Do I have a cock lodger?

[lodgeofthec]

Name changed for this.

Live with DP and 4 DC (2 each).

Both work full time, me employed. Him self employed. Business is always kind of up and down, sometimes good, sometimes average. Sometimes not so great. This means on occasions I foot the bill for our outgoings which then come back 'later' usually by the end of the month but not always.

Covid times were down to me as he got pretty much £0 income then as what his business relies on was closed. It was rough but it is what it is.

However the past 4 months or so there was talk of starting a new business cause what he does is kind of phasing out. I think it was partly this and partly boredom and wanting to do something new/something he thought would be better long term. There wasn't however any talk about money changing during this time. So for the last 3 months I have basically paid everything. When I've brought it up he simply says it'll come and he can't give me what's not there. Ok but how am I supposed to pay the bills?

We have an agreed expenditure which accounts for our 2 incomes. Paying 50/50 Not just mine!

To add to this he has his own arrangements with his kids mum that he tells me about but I don't really know and suspect he pays the majority plus extras, I'm not saying the exes should be missing out but he's telling me he has nothing so I'm getting nothing so essentially paying for 6 people when he's still paying for them away from our home.

I don't know how long this situation is going to go on for. He keeps telling me it'll be better in 2-3 weeks etc then that times comes and nothing.

On top of this I am working full time myself and doing the bulk of house chores so he can work extra to get this money coming in that never seems to come. He's bad with money and I think if you are self
Employed you should save to cover these times and he hasn't.

When things have been good we have done things, gone out for food. He's bought me things and he's always got bits for the kids through a work thing that's saved me a lot of money, but also I wouldn't buy new/as much if I had to pay so can't really compare like for like.

I'm starting to really resent this arrangement. We also have a pet which I am doing 99% of the work for. He counts watching it in the day his share (sometimes I am there too as I WFH sometimes) so this isn't daily, I walk/feed/sort food/vets etc etc
On top of this he is still married to his ex, divorce is initiated but only because I insisted (wish I hadn't bothered). But I can't see it being finalised as - no money and no motivation to. Only silver lining is because of these things house etc is in my name.

Just wanted some outside opinions on this as I am feeling really taken for granted at the minute and it's causing huge problems.

@username299

I wouldn't say he does nothing, he does bits but it feels more half jobs (e.g he cooks most of the time but I have to fetch things, get the food out and cleanup) and I feel if you can't contribute financially you should really be compensating in doing more at home - he isn't.

Taking care of the kids, they are all older so don't really need taking care of. I clean up and we split washing. I don't really do childcare but also they don't need childcare cause of age. Anything they do need e.g Packup - he does.

Only saying this to be fair and accurate, but the situation still isn't ok.

@AnnoyedAsAllHeck

He definitely does have them often. He has 'good times' too but less often and instead of using them to compensate for hard times he indulges.

I agree would be better on my own.

@AnnoyedAsAllHeck

Also it does feel like that. He's thought I'll try something new cause I'm the 'back up plan' but I never agreed to that and never would have.

So he changes their sheets and washes their clothes, puts laundry away in their rooms. Cooks, buys and plans their meals. Is there for them if they're upset. Takes an interest in their education and helps where possible. Takes them out on activities, knows their friends and what they're doing on social media.

Obviously he can't pay for any of that but at least he's making an effort.

@lodgeofthec

I don't blame you. Don't allow him to make you feel bad for voicing your concerns. He can't financially contribute, and he doesn't do much around the house. He doesn't have a leg to stand on morally.

I also don't understand why he gives ex wife ANY money if the kids are split 50/50 between your homes.

I understand extra for gifts and school trips as they're additional costs, but you're already paying for them 50% of the time when they're with you, so surely she should be paying the other 50% while they're with her? Why would you pay for 100% of their costs? Does she work? What does she contribute to the kids and her home?!

Obviously, the children need paying for and looked after, but that shouldn't be at a detriment to you and your DC.

He doesn’t seem to have much respect for you. Or care about the impact his actions are having on you and your kids. I agree with you, the big red flag is not discussing his plans with you, then expecting you to cover his costs.

That doesn’t sound like partner material to me.

Another red flag, in terms of financial arrangements, is he’s still married after all this time. I’m no exert, but might he not have joint financial responsibility as her spouse, e.g. for her debts or she for any savings/pensions of his? Does he have a joint mortgage with her? And what would happen if he was seriously ill or died? Would she claim to be his next of kin? Does he have a will? Sounds like it’s time he sorted his legal and financial affairs if he’s serious about being with you.

Question is, are you serious about being with him? How does he enhance your life?

Things like sheets and putting away washing I do.
He would wash the items in the machine. Education, activities etc yes, being there for them yes. He is relatively hands on as a dad. And I don't really get involved in that stuff.

Shopping is usually done jointly or by me, he wouldn't do that alone. Cooking he does often, but again is something that will often slip and I'll find myself doing more of until I bring it up.

He's always said he prefers to pay more. Normally I'd admire that, when there is money there to pay. I don't admire it if he sticks to that principle but is happy for me to pay 100% at home.

Ex works and does pay for things at hers but how much I don't know really.

That's it really it's me and my dc who are losing out here

That's what I have said, this isn't a partnership. And he has even dared to say to me, we are going to be together for our lives, we have to be there in good and bad. Yet is still not divorced 🤦🏼‍♀️

They don't have any joint assets so that's not so much an issue, but yes it he got ill and died technically I couldn't even bury him it would be up to her.

Unless you’re happy to financially provide for them indefinitely, he and his children need to move out. He’s got used to you paying for everything and it doesn’t sound as if he’s prepared to pull his finger out and start providing for his own children-he wants you to do it instead!

It’s going to be unpleasant, but I think that you need to ask him to leave. IF he then gets himself a job (that actually pays) and starts contributing, you might reconsider. But he needs to stop taking you for granted.

Honestly Op, I wouldn't bother with a conversation about the whys and hows. Already he has gaslit you and said you're being hard on him etc🙄. That is all you will get from him. There will be no realization from him that he's taking the piss ever.
I would tell him that the relationship has run its course, and it's time for him to go, you just don't feel the same anymore (or some variation of this). That way you don't have to deal with all the bullshit of how you're the one unreasonable and he's a hard done by good guy.
Good luck Op, hope he's gone soon, the relief will be immense💐

I notice that you both have children, two each, which must be lovely.
Do you think perhaps if you had a baby together this would help?
I'm just wondering as normally in this situation, that's what people do, to really cement the bond

Well that's great - IF he can afford to pay more! He's being really unfair and selfish to you and your kids.

I think you already knew what you should do, before you even came here.

Just think about the money you'll save and the things you can treat your DC to if you kick his sorry butt out! They deserve it just as much as his kids do.

Are you serious? Please tell me you're not serious.

Why did you allow him to move in?
I'd get rid of him ASAP and thankfully you haven't lumbered yourself with his child.
You will be far better off alone if this is what you are not only attracting, but saying yes to.
Get rid of him, get some therapy and work on healing and your self esteem

There is never an excuse not to pull your weight because there are always jobs digging ditches, washing dishes, cleaning homes, greeting people and answering phones. No self-respecting man person would loll about while (in this case) his female partner picked up the slack for months.

You’re having a larf aren’t you?

Yes, I read sarcasm.

Ick.

@Dror has it right in one. That’s the blatant and glaringly obvious truth.

@lodgeofthec

Surely a dog walker would work out cheaper than all the bills that are covered for DP? Food & utilities for 3 extra people must really add up.

Do you have a five bedroom house, or did your kids lose their individual bedrooms to give one or two to his children?

@lodgeofthec he needs to pack his and his kids bags and leave.
He's cocklodging 100%
His WIFE must think you're wonderful. Does that matter?

Have you decided to tell him to leave, OP?

He’s still married.
He has absolutely no respect for you if he is still married.
Legally he has a wife who is classed as his life partner. Not you.
That should be enough to send him packing.
All of this talk of when he’s down….
I am sorry but he sounds terrible at business. He needs to get a job.
What would happen if you couldn’t work for some reason? Would he suddenly pay all the bills and take everything on?
I am not sure how old you are, or how old he is, but don’t waste more of your life.
And his wife, whoever she is, needs to get a bit of self respect as well. She benefits from this arrangement, and is seemingly fine that her husband lives with someone else.