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Original poster

Lying in a relationship...

112 replies

AreHisPantsOnFire · 29/01/2025 08:03

I have a pretty much zero tolerance on lying.

It's from a combination of childhood trauma and previously being married to a pathological liar who lied about absolutely everything due to being brought up by alcoholic parents.

I'm really sensitive to it and once I've discovered someone is lying to me, it rewrites the whole relationship in my head.

Eg tell me I look nice if you think I do but don't tell I'm beautiful because I'm not. If I ask for your opinion on something, it's because I actually want your opinion/perspective and not because I want you to flatter me by blowing smoke up my arse or to say what you think i want to hear.

I think this situation saying to sound pretty inconsequential to some but I hope people will respond given the whole context.

I think I have examples of my partner telling very small, inconsequential, pointless little lies in our relationship. But it makes me question the whole thing because, well, if someone lies, then they lie.

Eg. My partner gets up for work at 6.15am and leaves at 6.30am. I don't need to get up until 7. Sometimes, I wake up when his alarm goes off and sometimes I sleep straight through and sometimes I'm roused enough to he aware but I'm still not fully conscious and appear asleep to him.

He'll say things to me like, "You were still fast asleep when I left this morning. You didn't even stir when I kissed you and told you I love you." It's comment worthy because my sleep isn't every good generally and I can often be awake for good parts of the night so he's really commenting on that and saying I appear to have slept well.

But. Some of the times he's said this, I've been aware/conscious of him leaving but I know he hasn't kissed me or said anything. (Sometimes he does.)

It's like a weevil now burying into my thoughts. For example, when he tells me he's doing overtime on a Saturday morning, I feel I can't take it at face value. Sometimes, he'll come back and talk about it and, on those occasions, I know it's genuine. But sometimes he'll say nothing at all. No complaint about it, or comment on who was in and, if I ask how it went, he'll just say, "It was work." But he rarely has nothing to say about work so it makes me wonder.

Eg I know others won't agree with this but for my own personal reasons, I don't watch films with sex or unnecessary female nudity in. He knows this and he knows my reasons why. He will spend ages painstakingly choosing a film for us to watch together and checking the content before we watch something together. He has never made me feel in the wrong for this or complained.

I've also never cocommented on anything he chooses to watch without me. Sometimes (around once a week or so) I go to bed early to read so that he can watch something of his own choice where he doesn't have to be quite so vigilant.

The issue is that he has also volunteered that he doesn't like it either. He says he doesn't watch films with sex scenes (doesn't like it apparently) and he doesn't like gratuitous female nudity either. He parrots my sentiments and agrees with me wholeheartedly. I've never asked him to. I've told him my perspective but never questioned his or challenged him. Just explained so that he knows and understands. But I know I'm quite unusual in that respect.

But I can see from his 'continue watching' or series he has seen or conversations he has with others about films they've watched that he is absolutely watching stuff with (sometimes) lots of sex and nudity in it. So why the lie?

It just makes me question everything he says mentally.

I'm not really bothered if he kisses me and says he loves me before he goes to work if I'm still alseep and I'm not particularly bothered what he watches without me. But the fact he lies about these things makes me wonder what other more consequential lies there are that I'm unaware of. Like when he says he fancies me or I look nice or he loves me are those lies too? It's creating a general feeling of mistrust for me that I don't like.

Is lying like this normal in a relationship? Would you be bothered?

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 01/02/2025 12:32

AreHisPantsOnFire · 01/02/2025 11:48

Have you got any really specific, slam dunk examples of him telling a lie about something factual, so pointlessly unimportant or so important it would be big enough to raise it?

Well, there are several examples of things he's said to me that he's later contradicted or later denied saying. Or timelines that just don't make sense. But I suppose that's not the sort of thing you mean.

But yes, there are concrete examples of lying. So just really stupid pointless ones like telling me he didn't get chance to go to the supermarket on his way home from work, to which I'd said no problem, we'd have something different for dinner then but then leaving the receipt on the kitchen table with that days date on it so he had been but had forgotten something. That's really not a problem.

Or when he and his ex wife were selling the house and I asked how it was going, if there had been many viewings,? Much interest? you know just the sort of chat people have, assuming that they'd be in contact and he'd know. And he said he had no idea because he hadn't spoken to her for weeks, which surprised me. Only then, he opened WhatsApp on his phone while I was next to him because he wanted to show me a message from someone else and her name was at the top and it turned out they'd been talking about it that day. But he'd 'forgotten'.

Again, absolutely pointless and unnecessary. I mean, I might not have a particularly positive experience of his ex wife but he was married to her for 20 years, they have kids and had a house together. Of course they needed to talk! I have absolutely no idea how often he speaks with her generally and I don't care. But why lie?

There are several more but they're all on this level. Denying he's been to places there are photos of him at or friends have brought up in conversation. Things he's told me that he's done completely out of the blue that he's later denied. Or telling me he's never done something it later turns out that he has.

Just utterly pointless stuff.

I want to say there are no big lies like financial stuff or infidelity but actually, how do I know that?

When we'd been together for about a year, he opened his WhatsApp and there was a message to a woman whose name I didn't recognise telling her she was beautiful. I didn't say anything at the time because I was a bit shocked. But I mentioned it the following day - just asked who X was and he was (of course) shocked because he had no idea what i was talking about. He opened his phone and scrolled through his messages trying to find the offending message but, of course, it wasn't there. Highlighting messages to his (male) friends and asking if it could have been something like that I'd seen (none of the messages bore any resemblence to "You're beautiful"). Maybe it was a message to me that I'd actually seen. I know my own name and I hadn't received any messages like that from him ever. Let alone in the past 24 hours.

But all these things just lead me to the conclusion that I can't trust him because what he says isn't the truth. Even when there's no tangible reason to lie. That's why I've started to doubt the smaller stuff because it feels that the lies fall out of his mouth everytime he opens it. If I ask him a question about anything at all, I hear his answer and I don't know whether to believe it or not.

This is the sort of thing.my exh did. He'd buy himself something (not a problem) but tell me it was for someone at work who'd asked him to get I on his behalf but then, 6 months later, it would still be in our house.

Just utterly pointless and doesn't serve any purpose other than to make me doubt his trustworthiness. Especially when the truth is so easily found. And not even found because its just literally there in front of me.

None of these lies have been said to avoid reaction or panicked responses to feeling interrogated or walking on eggshells. He's often said that one of the things he loves about me is that he can be himself with me. But maybe that's a lie too...

See, I wish you'd led with some of these OP, because they're completely different to your original post and you'd be getting completely different advice as a result.

While some could still be attributed to forgetfulness, The one about him pretending you'd not seen a message in particular is pure gaslighting.

The fact that you didn't post that one initially I think proves how black and white your thinking around this is. You can't separate the little lies that are part of every single relationship from the ones that are actually red flags, and until you figure out how to do that, you're going to end up either ending good relationships, or letting bad ones carry on because you feel like you have to accept the lying.

For the record, I now think this is one of the bad ones.

Swiftie1878 · 01/02/2025 13:10

I must admit that when I read your opening post, I thought ‘this is an OP problem - she’s ridiculously sensitive to any tiny mis-speak’.

As I’ve read your updates though, and understanding your past trauma with a severely pathological liar, I think you are justified in feeling very unnerved by the easy, flippant way your DP drops lies.

I’m not sure I could live sanely and comfortably with that level of dishonesty, so with your previous trauma I imagine it will be impossible for you to do so.

Time to rethink things, perhaps take a break from each other, go to couples counselling or something like that, if you want to try to make it work.
If you aren’t motivated to save the relationship, then it’s time to say goodbye.

Original poster
AreHisPantsOnFire · 01/02/2025 13:15

I think that l, with the message I saw, I did start to think that maybe I had imagined it. Because there was absolutely nothing else at that point to give me any reason to worry.

I've barely remembered it really which is why I didn't include it earlier. But clearly the mistrust has been building on a subconscious level and what then seemed unfathomable because he didn't lie to me has been replaced by lots of other signs and evidence that actually he does.

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 01/02/2025 13:37

Given your history this doesn't sound like the right relationship for you. The example about telling someone on chat she's beautiful is actually pretty crap. Why did you stay then? What's stopping you from ending it now, as you're clearly not happy?

Original poster
AreHisPantsOnFire · 01/02/2025 14:08

CraftyYankee · 01/02/2025 13:37

Given your history this doesn't sound like the right relationship for you. The example about telling someone on chat she's beautiful is actually pretty crap. Why did you stay then? What's stopping you from ending it now, as you're clearly not happy?

I've ended every relationship I've ever been in because it 'wasn't right' for some reason. I decided that I had to give someome a chance eventually. Maybe it was me rather than them?

Statistically, I had to meet 'someone^ who was worth it at some point?

And we'd been friends for several years.

OP posts:
familyportrait · 01/02/2025 14:39

'I was quite friendly with his ex gf (their relationship came to a natural end) and she absolutely idolised him when their relationship was good. I've wondered if he was his authentic self with her. Or whether she also only got to see a version of him he wanted her to see? Perhaps she didn't pick up on lies? Maybe she wasn't bothered? Maybe there weren't any?'

@AreHisPantsOnFire sorry OP but this is wayyy too much. Way too intense. Wondering how he was in a relationship with her and what she did or did not pick up on. His previous relationships have nothing to do with you. Unless he's a serial cheat or the likes, it shouldn't even be entering your headspace. I find it weird that you're putting so much thought and headspace into what he was like with his ex, and also who he would 'turn into' or 'turn back to me' if you break up with him.
These aren't normal things to think and I think your thoughts are quite intrusive.

CeceliaImrie · 01/02/2025 15:46

It must be exhausting to live under a constant metaphorical surveillance.

I think your state of mind is untenable for a healthy happy life for you and your husband. I feel a bit anxious just reading it but I was a little like you in my 20s before I learned how to consider my behavioural impact on those around me.

CeceliaImrie · 01/02/2025 16:05

ElvenPowers · 01/02/2025 09:47

This is a fascinating thread because it touches on some psychological truths and some paradoxes.

We present the best side of ourselves in relationships. That's one of the things that makes love so addictive; we mirror another in a relationship, as we do that we playact being our best version of ourselves...as we do that, we become that better self. By modelling the person we want to become, by seeing that reflected back to us in the loving eyes of our partner, we do start to become that person. It's common to hear someone say "With him, I feel I am the best I can be". "You raise me up, you are the wind beneath my wings etc etc"

That works best when the things we are trying to be are things that lift us to our highest selves - forcing us to enact being more loving, more forgiving more thoughtful. Forcing yourself to kiss your wife as you leave and whisper I love you, even when you feel mehh or are actively annoyed with her as she's been snoring all night/forgot to take out the bins. That's a lie- you don't feel love!! But you enact it, because enacting it makes it happen in the long term.

So. This is normal. But there are a few ways this can go wrong.

1 - You try and enact something that's just too far from what you truly feel - you say you are a vegan and you get up secretly to eat bacon. You say you never use porn but actually you don't mind it, but you don't want your partner to judge you. This comes from shame, not from a sense of opening yourself to be better. This might be your partner- he's doing something that's too far from where he truly is. This is more damaging because that person really does lead something of a double life, either emotionally or actually in practice.

It sounds like he might have form for that and you might have form for allowing that - holding evidence of the discrepancy in words ans actions, rather than exploring it with curiosity and without shaming, at the time. Or perhaps, just as you have trauma around being deceived in your past, he has trauma about being judged and shamed when he reveals himself. That's kind of likely that you would have found each other, as "we seek the teeth to fit our wounds".

2 - A less serious version is the one who loves does some shortcuts as he tries to model best behaviour. Like saying you kissed your wife, when in fact you couldn't quite be arsed one morning. The reason you couldn't be arsed is a you thing. You still want to create the good result in her - you are committed to making her to feel kissed, cared for, beautiful. The kind of man you are striving to be is the perfect kind of man who would always take the time to do the kiss. Unfortunately though, the kind of man you really are, is flawed, human, forgetful, in a rush, maybe needing the loo, perhaps bearing a grudge in the morning he's shaken off by the evening. Part of trying to be better is just keeping on track with the "I'm a husband who kisses his wife goodbye" and using the fact you tell a white lie one morning as a little mental note to yourself to keep doing the thing.

If that's the situation then you need to get off his case OP and let him carry on trying to do his best. In this option it's a you problem as you can't on some level believe he is trying to be better for you, perhaps you lack a growth mindset, and you hold him to a worried kind of high standard.

All the examples you have given are very much grey areas that could be either interpretation.

Have you got any really specific, slam dunk examples of him telling a lie about something factual, so pointlessly unimportant or so important it would be big enough to raise it?

The films and the kiss and saying you're beautiful aren't clear examples either way.

Edited

Really good points, the shame and mirroring bits are really interesting.

familyportrait · 01/02/2025 22:31

CeceliaImrie · 01/02/2025 15:46

It must be exhausting to live under a constant metaphorical surveillance.

I think your state of mind is untenable for a healthy happy life for you and your husband. I feel a bit anxious just reading it but I was a little like you in my 20s before I learned how to consider my behavioural impact on those around me.

I agree.

I think the OP is in quite a bit of denial when she says 'he doesn't walk on egg shells' and that 'her thoughts stay in her head,' because I think his little white lies are a reflection of her actions. I mean he must be slightly aware of these thoughts as he has to skin and inspect suitable films before they watch a film together. I couldn't imagine telling DH to inspect the frames of the film to check there's no kissing or nudity. It's not healthy at all.

HappyToSmile · 02/02/2025 10:32

"You're beautiful" is his opinion of you. Don't accuse him of lying there.

With regards to everything else, the obvious thing would be to talk to him about it. If you feel you can't, show him this post. But be prepared to take a bit of blame because in all your answers, you seem very unwavering of your opinion.

Phoenixfire1988 · 06/02/2025 17:53

You sound exhausting !!!
Lies are a dealbreaker for most people but you are taking it to the absolute extreme .....GET SOME THERAPY

Bibi12 · 06/02/2025 23:42

StaxAttacks · 31/01/2025 12:41

Actually OP if you read you first line, I have pretty much a zero tolerance on lying, and then compare it to the accumulation of lies which you have tolerated, we can all conclude that you are the liar here.

Maybe as you say if you had not lied and either acted the first time or accepted that you understand people do say things to make whole relationship more harmonious then you wouldn’t be in this mess you have made for yourself.

Exactly this! Is someone wants to find a lie they will find it! Forgetfulness can be interpreted as a lie, ambiguity can become a lie, a change of heart can become a lie. After a while of being under constant interrogation and investigation a person can develop a real anxiety and actually start to lie without even thinking about it so it becomes self full filing prophecy.

I was with someone like OP who always interpreted any change of mind, forgetfulness or disparity in what I was saying as LYING. It was extremely hurtful because that was not my intention and I felt like I had to act like a computer or else I would be judged harshly as a liar. It just makes you feel like they have no actual respect for you as a person and shouldn't be with you when they think so little of you.

He was also a child of alcoholics and everything was black and white for him.

That's not how relationships should work. People should not assume the worst about each other and jump to the most extreme conclusions. Partners should be honest about their needs and feelings if something bothers them but it's also important to give each other some benefit of a doubt and some space for human error.

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