is, and has been, 100% entitled cocklodger, married with another family, and living at you and your children's expense. I don't know why you've put up with it for so long, but now that you are aware, you really can just tell him he has a week's notice to leave. He's not even a lodger paying rent--he's a houseguest that has cost you a lot of money! Legally he has no rights!

You've mentioned that "In conversation he disagrees that I am doing everything, quite how I'm not sure". Stop engaging in this conversation--it doesn't matter anymore. If you are done with him, you don't need to justify or explain anything at all. If you are done with him you don't need to 'work through' these discussions where disagrees with you about who does what, or pays for what with him any longer (Thank goodness!). He can disagree but it doesn't matter, he still just needs to leave!

If you are ready for him to leave, you can just tell him simply that he needs to leave. You don't have to worry about where he'll end up that's his problem. And since he's still married maybe he goes back to his ex Not your problem! You have been treated badly, and I'm so glad that you're seeing this clearly now. Are you ready to take steps? Of course he's going to gaslight you and mansplain why he's entitled to keep living in your house--but you don't have to allow it one bit!!! @lodgeofthec are you ready to take back control of your life and just tell him he needs to leave?

It’s the evasiveness, manipulation and guilt trips that would be most annoying I think - “if you loved me you would….” Ugh.

Or maybe still being married FFS would be the worse part. What???

I’m not surprised you’re fuming…

FFS! Op is considering ending the relationship! Bringing a baby into this situation would be absolute madness.

He says to you we need to be there for good and bad?? You say wasn’t that supposed to apply to both of us?! And if we have that kind of relationship then I’d get a say in decisions. You’re there for his ex through good and bad, but not me, so you can go live there I guess. This isn’t a partnership and it’s not working, you need to leave.

Cement the bond? Cement the bond?!

Why would any woman with half a brain and any self worth want to cement a bond with a man which doesn't serve her or her existing children?

Is that what babies are for in your world, tying women to useless men? Would this be a ticket to a life long free ride and an excuse to continue being shit because now she's not going anywhere?

My god, what a life plan.

‘Cement the bond’ to a freeloading cocklodger is great advice! 🙈

OP, I really do not want to be harsh but you need to realise he is making the greatest gobshite out of you.

He pays his ex while you house and feed his children.
This is SO unbelievable.
Get him out today.
Tell him get his shit together TODAY.
Send the lot of them back to his wife that he pays.

Do it for your children if not yourself.
You are 100% being used.
No man who genuinely cared about you would do this.
Just a complete user.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk when he is gone.
You and your children deserve so much better.

I honestly don’t believe I just read that!!

This has to be a joke 🤣. To cement herself to a cocklodger and have another mouth to feed? You're insane.

OP, I would be ending this relationship. He's totally taking the piss out of you and your kids. You deserve better and he can get off his arse and pay his own way. Cheeky bastard.

He needs to leave. It's OP's house. I'd be packing him off today.

Have a baby and cement the bond???? She's considering ending the relationship. Having a baby would impact her ability to earn. This guy isn't supporting himself. He's not going to support her and a baby.

How did you find this fine specimen?
On a serious note, get rid. He is a man child. He never grew up.

"cement the relationship" with another baby to provide for while this loser lives off her?😂🤣😂

Hilarious and absolute batshit.
More proof that MN truly is a parallel universe.

He's married????

Get rid.

He hasn't ever contributed more in bills as I've always paid my share. But he has paid for treats when things have been good. But to be honest I'd rather he saved that money to cover times like these.

Like I said it's not all bad, but it's over riding that. This hasn't been the situation since he moved in otherwise I wouldn't be here for sure. But it's been the situation recently and for too long for my liking now.

Honestly don't think he does want to go back, it's been years since separation. It's just laziness and not wanting to spend the money or see the importance of getting divorced.

Of course he’s happy with this situation.
But what about you and your DC- he’s basically taking money from them.

he sounds lazy. He’s still married , he can go back to her.

Thanks everyone for assuring me I am not being unreasonable with this.

Will be having the conversation about him leaving today.

I am taking the poster suggesting having a baby as sarcastic as many people do that! I have never had any intentions of having any more children luckily so never did that.

I am happy in my own life with kids grown up almost and a career I enjoy and luckily does pay well. I don't have a need for a man, unless I want one, and this isn't the situation I want.

To answer some of the why? - it didn't start this way obviously nor has it always been like this. But as I said it is a bit of a recurring theme and this time is the worst time getting nothing. We separated for a time before when I had enough, not so much about money then but him still being married and the lack of what felt like partnership, he said the right things, and started actually actioning them so we gave it another go, for a good few months things were genuinely better and improved. As often happens we are going backwards, so I just need to call time now. And move on.