Therapist wants to discuss sex

[Growingyou]

Just looking for perspectives really…

My DH and I are not in a great place emotionally. Long story short - very young children, major health issues, financial challenges.

I started getting some counselling recently and the therapist has been helpful in helping me delve into my thoughts and feelings. However, the therapist surprised me at the last session saying he wants to discuss sex.

I mean maybe it’s relevant because we’re discussing my marriage a lot… but it also just doesn’t feel relevant or part of the problem.

Am I just not analytical enough? Are there answers lying in my sex life? It doesn’t feel that way, neither my partner or I feel like there are any issues with our sex. Is it strange to feel a bit anxious about attending a session where the therapist is going to raise this?

Maybe someone more experienced with therapy can help you. But surely you get to dictate the topic if you’re the one paying for the sessions.

No experience to offer but - if you don't feel comfortable don't discuss. If he's not happy with that look for another therapist.

Have you asked him why he wants to discuss sex? He might have genuine reasons, but he might also be a pervert! So, ask him why he thinks it's relevant to discuss sex. If you don't feel comfortable, definitely don't go ahead with it. He has to respect your boundaries. If he doesn't he's being unprofessional.

What qualifications do they have?

How did you find out about them?

If you are uncomfortable then don't. In fact look for another therapist - the fact you are posting says you are not happy discussing this.

It depends what your marital issues are. You say you and your husband are not in a good place emtionally so the therapists will most likely be exploring your emotional and physical connection with your DH. However if you don't feel it is relevant or appropriate you can say so. Not all counsellors are a good fit so if you feel that's the case you can always look for another one that suits you better.

I have found some therapists/counsellors absolutely useless. About as analytical as a pile of dung.

The session is supposed to be led by you not the therapist. What kind of therapist is he?

Does your husband want to discuss it?
If he does it means it's important to him and thus you.

He can make any suggestions he wants and you can say you don't think it's relevant. He may tell you why he thinks it is relevant and you are free to agree or disagree with him.
You're also free to find another therapist.

It's generally normal to have a solo therapist of the same gender. Would you be happier discussing issues around sex in your relationship with a female therapist?

He’s a psychodynamic therapist, he seems well qualified. I feel disappointed because he has been more challenging/less hand holding than introductory sessions I had when I was trying to find someone. But when he said “I hope you don’t find it creepy that I want to discuss more how your sex life is”…. I suddenly did feel a bit uncomfortable. But now I’m second guessing whether that’s just because I’m unused to therapy / speaking in depth about sex is foreign to me or whether it’s a red flag.

Ive had loads of therapy with both males and females and i would find that completely inappropriate.

He could have said along the lines of "how is the intimate side of your relationship" or something way more sensitive but to unwittingly (? Or not) position himself as a creep is so unprofessional in my view.

Good luck deciding how to proceed OP.

Therapist here. The fact that he said that he hopes you don’t find it creepy is a bit odd. I generally don't ask a client about sex unless they raise it (and they might raise somethjng tentatively at first) and then I will try and explore further. Sometimes
clients can be worried about talking about sex as they don’t want me to feel uncomfortable so it can be tricky to get the right balance between not overstepping but also making sure a client knows that no topic is off limits.
but if I thought a client might find something I said creepy I wouldn't say it!

I’ve discussed my sex life with my therapist and actually found it helpful, even though the reason I’m in therapy is not sex related and I was hesitant to discuss it.

Sex is a part of a normal healthy relationship, so maybe that’s why he would like you to discuss it. However, you can decline to talk about that topic if you choose to, and then maybe that will lead to a conversation about why you feel hesitant.

I have had a lot of therapy - personal and couples. Sex would be a topic I would raise. It has never been raised by the therapist. Also the way he introduced it is, in my opinion, very unprofessional. I wouldn't go back.

@LostittoBostik This is the thing, I don’t think there are any issues about sex in my relationship. We have it, it’s mutually pleasurable, DH has no problem with it. Do you think therapy is more effective with a counsellor of the same sex/gender? I hadn’t given it any thought until now

If it was couple counselling I would find it more normal that he said that. I have a male counsellor I am female sex has never been discussed, despite discussing relationships.

Surely sex is a key factor within a marriage.
That's probably why. To get full context.
It's pretty important, imo. Whether you're having it or not.

Honestly? As a married person in either single or couples therapy I would expect my sex life to be brought up, particularly since you seem to be discussing issues within your marriage? If it’s fine with no issues, say so.

I had v bad issues many years ago with a therapist, recommended by GP. Total waste of time, but he fhelped s make me realise the only way I could change was up to me, as he was hopeless.

You might be ok but DH maybe isn’t, this gives him a chance to to raise it maybe ?

It would be a strange counsellor who doesn’t bring it up

I agree with this too, but the way he asked it IS creepy.

I can't compare because I've only ever seen female therapists, but the idea of discussing the inner workings of my troublesome mind with a man feels very wrong to me. I wouldn't feel comfortable enough to be truly honest and I don't think I'd feel understood either.

I find it's generally asked and then I answer that it's fine and I move the conversation on or say that it's not relevant. The weird thing is that he gave you pre-warning and said he hoped it wouldn't be creepy. That's automatically made it creepy to me. Sex shouldn't be creepy.