Therapist wants to discuss sex

[Growingyou]

Just looking for perspectives really…

My DH and I are not in a great place emotionally. Long story short - very young children, major health issues, financial challenges.

I started getting some counselling recently and the therapist has been helpful in helping me delve into my thoughts and feelings. However, the therapist surprised me at the last session saying he wants to discuss sex.

I mean maybe it’s relevant because we’re discussing my marriage a lot… but it also just doesn’t feel relevant or part of the problem.

Am I just not analytical enough? Are there answers lying in my sex life? It doesn’t feel that way, neither my partner or I feel like there are any issues with our sex. Is it strange to feel a bit anxious about attending a session where the therapist is going to raise this?

Psychodynamic therapy is challenging tbh OP, it looks for what is 'buried' ( that is too simplistic but sort of explains it) have you brought up sex or is it him making assumptions? This too can happen but if you feel uncomfortable then change therapists.
Maybe look for an integrative therapist who basically tailors the therapy to your needs ( again a simplistic explanation).

I’ve been asked about my sex life by both male and female therapists. It felt appropriate given the reasons I sought therapy and my relationship issues at the time. However, it was asked in a much smoother way.

I would have been taken aback if my therapist said “I would like to talk about your sex life”. Thats a statement and not an invitation for exploration - sounds like it creates a power imbalance too. Was it towards the end of the session so there was little time to discuss? It wouldn’t sit right with me that he withheld his reasons for wanting to know prior to making his statement so I can appreciate your discomfort. Sounds like he knew it was a sloppy intervention given his follow up ‘creepy’ comment.

I agree, also I’m a qualified counsellor. There are appropriate ways to talk about it, which didn’t happen here. Regardless of modality, a therapist has to be very careful bringing up topics the client hasn’t brought up. I’ve never counselled couples but can understand that gently raising the subject with a couple may he helpful to the clients. Has he trained somewhere good?

I would raise this with him because this may be something you can work through. If not, then the psychological safety and trust won’t be there (may not be there now), so the therapy won’t work.

Moons ago I had some counselling where the therapist discussed sex (slightly relevant) in the most appalling (to me) way - I am cringing even typing this 35 years later. What I had expected- straightforward verbal discussion- was not what I got - nothing pervy but so creepy/weird to me. I believe he was some sort of psycho therapist. I would now leave, but then I just never went back and avoided all thoughts of counsellors since, just one time I had a few years ago when we all had to talk to one at work - dreaded it but thankfully normal.
I can't actually type how the therapy session was formulated as my toes are still curling. I had had no idea what to expect first time and only 21 but I definitely didn't expect, want, or find helpful what I got.
If you think it helpful to discuss then I'd recommend you make sure you know what exactly is being discussed/how and why. If you don't then just say no - you're paying, you're supposed to feel comfortable or nothing will help.

It’s completely untrue that it’s “generally normal to have a solo therapist of the same gender.”

Him asking general questions is entirely reasonable if your marriage is a central topic in therapy. Sex in a marriage can be a source of dissatisfaction but it can also reflect other issues.

It's also completely and utterly ok for you to say what you told us - "that's actually one area of our marriage I'm happy about and honestly I'm not comfortable discussing it here" and leave it at that. He should listen and respect that.

If the therapist keeps on that topic or brings it up repeatedly after you've said it's not something you want or need to talk about then there's a problem. But it doesn't sound like that's what happened, at least not yet?

Your therapy session is YOUR session, paid for by you.

I've had (years ago due to issues) counselling, psychotherapy, group therapy, cbt and nobody told me what to discuss. Group therapy we'd probably get guided and find a topic between us, but there 2 fully trained psychiatrists running the group.

No idea what psychodynamic is and he shouldn't pushing you forwards, he shouldn't be giving you nexts weeks topic.
He might ask if you have thoughts on last weeks session and anything you want to discuss?

But no. Next week will be talking about your sex life.
No.
No!

Your therapy sessions are supposed to be led by you, so you are always comfortable and move at your own pace.

I would switch to person centred counselling with a female therapist. You are clearly uncomfortable, as I would be, and it feels inappropriate. The point of counselling is to encourage you to begin to trust yourself and judgement. Your judgement is thst it’s uncomfortable so don’t do it. Trust your own instincts on this.

There is not a chance I would discuss my sex life unless I really wanted to!

Cancel him and tell him why.

I think he mentioned you not finding it creepy has made it creepy .
Why say that ?

Talk positive.

I wouldn’t rule out a male therapist forever as I still recall positive group therapy sessions with male lead or co-lead

but 121 or re sexual matters?

never never again since a previously positive experience became ‘tell me about x situations - what exactly happened?’

compare and contrast with my female therapist clarifying that:

never have to say more than comfortable with
can use whatever language, euphemism or analogy
can limit or stop discussion of anything
can return to anything later if wanted

do not ever have to detail acts

I can, have and do occasionally talk with my female therapist about v difficult topics and partly that is because she is focused on my health and allows me space to do so myself

she allows me to talk without directing the session onto topics she might prefer (not that she has even offered any ‘preferred topics’)

any therapist who brought sex up before I did, nevermind in such a weird and self-focused (on their own image) way would be binned off immediately (& likely complained about now I’m in a stronger place to stand up for myself)

and it isn’t limited to male/female dynamic

I stopped sessions with one female therapist when she equated victims to ‘dirty children no-one wants to touch’ ffs

I said on another thread that there are millions of men so don’t settle for a crap one

there may not quite be millions of therapists but there are enough that you shouldn’t have to settle for a crap one there either

if you spend your session feeling uncomfortable and questioning the motives of the therapist for picking a topic then a) you are being led down their chosen path rather than leading your own development

and b) you’ll be so uneasy you will self-censor or be put off therapy

so yes perhaps clarify wtf he meant if you want to but personally I’d be looking for a therapist more interested in helping me help myself at a pace and subject direction that I can manage/am comfortable with

I've had a cursory Google, like many therapies there appears to be a significant shortage of studies/tracked outcomes.

Your latter post 'is it creepy' is a wholly inappropriate manner in which to discuss such an issue.

What's the therapists initials OP,this is ringing bells?

Don't like the sound of this at all .
If it were me l would find another tbh .

Absolutely no way would I discuss sex with anyone who asked to. The power dynamic of that is really off and you could end up feeling pressured and vulnerable in the moment.

Counsellor here. One key element of counselling is that the session should be led by you - the client. Psychodynamic therapy (which is basically a Freudian approach, based on the unconscious mind) should not be directive - you talk and he follows your lead. If you do not want to talk about your sex-life, for whatever reason, then please don't. A decent therapist will respect that. If he doesn't, you might want to find a different one.

I would leave and find someone else. If you were doing couples therapy it would be normal to ask about sex life but in individual therapy you should be the one dictating what gets talked about. It does sound creepy having a male therapist asking a female client about her sex life and it's clearly made you uncomfortable so better to find someone else.

I’ve had a lot of therapy and nobody has ever touched on my sex life. I would not be comfortable with it

I can understand him asking if you are affectionate towards each other and how your intimate life was, but the way he put it would make me not want to confide in him. Personally I would only have therapy with a woman.

If you don’t want to discuss your sex life then you shouldn’t. Counselling should be person centred and lead by the client. A good counsellor should not make you feel pressured but should hold a safe space for you to open up. If you feel he’s dictating and directing the sessions in a way that’s not working for you, you should consider seeing a different counsellor.

I would cancel immediately. It’s completely inappropriate. If you had asked to discuss sex, fine but he doesn’t get to raise it.

Well I guess it is pertinent, especially since you've been discussing your marriage a lot, and both you and your dh have issues. But it doesn't need to be discussed in depth - you only need to tell your therapist exactly what you've divilged in this thread - that your sex life is fine and both you and your dh are content with that side of things. I mean, you've broadcast it to all and sundry on mn (and probably the daily mail by this time tomorrow 🙄) so why would it be an issue to say the same to your therapist? Once you've told him that much I wouldn't expect him to press for any more detail though. Just that at the moment he likely has no clue whether your sex life is part of the issue.

“I hope you don’t find it creepy that I want to discuss more how your sex life is”

"I do". And scene.

Find another therapist. One who lets you lead the session.

I think the point of therapy is talking about things you don’t want to or uncomfortable with hope everything works out for you